I feel like making a concerted effort to atone for all the major wrongs I’ve inflicted on people in my distant past would be a worthwhile endeavor. I’m a little concerned about legal complications and statutes of limitations in a few instances, but the ones that really weigh on me are largely interpersonal events from my teens and early twenties.
Have you ever reached way back into your past to right a wrong that didn’t necessarily require it for any other reason than to put it to rest? Things that only exacted a price on your conscience. How did it work out for you, and them?
I was going to reach out to a guy that I was pretty bad to in high school. He was a freshman/sophomore when I was a junior/senior on the wrestling team. We were the same size but he was no good and I was. Nothing horrible, but he was made to make animal noises on command.
Then I decided that maybe he didn’t give 2 shits about the asshole that used to pound on him and that he’d rather not hear from me.
So I just decided to try not to be an asshole quite as often.
The worse the thing is that you want to apologize for well after the fact it seems to me the less the victim wants to hear from you and would just prefer you eat shit and die.
I was going to reach out to a guy that I was pretty bad to in high school. He was a freshman/sophomore when I was a junior/senior on the wrestling team. We were the same size but he was no good and I was. Nothing horrible, but he was made to make animal noises on command.
Then I decided that maybe he didn’t give 2 shits about the asshole that used to pound on him and that he’d rather not hear from me.
So I just decided to try not to be an asshole quite as often.
The worse the thing is that you want to apologize for well after the fact it seems to me the less the victim wants to hear from you and would just prefer you eat shit and die.
I’ve thought about reaching out and apologizing to a kid that I remember having it in for when I was younger, like around middle school age. No idea if he remembers it that way.
I don’t think I bullied him, but would rough him up in basketball and backyard football games. Looking back on it, no idea why I didn’t like him.
I was going to reach out to a guy that I was pretty bad to in high school. He was a freshman/sophomore when I was a junior/senior on the wrestling team. We were the same size but he was no good and I was. Nothing horrible, but he was made to make animal noises on command.
Then I decided that maybe he didn’t give 2 shits about the asshole that used to pound on him and that he’d rather not hear from me.
So I just decided to try not to be an asshole quite as often.
The worse the thing is that you want to apologize for well after the fact it seems to me the less the victim wants to hear from you and would just prefer you eat shit and die.
pretty much on point. As the undersized kid in high school who got bullied and picked on, if one of those guys came back now, 30 years later to apologize and ask for my forgiveness, eat shit and die would pretty much be my response. Live with it, I have had to.
i was the guy that got pounded on in high school. it sucked. at a high school reunion i saw the guy i hated for the last 20 years. a visceral hatred that i never had for anyone else. while not apologizing at the reunion, he was nearly deferential and cordial. he sought me out, shook my hand, told me he hoped things were going well for me, made small talk, and walked away. he did that to at least one other person that he bullied. in hind sight i really appreciated it. was a great reminder that everyone can change, fundamentally. my two cents.
I was going to reach out to a guy that I was pretty bad to in high school. He was a freshman/sophomore when I was a junior/senior on the wrestling team. We were the same size but he was no good and I was. Nothing horrible, but he was made to make animal noises on command.
Then I decided that maybe he didn’t give 2 shits about the asshole that used to pound on him and that he’d rather not hear from me.
So I just decided to try not to be an asshole quite as often.
The worse the thing is that you want to apologize for well after the fact it seems to me the less the victim wants to hear from you and would just prefer you eat shit and die.
I once dated a girl who uprooted her life and moved across the country for me, then I broke up with her shortly afterwards. In fairness, I didn’t ask her to do any of those things, and she was crazy (future contestant on The Bachelor, no joke) but, I was inconsiderate and callouse in how I treated her.
I tried to reach out several years later and apologize but didn’t hear anything back.
She has since written a few articles for national papers, and the story of her move out here is conveniently altered, which I find amusing.
As a different story, a guy who was a really shitty friend to me when I was younger reached out a couple years back to apologize. I didn’t respond back. I ran in to him several months later and we had this awkward conversation:
“Did you get my email? About the apology?”
“Yeah”
Awkward pause
“Oh, ok.”
Even longer awkward pause.
“Well, I should be on my way.”
I figured he was being insincere, and was still an asshole, and in my brief encounter with him later I felt I was correct. I don’t hate the guy, I just don’t feel he truly deserves or even wants my forgiveness.
Huh. Not sure I’d feel that way. As the new kid in 8th grade I attracted good attention from the popular girls which natural prompted negative attention from the popular guys (who later became my best friends after the fistfight rite of passage…). One kid, who I swear was on steroids since the sixth grade and wasn’t part of that group but who tried to get their approval by targeting me, literally picked me up over his head and dropped me on his knee, in the hallway between classes. I thought I broke my spine in half. You could have heard a pin drop. It was fucking humiliating like nothing before or after. Coincidentally it’s why I developed a reputation for fighting anyone who looked at me sideways as a way to never be fucked with like that again.
But to the point: I finished high school with him and it’s always cordial when we cross paths, but it would mean something to me to get an apology. I’m a big believer, the older I get, in forgiveness as an act of self help, and that would definitely help the process along.
