Long story short, my best friend is married with 2 kids in HS.
He was showing me a picture on his phone Saturday and a tinder message popped up on his phone that said something like “I don’t know why they would do that”. We both saw it but I didn’t say anything and scrolled it away.
Having the tinder app makes me think cheating. But to have notifications popping up makes no sense.
Should I say something like “hey man, I saw that notification on your phone and I’m here to talk or support in any way you need” or should I leave it be?
Best friend? Like, you’ve known them from childhood and gone through some stuff in life on both sides and relied on each other, and you’d phone him/her to help bury a body? Then yes, tactfully bring it up.
You didn’t see a Tinder notification on your friend’s phone. But if you did, you don’t know what Tinder is … it’s used to start a campfire, right? But it doesn’t matter, because you didn’t see a Tinder notification on your friend’s phone.
Tough call. And please keep in mind I’m just a dude on the internet, so take my input for all that you paid for it.
Is that level of tight friendship the same in both directions?
Once or twice in my own life, I’ve either been called on my own bullshit, or felt compelled to call a lifelong friend on his BS. In those cases, it only worked because we were both each other’s go-to person. If the friendship dynamic is asymmetrical, it’s got a strong chance of backfiring.
I’ve always lived a bit by “guilt by association” being a potential shitty thing. Meaning, if you hang around people who do shitty things the perception can stick to you also.
Just knowing that, I’d say something if the person meant something to me. Otherwise, I would literally pretty much use that as a clue to not hang around them at all.
I’d aim for the middle…be a friend but have plausible deniability too.
I’d say something like…hey best friend…I am not going to ask about that notification from a site that neither of should know about. But if you need or want to talk, I’m here. Other, I didn’t see anything.
**Aside. There was a recent affair in a social group where I belong. I had caught them twice in what was a compromising situation. One of those…that doesn’t look right. BUT…I didn’t see anything…just two married people probably shouldn’t be carrying on like that. And I generally mind my own business. After another month, I and others suspected an affair was going on. I could however toe the line, of I dunno, I haven’t seen anything. I didn’t carry a guilty conscience at all. Once it all came out, both of them thanked me for not spreading gossip. Awkward! I shared with them that I never saw a line crossed. And then I kept my mouth shut.
It is beyond bizarre that he would have notifications enabled on Tinder if he’s really cheating and hiding it from the spouse. That makes me think maybe its not what you think, but i can’t think of an alternative reality where its not. If you saw it, there is 100% chance that eventually his wife will. Maybe things are far worse between them than you know and they are basically already separated, but living in same house or something? Or maybe it was his wife and they are out there roleplaying hooking up with each other…
i think that’s the true role of a best friend. To help pick up the pieces when it all goes to sh*t. I don’t think you can prevent that from happening, even with the best intentions.
I feel like if I asked and then I knew about it, i’d be part of the deception in that now i have to keep my mouth shut, but also because now my friend might start looping me in on what he’s doing and i’d be part of the cover up and enabling him.
Yeah…I was on the wrong end of that in the not-too-distant past.
6ish years ago, lifelong friend was way out of line, wife was ready to leave him.
I reached out, told him it was time for a talk. Stonewalled me, wouldn’t engage.
Same thing happened about a year later. Big blowout, wife ready to leave, reached out, completely stonewalled.
Last week his wife (finally) left him, and I learned from her that after my second time reaching out to him, he told her that he “would no longer be investing in a friendship with me or [the other friend who had reached out].”
Keep in mind that there are explanations other than cheating. Like, an open marriage, or they are inviting others into their marital bed for play time.
