Here’s my deal - I’m 31, have a great job, education, and girlfriend. I left home for college when I was 18 and have been all over the world. I’ve done everything I could have imagined with my life by this point and more.
Yet strangely, for the past few months, I have been experiencing an incredibly strong urge to move back in with my parents - dad is 66 and mom is 59, both in good health. My sister lives with her husband nearby, and my brother is sort of a “failure to launch” and still lives with mom and dad. I live a 4-5 hour drive from my family and we see each other 5-6 times a year and talk on the phone or Skype at least 1x a week. They live in a cozy river town about an hour north of NYC in the same really cool Victorian house that we all grew up in.
Unfortunately, they can’t afford the house anymore and they will probably have to sell it soon. I am in better financial shape than they are, and for some reason a part of me feels like I should move back in with them and turn a piece of the house into “my apartment” so I can help them make their mortgage and keep the house in the family.
I know this is not really a rational or practical plan. My rational side is saying that I only feel this way because every time I see them it’s some type of vacation, holiday, or celebration, and that the reality of living with my family again would feel very, very different. My girlfriend would never go for it, the daily grind of living with my parents again while commuting an hour plus each way to NYC each day would be miserable, and I would miss all of the great friends I have where I live currently. Yet I find myself always feeling this way around the holidays, and the feeling gets stronger and more difficult to deal with every year. I have this feeling of guilt - like I have somehow abandoned them and if I would just drop everything and start from scratch back at home, life would be perfect and I could be a kid again forever. It doesn’t help that every time I go home I see my younger brother - who is 28 - essentially living the same way he was when I left home for the first time 13 years ago. I know I wouldn’t be happy in his situation but MAN does it look sweet from the outside.
Anyone else feel like this? How did you deal with it? I never thought I would feel this way. It’s odd.
That type of help doesn’t require moving in with them- it’d be different if they were sick or whatever, and didn’t already have someone their who could help out. But if it’s a financial thing, and they really need the help, and you’re in a position to provide it . . . You can do that from the comfort of your own home.
But you already know this:
I know this is not really a rational or practical plan. My rational side is saying that I only feel this way because every time I see them it’s some type of vacation, holiday, or celebration, and that the reality of living with my family again would feel very, very different.
Maybe you should consider moving somewhat closer to your family at some point in the future, or just visiting more frequently.
My parents sold the family house when I was ~30. It is very common to feel extremely nostalgic for your childhood “home” (a friend of mine hasn’t been able to accept his parents’ recent downsizing). Downsizing is very often the best possible financial decision for folks approaching retirement (assuming strong appreciation and equity). If you wish to help financially AND IT MAKES SENSE, then go ahead, but you don’t have to live there (it it sounds like it would be a very bad idea). BTW, your brother’s situation looks anything but sweet.
I’ll bring up just one element here (out of many) to consider - the house… I realize it’s hard to think of anyone else ever living in your childhood house, but think this one through very carefully…
You mention that you’d like to “keep the house in the family”, but (…correct me if I’m wrong…) doesn’t that really just equate to you taking over the house here?
What happens in the not-too-distant future when your parents are too elderly to stay there? Then you are stuck with a (large? older?) house, full mortgage payments perhaps still in the mix, possibly supplementing the parents’ care-facility costs, and a brother living in what’s now your house who doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere… Is that what you really want?
I don’t mean to sound harsh on your brother, but siblings like that can quickly become a boat anchor around your neck (bless their hearts, of course!) if you aren’t careful with boundaries - living in the same house with them makes those all the harder to set & maintain.
Just think this whole plan through to the most logical conclusion, and not just how you’d like things to turn out…
Cheers, Chris
ETA: Sorry there, vitus - I mistakenly “responded” to you instead of the OP…
I was and have been living in your shoes for too damn long now. Father lost his job and could have lost the house due to improper financial planning. His lazy ass fucker of a son contributed zilch. My sister gave $5 for nothing and I was footing the rest for us all on minimum wage. I got higher paying jobs and was willing to support my father and I under the condition he told my brother to leave the house. For some odd reason that was the hardest thing for him to do and best for me. We don’t have the same mothers so he could have passed on and I would not cared. Still don’t care for him. My sister did her bit and left on her own. With work, I have lived in various locations still supporting my father. A year ago, due to him not being well we found ourselves living together again. I dont enjoy it one bit. I am stuck and want out, now. It is too late now as my sister passed on nearly seven years ago and those roaches from the first marriage don’t and won’t give a shit until he passes and their hands will be out like trick or treaters on Halloween. I will have my mother to deal with too. Physically I am an only child and it is not fun having to be in this position. Dont be like me. Tell your parents you can help out as much as possible under the condition your brother leave the house. You are too young to have a child three years your junior. Also, if you pay into the mortgage, make sure you get that back should the house be sold. Your sister needs to step up too.
