"I did not want to see the sun rise"- A sad story of a young cyclist lost

Triathlon Forum
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Greg is a friend of mine and a customer. His son’s name was Ryan. He was 17. Ryan was an excellent road cyclist and a specialist mountain bike downhill rider. He worked at a fine bike shopp up the street, Jack’s Cycle and Fitness here in Dearborn.

On Friday Ryan accidentally rode his motorcycle into the side of a passenger car at “over 100 m.p.h.” and was not able to survive.

Yesterday morning Greg, his father, my friend, stopped in the store when we opened.

I spent about 40 minutes speaking with Greg. He asked a lot of questions about losing somebody sice I am apparently an authority of some type on dealing with the loss of friends. I’ve lost a number of them to accidents.

What did I tell Greg about his son’s death? The two of them did road rides together, went on cycling trips together, they had an exceptional and rare father/son relationship- the kind you saw depicted on TV shows like “Leave it to Beaver” or “Mayberry R.F.D.”

I told Greg that losses like that never heal, but scar over. I told him nature abhores a void and that other things flow in, over time, to fill the terrible wound left open by this loss. I told him that right now is about surviving- making it to the next sunrise. He told me he didn’t want to see the sun come up the day after his son died- that he wanted it to remain night as though that would somehow prevent the reality from becoming… real.

I told him to live from day to day only and try to survive. I told him that gradually, over a long perod of time, hope for a new life slowly and often somewhat awkwardly does begin to return. I told him that new people fill your life and your heart and that sometimes one or two of them may actually begin to heal the awful wound left on a broken heart.

I told him that few people in the grand scheme of things ever have the opportunity to share a relationship with another person like that, and I reminded him that he has a fine daughter and wife and that those things are enormous accomplishments. I said he should use his family as a mattress to rest on while he tries to recover, and to remember that they will need that same mattress from him too.

When you try to speak to someone about their son being killed unexpectedly in an accident, or dying in Iraq, or on a bike ride, you try to speak honestly, gently and carefully from the heart. You try to be realistic but encouraging. You try to brace them for the long and difficult nights spent alone when the reality settles so heavily on you.

I wasn’t entirely sure what to say, but I did the best I could.

Ryan was a great kid and fine young man- very good bike rider. Fun guy. Greg is the same.

Obviously, my sympathy for Greg and his family, and I’m sorry to pass on the news of another young bike rider lost. Offer a quick prayer or wish for Greg during this tough time for him and his family.

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I wont comment as there is nothing I can offer…other than a bump.

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What a terrible tradegy. You are a wise and good friend. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this.

4

And think how the person in the passenger car feels. Presumably they were not driving 100 mph and were obeying traffic rules. Makes for some nightmares I’ll bet.

I’m not sure you can really say it was “accidental” when he was doing 100mph. Maybe “negligently”? Probably more appropriately “recklessly”.

Sorry to be crass, but we have so many stories of cyclists who are completely innocent and get run down from behind. This is just not the same type of “young bike rider lost.”

I’m sure I am the only jerk who thinks this though, so go on and flame me.

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No flames. I just figure there is a time and a place for the accident/negligent" argument and maybe this thread is not the right time.

John G

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Tom. I hope Greg comes out of this OK. As a father, it would be devastating to lose my son. As for the arguement about 100 mph…I think all of us who have been 17 have done something along those lines at some point in our lives, and many of us as middle age men, with families relying on us, still momentarily chose to live on the edge, descending hills at 50 mph with only 2 sq in of rubber between us and death.

It is a hard loss. For those who have gone through this, it is the promise that we will meet lost loved ones once we ourselves eventually die, that often helps the healing.

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You’re right johnt, and good of you to be empathetic about the additional persons involved in this accident.

Greg and I talked about the person driving the car- a female in her mid 20’s. She was treated at a local hospital for “trauma” but had no reported physical injuries at the time. She was released.

Accidents happen for a long list of reasons, and for no reason at all. Hence the name. Some are the cruel product of random happenstance, others a venomous off spin from a conspiracy of less than optimal judgement and lethal timing. That may be the greater likelihood with Ryan.

Was Ryan reckless? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Was Ryan a reckless person. No. I spoke with Ryan’s father Greg yesterday and his boss at Jack’s Bikes, Brian. We agreed in seperate conversations: Ryan was a good sportsmen not prone to taking unnecessary risks. He exercised consistently good judgement and as a result rarely had accidents. He was not a wanton or careless young man.

That begs a question: What happened? The facts are that he was travelling at high speed.

Well, I can tell you this. I have made parachute jumps without a reserve parachute to save weight and space or because it was too hot to have more equipment on and it is impossible to pee when you are wearing a reserve parachute during a long airplane ride. I went without body armor to save weight and be more comfortable and move faster when we were “officially” required to wear it.

Sometimes we take chances, often times without much thought. Most times we survive it. Sometimes people don’t.

That is a shame. And that is an understatement.

