So, I’ve been thinking(very dangerous I know), but with all of the relationship advice being given out lately, I thought I would seek ya’lls opinion. I have recently started dating this woman, OK it’s only been one date, but there was a lot of flirting going on before that first date, and since she returned my phone call after said date, I’m assuming there will be a least one more to follow. Here is my conundrum: I’m in the National Guard and I will be getting deployed, most likely to Iraq, within the next 6 months; and it is likely that I will be gone for a little over 1 year. She knows this and we briefly discussed it during our date. She voiced her reticence about getting involved too deeply into a relationship with me over this issue.
So I’m debating how I should proceed. Should I pursue a relationship with her(I think it could be a very good one) and deal with the deployment when it happens? Or, should I back off, put things on hold and see if we might be able to rekindle things when I get back(if she and/or I are still available)? She is quite a catch and I find it hard to believe that someone else will not have snatched her up by then.
Slowtwitch relationship experts(Tom Demerly notwithstanding) have at it.
<<She knows this and we briefly discussed it during our date. She voiced her reticence about getting involved too deeply into a relationship with me over this issue.>>
I read that as what she is really saying is she does not want you falling too deeply for her and doing something crazy like going AWOL “just to be with her.” Perhaps she’s looking for a not so intense relationship for the short duration. If there was a lot of flirting, especially if it was of a more sexual nature, perhaps she isn’t looking for Mr. Right, just Mr. Right-now.
Well that’s hard but my philosophy has always been to live life at it’s fullness. You have to live today, because you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow… what if you never get deployed? Things will work themselves out… i say if you enjoy each other’s company, go for it… And if she turns out to be the one, a year is nothing… I’d wait a year if I found my soulmate. My receptionist has been engaged to a guy that has been in Irak for over a year… Also, it is SO hard to find that special someone, please don’t just let her go, you might regret it and always wonder what if… I know it’s soon but if you don’t try, you won’t know… Coming from a very picky girl here:)
<<She knows this and we briefly discussed it during our date. She voiced her reticence about getting involved too deeply into a relationship with me over this issue.>>
I read that as what she is really saying is she does not want you falling too deeply for her and doing something crazy like going AWOL “just to be with her.” Perhaps she’s looking for a not so intense relationship for the short duration. If there was a lot of flirting, especially if it was of a more sexual nature, perhaps she isn’t looking for Mr. Right, just Mr. Right-now.
Well that’s hard but my philosophy has always been to live life at it’s fullness. You have to live today, because you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow… what if you never get deployed? Things will work themselves out… i say if you enjoy each other’s company, go for it… And if she turns out to be the one, a year is nothing… I’d wait a year if I found my soulmate. My receptionist has been engaged to a guy that has been in Irak for over a year… Also, it is SO hard to find that special someone, please don’t just let her go, you might regret it and always wonder what if… I know it’s soon but if you don’t try, you won’t know… Coming from a very picky girl here:)
Tricky one. The right people, and the right moments, come along so seldom, it seems a shame not to grab them with both arms. If you are being honest about your situation (and you are), then she can make her choices. Six months is long enough to figure out if the thing has legs or not, and then if you both decide to keep it going all you have to do is get back from Iraq in one peace.
I would say proceed, maybe a little cautiously, but if she is good for you, then why not?
BTW, good luck in Iraq. And thank you for the job you are being asked to do.
Why don’t you guys hang out and be best friends that do “this and that”. (Should have been part of the Seinfeld thread)
So many people think that love is all that you need, well, if you really want to stay with her, you have to be best friends and that may take a long time to develop. When a relationship is new, you are not yourself, you only show your good side. After a while, the real you (and her) comes out and you guys have to be sure that that is the person you want to be with forever.
My point, don’t try to move forward with a relationship untill you really know the person and are comfortable with her. There are a lot of people in the world that will match up to you perfectly. It just takes time to find them.
A lot can happen in 6 months. A LOT! Your deployment situation could change. Somebody could die. The world could end. When I dated, I always tried to move forward until there was some kind of conclusion. There was one time when I didn’t and 25 years later, 15 of them happily married, I still sometimes wonder, “what if?”. I say, go for it, one day at a time.
My advice is not to put your personal life on hold. The military is a fickle thing–something could change tomorrow and you would regret not pursuing this relationship.
