I love my mother. But, like most people, she has flaws. One of these is a phobia of “being fat” that has morphed into a hatred. She’s only five feet tall, but gained a tremendous amount of weight carrying me, my two sisters and my brother. Years ago, she went on the very sensible “eat less” diet, lost the weight, and has never gained it back.
I have always been thin. When I was 10, I weighed 50 pounds. When I was eighteen, I almost didn’t go to UT Austin because I knew it was warm there and I would have to wear shorts, which would expose my knobby knees. Aging has slowed the metabolism to the point where I do have to watch what I eat, but compared to most, I don’t have to be very careful and I lose weight easily.
My brother was born fat. He was a chubby baby and a fat kid. Though his physical state was an accident of genetics, my mother reacted as if it was some sort of behaviorial flaw. My mother forced my brother into dieting from a very young age. When he was a teenager, she would measure his waist on Friday nights. If he gained any inches, he wouldn’t be allowed to go out. As you might expect, he suffered from serious self-esteem issues.
Whenever I hear people say they hate fat people or can’t tolerate fat people, it reminds me of my brother and my mother’s cruelty. Be careful how you judge; being fat may or may not be a choice, but it certainly isn’t some kind of moral issue and it certainly isn’t grounds for derision.
My mother forced my brother into dieting from a very young age. When he was a teenager, she would measure his waist on Friday nights. If he gained any inches, he wouldn’t be allowed to go out. As you might expect, he suffered from serious self-esteem issues.
I, too tend to think badly of obese people - hell, I used to be one and I thought badly of myself. I’m 6’1" and at my maximum density, I was pushing 250#, very little of it muscle. I was heavy from the get-go, and remained that way most of the way through grad school, increasing in size after I discovered the joys of ‘free’ dining hall food and beer in college. Fortunately, I met someone who saw something in me that I didn’t, and inspired me to get my fat ass in shape - not by pressuring, but showing me by example. I dropped a bunch of weight and I’ll never go back. I don’t know if I can ever thank her enough for leading me to a better life. I know what it’s like to wear a ‘shirt’, even if you’re on the ‘skins’ team, to spend most of the day sweating your ass off when it’s only 70 degrees, and to be gassed just from climbing a flight of stairs. I think part of the reason I feel the way I do is just frustration for them - that they’d willingly go through life feeling that way - uncomfortable and embarassed most of the time - when they could feel so much better, and better about themselves. All it takes is a committment to do better for yourself - eat better, get some exercise. When I see somebody morbidly obese, I do feel bad for them, but how can you have repsect for someone who obviously doesn’t respect themself? They’ve given up, so why shouldn’t I? I think the saddest thing is to see an obese couple out with a couple of kids who are well on their way to being obese, just like mom and dad. It pisses me off that the parents can’t find it in themselves to help their kids have a better life. I can’t stand irresponsibility and apathy.
“Whenever I hear people say they hate fat people or can’t tolerate fat people, it reminds me of my brother and my mother’s cruelty. Be careful how you judge; being fat may or may not be a choice, but it certainly isn’t some kind of moral issue and it certainly isn’t grounds for derision”
I’m a fairly tolerant person most of the time, and I can certainly see your point and sympathize with your brother. However, there are certainly arguments to be made that obesity is bad for health and morality reasons, and that people who are overweight should feel a need to correct that situation just like any other flaw. I understand that not every fat person is fat because of choice or laziness, but a large portion are. Not only are they putting themselves in an unhealthy position, but they are contributing to rising health costs and are passing along bad habits to their children. From a morality point of view, I think a decent argument could be made that it is your moral obligation to take care of the body you were given by God or whatever higher power you believe in. I’m nor sure derision is ever the right choice, but I wouldn’t say that they deserve a free pass to just “be happy with who they are.”
I don’t hate fat people. I feel sorry when I read about children, even toddlers, that are obese and whose parents feed them too much lousy food and let them sit in front of the TV instead of encouraging them to run around outside. Some of it is being stuck living where it is not that safe for kids to just run around, which is really all the exercise they need. Another part of this is usually that the parents don’t know any better themselves.
I also wonder about adults that are extremely obese. Being a little overweight is understandable. But, two guys in my office that are at least 75 pounds overweight. They might be genetically predisposed to be heavy, but they are also working on keeping themselves that heavy. One’s office is virtually a candy store. Neither has done any exercise in years if not decades. Neither probably can at this point. To some extent, I feel sorry for them and their families as well.
This is a very honest post. I think family dynamics are at the root of things more than we know. Especially weight issues.
I witnessed something along those lines between my grandmother and my mom. Grandma always has a side comment about food and weight. She looks at a tiny piece of pie or two crackers and says things like, “good grief, who could ever eat that much food?!” She has always commented on her grandchildren’s weight. When I was 12, she planned a “fat farm” vacation for my mom, aunt, and sister. My mom is not overweight, although she does have broad shoulders like me, which I suppose is unfeminine. My aunt is overweight, and my sister fluctuates weight. Luckily the “vacation” fell through, but I’ve never forgotten the comments she made about wanting to send my mom to a “fat farm.” My mom is a very fit cancer survivor, who teaches exercise science!
