Ever lost a friend over something stupid?

The Coffee Shop
61

I guess this just triggered me to remember that there are a couple of other friendships I’ve “lost” (in addition to the one mentioned in my previous reply) but really moreso from being on your friend’s side. I’ve fought wicked depression my entire life, stemming from trauma in childhood. Basically it’s a struggle to see myself as someone who is valuable enough to be someone’s friend and my inclination is to see myself as someone who is tolerated and endured by people and friends rather than someone that enriches people’s lives and someone people want to be friends with. It’s illogical, but is a constant emotional narrative despite me logically knowing better. The truth is that when I step back and logically think through it, I know I’m freaking awesome and an incredible friend who puts himself out to help the people I love and whose advice is (inexplicably!) sought out by my friends. I fight my emotional brain and fight to keep the friendships I have and to never be needy or a “burden” on my friends, but there have been a couple of times in the past where I’ve become convinced that I’m awful and responded by just completely disappearing, like resetting a hard drive, moving on, and starting over. I don’t know what your friend is going through, but you may not have done anything at all. It could absolutely just be something your friend is going through privately and doesn’t know how to share with his friends or is afraid to, so it could be that it’s easier to just disappear entirely.

Other than just time and distance I have only ever really lost one good friend. Except I still don’t know what I did. He just stopped returning our calls. We aren’t sure precisely when he disappeared but wee know we invited him to come over for the OSU/Michigan game and he never responded and we never heard from him again. I still wish we knew what happened.

62

I lost my best friend over missing my wedding. Neil and I spent about 10 years together in the Marine Corps, from boot camp through our first couple of commands. We were roommates damn near most of the time.

He had excitedly agreed to be my best man, I offered to pay for everything (airfare, hotel, etc) but he wouldn’t hear it. As the wedding planning began he said not to worry he’ll be there, everything was cool. Then I didn’t hear from him for a while, which wasn’t uncommon as we were both in the Marine Corps, I figured he was in the field. About a month before the wedding I tried to contact him, and got no response by phone or email. I tried reaching out to mutual friends, they couldn’t get in touch with him either, said last they saw him he was acting flaky. So my wedding comes and goes, I send him an email thanking him for nothing and if he can’t so much as respond then have a nice life, not expecting a response of course, and sure enough I got no response.

Almost 12 months passed when I finally heard through the grapevine Neil had cancer, I don’t remember the details but it was aggressive and he was in hospice. I honestly cried. I knew those in his chain of command would know what’s going, and I knew his SNCOIC pretty well so I asked him what the deal was. I learned he was diagnosed a couple of months before my wedding, was told up front he had maybe a year to live, there was no alternative. Neil was a very independent type of guy, would never ask for help in any way shape or form. He basically cut himself off from his social circle to deal with dying. I really wanted to see him before he died, to apologize and tell him everything was cool, I loved him him none-the-less as a brother. I requested his SNCOIC to ask him if I could come out Imperial Beach to see him. Neil wouldn’t see anyone while hospice, except his command representative who was handling his affairs. But Neil did ask that I attend his funeral. I was heartbroken. Neil’s died Sept 15, 2003, 35 years too young. His funeral was Sept 19, 2003. I was there along with so many of our friends.

To this day I still feel like an asshole. I was so wrapped up in my world I never thought to consider his world might have been collapsing. It pains me that I never got to say it’s OK.

Your story made me tear up. For real. But then I thought about it.

My opinion is this guy had some selfish-dick tendencies himself. He had a “a couple of months” to come to terms with his fate, and did not have the courtesy to contact his best friend and say “Sorry I won’t be there, can’t explain, but wish you the best”, then go back into his self-imposed exile. His actions do not fit my definition of a best friend.

It is a heartbreaking story, but you don’t need to beat yourself up over it.

63

I lost the same friend twice! I’ll be as brief as I can…I have a high functioning down syndrome uncle and my best friend from high school (I was also best man in his wedding) chose to be his caretaker. In return he and his wife receive some money each month and get to live in a nice house owned by my parents that is just down the street from my house. The first time they quit talking to my wife and I was because they could not get pregnant and we did. Then they thought they were pregnant and started talking to us again but when they miscarried communication stopped again. Eventually they adopted and that’s where things really went sideways.

