If you got this email, would you think I was asking to much?

The Coffee Shop
1

I’m hoping i don’t need to go to far into the back story. many, all, of you already know my status.

We had a company meeting where basically I outed myself. This is my follow up e-mail to clarify some things that were left out. I have been told that I’m asking to much and that the e-mail mean.

So, here it is, for your dissection.

Hello Everyone,

Well, the cat is out of the bag and everyone is aware of my “issue”, Gender Dysphoria / Transsexual. I have fought this my entire life, and over the years learned how to hide it remarkably well from everyone. I know that some of you have questions, some don’t. Some of you will accept me as I am, some won’t. I understand those statements on many levels having lived through them. I have seen the worst in humans and the best in humans in the last few months.

Outside the office I live as female and because of that I have been forced to make changes that I wanted to wait to do. One of those things is my name. I have chosen: BLOCKED. I have submitted the paperwork with the courts and within a week or two my name will legally be Nova. I would appreciate it if you would try and use that name. Because the name change will be legal, everything will change to that name. Packages, mail, payroll, 401K, professional licenses. I understand that its not easy, and that you have known me as HIS NAME for years and I can’t expect you to switch it like a light bulb, but I do ask that you try. I have also changed my gender and I am legally female. I would appreciate it if you would address me with proper pronouns. She/her. Again, I understand the difficulty, but again ask you to be civil and courteous.

Now on to the hard part. The patients. Undoubtedly you have or will be asked about me. I get “you changed” at least 10 times a day. “What’s with HIS NAME”, “You look different”, “Is HIS NAME out of the closet?” I’m sure you have heard others and will hear others. I will leave it up to you to decide how much info you want to give them. I’m not hiding anything and if they ask, they should know. “She’s transsexual.” “Please ask her.” “I hadn’t noticed any change.” are all fine answers. I am very sorry that you will get these questions, and I’m sorry if they make you feel uncomfortable. You are not obligated to give them any answers and “I don’t know” is more than acceptable. Again, I’m very sorry that any of you are “caught up” in my issues.

I am attaching some information on Transsexualism and Gender Dysphoria. Please look through them. I’m not asking any of you to be experts on it, I live it and still don’t understand some of it. Please ask questions. Part of my ongoing therapy is to be open and honest. How can I move on if I continue to hide? I can’t.

Lastly, work and dress. I personally would like to be me. I want to stop having a double life and just live as Nova, however, I understand the implications of me showing up to work “dressed” and I will continue to dress, male? However, that is quickly becoming an issue. When and if I am able to come to work as Nova, you all will be given ample time and will know when/if the change will happen.

I would like to thank the “Fab Four” for their support and love over the last few months. I would not have made it if it weren’t for the shoulders I held onto for dear life. Thank you girls, I love you!

Was that mean and am I asking to much?

BTW, it’s a small company of 25 employees

Nova

2

I would be incredibly impressed if I got that e-mail.

I’d also be interested to know what some apparently considered “too much” - you ask for virtually nothing.

3

I would be incredibly impressed if I got that e-mail.

I’d also be interested to know what some apparently considered “too much” - you ask for virtually nothing.

This.

4

I would be incredibly impressed if I got that e-mail.

I’d also be interested to know what some apparently considered** “too much”** - you ask for virtually nothing.

They said that me asking them to call me Nova was to much. They felt they needed more time. That I am pushing it down their throats.

I tried to be nice, at least I thought so. When should I ask them to call me Nova? a month, a year, 5 years? It’s my name.

:frowning:

Nova

5

It sounds to me like you are patiently asking, instead of demanding that they treat you a certain way. I think your attitude will make a big difference. I’m sure it will take time for some to adjust, while some never will.

Putting myself in their shoes, it would take some time for me to make the adjustments you’re asking for - but I think I’d eventually come around. Again, the biggest thing is not demanding/expecting everyone to make the change with you - but you don’t come across that way.

Good luck, I hope it all works out well for you.

6

I’m surprised the request to be addressed as a different name was the one people brought up as an issue. Name changes happen for all sorts of reason, you never hear of someone who doesn’t like a nickname, or would like to be addressed in a more formal manner at work (michael vs mike) getting told that it’s too soon or the request is being shoved down their throats. Its your name, you should be able to request to be called whatever you like. Sure, there will be a period of getting used to it, but everyone should at least make the attempt…

7

“When should I ask them to call me Nova? a month, a year, 5 years? It’s my name.”

