This just came accross the e-mail -not sure if you all have seen this:
Talk the Talk
I made a huge tactical error on last Monday’s group ride. I’m not
talking about missing the break, getting boxed in during the sprint
or blowing my nose on the beefy guy known as Steroid Sid.No, my big mistake was believing my buddy when he called that
morning
and said, “We’re going to take it easy today.”“Perfect,” I replied. “I rode long yesterday and I’m beat.”
We warmed up for 300 yards. Suddenly everybody was in the big ring
and out for blood. My cyclecomputer hit 20 mph, then 25 mph, then
went straight to 911.I should know better. Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and
secret
trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill.Don’t let this happen to you. Study my handy roadie phrasebook to
find out what they really mean when they say:“I’m out of shape”
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven’t missed a day since
the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than
you wash your shorts. My bodyfat percentage is lower than your
mortgage rate.“I’m not into competition”
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter,
babbling
and whimpering as if you’ve been watching Celebrity Poker. I will
win
the town-line sprint if I have to hook you into an oncoming
traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your
seatpost, spray energy drink in your eyes and ask you how to program
my DVD player.“I’m on my beater bike”
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium
blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared.
It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce.“It’s not that hilly”
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign.
Be
careful on the steep sections or you’ll fall over – backward. You
have a
39x23 low gear? Here’s the name of my knee surgeon.“You’re doing great, honey”
Translation: Yo, lard-o, I’d like to get home before midnight. This
is what
you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling
Sausages.
I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.“This is a no-drop ride”
Translation: I’ll need an article of your clothing. It’s for the
search-and-rescue dogs.“It’s not that far”
Translation: Yes, it is.