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That is very sad. Your words must have given him some comfort; thanks, on behalf of anyone, who never knows what to say at such a tragic time.

And yeah, I’m sure most of us are just plain lucky that the stupid risks we’ve taken in the past, have not resulted in our own tragic demise.

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You have a great insight into mourning. When death comes unexpectedly its nearly impossible to fathom the permanence. When I lost my father it was so surreal. I just kept thinking, “this is a bad dream, he’s just out fishing, he’ll be back any minute”. 14 years later there are still mornings I wake up after a dream about him and face to face the reality all over again. I was only 17 when he died unexpectedly. I remember our house being flooded with people, who although well meaning, said utterly riduculous things (“he’s in a better place now”, etc), I just wanted to be left alone with my mom and brothers and sisters. I’d be willing to bet that the conversation you had with your friend will stay with him and help to carry him through.

Although I have experinced great loss myself, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. No one should ever have to experience that. God bless your friend and his family…kj

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Greg kept telling me, “You know what it’s like…”

I told him, “Dude, I lost buddies… friends. I have never even had a family, let alone lost a family member.”

I can’t imagine what he is trying to come to grips with. It is unfathomable and life changing. After he left, I went in the bathroom and stood there for a few minutes trying to pull it back. It is absolutely heart breaking.

There are several reasons I put this up here though, some selfish, some not: To vent over this. It has been on my mind very heavily for the last day. To honor the memory of Ryan as a good guy and his father as a fine parent. To acknowledge his father, Greg’s loss and the incredible challenge he faces trying to come to grips with it. To remind everyone to be careful and of the dangers of driving, riding, cycling in close proximity to others- as if we weren’t aware enough of that already.

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I’m not trying to turn this into being about me. But, when I read things like this I think of my daughter. I can’t even fathom the pain and grief Greg must feel. I can’t even stand thinking about another person I don’t even know being in that much pain. The totality of loss he must feel. It would be crushing.

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you’re a good person Tom and Greg is lucky to have you in his life, especially now during this horrible tragedy. I know this sounds silly, but the thought of losing my dog kills me, I can’t even imagine the loss of a child. God bless Greg and his family!

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It is no small task to support a person grieving. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to tell my best friend her husband had been killed in an accident (2 days before Christmas, a week before their anniversary). I spent the next 2 weeks working from a laptop at her mom’s house and rarely left her side. It was so emotionally draining to try to hold her together all day, I’d go home at night and fall apart myself. Just by being there you are doing a great thing. I remember when my father died a lot of my friends didn’t know what to say so they avoided me (granted we were just kids), and that totally sucked. If you can possibly do so, I encourage you to stay near to your friend and help as needed. Its unbelievable what has to done when someone dies, all while the family is trying to come to grips with the situation…kj

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I called an associate of mine by accident one day at home two days after he had been killed. The news was not yet released. His wife answered the phone. When I heard her voice I suddenly thought, “Oh SHIT!!. What the fuck was I thinking…”

I had to play it straight. I was like, “Ahh… Is Maurice home?” She tells me, “Maurice is at work until the end of the month…”

I hung up the phone and sat there in shock for an hour at least. To her, he had not died yet.

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Your kind words meant alot to your friend. Hopefully he stays away from alcohol. Young people have no fear & don’t think of death from their actions.

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Sorry to hear of your friends loss, no one needs to go threw the pain/sorrow he is feeling… but the truth is " motorcycles and young men are a very risky mix"…i know as i owned them for many years and road raced them as a pro for many years as well…many prayers to another fine person taken by the speed gods!!!

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Tom, thanks for posting this. After coaching my son’s soccer game this evening, I went back up to his room after he went to bed to give him an extra hug. Thanks for reminding us what is important !

Dev

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You’re welcome. Thanks for reading and acknowledging what I wrote. A little bit of good has already started seeping back in…

This is how hope starts again. Thanks.

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he is so lucky to have you as a friend … some of the things you said really hit home for me and i think they hold true for so many situations in life whether it is the loss of a friend, a family member or even just the lost of a relationship.

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If I drove to work every day on bike that could exceed 100 MPH, I’d probably wind it up once in a while as well. That’s why I don’t own a motorcycle— I’m 37 and still not mature enough for one.

I hope that one or two people who read this will either not let their children buy motorcycles or not buy one themselves. They are a lot of fun but are too dangerous for anyone under 25 and a bad idea for anyone. So many things can go wrong on the road and no amount or kevlar or leather will protect you in a real accident.

If you’re under 25, trust me, you don’t have the experience and maturity to hop on a motorcycle. It’s not worth living out the remaining 60 years of your life with a physical or mental impairment due to a bike crash. Keeping a motorcycle out of your own hands is kind of like not buying fruit loops at the grocery store— Keep the source of the risk away from your day to day life.

I witnessed a fatal motorcycle accident my freshman year of college which cured me of wanting one. I’m sorry Ryan’s family and friends had to experience this. Hopefully some good can come out of it.

-Marc