I’m in the process of compiling a book of funny triathlon stories (loosely called Triathlon Tales) and was wondering if you guys could help me out. It would be great to get some International stories. So, if you have any funny one-liners or short stories (you know the kind of thing, I was coming out of transition and…!), please post them on here or email them to me direct at: triathlontales@yahoo.co.uk and I’ll credit you if, and when, the book is published (and send you a free copy perhaps!).
Keep in mind, this story takes place before I knew what a “femur” was.
So I was at a race and afterword a woman in her mid thirties comes up to me and starts talking. I’m young (22 at the time) and she was pretty good looking. We chatted for a while, and then she asked how tall I was. “6’7” I replied. She then lowered her voice, looked me straight in the eyes, and seductively says,
“You must have the biggest femurs ever.”
Since I didn’t know what a femur was, and from her delivery, I thought this was some wierd pick up line. I blushed and said “thanks,” and then quickly drove home, grabbed a dictionary, and looked up femur.
My wife was cheering me on at a race…sitting with the kids…not really paying attention…throwing out the obligatory words of encouragement:
“great job”
“you’re almost there”
“looking good”
When she trows out this one:
“you’re on your last leg”! She saw a mortified look on my seven year old’s face and said, “what???” He pointed to the guy running right in front of them…the guy with the artificial leg.
The guy with the artificial leg didn’t seem fazed at all but the group of runners behind him gave her a stange look.
While I may not be able to top the “on the last leg” story (which is funny as hell!)…
Gulf Coast Triathlon May, 2000. Set up my transition area and everything looked as if it was going to be a great day. Got down to the water and had a great early portion of the swim. Then, I started to think about my transition and the order of things to be worn and taken with me… helmet on, Sunglasses on, Gel flask, Shoes… um, Shoes!!! Oh shit! I forgot my cycling shoes at the condo! got out of the water in a panic and ran to T1 thinking that I must be mistaken. Sure as shit, my shoes were no where to be found. I was running around like an idiot asking people “anyone have an extra size 48 cycling shoe?” I even went up to a lady sitting next to a trailer with “SIDI” plastered on the side but when I asked her about extra shoes she wanted $125 cash! Well, I decided the only way to get going with the bike portion of the race was to go get my shoes at the condo. So, i took my timing chip off, put my running shoes on, hopped the fence, raced 1/4 mile to the condo and walked into the front office. I yelled, "I’m in the race, I need a key to room 900(something) and I need it now!? They abliged and I got into the elevator with people in it and was breathing extra heavy due to my mad sprint. I did not explain! So, I walk into my room, lift up the comforter at the foot of the bed and there they were! I grabbed them, went downstairs, handed the office clerk the key and sprinted back to T1. I hopped the fence, changed shoes, slapped my timing chip on and off I went… 18minute transition… not too shabby if you add it all up!
Here’s one. I decided to do DeSoto TTT with minimal training and figured it could not be THAT bad!! My legs still hurt. I guess 6’3" and 220 pounds is not quite built for that course!!
This is only a pseudo triathlon story since it happened on the way to a race.
The wife and I (yes another of my wife’s gems) were diving to a race the afternoon before the actual race. A terrible rain started to fall…one of those that comes out of nowhere and you can’t see anything…we slowed down and it passed in about five minutes. Just as it was becoming driveable again this SUV with about four new bikes on the bike rack passed us at about 70 mph. They overshot their exit ramp but still tried to make it…the rain soaked roads made them start doing doughnuts on the road, then down the island between the road and the exit. I don’t know how they didn’t flip but they didn’t, they did about eight donoughts before stopping. The new bikes were ripped from the rack and strewn all over the road basically ruined.
We pulled over and the driver was out of the car with this dazed, “we almost died” look on his face. We asked if they were alright and he looked around, stunned and finally said they were ok. Then my wife leans out the window and said, “WE HAVE THE SAME BIKE RACK!!!” and then we pulled back onto the road. The look on his face was priceless…I think he thought he maybe had a concussion because surely no one would bring up something soooo trivial after a brush with death like they just had.
About a mile down the road I started cracking up. My wife was like…what’s so funny? Then she gave me a look and said, “it was the bike rack comment wasn’t it?”
Finished a tri and was wondering why a few of my friends were laughing so hard when I crossed the finish line. I raced the whole thing with my speedo turned inside out.
My first ever tri - Didnt know much about tri but decided to a local area sprint. I was told that most people wear wet suits. I showed up with my 7mm scuba suit.
Here’s another. I’m motoring along on the bike leg and all of a sudden I’m passed by a bunch of riders, obviously drafting. I yell at these guys “hey, you’re not supposed to draft”. Then I realize these folks aren’t in the race. They’re a bunch of roadies on a club ride that happened to be on the course at the wrong time.
A few others that happened to other people:.
A guy showed to race on Sunday. The race was the day before on Saturday.
The college kid whose buddies played a joke by filling his water bottle with beer.
As a 23 year old woman, I was thrilled to be doing the fourth triathlon of my first season. I had bought a new road bike and fitted it with clipon aerobars. I had learned about transitions and added elastic laces to my running sneakers. I had replaced the shortie surfing wetsuit I had used in my first tri with a real triathlon wetsuit. I was racing in an adorable new red, white and blue DeSoto two piece trikini and was thrilled with all my new gear, REAL “Tri” stuff.
The swim went great, I went through my fastest T1 to date, and was running my bike to the mount line when as I ran by I heard one male spectator say to another, “They let people do this in their underwear?” I replayed that MORTIFYING comment over and over in my head through the rest of the race. I didn’t wear that outfit to race again…
While driving up Richter in IMC '03, my wife and some friends were cheering the athletes on, while trying to find us during the race. A guy on the bike yells back…“Lift up your shirts ladies!!!”
My wife yelled back “If you can think of things like that, you’re not working hard enough! Pedal!!”
Last year at our state championship tri I was getting ready to dive in the water to begin (this is a staggered start swim).
Well, my tri shorts had been getting a little loose since I have lost a good deal of weight. Anyway, I dive in the water and
off my sugois went, thank goodness they only went down to my knees.
While officiating at an AARP tri a few years ago, I was working in the transition area. A guy comes in on his bike and as he dismounts he says, “I need medical attention.” He says he’s dizzy and has a headache. He can barely walk and one of the volunteers and I are supporting him and guiding his staggering frame to the medics. He’s still wearing his helmet and we suggest that he might want to remove it. I was dumbfounded when I saw what happened next. The guy still had on his swim cap. He reached up and pulled it off. Immediately he said, “whoa, that fells a lot better.” After a shaking his head a few times, he decided to put on his running shoes and finish the run.
A friend of mine told me one about a guy at River Cities (2003? 2004?) who flatted on the bike and had forgotten a spare tube. Somebody eventually tossed him a spare, and he finished the race. When he got back to T2, he took off his front wheel and ran the entire 5K holding his front wheel as a reminder that he should always carry a spare tube.
Many moons ago I did an early season race, in fact it was one of those timed pool swims followed by a duathlon races, local waters totally out of the question that time of year. Well it was a pretty chilly day in Jersey and coming off the bike my hands were like blocks of ice and I couldn’t get my helmet chin strap undone, so I end up running the first hundred meters or so cursing up a storm trying to get my damn helmet off. Finally I just yanked the strap up over my chin. At our clubs christmas party they handed out goofy awards and they gave me an old running trophy and put a little helmet on the guy.