Imagine this scenario–Millions of people sign up for races for RunAgainstBush.org. The tidal wave of money sweeps Kerry into office. Kerry dons his black headband, grabs an M-60, parachutes into Iraq and kills all terrorists single-handed. Billions of Muslims world-wide now love the US. Your deployment is cancelled, but your honey has already met and gotten engaged to another guy. OK–none of this is likely to happen, but, you get the point.
I have much the same issue when it comes to what I plan long term. We all here know that the Doctors are not to sure about my health going forward. Day to day my health changes - just last monday I had another set or MRI’s, CT Scans, EEG’s and blood test after blood test. Is it fair for me to get involved with a woman I care deeply for - knowing that the future would hold for me an early death, and for her heart ache? Do I want to break her heart? Do I want to try and have children who will possibly not remember who their father was by the time they are 5 or 10?
What I know is that every morning I wake up next to this woman I smile. She makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. She knows what is up with me on a medical sense - I have never hidden it from her. I know that at times I will almost try on purpose to scare her away as I dont want her to worry about what I may or may not be suffering from. I dont want her to know that sometimes I hurt…because I know it would hurt her. She has decided that it must be worth it (for the time being I guess). She knows, and thus far - she has stood by me.
With this woman that you speak of - if you have to go over sea’s, she may not WANT to miss you. She may not WANT to fall in love with you. She might not have a choice…she will. And that my friend is all any man could ever ask for.
Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
A year and a half is a long time to put a relationship on hold. If you deploy in six months, that offers the potential for six happy months together. Conversely, that’s more than enough time to figure out that it isn’t working.
My experience, having been in the military, is that you getting involved with her before you deploy will not deter other men from hitting on her while you are gone, nor will it deter her from straying if she is not totally committed to you. A year is a long time to expect someone to wait, and that’s one of the many factors that makes military marriages difficult. Hell, half the guys in my squadron would hit on your wife when you were in the other room. (What do you think the other flights do on the nights you’re working the mid shift?)
On the other hand, if she really does like you, she might wait for you after all, or at least leave herself available when you get back. For that to happen, you would have to give her a reason to keep her dance card open.
“…half the guys in my squadron would hit on your wife when you were in the other room.”
You must have been in the Air Force or the Navy where they are gentlemen. I was in the Marines–the guys in my squadron didn’t even wait 'til you left the room. One guy made the mistake of taking his wife to the “Ready Room” at the O’Club on Friday night–I thought he was going to have to pull his K-Bar to get her out. Then there were the wives of those guys who got killed. Their bodies weren’t even cold before other guys started hitting on them. “I just came by to say what a great friend (insert call sign) was and see if there was anything you needed…”
Yeah, I was in the Air Force, and I was being kind. I wasn’t on post a week when some guy stops by my apartment (while I’m on the midnight shift) to see how my girfriend was holding up, you know, being all alone at night and everything, and was there anything that he could do to help…while my then girlfriend/now ex-wife didn’t buy it(I think), I understand that this guy was fairly successful with this line.
It was pervasive and blatant. There was a couple who met on post, got married, and were both cheating within a year. The thing about it was that so many people were doing it, and everybody knew(you know how there is no keeping secrets on flight/squad), yet it continued. All things considered, since we were all SP’s, I’m amazed that no one ever got shot.
Shortly after I left base, this one real hottie(which was a rarity in an SP squadron) blew the whole squadron apart. It turns out that she was, er, “involved with” a few, okay, several, fine, numerous, guys on flight, and was getting freaky with them on post. A few people got busted, and they were going to be lenient towards the woman(meaning no Dishonorable Discharge). Until they searched her room. She had been making videotapes of her escapades with different guys, and they found tapes from her last two bases, including some group videos shot on post. About 40 people total, at three different bases, got busted because of it.
Thanks for the advice. Tentative plans have been made for another date. Woo Hoo! I’m trying not to put the cart before the horse, but I have good feelings about a relationship developing. As many of you have said finding the right person to have a deep meaningfull relationship can be difficult. All I can do on my end is see how my feelings develop, let her know how I feel and the rest is up to her.
I also appreciate the support for my military service. As many of you know, it can be a tough life, but I have never regretted my 6 years of active service or my recent 2 years with the Guard. If I get the chance while I am there I will try and post a little to give you the real scoop.