I got divorced about 6 years ago, and since then, have had virtually zero contact with my ex. I recently got back in contact through e-mail, after someone asked me about her and I was embarrassed to say I didn’t even know where she lives.
So here’s my question. For those of you who are divorced, how much contact do you have with your ex? Is it way outside the norm to not have any contact? We don’t have kids, so that’s not an issue.
if we did not kids I would definitely have zero contact with my ex. We use email and text messaging more than anything else. So no, I do not think it is outside the norm. I always question it when people are ‘friends’ with their ex. Then why is it your ex???
My ex and I do not have children, and we have not spoken since before our divorce was finalized… so its been about 18 months. I lived in the same small town until this past summer though, so I was always aware of the details of his life. Other than wishing him the best, I have no interest in how he is doing or what he is doing.
That being said, I do know people who stay in touch with their exes… what they realized is that they don’t dislike the person per se, simply that it is impossible for them to continue to be in a dedicated relationship with each other. I think it simply depends on the individuals involved and the circumstances surrounding the ending of the marriage.
If you can have a positive interaction with your ex, then I don’t see any reason to not touch base once in a while. However, if doing so causes pain for either of you, then I think it best if you continue as you have for the past six years. Don’t let others’ expectations of how you should behave with your ex lead you to a relationship or lack there of, that isn’t in the best interests of the two of you. You know the details of why your marriage ended and the impact it had on you.
only contact is because of a shared child.
along the same theme as waterdog, i do believe its possible to love someone without LIKING them, there are things about my X I still love and miss, but she is not a good person, therefore I do not like her and dont care to ever see her again 
I got divorced about 6 years ago, and since then, have had virtually zero contact with my ex.
I wish I was as lucky as you.
never married, but was with a girl for 6 years and broke off an engagement to her. We are still friends. She throws parties every once in awhile I attend (sometimes) and have taken my current gf with me.
That’s an impossible question to answer since there is no standard norm. I’d suspect if there are no kids involved, the majority of divorced couples tend to make a clean break.
Since we have kids, my ex and I are bonded for life. We keep in regular touch because of the kids, even though the kids are grown up (18 & 23). Probably wouldn’t have very much contact if it wasn’t for the kids.
On the other hand I know a guy who was dating his ex wife for years. They tell everybody that they like each other much more as boyfriend/girlfriend than husband/wife.
Who cares what the norm is?
I’d say since you don’t have kids, the choice is YOURS.
If it makes YOU happy to have contact with her, go for it. If not, make a clean break.
Ditto.
Contact/communication revolves almost exclusivly around our son. If not for him, I suspect there would be little or no contact. I agree that it’s a life-long thing when there are children involved. My parents are divorced and have been for 30 years, both are remarried, but are still in contact with one another from time to time( perhaps once or twice a year) over family stuff and mutual friends.
While I am not divorced, I did end a relationship with a GF and have not spoken to her since the breakup. All of my friends are taken back when I said that I have not talked to here since. I do not understand this, they act as if I have to keep in touch with her.
I have been divorced from the first mrs. bunnyman for over twelve years. We had a little contact for two years, but I mean limited contact. Most of the contact pertained to legal stuff, though she tried to jump my bones after one of our meetings. I know she lives in the same town I do, yet I have NEVER run into her, and she’s been in town for over eight years. Weird, eh?
I suspect that if the current mrs. bunnyman and I part ways, unless there is a shared custody agreement for the bunny children, we will have minimal contact after getting the legal stuff done. I don’t see why there is a need to have much contact if there were no kids involved.
So, to answer your question: No, hell NO!!!
i would say the most embarrassing thing about the scenario you mentioned is on the person thinking you would actually keep tabs on your ex.
you’re divorced. there is no relationship. why would you know anything? see…it was a strange question to begin with. 
Like malcoda, I was not married to my ex, but we were together for 6 years in a committed relationship. While we don’t have shared children, he is a huge part of my daughter’s life and takes his role as a father figure to her seriously. He also continues to be the person I can ALWAYS count on. Sometimes it can be difficult as the wound is still kind of fresh, but I’d rather not lose my best friend.
