We have an undisputed history of sexism regarding the role of women, work, and sacrifices in our society that colors peoples’ views here, and the OP made an assumption about the woman in his story. Others picked up on his assumption and ran with it. The OP’s assumption is based upon sexism and not knowing the relevant facts. Sphere and I pointed out the sexism and offered scenarios to illustrate how far from accurate the OP’s assumption might be.
Bottom line: People don’t want to inadvertently say something rude to a woman who has dealt with a load of crap from an ex. So, it’s good to remember to use caution, particularly when your assumptions fall along old sexist tropes and double standards.
Apparently, you never know what people will run with. I never thought the title would actually be taken as some sort of belief that the woman was literally scorned.
I just thought it was funny that given a potential chance to save her ex some money, she said naw, he can pay.
There seems to be a bit of personal bias and conclusion jumping going on here.
Your personal experiences seemingly lead you to the automatic conclusion that the mystery ex in this story is the asshole. I read nothing that suggests this is indeed the case. There are two parties in this story so it’s equally possible the woman in this story could have been the problem. In the era of equality the unknown man should be given the benefit of doubt.
Likewise others suggesting the ex should take the job for his own benefit. The ex feasibly has no idea about the benefit. The ex was not telling the wife to do it and there’s nothing to suggest the ex would have kept that benefit for themselves.
People laugh at all kinds of things that are painful for others. I dare say everyone in this thread has done it at some point.
The ex-husband is under no obligation to pay for college, anyway.
Most child support orders disappear at the age of 18.
I had full custody of my children.
But, I am also proud of the fact that I “put my kids through college.”
Changing careers to “save money on college” is a rather extreme choice.
Young adults are not likely to do anything useful with that much money.
I really do want to believe that ex-wives are vindictive.
I really do want to hear a story about some guy who was made to suffer.
But I feel that this story doesn’t hold up.
I have no idea how this got inserted into the story. As far as I’m aware it had nothing to do with anything, especially since the person apparently has no desire to take advantage of it.
If you read all of my posts in this thread I think you’ll find that isn’t true. I’ve checked my bias on more than one occasion.
Obviously details are needed to make any kind of rational and fair assessment and we don’t have those. The issues I spoke to specifically were independent of those details but the larger issue of culturally accepted bias. And I was clear about that it can happen in both directions (“dead beat dad” would be a useful example, for one).
Something is being lost here. She was interested in the job already, mentions her kid goes to the university, I say, oh you know you get tuition for free if you work here, she says something along the lines of that it doesn’t really matter, exhusband pays it…
It was just part of a conversation. I threw out a perk thinking it might be enticing but in her case it wouldn’t matter. I don’t know how this has got misconstrued as she would be changing jobs to save her ex money. Especially since it turns out, it wouldn’t. Nor of course did I know that when I mentioned it.
I assume that their ex-husbands well being is not a high priority.
But vindictive?
What purpose does a belief 'in the vindictive nature of ex-wives" actually serve?
In my case…
After my divorce - I believed that both my ex-wife and the court system were “out to get me.”
(This belief was reinforced by my mother and my brother. Both lawyers!)
In reality, the court system was perfectly reasonable. My ex-wife was self - destructive, but not malignant.
I wound with full custody of my kids.
Acknowledging the risk of re-inserting myself into this conversation (“just when I thought I got out…they pulled me back in…”)
My narrow point was building off RandMart’s comment: this doesn’t have to be about saving the ex money.
If (and it’s a big if) the exes are on civil, cooperative terms, it can be about allocating money in a way that is ultimately to the benefit of the kid. Money that would otherwise be allocated to tuition, could be set aside for the kid for later. Or maybe it frees up money for something else for the benefit of the kid.
This thread seems to be focused on acrimony between the exes, and what one ex or the other is obligated to do or can compel the other to do. Perhaps that’s an inherent feature of divorce. But it’s a dynamic that doesn’t have to dominate forever more.
And to try to be clear - I respect the emotional & logistical gymnastics it sounds like you and your wife are going through with her ex, for the benefit of your kids. From this thread and others over the years, it sounds like you and your wife have sucked up a lot, and I respect that.
I think we have some early morning overthinking going on in this thread.
It’s just a mildly amusing story about a divorcee who’s happy to stick it to her ex a bit. It’s the basis of about a third of all sitcoms and stand-up comedy routines.
I mean, these threads are essentially the kitchen door in Jack Tripper’s apartment. That doesn’t mean we should walk by a perfectly good soapbox without hopping on up every single time.
I’ve lived on both sides of the divorce spectrum: my wife’s situation, which needs no further explanation, and my own in which we treated each other respectfully through our differences and disagreements and settled without lawyers or a court date. So I try, and I think I do, approach these issues with a healthy perspective and minimal bias.
That said, my wife’s situation has opened my eyes to things regarding bias and sexism that I was aware of conceptually but not exposed to practically. Even more so moving into a conservative southern area where expectations of women seem wildly different and are typically reinforced by other women.