Here and there I would end up as a liaison between my Mom and my friend who are caretakers for my down syndrome uncle. After adopting the baby my Mom took my uncle Pat for two weeks so they could have time alone with the baby. After two weeks she called to let them know she was bringing Pat back and they told her that wasn’t going to work. My family and I took Pat for two weeks and at the end of that time she wanted Pat to go back to his house. Again, my former friend said that wasn’t going to work and they needed more time alone with their baby. At that point my Mom was furious and told him that they are living in Pats house and he’s coming home. Mom called me and I then I called with my friend and he suggested that Pat go stay 25-30 away at his grandparents house and that my parents didn’t need to pay them their monthly stipend for the next month. I told him that while some jobs may provide two months of maternity leave this isn’t a normal job and Pat is sleeping on other people’s couches while you’re leaving in his house. I reminded him the biggest incentive to look after Pat is staying in his house for free and then I asked “are you going to pay the mortgage while Pat isn’t living there?” It was clear they either didn’t have the money or didn’t want to make the payment and I suggested they go stay with his grandparents if they need more time alone but Pat needs to come home. I also said my Mom was thinking two weeks “maternity leave” after your adoption and you were thinking two months and a month is a compromise with you both meeting in the middle.

The relationship was clearly soured after this and they moved out about three months later and my wife and I moved in and have been looking after Pat for the last four years. They former friend and his wife have moved to Montana and once or twice a year my wife will get a text from my former friends wife to say hi to Pat.

64

Other than just time and distance I have only ever really lost one good friend. Except I still don’t know what I did. He just stopped returning our calls. We aren’t sure precisely when he disappeared but wee know we invited him to come over for the OSU/Michigan game and he never responded and we never heard from him again. I still wish we knew what happened.

I had a close friend in HS that something similar happened with. I believe he was struggling with his sexuality and was not comfortable with sharing what he was going thru with his current group of friends. He just dropped off the map and we never really heard from him again.

We thought this was part of what was going on but we never knew for sure. It was the early 90’s and actually being out was a big deal. We were good friends with him for probably 5 or 6 years after we all worked together at a McD’s in college. He was one of the very few people we would go out with on a regular basis. Then he just fell off of the earth.

65

I will be disappointed if the story is not true because I find it absolutely delightful.

It’s true. No idea what the skier dude is going on about.

He missed an obvious joke though since he apparently doesn’t understand what “this” means even though he is the one that typed it.

66

I lost my best friend over missing my wedding. Neil and I spent about 10 years together in the Marine Corps, from boot camp through our first couple of commands. We were roommates damn near most of the time.

He had excitedly agreed to be my best man, I offered to pay for everything (airfare, hotel, etc) but he wouldn’t hear it. As the wedding planning began he said not to worry he’ll be there, everything was cool. Then I didn’t hear from him for a while, which wasn’t uncommon as we were both in the Marine Corps, I figured he was in the field. About a month before the wedding I tried to contact him, and got no response by phone or email. I tried reaching out to mutual friends, they couldn’t get in touch with him either, said last they saw him he was acting flaky. So my wedding comes and goes, I send him an email thanking him for nothing and if he can’t so much as respond then have a nice life, not expecting a response of course, and sure enough I got no response.

Almost 12 months passed when I finally heard through the grapevine Neil had cancer, I don’t remember the details but it was aggressive and he was in hospice. I honestly cried. I knew those in his chain of command would know what’s going, and I knew his SNCOIC pretty well so I asked him what the deal was. I learned he was diagnosed a couple of months before my wedding, was told up front he had maybe a year to live, there was no alternative. Neil was a very independent type of guy, would never ask for help in any way shape or form. He basically cut himself off from his social circle to deal with dying. I really wanted to see him before he died, to apologize and tell him everything was cool, I loved him him none-the-less as a brother. I requested his SNCOIC to ask him if I could come out Imperial Beach to see him. Neil wouldn’t see anyone while hospice, except his command representative who was handling his affairs. But Neil did ask that I attend his funeral. I was heartbroken. Neil’s died Sept 15, 2003, 35 years too young. His funeral was Sept 19, 2003. I was there along with so many of our friends.

To this day I still feel like an asshole. I was so wrapped up in my world I never thought to consider his world might have been collapsing. It pains me that I never got to say it’s OK.

Your story made me tear up. For real. But then I thought about it.

My opinion is this guy had some selfish-dick tendencies himself. He had a “a couple of months” to come to terms with his fate, and did not have the courtesy to contact his best friend and say “Sorry I won’t be there, can’t explain, but wish you the best”, then go back into his self-imposed exile. His actions do not fit my definition of a best friend.

It is a heartbreaking story, but you don’t need to beat yourself up over it.