I am friends with some of my other former boyfriends, but not really close. Just the occasional email with family updates and such. There are a couple of them I would be happy never to cross paths with again. I guess my point is, it depends on your individual relationship. Sometimes a relationship doesn’t work for one reason or another in one form, but it doesn’t mean it can’t work in a different way.
“you’re divorced. there is no relationship. why would you know anything?”
I guess that’s what I find weird. Assuming you got married because you loved eachother and wanted to spend the rest of your lives together, isn’t it odd that a few years later you would have had zero contact with that person you were so close to? Assuming the divorce wasn’t based on rampant cheating or insanity or something like that it just seems weird to go from having a completely shared life with another person, to not even knowing where she lives in such a short time. Yet that’s the position I found myself in. Anyway, it’s not really a matter of me caring what other people think of me and my situation. The person I was talking to wasn’t probing or asking if I kept tabs, he just asked if I still had any contact, and I had to answer “no.” I am really just gathering data points to try to put my situation into perspective to see if I am way out there in left field, or closer to the norm.
Here’s the advice I give my friends in similar situations:
Although I’ve never been married, I’ve had my share of significant personal relationships - one with whom I keep in touch; not so much with the rest for distinct reasons. I don’t think it’s weird either way since there’s no accurate baseline for these things. Ultimately, you’re the only person who can gauge whether it’s time - or even appropriate - to reconnect. Part of reconnecting may entail hearing that the other person has moved on. Just make sure you really want to ‘go there’ and doing so won’t cause serious emotional relapse that could be ill-timed.
Anyway, just some unfiltered advice from a management consultant who’s pulling an all-nighter.
Been there 2 times. Once without kids, once with with one.
First time, ( was married 13 years) absolutely no contact in the last 12 years. Once I moved out, I saw her once when I came by the house to pick up a few items. But that was only for her to let me in. We had a mutual friend there to make sure the proper things were taken by me and nothing else. After that, I saw her once in a restaurant. No eye contact was made. About 2 years after the divorce, I heard from a friend of her’s that she had moved to Deleware from Texas.
#2, (was married 9 years ) the contact is as limited as possible. I pick my daughter up from school on my weekends. Its a 3 hour drive to get her. When I take her back on Sundays, we meet half way. Typically, I avoid making eye contact with the ex. Any scheduling in done only by email. As far as I am concerned, other than wishing her a painful death on occassion, I pretend the bitch doesn’t even exist.
I know there are people that divorce and remain friends and even do shit together. I have no idea how they do it.
Very interesting question.
I’m at the point where divorce seems likely. I love my wife, we’ve been together almost 20 years, but we have both been unhappy for awhile now. I think about the future a lot because we have 2 daughters and to me, the worst possible thing is to hurt them. I’m torn because I want to be happy but I don’t want them to be unhappy. I wonder if I am being selfish to put them through this for me.
I believe my wife and I will keep in contact because of them but also because we do care about each other. I think it will be impossible not to because I want her to be happy and if it’s not me that can do that, then so be it.
Confused? Yeah, me too.
My parents are divorced… and still live together! Albeit, they have different rooms, and really don’t interact that much… still strange though.
The day the divorce went through my mom told me “I hope now we (she and my dad) can finally become friends.” Not too sure what that means… eh, they were hippies, that must explain it!
To be fair, they are only co-habitating until the house sells, but that could be months.
my parents have been divorced for 30 years and my dad still called my mom once a month to make sure that everything is ok. My dad and my mom had been having a good relationship and to be honest im glad they did because I reside 4000km away from home and my mom will not always tell me when she’s not alright but she will tell my dad and of course my dad will tell me so its all good!!
Stef
Happy new year to all of you and your ex’s!
Stef
I’m in the same boat but my parents pretty much hate each other and we all live 5 minutes from each other. Sweeeet!