66 and 59 is still relatively young. How long of a commitment are you willing to make? Their situation is unlikely to get any better, and as they time goes by and they age, their needs are likely to increase. And once you’re the one living there, the more they will rely upon youj, and the more difficult it will be to change the situation.
You haven’t abandoned them. You’ve just grown up, something your brother apparently hasn’t done yet. Making a decision to continue living on your own isn’t abandonment either. There are countless ways to care for your parents and help them out that do not require a sacrifice that will likely end up being a long term commitment.
If your parents cannot afford to continue living there, then it seems like they should be looking for somewhere else where that they can afford long term, with or without your help.
My parents moved and significantly downsized when they were both 70, years after we were all gone. They couldn’t be happier and wish that they had done it much either. I don’t believe any of my brothers and I have any longings for the old house. Lots of memories, but no regrets that our parents aren’t there anymore.
What happens in the not-too-distant future when your parents are too elderly to stay there? Then you are stuck with a (large? older?) house, full mortgage payments perhaps still in the mix, possibly supplementing the parents’ care-facility costs, and a brother living in what’s now your house who doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere… Is that what you really want?
I don’t mean to sound harsh on your brother, but siblings like that can quickly become a boat anchor around your neck (bless their hearts, of course!) if you aren’t careful with boundaries - living in the same house with them makes those all the harder to set & maintain.
Plus, keeping the house in the family is unrealistic when siblings are not on the same page.
DOWNSIZE THEM! Its just a house, you are the one with the memories, and they stay with you no matter what. You are lucky, they are healthy at the moment. There will come a time when they are not, or one of them goes first, and then you can think about moving in, or other alternatives. I have gone through this exact same thing, only about 15 years in front of you. I can always go and drive by the old house if i’m in the area, but usually i don’t bother to even do that.
Something to consider. If you did give up what you currently have to move back - you would probably start building up resentment towards all three of them. I think a little it of unwarranted guilt is much healthier than a strong dose of resentment.
I appreciate your desire to help them. If you want to do something… I definitely would not make payments for them. Require them to sell the home and put it in your name. And as others have said, make sure they understood that your brother would have to get our or pay a reasonable rent each month.
While it might be painful to think about them leaving the family home, I bet you would get over it in due time. Then, you wouldn’t have the resentment and financial burden. They would be better off, and so would you.
If you’re hoping to inherit the house some time down the road it seems like a sound plan and maybe consider working something out with your folks for when this happens since you’re helping out now, but it can be tough to move back home. I actually moved home for a couple of months in my early 40’s after my divorce until I could find a suitable place. It was a tough couple of months for me and my folks.
We’re (wife and I) are currently in a similar situation with her parents. Late 50’s, but FIL still has 6-figures in school debt and is barely making enough (chiropractor in a very small town abut 2hrs north of us) to keep his doors open. They did sell the big house 2yrs ago and moved into a small 2bdr/2bt home, but they are still struggling big-time. My wife’s siblings are part of the problem, all three live within a few minutes and totally leach off them - one (26yrs old) lives there rent free off and on, and another is dad’s office assistant and gets free childcare from grandma. We’ve tried a million times to get them to move closer to us where FIL would have more opportunity or to simply give up his business and get into an established practice or teach; he has too much pride. We finally told them that we are looking to buy in the next year and it will be a duplex, we’d love for them to live in the other residence. So, FIL is giving it one more year to see if he can get things rolling and then they’re moving in with us. Either way, we are going to be supporting them in the near future, at least this way it affects our current life the least.
**I’ll bring up just one element here (out of many)…**nd not just how you’d like things to turn out…
^^^This.
The other part of this is what do you parents want? Maybe they don’t want you in their house, sounds like they are already still taking care of your other sibling.
I really don’t understand the whole let the kids live with mom and dad till they die thing. Your brother sounds like a squatter and is waiting for your parents to die so he can get the house for nothing. Of course he probably doesn’t have enough income to to support it and it will be trashed in a couple months after they are gone.
FWIW the world seems full of people like this these days. If they aren’t living off the government they are living off their parents.