All acceptance by them or anybody aside, when it’s legally your name, so, now.

BTW, I’m just curious, where you the person answering transgender quesitons a while back on the main Triathlon forum page?

8

Very nice job of handling a difficult issue.

9

It sounds to me like you are patiently asking, instead of demanding that they treat you a certain way. I think your attitude will make a big difference. I’m sure it will take time for some to adjust, while some never will.

Putting myself in their shoes,** it would take some time for me to make the adjustments you’re asking for **- but I think I’d eventually come around. Again, the biggest thing is not demanding/expecting everyone to make the change with you - but you don’t come across that way.

Good luck, I hope it all works out well for you.

I understand that completely and make mention of that fact in the e-mail. To them I do. I

I was hoping the e-mail wold clarify things, would open the door to productive conversation and help me and them move on. What I didn’t expect was the reaction I’m getting.

10

You’re acting as a very mature and intelligent adult. They’re acting as a bunch of kids who don’t understand. Just ignore
anyone who doesn’t address you as Nova, until they get the message. And that is one very impressive email.

11

“When should I ask them to call me Nova? a month, a year, 5 years? It’s my name.”

All acceptance by them or anybody aside, when it’s legally your name, so, now.

BTW, I’m just curious, where you the person answering transgender quesitons a while back on the main Triathlon forum page?

Yes. I have made the complete transition and live as female now. I plan to have my surgery in the spring of next year. Hopefully that will be the end… Not.

Nova

12

They said that me asking them to call me Nova was to much. They felt they needed more time. That I am pushing it down their throats.

First, I think your e-mail and your requests were remarkably mature and measured. I can not imagine how hard it must have been to write that and then to hit the send button. You have no reason to be concerned about what you wrote.

Second, what I just wrote is how I think an objectively reasonable person should react to your e-mail and situation. Unfortunately, you are not dealing with objectively reasonable people on this issue. They are still the same people you knew and worked with and I hope liked before you came out. You prepared for your coming out. They did not. You struggled with it. They are just beginning to. You got counseling before doing it. They have had no counselling. As you recognized, it was terribly difficult for you. It is also very likely difficult for them too. I am not suggesting that they are right to be struggling with it or that they are justified in having a difficult time with it. But the fact of the matter is that they are struggling with it and having a difficult time. I think that if you continue to be generous and kind that they will come around. I hope that they will return your grace with a grace of their own … at least in time.

Good luck.

13

Depending on where you work and also who your coworker are (i.e. religious, conservative values, etc…) undoubtedly you will face some “resistance” no matter what.

While I honestly do not know how I would react to such situation (i.e. me working with you), the email you wrote and your “requests” are absolutely fine and I am quite surprised that this was viewed as mean.

Fred.

14

I was going to add that…Thanks for saving me the time and stating it way better than I would have.

15

They said that me asking them to call me Nova was to much. They felt they needed more time. That I am pushing it down their throats.

First, I think your e-mail and your requests were remarkably mature and measured. I can not imagine how hard it must have been to write that and then to hit the send button. You have no reason to be concerned about what you wrote.

Second, what I just wrote is how I think an objectively reasonable person should react to your e-mail and situation. Unfortunately, you are not dealing with objectively reasonable people on this issue. They are still the same people you knew and worked with and I hope liked before you came out. You prepared for your coming out. They did not. You struggled with it. They are just beginning to. You got counseling before doing it. They have had no counselling. As you recognized, it was terribly difficult for you. It is also very likely difficult for them too. I am not suggesting that they are right to be struggling with it or that they are justified in having a difficult time with it. But the fact of the matter is that they are struggling with it and having a difficult time. I think that if you continue to be generous and kind that they will come around. I hope that they will return your grace with a grace of their own … at least in time.

Good luck.

Thank you. Writing it was not hard, hitting send, that’s another story.

I’m seriously not trying to stir controversy, and I’m genuinely interested so that I can help them and me, but what are they struggling with? I would understand if they were struggling with the way I was dressed, but as I mentioned, I’m still HIM at work. To them, nothing has changed but my name.

