“I think the reason for the generalization, is that all too often a person thinks “the other person” is the cause of all the problems… when it is really them. Then they switch to a completely different spouse, but their own unresolved issues are as bad as ever… and often worse.”
But sometimes it is the other person. My first wife was much like the girlfriend you described. No man would ever make her happy, mostly because she didn’t even like herself. It was not a relationship that could ever have been sustained. I ignored the warning signs before we got married. Even as miserable as things got, I never ended up despising her. I simply came to realize we weren’t meant for each other and hoped she would find whatever it was she wanted. So far as I know she never got married again.
I learned from that marriage though and those lessons are part of what has made my second marriage successful.
How often do you married couples talk about getting divorced? If one part of the couple brings it up monthly or bi-monthly, do you think there are underlying issues?
My wife and I have been married 10 years now and haven’t ever talked seriously about getting divorced.
I do some marriage counselling (I’m a pastor, so mostly in a church setting). I’ve never seen a situation where a spouse is bringing up divorce regularly and there aren’t underlying issues. Even if it’s brought up jokingly, in my experience people don’t make frequent jokes about something like divorce without there being some element of truth, something serious underlying the joking.
I have occasionally run into a couple where one partner uses the possibility of divorce as leverage to try to get what he/she wants in the marriage - “If you don’t do x for me, I’m outta here…” The person may be serious about carrying out the threat, or may be simply using it to manipulate his or her spouse. Even if the person isn’t seriously considering divorce, there are definitely underlying issues that need to be worked out.
I’ve been married for 16 years and the only time it is ever brought up is when we say that it not a possibility. We’ve got a strong marriage and I can’t imagine anything ever splitting us up.
As far as the spouse bringing it up repeatedly - it would make me think that that person feels powerless and might be using it to assert some control/power over the marriage. The other spouse might want to examine themselves and see if they are too controlling or inflexible.
I am currently going through a divorce. I was married 3.5+ years and never thought of getting divorced or said it until 9-10 months ago. The words were never mentioned by either of us to each other until last June. Once divorce was even an option for me, I knew I had checked out of the marriage. I thought divorce would never be an option for me. Neither of us did.
To some of the other comments. After a lot of reflection and therapy which I am going to continue to do, I understand a lot better now why I ended up in a failed marriage. I do think I got married too young, before I knew myself well and what I wanted and needed out of a marriage. He changed quickly and put his work before me and instead of letting him know that this wasn’t ok, I tried to be supportive and hope that eventually he wouldn’t work so much like he said he would. I never really knew how to communicate effectively with him and he always squashed my attempts to communicate. I know now, that he really wasn’t the best person for me to begin with, and he changed into a person that did things and said things that hurt me. We tried to work on things, but he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with his workaholism and treating me less than. That’s how he was, he has his reasons, and I had to deal with it. So, I couldn’t.
I am working on learning how to communicate better with others and to learn what I need to do to be sucessful in all my relationships–with friends, family, and possibly a future spouse.
I used to think people who got divorced were giving up and just weren’t working hard enough on their marriage. Every sitution is different and you can’t understand it unless you are in it. I will never judge another divorced person again. Getting divorced was one of the most difficult decisions of my life.