Some of you are lifers…so…
Is love, trust, and desire enough?
I know I love her…
I know I trust her…
I know I desire her…
Is that all there is to it?
My wife, Jamie the Veterinarian, and I had our 5th anniversary last Thursday; and, we’ve been together 10. Planning on being lifers, but we’re not there yet …
To answer your question: No. It’s not enough. All are crucial, but making it work is hard work. Cliche, yes; but true. All the stuff you mentioned is important, especially at the beginning. But, I don’t think those 3 things alone will sustain a marriage for life.
In our 5 years marriage, there have been times where I haven’t ‘loved’ her; where I haven’t ‘trusted’ her; and where I haven’t ‘desired’ her. Never, not once, have I ever given up on our marriage. This stuff comes and goes to verying degrees. Big deal.
We made a commitment and a decision to build our life together. For us, it really is that simple. All the other shit that gets in the way is like bad code … you figure it out as you go, and fix what’s fucked.
And when you’re the one getting fucked … all the better.
Thanks sometimes I just think ( I know) that she is just not happy with the way her life is turning out. I try and try and try to make her a happy person…does not work.
Sometimes I feel like giving up - but I love her so damn much
not giving up … i think that may really be the secret to making it work.
my wife is the same way about never being happy, satisfied. i blame the catholic church (serious … 15 years in catholic school will fuck you up). but i love her and all the crap that goes along with it.
she’s getting better, and finally figuring out to live for herself, and not others. something that was very hard for her.
we’re making a huge move and life change soon. next monday, we leaving vegas and moving to colorado. jamie decided that she was unhappy in private practice, so she quit her job and is starting a residency/phd at csu.
she’s taking over a 50% cut in pay to pursue her dream, and it means we’re moving cross country. our lifestyle is going to change big time, but this is something she needs to do. so i support her.
point being, if your (or her) life isn’t turning out like you want it to … change it now, before you’ve pissed it away.
No. Here’s why: I love my hubby, I trust him and I think he’s super sexy-hot. But I am so driven to achieve that he can get left behind, as if he can’t keep pace with me. Sometimes what we want, no, wait, what we need is not available (or really hard to get) because of the person we love, trust and desire.
I try to believe that it is enough, and I work hard to try and make it so. But even I can see times when it can slip. I particularly have to compromise, and sometimes I get resentful about that. I write down my choices like that on a piece of paper, so I can remember why I made that choice. I.e.: I stayed with him and turned down that amazing job offer X years ago because I love him, and I wanted him to finish his education. Do I regret that decision? Some days I do, but then I pull out my piece of paper, and I remember why I made that choice to compromise. Then I’m OK.
It’s not super-happy-terrific, but it’s OK. Sometimes it’s even better than OK.
AP
PS: What if you trust them but they betray you? How terrible would that be…
That is what she does not get…that I am living my dream. I have a nice house in a nice area and more room than I know what to do with. I drive nice cars, nice bikes and what not…I am living my dream…her dreams I think are dreams…Cinderella and Snow White stuff…and she is VERY successful…but wont be proud of herself. She is just not any longer (she used to be) a happy person…I blame myself for that.
I spent roughly 12 years in a relationship which eventually ended. One of the major problems was that I tried to solve her problems for her. Combine this with her poor self image and we had a recipe for trouble. Took us seperating for either of us to get better. Don’t avoid a relationship because she’s not always happy w/ her life, but until you realize that your best reaction to that is to be supportive and listen rather than to solve, you’ll be trapped in a miserable cycle. I learned too late to save that relationship and it’s still hard to sit back and be supportive rather than dig in and try to find a solution, but thats the way to make it work long term. Just my opinion
Kevin
nope, don’t forget hard work and willingness to compromise on really important issues. in other words, you not only have to be committed to her, you have to be committed to making the relationship work, even when it’s inconvenient or painful. to be honest with you, i don’t think it’s for everybody.
“She is just not any longer (she used to be) a happy person…I blame myself for that.”
If it is true, that you are the reason she is no longer a happy person. Leave.
Harsh, no? My thought is that you are not the reason, although you may be the focus of her unhappiness.
I spent 14 years learning this very hard lesson: everyone is responsible for their own happiness. (what can I say? on some things I am a slow learner) If she can not love herself, there is no chance, zero, zip, zilch, nada, that she will be able to love you.
I, like the last poster, am by temperment a fixer (and I have graduate education on the topic to boot) Problems are to be solved, not cherished. If she enjoys wallowing, you will not be able to stop her. Run now.
She ain’t happy. You can’t make her happy. The ball is in her court.
Our 15 year relationship has been built on three things: Trust, Honesty, and Respect. We have total trust in each other, we are completely honest even if it hurts, and respect each other’s decisions, goals and achievements. Yes, it is not easy at times but without those three foundation stones, a long term relationship is not possible. As for her self esteem and sense of reality, you can only do so much but you can help her to focus of the present and help her confidence. Good luck Record10, you deserve nothing but happiness.
She ain’t happy. You can’t make her happy. The ball is in her court. Wise, but I would go further…none of us has the ability to make anyone happy outside of ourselves.
Material success is a distant second behind emotional success. All the shit in the world won’t make you happy if you’re not already happy with yourself - maybe she’s starting to learn that.
I got the same thing from his post that you did.
Stuff will make you misreable in the long run if you make that your dream. Material goods will fail you every time.
If she is not happy with herself, she will never be happy with anyone else. You can not make her happy.
Does she trust you? desire you? love you? it takes two.
“I know I trust her…”
I say this in all seriousness, Chip…
If you are questioning the relationship…it seems to me that some part of you is LACKING trust…think about it…
damn, tibbsy hit it right on the head (his work must be paying off) …
when you get beyond your love/trust/desire foundation of why you started the relationship, it’s all about understanding needs … yours and hers, and learning to separate the two. happiness comes from within - you seek to fulfill your needs and she does the same. if she becomes unhappy with her life, it may or may not be about you … but you certainly can’t fill up whatever void she’s uncovered in her psyche … and if you try you lose your balance and you lose your happiness.
good partnership, in my opinion, is about being yourself and letting the other person be themselves … knowing when to ask for help, and knowing how to respond when the other person asks. it’s being involved with the other person’s life, but not being the other person’s life. bottom line is, as tibbs said, you can’t MAKE another person be happy - at the end of the day, it’s their choice to be happy or not.
“Material success is a distant second behind emotional success.”
True but if we can make him understand the beauty of American horsepower pre-1966 he might be happier.
It’ll be 31 years June 29… I don’t remember any hard work but we both had to do tough things like decide that we love each other during some very difficult times.
I think Tibbsey’s statement hits the happiness nail right on the head… me adding anything would ruin it.
We’ve enjoyed each other’s journey. Sometimes these have been on separate paths, sometimes together, but these have brought strength to our marriage.
How true. That small block stuff he thinks is power can’t compare to the days of cast iron big blocks with 4 barrel carbs…