I agree, if he had simply called to say he couldn’t make it, there would have been no hard feelings. Hell, I have no idea how I would act if my death was imminent. I beat myself up because I thought, “how dare he”, instead of just letting it go. Hindsight is always 20/20

67

Yep, lost one of my best friends over essentially a golf bet. Didn’t speak for two years. Patched things up a little bit no where near the same. Used to speak probably weekly. Now
Maybe once or twice a year.

68

I’d be curious what the vocabulary usage of teachers was 50 years ago versus today

Interestingly enough, there’s a push in the education world for teachers to use larger, language rich vocabulary in both text and speech. I’m fairly certain that I’m one of the few in my school participating.

And that is sad. Better question is why don’t they do it? I posit they don’t have the vocabulary catalog to do so.

69

I posit they don’t have the vocabulary catalog to do so.

My mother told me that if I have nothing good to say…don’t say anything…I’m keeping my mouth shut :slight_smile:

Not specifically aimed at teachers I suppose but I think over the last 50 years we have definitely seen a “Dumbing down” of America. We may be better test takers and technology users but I think we are generally less rational, less intelligent and less well spoken.

~Matt

70

Yep, lost one of my best friends over essentially a golf bet. Didn’t speak for two years. Patched things up a little bit no where near the same. Used to speak probably weekly. Now
Maybe once or twice a year.

You’re going to have to expand on this one. How do you lose a friend over a golf bet? Someone(s) had to be completely unreasonable for this to happen.

71

Loser had to f-- a moose.

Yep, lost one of my best friends over essentially a golf bet. Didn’t speak for two years. Patched things up a little bit no where near the same. Used to speak probably weekly. Now
Maybe once or twice a year.

You’re going to have to expand on this one. How do you lose a friend over a golf bet? Someone(s) had to be completely unreasonable for this to happen.

72

Loser had to f-- a moose.

Yep, lost one of my best friends over essentially a golf bet. Didn’t speak for two years. Patched things up a little bit no where near the same. Used to speak probably weekly. Now
Maybe once or twice a year.

You’re going to have to expand on this one. How do you lose a friend over a golf bet? Someone(s) had to be completely unreasonable for this to happen.

Or didn’t get to if it is Canada.

73

I had a friend no-show at my wedding. My last contact with him was perhaps 2 weeks before the date. We were very close. The last time we spoke, we had a phone conversation in which he observed that I spent a lot of time with my (then) g/f. I replied that I thought that was what relationships were all about. He took this as criticism of his own relationships and never spoke to me again. (more or less). I didn’t know this at the time and was confused an hurt very badly. He was one of my best friends or so I thought.

A few years later, I bumped into him and directly asked him what the heck and he confirmed the above. By then I was over the hurt of the abandonment of the friendship and more disappointed and confused by his actions. In hindsight it made sense. He had had lots of tales with different friends of his in them, but none of the people in any of his stories were current friends at the time he was telling them to me. I came to realize that he had an MO of having fallings out with his friends and then moving on. I really liked him and he was a good person when he was my friend, but it was a quirky critical flaw. He’d eventually take offense at something and burn bridges.

Even a few years more after that chance encounter, a common friend of ours died in an accident. This friend had moved away and then moved back, so Mike, the ex friend in question, had never had the time to have an actual falling out with the deceased. We saw each other at the funeral, and Mike said we should hang out and do something together. I think he was feeling remorseful about having ditched me the way he did and had judged himself to have been wrong. However it was too late, water under the bridge etc. Besides, I figured he’d eventually take offense at something again anyway, so I said “sure”, and then never called.

74

Weekend golf trip, 4 of us. Took turns playing each round with a different partner match play, bet on front - back - overall. Last day I’m not putting well so the other two were making me put everything out. The won a few holes that way. On maybe the 8th hole my partner doesn’t give one of the other team a short putt which he misses, we win the hole. He gets pissed and an argument starts because that’s “poor sportsmanship”. My partner explains they’ve been doing it to me all day. Now my friend this is about is a good golfer (2 or 3 handicap ) and very into golf. Starts getting really mad at my partner and the argument grows. By the 9th tee we’re all arguing when we tee off. Said buddy pulls his drive just into tree line on fairway. By now we’re holding up the group behind us and it’s getting worse while he’s looking for his ball. I hit (out of order ) and walk over to help him look. When I get there he starts with you hit out of order you’re out of this hole. I tell him why and he keeps going with it. So I get annoyed and leave him. On the green he’s still going on with out of the hole. My partner is furious and I finally say I’m out of hole and bet. I just want to play out the round. I told him I’d pay them for the front and overall but I can’t take the arguing so I’m out.
The back was tense and so was lunch after. He won’t take the money from the bet and is all bent out of shape giving me crap about poor sportsmanship type stuff. It sucked but I didn’t think much of it cause we all give each other a hard time. Didn’t talk to me on flight home or drive back from airport. Or for months after that. Found out from another buddy how bent out of shape he was. Wasn’t talking to my partner from that round either. I finally saw him one night out and asked WTF his problem was. He said it was about something else that happened but that didn’t make sense. He was only mad at me and my partner. We talk now at times but it’s no where near the same as before. Part
of a group of about 5 or six who have been friends for pretty much ever, 35 years or so.

