Found this to be fairly obvious, but also kind of interesting. My step-father was a counselor so I come by that nature naturally, so I’ve talked to a lot of friends (and even co-workers, bleh) about stuff like this. I have also dated a few girls who were viciously effective in winning discussions (fights). I mean, they were so many lightyears ahead of me in what tricks they were pulling I rarely knew what was going on till afterwards. There I was, being stupid, trying to actually listen etc.
My best friend is also exceptionally good at staying calm in any fight or negotiation. Watching him when someone else is pissed at him is hilarious, he just is so calm and it makes them soooooo angry.
http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=825648
- Stay Off the Escalator
The first sign of destructive fighting is what Markman and Stanley call escalation. The idea is simple: Even though you and your wife may start out arguing about something small, inevitably tempers flare, voices get louder, and that “little thing” disappears in an exchange of big threats.
To avoid such encounters, Markman and Stanley suggest a technique called “active listening,” in which partners take turns talking and paraphrasing what the other is telling them (“What I hear you saying is . . .”). Yes, you’ll feel dorky and self-conscious when you do this, but in a way that’s the point. Active listening slows you down, makes you listen to what the other person is really saying, and stops you from blasting away with both barrels.
Okay, so what if you’re willing to stay on fighting’s first floor, but your wife is the one constantly hopping on the escalator? Don’t tell her to calm down. That just makes you come off as patronizing, which fuels her anger. Instead, you make the effort to calm down. Keep your expression serious and say something like, “How about if I just listen to you for a few minutes, and you can tell me what you’re thinking.”
- Be Her Mirror
Another sign that you’re fighting ugly is invalidation. This occurs when you move beyond arguing about issues and start committing character assassination and name-calling. You know, the really fun stuff.
Lay off these tricks yourself. And if your wife slings one of those personal assaults your way, call her bluff. She’s saying horrible things, but she doesn’t really mean any of it. (If she did, she’d be gone by now.) Stanley suggests a very successful tactic that works in just about any contentious situation. “When someone’s on the attack, paraphrase them. Gently reflect what she’s saying so she can hear it.” You could say, “Let me get this right. You think I’ve never really cared about you at all?”
Just be sure to sound sincere, not sarcastic. If you can do this, it’s like holding up a mirror, which is gentler, and far more effective than saying, “Look in the mirror, bitch.”
- Don’t Dis Her Memory
Often, in the heat of an argument, the first thing that each partner will try to invalidate is the other’s memory. If it turns into a who-remembers-it-better shouting match and she says, “Oh, no, you said blah-blah,” don’t respond in kind. You’ll only imply that her memory is more defective than yours (which it may be, but . . . ). Instead, say this: “I’m not sure what I said. What I meant was. . . .”
The point: It doesn’t really matter who remembers it better. “Bring it into the present,” says Markman. “And stop arguing about what was said or not said.”
4. Don’t Let Her Read Your Mind
If she claims you were secretly hoping her mother wouldn’t stay all weekend, you could say, flat out, “Don’t read my mind.” But that’s risky. “You’re labeling her behavior, and that could be dynamite,” says Stanley. Instead, try this: “That’s not what I was thinking. Can I please just tell you what I was thinking?”
You? Thinking? The shock might be so great that your wife will drop her fighting gloves immediately.
5. Don’t Put a Sock in It
Markman and Stanley’s third fighting danger sign, withdrawal, involves a clear and documented difference between the genders. Women value any interaction in a relationship, even if it’s negative. Men tend to value instrumental, problem-solving interactions, and we shut down when the volume goes up. Our physical response to the stress of yet another argument is the classic fight-or-flight reaction, and most men take flight. Especially if she’s the verbally skilled one in the marriage—and most women have been a step ahead of us verbally since preschool.
All this leads to a lethal dynamic: She brings up a problem; you don’t want to talk about it. She gets angry; you fear more conflict and close up tighter. She interprets that to mean you’re detaching from the marriage. For the past 25 years, this scenario has been noted by marriage experts for its reliability in predicting marital instability and divorce.