Scratch that, I get it…

Nova

16

Just thinking out loud here, but, try to put these several changes on a relative “shock” scale:

  • Bob gets a new hairstyle.
  • Bob changed his name to Joe.
  • Bob changed his name to Joyce and is going to be a woman soon.

My point is, it’s a pretty big change and it will take time to absorb and adjust. I work for a very, very large company. We are made up largely of engineers. So, mostly ultra-conservative. There are several transgender people just on our campus. They are completely accepted and have good careers going. It can happen.

17

Just thinking out loud here, but, try to put these several changes on a relative “shock” scale:

  • Bob gets a new hairstyle.
  • Bob changed his name to Joe.
  • Bob changed his name to Joyce and is going to be a woman soon.

My point is,** it’s a pretty big change and it will take time to absorb and adjust.** I work for a very, very large company. We are made up largely of engineers. So, mostly ultra-conservative. There are several transgender people just on our campus. They are completely accepted and have good careers going. It can happen.

Again, I get that. I made mention of it in my e-mail.

Does that e-mail come across as shoving it down your throat? Am I being pushy?

I guess to you I am. The way you wrote that, it came across to me like you felt the e-mail was pushy and that I was not being realistic in my time goals.

Or am I just being to sensitive? Which is a complete possibility.

Noav

18

No, I don’t think you’re being pushy. I just believe people are people and each person reacts to change in a different way. Some will come around immdiately, some will take longer and there may very well be some who don’t really come around at all.

19

I write this as someone who sat across the cube wall from someone who transitioned from male to female in a very large company.

He actually was someone that I had known by sight in school. When his area moved to our floor none of us, including one of my very good friends who was also friends with him, had any idea that he was transgender. The talk started because we could not figure out what was going on. He looked very “off” for a 6’4" guy. If we had known that he was starting the process leading up to surgery and was already undergoing hormone therapy it would have made things a lot easier. The hormone therapy was already affecting his facial hair and he was letting hi hair grow out. So when people talked about the freaky guy it had nothing to do with whether or not anyone disapproved of him being transgendered. If we had known ealrier it would have made things a lot smoother.

It is a small company but it seems like a lot of the issues are things that should be handled by management and/or HR. Of course if your issues are coming from the people in charge it leaves you in a spot.

Here, HR worked with him. When John started to live publicly as Jane, the switch at work was immediate. HR sent a memo. In essence, John was now Jane. Address her as such. She will come to work dressed as a woman. Until the surgery is complete there will be a restroom she will use in most circumstances but if needed she will use the women’s room. Act like a professional. And if you have any questions or problems take it up with HR, not Jane.

People adapted pretty quickly. Most people forgot it even happened within a year’s time or so.

However, there were some things that she could have handled better. It is still an office and most people find too much personal info to be in poor taste no matter what the subject. And this subject is a lot more touchy than most.

As I said, we were on the other side of a cubicle wall. One of my co-workers got to listen to a lot of phone calls where people would call and ask about the transition and my co-worker got to hear in gruesome detail, many times, exactly how the surgery would work. And then the conversations turned to how his marriage would work after. TMI is still TMI.

You aren’t asking too much. But recognize that this is a topic that people struggle with. No matter how easy you try to make it for your co-workers, some of them will still feel as if it is being “thrown in their face”. Hopefully management helps handle these people. Most people are going to be confused and not be able to relate. But they will also adapt and not be a problem. I don’t think you should go out of your way to correct them if they misspeak on your name. But if someone is making a point of calling you by your old name I think you can quietly make the point that they need to use your new name. Over time I would be surprised if hte fact that everyone else is using your correct name doesn’t make this a non-issue.

20

I’m pretty sure that the email did open the door for some conversations. I imagine that some will react positively as a result of your e-mail, and as a result others will come around too.

People grow. About five years ago I saw someone who was going through something similar to you. My reaction then isn’t one I’m proud of (though she didn’t see it), but I’ve matured some and would handle it differently now. Given time to grow, your coworkers will.

I think you’ve acknowledged the “gorilla in the room”, if you will. The biggest thing is to allow everyone to move on from it and quit seeing the gorilla. If someone stumbles over the issue, smile and continue your work. Eventually they will become more comfortable with it.