75

And to be clear I was not innocent in all of it. For example when I walked away while he was looking for his tee shot I didn’t simply say ok. It was more like , you’re being an asshole so go fuck yourself and good luck finding your ball.

76

And to be clear I was not innocent in all of it. For example when I walked away while he was looking for his tee shot I didn’t simply say ok. It was more like , you’re being an asshole so go fuck yourself and good luck finding your ball.

At least you didn’t find it and then pick it up and pocket it.

77

I had a friend no-show at my wedding. My last contact with him was perhaps 2 weeks before the date. We were very close. The last time we spoke, we had a phone conversation in which he observed that I spent a lot of time with my (then) g/f. I replied that I thought that was what relationships were all about. He took this as criticism of his own relationships and never spoke to me again. (more or less). I didn’t know this at the time and was confused an hurt very badly. He was one of my best friends or so I thought.

A few years later, I bumped into him and directly asked him what the heck and he confirmed the above. By then I was over the hurt of the abandonment of the friendship and more disappointed and confused by his actions. In hindsight it made sense. He had had lots of tales with different friends of his in them, but none of the people in any of his stories were current friends at the time he was telling them to me. I came to realize that he had an MO of having fallings out with his friends and then moving on. I really liked him and he was a good person when he was my friend, but it was a quirky critical flaw. He’d eventually take offense at something and burn bridges.

This guy sounds exactly like my former friend. Everyone aggrieved him in some way. When he had GFs I would rarely see him, it was expected. As soon as I got one and I spent more time with her than him, he couldn’t take it. Told me I am a terrible friend and that we couldn’t be friends any more.

He has no close friends any more. I am certain that he doesn’t see the common denominator.

78

I thought this thread was about something else - I lost a dear friend to leukemia which is really stupid and still ticks me off though it was nearly 20 years ago. Reading the BS in this thread and I want to through something thru a window.

79

I haven’t seen my ex-friend since the funeral in 2001, but I hope he’s matured. He’s going to have a lonely life otherwise. I see potential for him - he was smart and sensitive and striving for self improvement, but I wasn’t going to potentially waste more time on him either.

Some people just pass through our lives. When I was young, I was insecure would go to great lengths to make and keep friends, often not being true to myself, or worse, being the kid they kept around to be the butt of jokes. As an adult I like myself enough to not be untrue to myself. When it comes to keeping people in my life, I’m a little more pragmatic about my own time and will simply phase people out who are negative influences or too much work. The “I always make the effort, they make none” test described above is very effective and if I find myself having those thoughts, I try it out and wait for the other person to contact me. When they don’t, I know.

I love all my friends that I have and cherish them dearly. In fact, it’s one of the positives of triathlon - the friends I’ve made through 12 years in the sport are positive, can-do, encouraging people, just the type of influence and example I want in my life.

80

I’m pretty sure I lost a friend last year. We had been friends for probably 15 years, and pretty close. We had a very strange friendship. Both of us are very competitive, we love to one up each other (sports, marks in school, with girls, etc). The problem, for me at least, was his ego. He has classic little man syndrome, and embellishes stories or outright lies to make himself sound more important or successful. I usually tease him to no end about it, which just infuriates him and makes him do it even more.

Anyways, I’m not entirely sure what happened, but the last time I heard from him was at my wedding almost a year ago. He got married the year before, and had a kid shortly after I got married, so I’m half chalking it up to life just getting in the way, but, at some point, I just realized I hadn’t heard from him in ages, and I haven’t called him either. I think I was pretty tired of his bullshit and tolerating his stories, maybe he was sick of me teasing him about it, or something else? I don’t know.

I don’t think I’ve lost a friend over any one particularly stupid incident.