A little background-- My wife and I are both 35, triathletes, married 7 years. We have a very healthy relationship, we love and respect eachother (and demonstrate it daily). We’re happy together and I’m sure we’ll be together for the duration. We have a dog.
When we were first married we agreed that neither of us were interested in having children any time soon, possibly in the future. Anyway, the future is now. But I’m still not convinced that having a child is something I want to do. So, parents, how did you decide that you wanted to become parents? Did you even consider that you could live as a married couple, happily ever after, childless?
after getting really drunk at a xmas party the decision was made for me by jack. my son turns 3 this month. and i wouldn’t trade him for a DINK lifestyle.
after getting really drunk at a xmas party the decision was made for me by jack
“jack” is: what you were drinking? your son’s name? or a pet name for your…?
I never went through a decision process. It’s just something I knew. I always wanted to have children and I knew going into my marriage that we would eventually try to have kids. My husband and I talked about this before we got married. I got married relatively young (23), so we were able to put off having kids until our late 20’s. I was ready to start before my husband, but we waited until we were both ready and I’m glad we did. You both need to be behind the decision 100% before you have kids because once you take that step there is no going back.
I did consider the fact that if we had difficulty getting pregnant that I could live happily as a married couple without children. I think we probably would have become a foster family or adopt, but before I did that I would have enjoyed myself as a childless couple as much as possible. I still want to become a foster family, but I’ve decided to wait until my kids are much older.
It’s too bad that our society puts so much pressure on married couples to have children. It’s almost like saying that the marriage isn’t complete without kids. That’s rubbish. If you and your wife will be happy without children, then there’s no reason at all to have them. They will just cause serious problems for your relationship if you don’t both want them. Join Foster Parents Plan and support a child overseas. Then, go out and party every weekend, make last minute vacation trips and have sex in the kitchen to make up for those of us who can’t.
Your title answers your question. If you don’t feel the need to have kids, don’t.
Don’t do it because it is something you are “supposed” to do since you have been together or married for X years.
Easy enuff.
So - why did you get a dog? What’s the point?
Think of all the things you hafta change or give up to have a dog, but then think of all the positives as well. With a kid, it is the same thing, times 1,000.
We love our dog Murphy (my screen-namesake) to death, he’s the best dog on Earth.
It’s also exhausting, expensive, exhilirating, depressing, awesome, humbling, energizing, demoralizing, catastrophic, wonderful, enlightening, enormously enriching, frightening, incredibly difficult, etc…but from the beginning, and consistently so for three years now, I’ve mostly found it to be really, really fun…
I wouldn’t trade my memories of wrestling on the floor, playing catch, walks, talks, etc. with my three boys (now 25, 21, and 17) for anything. No winning of any race can compare to that little face looking up at you and saying, “I love you, Daddy.” No body fat percentage goal achieved is the same as that little hand slipping inside yours at church. No bike can give you unconditional love. No bike will take care of you when you are in your declining years.
Wait till their teens. You think it is fun now, I hope your kids don’t turn out anywhere close to what I was like. My poor parents. Good thing I eventually came out all right.
Same boat as you and the fact that I don’t just know that I want kids is a clear indication for me that I shouldn’t have them. Many of my friends just knew that is what they wanted, it was never a question. For me I have always been sure I didn’t want them, not because I don’t like kids but just because I don’t want my own
My wife and I are in your situation, except that we made or decision before finding out that it had been made for us.
I’ll spare you all of the detail but it is just about a statistical impossiblity for us to have children. So what it really comes down to is do you want children. If the answer to that is not an outright YES than I would say don’t do it until it is answer is an outright YES. Society will pressure you, parents will pressure you for a grandchild, but until you are sure raising a child is what you want you should not do it.
Ok folks flame away but I believe that and will defend that position.
My wife and I are both about your age, our son’s going to be 2 in November.
Up to the point we “pulled the goalie,” I was completely on the fence, figuring I could give or take a kid. I was really happy with our life and our freedom. Finally, I just said, “ah, what the hell, let’s give it a shot.” For us, it was the right decision.
Granted, I’m ALWAYS tired, have little time for myself, train when I can (which usually includs a jogging stroller), the first three months of his life was a living hell and there’s a lot more to do around the house.
But I’ll tell you what, when I get home from work and he comes screaming “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” from the back of the house, gives me a huge hug and kiss and says, “I wuv you,” I forget about all that other crap.
Could we have lived happily without a kid? Probably.
Last night when I was rocking him before bed and singing a lullaby I thought he fell asleep. Then he lifted his head off my shoulder and said, “Daddy sing more, please,” then put his head back on my shoulder and went to sleep. Nothing in the world feels better than that.
After one my wife raced her first Tri and got the bug…we would not trade it for the world. You can not imagine the feeling when your 2 Year old is yelling “go Papa” or “go Mama”. It gives you something to race for…
If you ever see me in a race you will know me by my daughters name written on one of my thighs.
Training can be worked out too, you just have to plan. We are expecting number two soon and it will then give us twice the reason to cross the line…
Dude, that is a huge question for this forum. Here are my stats:
I am 43 years old, married for 18 years, 4 kids (daughter 16, three sons 13, 10 & 7) … sounds more planned than it was.
Rearing kids is expensive and hard work … much harder and more expensive than I ever imagined. While mine have given me lots of joy in return, I can not say the same for some of my friends.
I am not trying to be a downer but I believe with all my heart that you should hold off until both you and your wife are 100% behind the decision. There is no turning back.
Now for the good news. If you have a kid, once you lay eyes on him or her, you will be hooked for life!
Talk to your wife, your parents, a member of the clergy, your friends with kids, maybe a couple who decided not to have kids. Good luck.
Sounds like our house with the 2 year old, except we’ve also got a 2 month old in the mix. I was laughing at the singing part though, because if I sing or whistle, I get a pretty prompt "NOOOOO Daddeeee!
Boy- this sounds familiar. We were happily childless for 15 yrs and at age 37 the decision was made for us. My wife’s older sister had a child- that and the biological clock got louder. We now have 2 boys. The “decision” (such as it was) just happened- I had much colder feet than my spouse.
But know this- I’ve NEVER met anyone in my 49 years who regretted having children- and I’ve not met one older DINK couple who has not second guessed themselves the rest of their years (and now I’m going to hear from all of those blissfully happy DINKs- so be it).
Having children is one of those things in life that can not be explained- only experienced.
If you’re happy with what you’ve got … don’t change.
My wife and I decided we’d like to share a life with a child … one who was “half her” and “half me”. Then a few years later we decided we’d like another little one to share love with. Now, we’re thinking about adoption for a possible third.
We both have always wanted kids. I had a very close relationship with my father, and I always knew I wanted to have a son to enjoy that relationship with also.
Really, I just love kids (it’s why I also teach and coach). Always have, probably always will.
My 16mo little girl has me wrapped around her finger. My 4yo son has me wrapped in a headlock … of course this week now that he is “The Thing”, it’s all about “Clobberin’ Time”. Again, I just enjoy being around kids.