I can see how growing up with a mother like that affected her, and in turn affected my sister and me. Until a few years ago, my mom would not eat lunch. Not b/c she was trying to lose weight, but because she felt so guilty about just eating lunch. Grandma doesn’t eat lunch either. Maybe a few crackers. And “she just can’t understand how people eat that much!” When I am around my grandmother, I get antsy about food. If I pick at lunch, she comments on how I am just too thin and really should eat. Sometimes I have to say, Mom, stop!, when she starts justifying eating a certain food. My mom is not fat. But she has an image of herself that is overweight. She is shopping ofr a dress to wear to my sister’s wedding, and grandma’s advice is to find something that “covers up all the rolls.” My grandmother’s mother bragged about being the thinnest person she knew. Even when she was in a nursing home.
I spent a lot of time with my grandma growing up, and food was the most stressful thing, yet it was the absolute focus of the day. My aunt has some major issues with food and weight. My mom is struggling through hers and doing well. At some point in college, I stepped back and noticed all this, and have made a conscious effort to have a healthy attitude toward food. I think it has helped my mom too. I don’t want that to get passed down through the generations and it is stopping with me.
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. It is hard to write about.
My oldest stepdaughter is ten years old, and is about 15 pounds overweight. The reason is that her dad feeds her so poorly, basically fast food 2 of the 3 meals a day when she is with him. She already has food and body issues. She calls herself “fat” all the time. I do my best to tell her that she is not fat, etc. But, I do tell her that we all should strive to be healthy, and that eating well is part of being healthy. Is this the best way to approach this? I don’t want to contribute to the problem.
I would like to be able to say that people who look at obesity as a moral issue are confusing it with the sin of gluttony, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think they just hate fat people, and/or look at that particular situation with a horrifyingly collectivist mindset- “hey, you fat bastard, you’re not healthy enough for my liking, and you’re costing the system money! That’s my money, so stop stuffing your face, you fat, stupid slob!”
Now, I think obesity *can *be the result of immoral behavior, but I don’t think it’s always so, and even in cases in which it is, it isn’t immoral behavior that really affects society in general. At least not to the extent that most immoral behavior does, and certainly not to the extent that these fat-haters claim. Of all the truly destructive behaviors rampant today, obesity is one of the few that people feel comfortable condemning, and the one which people will make the fewest excuses for. If you’re fat, you’re a burden on society, and people don’t think they have to find any compassion for you. If you’re not grown up enough to stick around and raise your kids, you’re a victim of circumstance making a strictly personal choice. (just an example.) I find it strange.
I might consider obesity to be a moral issue if you are so heavy that you were creating an enormous risk to your health, which would take you away from a family that was depending upon you, and you were not even trying to lose weight or otherwise be healthy (as opposed to trying and failing, which is simply being human). But, even there, my reaction would probably still be sadness or pity, not hatred.
“Now, I think obesity can be the result of immoral behavior, but I don’t think it’s always so, and even in cases in which it is, it isn’t immoral behavior that really affects society in general”
Really? I’ll go ahead and make the argument that you should look at the rising rates of obesity and childhood obesity in particular, leading to diabetic kids, among other things. We are one of the few nations where we have as large a problem with over-nutrition as with lack of nutrition. Society in general is certainly being affected.
Sure it is. You left off this sentence of mine: At least not to the extent that most immoral behavior does, and certainly not to the extent that these fat-haters claim.
Of course the rising levels of obesity affects society. Newsflash: Humans are social animals. *Everything *we do affects society in one way or another. What I’m saying is that obesity has a lesser impact than many other things that people have no problem accepting as personal choices. Fat people are among the few groups it’s OK to judge and condemn as morally wrong, and really, their obesity has more impact on them as an individual than on society at large. If anything is a strictly personal choice, whether it’s moral or not, what one eats is.
Thanks for your post; I lived it and am still living it, so of course it makes sense. I took some time writing the original post and was depressed for a day afterwards. As is usually the case, Vitus sums up my thoughts on the morality issue. While it is certainly possible in some cases that obesity is the result of immoral behavior, that is not always the case. And, automatically linking weight issues some sort of character flaw can be extremely and unnecessarily hurtful.
“You left off this sentence of mine: At least not to the extent that most immoral behavior does, and certainly not to the extent that these fat-haters claim”
I left it off, but I didn’t miss it. I disagree with it. I think more people are adversely affected by obesity than by murder or by pornography or by stealing. I don’t have any numbers, but I’d bet that there are more fat people than there are convicted murderers. Probably more fat people than people being exploited for sex in this country. Probably more fat people than thiefs. And they pass along unhealthy habits to their children and contribute to the general decline of our societies eating habits which lead to supersized everything and deep fried everything.
Obviously, not every fat person is evil or consciously making any kind of moral choice to do evil when they eat poorly. However, gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins for a reason. My point was just that I don’t think it’s a good idea to dismiss the moral issues.
