The psychology of competition (overt and covert) is very well documented. However, mind games among “friends” can be the most insidous and pervasive.
Do you sacrifice your own performance/training goals in order to keep friends and training partners, particularly those with thin skins?
Secondly, have you been “suckered” into showing kindness and compassion only to be beaten in the end?
Thus, no matter the circumstance, should we “give no gifts?” - even when it costs friendships and training partners?
I don’t think there’s one answer to this. A life lived on the “give no gifts” principle could be pretty lonely. But one lived entirely that way could be pretty unfulfilling. So you find a balance.
Friendship is a lot more important than racing, but if your friends are not man enough–pardon the expression–to take a defeat on the nose and congratulate you, then they need to grow up. TriBriGuy and I have a longstanding joke/competition going since I have never beat him in a real race (the only exception being the first day we met on a cold day in January where I outran him on a PFT). One time it was by less than ten seconds. I’m sure over the years there are times when I’ve been more fit, and I’ve certainly placed higher at races like Duathlon nationals, but head to head, I’m an 0-fer. And we laugh about it whenever it comes up. One day I’m sure I’ll beat him and then we’ll laugh about that, too.
Chad
I think it’s a false choice. My friends and I will try to tear each others legs off then have a beer afterwards. It’s been that way since HS XC (except for the beer part, Dad).
Imagine how great your life will be when you are older and can look back on all your medals. Who cares if you have no one to share your glory while you sit in your room surrounded by the proof of how great you were.
You always want to beat your friends, even more than the random unknown competitor you might otherwise be racing against.
It is way more satisfying to compete against those you know, and have a history with, than some stranger.
And regardless of the outcome, you congratulate each other on the effort (or berate them if they didn’t give a good effort and then have some beers.
PS - Thin skins don’t get toughened up by coddling.
I can only answer from my perspective. When I was both a runner and a triathlete, when I was both in my development and when I was at my best in running and triathlon I had the good fortune to train with people who were much better than I was. In hind-site I probably over-did it in many workouts just to keep up and stay in there, which probably led to some less than best race efforts. However, at the same time, I know that there is no way that I would have been as good as I was without the pull-along or push-along affect of training with those athletes. I also know that from time to time, I did get “Thanks” from those folks, for a great workout or a push in a race( typically that I would have lost!!) - they knew that the group dynamic and the push-pull affect was important for them to. In turn, I would thank them, because I knew that I could have never reached the levels that I did reach without them. To this day, many of those people are good friends, so I guess it all works out in the end.
“Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in this world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.”
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Like others said if they cannot handle it then they are the ones that need to grow up. Would it be better if you "LET: them win. I think not. One guy I ride with and talked into getting a better bike beats me all the time. He’s just a natural freak athlete. What are you going to do.Just makes me try all that much harder when up against him and brings my level of play a bit higher to which I am thankful.
I’ve always had rivalry’s with the training groups I’ve been in. Every race we wanted to beat everyone else, be the king of the hill so to speak. but that never stopped us from having the rule that the winner buys the first round, from ripping each other apart then making dinner later that evening for everyone. Never stopped us from talking shit but not too much. Mr. Bubble and I were texting shit back & forth about Vineman just yesterday.
When done in good humor and jest, it’s part of the bonding experience. When done to be a dick, you’ll find yourself ousted from your group pretty fast.
I have a fun rivarly with Dev, KingML, who btw is 0-1 against me and too scared to come out to Tucson for Duiathlon nationals next year ;-), cdw and several others on this board. We talk smack, meet up at races, hang out and it’s all good.
EDIT: Now that I think about it, 3 of my best friends all developed from within these groups over 20 years ago.
I think friends is the operative word in your question. After many many years of training, racing, a couple moves, and some periods of not so much racing, I conclude I can count my friends on one hand. I have tons of “training friends” that at some point felt like brothers, but a change in location or training plans and poof, they are gone.
I don’t ever think I ever “gifted” anyone a race, nor do I think anyone ever gifted me one. Thirty years ago i did not let much of anything get in the way of my training, but now a cloud in the sky can change my plans. I think I figured out after a thousand races or so that I like training more than racing. I guess if I set my goals low enough I am never disappointed.
But take care of your friends, because even when you aren’t in each others world for a while their friendship will always be there. I have always been amazed when I move who remains a friend. Some people that you didn’t seem all that close to hang tough years later and others who you thought were “lifetime” friends just fade away.
I’ve always had rivalry’s with the training groups I’ve been in. Every race we wanted to beat everyone else, be the king of the hill so to speak. but that never stopped us from having the rule that the winner buys the first round, from ripping each other apart then making dinner later that evening for everyone. Never stopped us from talking shit but not too much. Mr. Bubble and I were texting shit back & forth about Vineman just yesterday.
When done in good humor and jest, it’s part of the bonding experience. When done to be a dick, you’ll find yourself ousted from your group pretty fast.
I have a fun rivarly with Dev, KingML, who btw is 0-1 against me and too scared to come out to Tucson for Duiathlon nationals next year ;-), cdw and several others on this board. We talk smack, meet up at races, hang out and it’s all good.
EDIT: Now that I think about it, 3 of my best friends all developed from within these groups over 20 years ago.
I think Brian hit it on the nail right there. By the way brian I think Dev said you did not finish Wildflower because of a flat ? Wouldnt that make it 1-1.
All of the races I do I am mostly doing against my friends- by choice. We care more about how we did vs. each other than the rest of the participants. That said, we all race and train around the same level so it just comes down to who has a good day or not. The good-natured ribbing and smacktalk beforehand is par for the course. However I am much more cautious when “new” friends come or try it out. I don’t coddle anyone, nor expect to be coddled, but you have to know your friends pretty well before the competition starts.
I’ve never heard of friendships ending over training or racing results. I suppose being ultra competitive would make people steer clear, but the vast majority of competition is all in good fun, I’d imagine. We’re all just competing for participant medals in the end anyway.
Yes it would. I’m almost proud to say I’m now 1-1 with 1 DNS vs Dev out of the 3 races we’ve been to together. Ironically my DNS and my loss were both at WF. Get him on his home turf & I own him!
And regardless of the outcome, you congratulate each other on the effort (or berate them if they didn’t give a good effort and then have some beers.
PS - Thin skins don’t get toughened up by coddling.
Yes, the dynamics AFTER the race often reveal true sportsmanship…or, lack of it.
It’s the SORE LOSER that makes comraderie practically impossible. Especially troubling is when said “friend” has to be dealt with in the future.
Sore Loser - someone who loses in a fair competition but whines about it on a constant basis, blaming everyone (and everything - gear) around them for their loss except themselves.
**
and then have some beers.