I’ve only been on the forum for a few weeks and only recently learned what a “Poser” is. My understanding is that it refers to a person who is not really that athletic but simply poses as if they were the ‘real deal’…A typical example is the fat middle age guy buying an expensive bike… If that is a poser then I fess up. I’ve been one of those abominable people for quite a few years…
In 1999, I bought a Softride Rocketwing. It was the spring of 2000 before it finally arrived but I was so proud of my new $4000 bright red racing bike that I put it right in my living room! When friends dropped by I bragged about my newest toy and showed them all the cool features…the aerodynamic frame…the beam suspension…Dura-Ace shifters! Of course, they probably thought I was having a mid-life crisis since I was in my mid-40s…
“Jim, you don’t ride bikes! Why did you buy such an expensive toy?!”
“I bought it for doing long rides along the San Diego coastline and also for time-trial competitions. Just look how sleek this bike is! Ain’t it cool!”
“But Jim, you haven’t ridden a bike in years and aren’t you just a bit heavy for bike riding now?”
“Well, yes. My weight is almost 300 lbs…but someday I’ll get my weight down and then I can start riding my Rocketwing…”
“Well, I think you ought to sell it. You could use the money. Hey! Let’s have another drink and get this party going…”
Variations of that conversation were repeated over the years with my response always the same…that someday I would finally ride my Rocketwing. I guess you could say I was doing a lot of ‘posing’ without even actually riding that expensive bike that was still displayed in my living room.
But those conversations take on much more meaning once you know the underlying story of that fat, middle-aged dreamer drinking heavy and bragging about a bike he can’t even ride…
In 1995, I was a pretty athletic 41-yr old 180lb fairly serious bike rider doing about 150-miles a week. I could average over 20 mph for a 50-mile bike ride solo without aero equipment. I didn’t race but was having a blast. I had taken up cycling in 1994 partly to improve my fitness and lose weight but it also became great therapy to recover from my divorce the year before.
But in 1996, I began to realize that something very wrong was happening in my body… It wasn’t long before a gradually worsening fatigue was impairing my training rides. I started having problems with my asthma after not having much trouble for many years. By the middle of 1997, I wasn’t able to hardly ride even 5 miles. My doctors explained it away as aging, depression, allergies, stress, etc…
In 1998, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and starting using a CPAP machine to keep my airways open at night. I felt a lot better - not well - but certainly less sick. I was able to exercise somewhat and even ride my bike some in the spring of 1999. I believed I was finally getting well and ordered the Rocketwing.
But then my body crashed hard in the fall of 1999. The fatigue had returned and was worse than ever. The diagnosis was depression but I knew the doctors were wrong… For the next 3 years the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong and just wrote it off as depression insisting I would never get well until I got on Prozac… Meanwhile, I continued to tell my friends that someday I really would ride my Rocketwing…
In the fall of 2001, I was so sick that it was exhausting to even get off the couch to walk to the kitchen…and make yet another drink. I knew I was dying but without a medical diagnosis even well-meaning friends were starting to assume that it was all in my head… I wasn’t able to work anymore and began to live mostly in isolation. I made sure to always make the most of the few social occasions I went to. But underneath this somewhat still happy camper was a man grieving as he watched his life falling apart…day-by-day with no understanding of why his body was so sick…
But the Rocketwing remained front and center on display in my living room. The tires were flat and it was dusty now, but I was still as proud of my beautiful red racing bike as ever - even though I had never ridden it…and couldn’t even see a reason to believe that I ever would.
Finally in November 2001, I was diagnosed with a serious but very rare hormonal disorder - pituitary failure. That’s the ‘master’ gland at the base of your brain that manages the endocrine system among other things. When it dies, your body gradually stops producing any hormones. Suddenly it all made sense.
I’ve gone through quite a few pitfalls since then while trying to get the proper treatment but finally started to get better in the fall of 2004. Last November, at 330 lbs, I walked into the local Trek store and bought a hybrid bike. At first, all I could do was ride around the block. Sometimes people would stare at me struggling to go up the 2-3% incline near my condo. I suppose I looked a bit out-of-place on a bike, especially since my jersey was too small to cover my huge stomach. To some of them, I guess I might have looked like a poser…
2005 has been an intense and long-awaited comeback year for me. Through weight training and cycling I have lost over 120 lbs and now weigh 205 lbs. And yes…I’m FINALLY riding my Rocketwing along the San Diego coastline. And I just signed up for the Fiesta Island Time Trial race on Sept. 11. The Rocketwing is a great bike and I’m once again having a blast bike riding. But for years it was so much more than just an expensive toy sitting in my living room…
It was a symbol of hope… As long as my Rocketwing sat in my living room it seemed I could still hold on to my dreams. I knew in my heart all those years that if I lost my dreams, I would lose my life… It was a bright red reminder that I was not just another old fat guy bragging about how good he used to be…but rather that I was STILL an athlete. I was just an athlete who was sick and carrying a lot of weight - but still a genuine athlete nonetheless…
Today, on my 50-mile training ride along the San Diego coastline, I noticed an older man who was struggling to pedal his bike… He was at least 300 lbs, his seat was too low, he was pedaling squares and just looked quite silly. Although it seemed like he would fit in better at a circus than out on the road, all I could think was “God bless him…keep on pedaling buddy!”.
Thanks for listening…