How often do you married couples talk about getting divorced? If one part of the couple brings it up monthly or bi-monthly, do you think there are underlying issues?
Is that a rhetorical question?
just went through this, pm sent.
d
We drew a line in the sand early on in our marriage. Divorce happens if:
There is infidelity
Violence
Lying
Nothing like that so far. We’ve been married 12+ years. One thing I read a while ago pops up in my mind from time to time:
People think that by getting a divorce their next spouse will be the “one” and the opposite of everything they dislike about their present SO. However, they go into the next relationship(s) with more baggage, higher expectations and come down much harder when ttheir expectations aren’t met. What they should have done is put a real effort into fixing the problems that made them think about divorce in the first place, but that would require work and we all know how much we love more work.
So if one of you is bringing up divorce often that’s a problem that you should work on. I wish you well.
Statistics say that if you have a 2nd marriage, you are much more likely to get divorced a 2nd time. I would agree with this partly because of your explanation and partly because the first time is the hardest and the 2nd time getting a divorce is much easier. Well, it’s not easier to get a divorce, but it’s easier to make that decision. Actually, in most difficult things, the 1st time is the hardest and it gets way easier after that. It’s the rare person that makes a huge mistake and doesn’t do it again.
I’ve been married for 13 years and the only time we talk about getting divorced is when we joke that we might as well stay married because divorce is a total hassle.
We have never used it in a fight or even dropped in any kind of conversation in a serious way.
If you want your marriage to be saved, get into counceling.
So if one of you is bringing up divorce often that’s a problem that you should work on. I wish you well.
Yep… but it is good stuff, an opportunity to get closer. Not easy for sure.
Statistics say that if you have a 2nd marriage, you are much more likely to get divorced a 2nd time. I would agree with this partly because of your explanation and partly because the first time is the hardest and the 2nd time getting a divorce is much easier. Well, it’s not easier to get a divorce, but it’s easier to make that decision. Actually, in most difficult things, the 1st time is the hardest and it gets way easier after that. It’s the rare person that makes a huge mistake and doesn’t do it again.
Odds are pretty good you need to get married that 2nd time to get divorced the 2nd time. Statistics are right once again!
"How often do you married couples talk about getting divorced? If one part of the couple brings it up monthly or bi-monthly, do you think there are underlying issues? "
If one of you brings up divorce on a regular basis as a serious topic of discussion, then yes, I’d say there’s an issue.
I agree. Also, my wife and I agreed the word “divorce” or saying “leaving you” is taboo and never to be brought up no matter how mad we are at each other.
“Also, my wife and I agreed the word “divorce” or saying “leaving you” is taboo …”
Unfortunately, never mentioning the word “divorce” is no guarantee that she (or he) isn’t thinking about it or planning it.
That’s true. However, I believe too many people use those words in the heat of the moment and they hurt. I think in most cases they are used without really meaning it when the dust settles.
My wife and I watched a documentary on “Long term” Marriage+ years.
The couple was asked “did you ever discuss divorce”. The wife responded “I can’t ever remember bringing it up…Killing each other, oh sure, but never divorce” 
~Matt
15 + years and no not really.But she did say something about killing me a few times ;-). I still check my gatorade and make sure it is not anti-freeze 
“People think that by getting a divorce their next spouse will be the “one” and the opposite of everything they dislike about their present SO. However, they go into the next relationship(s) with more baggage, higher expectations and come down much harder when ttheir expectations aren’t met. What they should have done is put a real effort into fixing the problems that made them think about divorce in the first place, but that would require work and we all know how much we love more work.”
My second/current wife is the “one” and the opposite of everything I disliked about my first wife. There was no baggage or high expectations. We’ve now been together for ~15 years and have never had anything even close to a serious argument, whereas the first marriage involved heated arguments almost daily. Real effort was put into trying to save the first marriage and it didn’t work. So much for sweeping generalizations.
Perhaps your statement is true of people who go out seeking the same type of personality the second time around. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to be different is a definition of insanity.
When one person starts throwing around “divorce” during arguments, it is a sign of serious troubles. I have read that once a person gets the notion of divorce in their head it is only a matter of time until it becomes a reality. Immediate outside counseling should be initiated if there is any hope at all of saving the relationship.
My second/current wife is the “one” and the opposite of everything I disliked about my first wife. There was no baggage or high expectations. We’ve now been together for ~15 years and have never had anything even close to a serious argument, whereas the first marriage involved heated arguments almost daily. Real effort was put into trying to save the first marriage and it didn’t work. So much for sweeping generalizations.
I think the reason for the generalization, is that all too often a person thinks “the other person” is the cause of all the problems… when it is really them. Then they switch to a completely different spouse, but their own unresolved issues are as bad as ever… and often worse.
I once dated a woman who had been divorced twice. She liked to talk about how awful her husbands were. I was crazy about her, so I sympathised and knew her life would now be wonderful with me. But it wasn’t. She was perpetually freaking out in a crazy way about stuff that didn’t make sense at all. Eventually I realized that I was standing in as the “asshole”, and she was rehashing the same inner turmoil as she had with her husbands. Unfortunately she seemed incapable of looking at the root causes of what was upsetting her, and after a few years, I gave up. Since then I know of at least 2 other guys who have suffered the same fate from her…
Now I’ve been with a great gal for 8 years and we hardly ever argue.
But one other thing I’d like to mention that I think is important. I’ve been in several long relationships besides the crazy woman, and they all involved a period of craziness… including my present wife. I don’t know if this is normal for others or not, but it is in my experience. Now I think that women tend to go through a period turmoil when they get to the threshold of being really commited to a man. And IME this begins 2-3 years into the relationship and lasts at least a year. Except for my wife, I always left after a year or so of it, since things were really not working out. With my wife I stayed… and after a year she got through it, we got married, and things have been great ever since.
People think that by getting a divorce their next spouse will be the “one” and the opposite of everything they dislike about their present SO.
Its funny that you say that. I’ve always noticed that when you are not feeling great about your situation, you look elsewhere and put the blinders on. If I was to meet my wife out in public on her best days, I’d be inclined to dump my normal wife (and especially my wife at her worst) and go get this other woman.
That’s not to say sometimes people are just not compatible.
People think that by getting a divorce their next spouse will be the “one” and the opposite of everything they dislike about their present SO. However, they go into the next relationship(s) with more baggage, higher expectations and come down much harder when ttheir expectations aren’t met. What they should have done is put a real effort into fixing the problems that made them think about divorce in the first place, but that would require work and we all know how much we love more work.
Well said.
It’s part of the reason the divorce rate for second marriages is so high - people’s expectations are totally out of wack with reality. It’s a rare divorce where their is a complete and total break from that relationship and people move on un-fettered - second marriges are often more complicated, more dynamic with much more going on. It often requires higher levels of communication and interaction with all involved.
Statistics say that if you have a 2nd marriage, you are much more likely to get divorced a 2nd time.
Eric,
The divorce rate for second marriages are not great but they are skewed to the bad side by:
-
Marital affairs that lead to divorce and a quick marriage
-
People getting married too quickly after a divorce because they need someone in their lives right away
-
People thinking that the grass is greener and that getting a divorce remarrying will make all the problems go away
Get rid of those unfortunate stats and people - who really should have not got married and the success rate for second marriages is actually very good.
If you take away these cases:
- People who get married too young
- People who get married for the wrong reasons
- People who get married because of pressure from their families
- People who get married to people that are not good for them
Then the statistics for first marriages is actually pretty good.
I understand your point, but my point is you can’t take out those bad cases because bad cases happen with 1st marriages as well.