I mean, I really don’t give a fuck one way or another about that episode now, but it would be a good way to close out that whole ordeal.
i was the guy that got pounded on in high school. it sucked. at a high school reunion i saw the guy i hated for the last 20 years. a visceral hatred that i never had for anyone else. while not apologizing at the reunion, he was nearly deferential and cordial. he sought me out, shook my hand, told me he hoped things were going well for me, made small talk, and walked away. he did that to at least one other person that he bullied. in hind sight i really appreciated it. was a great reminder that everyone can change, fundamentally. my two cents.
Yeah, that’s almost better than an apology. He didn’t explicitly reference painful memories but made it clear he gave it a lot of thought over the years. I bet that felt good.
What i meant is that this guy or these people not wanting your apology are something you are imagining. You dont seem to have actually tried the apology yet.
I’ve been pondering that. I was picked on a lot in school but know there were people I was pretty mean to as well.
Two that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately:
A kid in elementary school who I now think was most likely trans. He was miserable and just so unhappy in his own skin. I wasn’t outright cruel that I remember, but I certainly didn’t make an effort to be friends or to have their back. I sincerely hope he (or she, or they) made it to adulthood and are happy now.
Grad - When I found out the geeky girl in chemistry wasn’t going to grad I invited her to join the group I went with. My friend and I even took her out to buy a dress. Her brother was so happy we’d done that he rented us a limo for the night. I have no recollection of spending time with her at the actual event, how awful if we’d brought her with us and then ditched her. I almost friended her on Facebook but chickened out. Like others here, I’m not sure if me reaching out would be welcomed or just hurtful.
I’ve thought about reaching out and apologizing to a kid that I remember having it in for when I was younger, like around middle school age. No idea if he remembers it that way.
**I don’t think I bullied him, but would rough him up **in basketball and backyard football games. Looking back on it, no idea why I didn’t like him.
There’s one person I’d like to reach out to, but it’s not possible. He shot himself. It’s been 36 or 37 years, and while I understand that my role was likely extremely minimal if at all, it still haunts me to this day. The most I can do is to try to help my kids treat everyone with due respect so that they don’t have the same regrets.
I was suspended for walking into print shop class in HS, and charging this asshole junior who tried to intimidate me (a freshman) before first bell that morning. Someone later said he was coming after me sometime later, so I figured I’d get the jump on him. It wasn’t much of a fight but it made him look pretty bad (and me a lunatic hated by administration by year 1). He was a social outcast to the core, and a year after graduation he was threatened by her parents with statutory rape charges for pursuing a 16 year old. He shot himself in the head while on the phone with her shortly after. I always felt a twinge of guilt, but he was destined for destruction. Me getting higher ground advantage in a fistfight probably didn’t move that needle much.
I’ve thought about reaching out and apologizing to a kid that I remember having it in for when I was younger, like around middle school age. No idea if he remembers it that way.
**I don’t think I bullied him, but would rough him up **in basketball and backyard football games. Looking back on it, no idea why I didn’t like him.
Uhhh, so what else would you call it?
I don’t know, it was all within the bounds of the game. I wasn’t trying to intimidate him or make him feel shitty, it was just a chance to have at him. If you want to consider that bullying, go ahead, but it was nothing like the typical bullying that went on. There was no psychological component to it. I wasn’t trying to scare him.
Huh. Not sure I’d feel that way. As the new kid in 8th grade I attracted good attention from the popular girls which natural prompted negative attention from the popular guys (who later became my best friends after the fistfight rite of passage…). One kid, who I swear was on steroids since the sixth grade and wasn’t part of that group but who tried to get their approval by targeting me, literally picked me up over his head and dropped me on his knee, in the hallway between classes. I thought I broke my spine in half. You could have heard a pin drop. It was fucking humiliating like nothing before or after. Coincidentally it’s why I developed a reputation for fighting anyone who looked at me sideways as a way to never be fucked with like that again.
But to the point: I finished high school with him and it’s always cordial when we cross paths, but it would mean something to me to get an apology. I’m a big believer, the older I get, in forgiveness as an act of self help, and that would definitely help the process along.
I mean, I really don’t give a fuck one way or another about that episode now, but it would be a good way to close out that whole ordeal.
ya… you cant relate. you would like an apology because you lost 1 fight to a much bigger guy once. Oh, the horror! It must have sucked having the popular girls want you, the popular guys be your friends, and then no one fucking with you again out of fear. I do hope you get that apology someday so you can feel whole again.
i know I’m being an ass, but seriously, you cant relate to being kids that were truly picked on and bullied, weekly, maybe daily some weeks.
But to the point: I finished high school with him and it’s always cordial when we cross paths, but it would mean something to me to get an apology. I’m a big believer, the older I get, in forgiveness as an act of self help, and that would definitely help the process along.
I mean, I really don’t give a fuck one way or another about that episode now, but it would be a good way to close out that whole ordeal.
Just to make sure I’m understanding right, because sometimes I assume too much…
You want him to apologize to you so that you can forgive him so that you start your own process of self help?
As a teenager and as an usher in church I stole money from the basket. 40+ years later, and surprised I was still alive and intact, I sent that church some cash anonymously. During this same period (about 8th grade) I went on a mighty shoplifting spree, did not make amends except for the church