Your mother and mine must be related. My mother never gave us any kind of milk but skim, made one chicken stretch for dinner for six, never allowed snacks between meals, and would whip us with whatever she could get her hands on if she caught us snitching food. When I graduated high school I was 6’ 1" and weighed less than 130 lbs. My views towards fat people were molded to a large degree by my upbringing. Being in the Marines for 6 years didn’t change my views any either. Anyone in the Marines who was overweight was a “fatbody,” singled out for added abuse by the DI, put on weight control diets, and given extra PT.
I was teased mercilessly as a child about my skinnyness, sometimes by fat kids (even though fat kids were pretty rare back in the day). This reinforced my dislike for fat people. It now irritates me (well, it just flat pisses me off, to be blunt) when people tell me how “lucky” I am that I “can eat whatever I want,” even though I can’t, and “never have to diet”, even though as a diabetic I have been “on a diet” for the last 26 years, and even though I work out 10 hours a week.
If I had a choice of hiring two people, and one was obese, I would probably take the skinnier one even if he/she were less qualified. I do view fat people as lazy and weak–and yes, immoral to a degree. I know this makes me a bad, intolerant person, and I try to overcome this feeling. But, when I see obese people shovelling tons of food down their gullets at the “all you can eat” seafood bar (along with their fat kids), well, it just reinforces my feelings. And just go on a cruise sometime–don’t even get me started on that. And, what is the deal with slim, hot chicks being married to big, fat men? I see that so often.
As Baboo said to Jerry–I am a bad man. Very, very bad man.
In Canada here there’s this interesting “reality” show on the Life network, called “Taking it off”. A group of people ranging from mildly to morbidly obese are followed thru 6 months of trying to take it off. They can take any approach they want, any diet, any exercise (or none), and so forth. They are tracked weekly on weight, and assessed on fitness level (like mile running test, etc.) at the beginning and at the end of the 6 months.
What’s so fascinating about watching this show is that about half of the participants truly suceed in changing their lives for the better. The other half that doesn’t is often unable to because they have other “traumas”, other problems, usually emotional ones, that are unresolved. You can see if week after week, how hard they want it, but it cannot happen until they dal with the other problems first - the obesity is often a direct response to the problem!
There will always be a portion of fat folks who don’t want to change, there will be some who want to change and are able to do so, but I bet that many fat people want to change but cannot because some other dysfunction is blocking them.
As a former fatty, who dealt with her problems so she could get skinny…
I have no sympathy for people who are fat due to their life style…
I used to be a fat boy also, 5-7 @ about 215 lbs, I lost 70lbs in 6 months just by changing my life style, learning to eat right, and moderate exercise, so I know it can be done…
Thanks for sharing, Amy. It’s a super complex issue. My family is average size and we have few issues surrounding this: My mom and sister think my dad and I are crazy to exercise as much as we do, but they exercise plenty too and neither has had serious weight issues.
Anyway, I have already had to deal with bulemic girls in two years of teaching. I won’t go into details but I’ll speak in generalities: It amazes me that pretty, smart girls can make this a habit and the absolute focus of their lives. I have been told it’s worse and more deadly than drinking and drug use, considering the percentage of girls who go through it and can’t get over it. It killed a girl I knew about 10 years ago: She was a high school soccer coach and by all accounts a ‘babe’ with a great boyfriend and tons of friends but I guess she couldn’t break her addiction and it rotted her insides so much that one night she went to sleep at age 24 and never woke up. Her parents (who actually happened to be visiting and found her) mourned quickly and then quickly spread the word of the likely cause of her untimely demise. So we need to find ways to get kids, esp. girls to be healthy. It starts with how they view themselves, but its family that plays the most important role. But sometimes, like an alcoholic, all the intervention in the world can’t help.
Yet I have friends and relatives who need to calm down on the eats. They really do overdo it and don’t work out enough and I’ve seen them morph from age 20 to 40 and gain 50 to 100 pounds. They are less headed for an early grave than they are for an uncomfortable old age. You really don’t want to be terribly fat when you are in your 70s: On 10 perscription meds and wheeling around the supermarket on those motorized things. It’s better to be as active as you can be as long as you are able, and it starts today.
Then of course I have to mention my time in SE Africa: There, if you are fat, you are healthy and wealthy and fat women are prized. If your wife is skinny you must be treating her badly. She should be plump. Men are usually more skinny, but the “rich” ones are fat. And there are practically no fat children. Kids there are very active, just like many of us were and like everyone was many years ago.
OK. I am rambling because it’s raining out and I was going to ride. It seems to be letting up now. cheers. -TB
We have a friend, lets call her the 600-pound lady. She works a desk job for the state, supervises 10 people -very smart has a masters in business. We got to know her over 15 years ,she has been from 590 to 250 in weight.
I got it third hand with few details, she had some abuse - rape - by a family member she uses her weight as a defense. She comes for dinner I give her a big hug and a sturdy chair. She had the surgery to staple the stomach, and dropped to 450? But has out smarted the surgery by drinking larger milk shakes, which digest quickly and keep her weight up.
I love to go to the Mall with friends and the 600-pound lady, we get off by ourselves talking - shopping, Boy the looks I get, I normally grin and put my head on her shoulder.