I’ve noticed a lot of friends and others around me are divorcing as they become empty nesters - I did a quick internet search as I’m curious and found that divorce rates amongst empty nesters have doubled over the past 10-20 years to 1 in 4. This holds true in my experience around our network of friends and colleagues.
In two years, assuming my youngest heads to college and my eldest stays at college we will be sans kids in the house and I can see that it will take some time and energy to reconnect as all of our time and energy in the marriage has been focused on the kids. At the same time, we’ve changed along the way as well. I can definitely see how the couple look at each other one day and realize they hardly know each other anymore. Seems that it’s mostly driven by women.
I’ve noticed a lot of friends and others around me are divorcing as they become empty nesters - I did a quick internet search as I’m curious and found that divorce rates amongst empty nesters have doubled over the past 10-20 years to 1 in 4. This holds true in my experience around our network of friends and colleagues.
In two years, assuming my youngest heads to college and my eldest stays at college we will be sans kids in the house and I can see that it will take some time and energy to reconnect as all of our time and energy in the marriage has been focused on the kids. At the same time, we’ve changed along the way as well. I can definitely see how the couple look at each other one day and realize they hardly know each other anymore. Seems that it’s mostly driven by women.
and I can see that it will take some time and energy to reconnect as all of our time and energy in the marriage has been focused on the kids. At the same time, we’ve changed along the way as well.
How does a couple let this happen? Yes, kids are an enormous time/money/energy suck, but you are married to someone forever (supposedly) and it would seem to be pretty important to maintain that marriage every day. Parents should not be two individuals, but a team that works together to do the job.
(speaking as someone coming up on 21 years of marriage, one daughter a rising college sophomore, and one a rising HS freshman)
Got out of that one - the kid is a the local junior college but my wife helped him rent a place. We shall see. I can certainly see my wife struggling with the concept of no kids around to manage / take care of which is tangentially related to this post.
To your original post. I can see how easy it would be to not know how the heck to live together once the kids are gone. I honestly believe if not for grandkids coming along quickly, my parents could very well have been in that position. The advent of the grandkids seems to have made being married, miserable but able to see the grandkids together better than being divorced, who knows what mentally, and having grandkids go to 2 different Christmases.
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
I’m not so sure that it’s only when the kids are gone that they realise they ‘barely know each other’. I’d go as far to say the problems were there for a long time and speculate that in most cases they simply stayed together to give stability to their kids. It must take a lot of courage to start over in the second half of your life and in particular for women who have been traditional stay at home mums. I’m sure the thoughts of moving on have been there for many years prior.
Whilst I acknowledge your point that two people can become strangers to each other with all the focus on the kids, I also agree with the other poster which implied that it doesn’t have to be that way with the right focus. Kids know when their parents are not happy. I see it in my own mum with the way dad has just ground her down with constant, derogatory or condescending remarks. It’s gotten worse with him no longer working. She has told me that if he were to pass she would feel some degree of relief. It is really sad that it gets to that point. In her case though it’s not really through any fault of hers
Getting old sucks. Our physical abilities and health deteriorate and perhaps that’s part of the reason people get grumpy and relationships falter. There is probably a lot of reflection on one’s life and the fear of not having achieved what you had anticipated you would have when you were young. If you’re not in a happy relationship then the temptation to no longer be held back by things that make you unhappy would I believe be a major reason to move on. But I also think that reflection and fear of not having achieved things might also contribute to moving on from a relationship that wasn’t necessarily that bad. Grass is greener and all that.
Getting old alone would be a fear for many. It would be horrible for those that may have moved on out of fear that they’ve missed out on something only to find that things weren’t that bad after all and it’s then too late. Parents need to work on their own relationships as much as they do the lives of their kids. It shouldn’t have to be game over once the kids leave home.
and I can see that it will take some time and energy to reconnect as all of our time and energy in the marriage has been focused on the kids. At the same time, we’ve changed along the way as well.
How does a couple let this happen? Yes, kids are an enormous time/money/energy suck, but you are married to someone forever (supposedly) and it would seem to be pretty important to maintain that marriage every day. Parents should not be two individuals, but a team that works together to do the job.
(speaking as someone coming up on 21 years of marriage, one daughter a rising college sophomore, and one a rising HS freshman)
I have friends and colleagues who seem extremely happy as parents but not as spouses. “The family” is everything to them and they love and adore “the family.” They are not staying together “for the sake of the children” but because being parents has become the sum of their existence. When the kids are gone, so too are the family vacations, family cookouts, family movie night, etc., etc. When that ends, they look at each other and wonder why they are still together when there is no more family. They certainly were a “team” that worked together to do the job of raising the family. But, when “the family” has moved out, there is no longer a purpose for the team to stay together.
Personally, like you, I don’t get it. But, my situation is a bit different. I came into “the family” with wifie and the two kids. We loved having the kids at home, but were never concerned about them moving out. I was 40 when the second kid left. It’s awesome being an empty nester! But, in our case, wifie and I never had the no-kid life before. We went into marriage with the kiddos, so, it was almost like being newlyweds when the kids moved out!
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
You get through this period by getting together with your posse and eating and drinking a lot. This lasts for a season until grandkids come then you go your separate ways again.
Our relationship got better when our daughter went away to college.
This is my situation. We like to travel, go to the theatre, movies, and working out. We each have our own hobbies so all of our time isn’t spent together. Our bumps were when our kids were little and we didn’t have our own lives. I think that is a huge key as well. If you spend all of your time together you never know what it’s like to be your own person.
I’m guessing we’ll be in that boat. Currently have 4 and 6 year old kids, we both work in fairly demanding (though fortunately flexible) jobs, we don’t have many relationship issues but nearly all the ones we do stem from the stress and mess of young kids and/or the time pressures we’re both under. As the kids get older and (hopefully!) we get more time of our own again I’m really looking forward to spending more quality time with the wife.
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
Yup. Stay together for the kids.
A terrible decision. But many do this.
Oh good, a cliche. Always nice to get those on the table.
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
Yup. Stay together for the kids.
A terrible decision. But many do this.
Oh good, a cliche. Always nice to get those on the table.
What part is the cliche? That people say (and do) this? (They do) or that it’s a terrible decision? (It is)
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
Yup. Stay together for the kids.
A terrible decision. But many do this.
Oh good, a cliche. Always nice to get those on the table.
What part is the cliche? That people say (and do) this? (They do) or that it’s a terrible decision? (It is)
My wife comes from an “interesting” background. Her biological dad was just a sperm donor (also a creep). She was adopted by the next husband when she was 2, who is an absolute asshole. That dad lasted until she was 13 then it was on to dad #3. Even with all that turmoil she is still a big advocate of divorce. Dad #2 was abusive, has alcohol issues and just flat did not get along with her mom. My wife says they and the three kids were 100% better off with the divorce than if they had stuck it out for the kids. She thinks a lot of people stick it out too long.
How does a couple let this happen?
Well, they could have made it as long as they did for the children. Or at least the good of the children factored heavily into the decision.
Yup. Stay together for the kids.
A terrible decision. But many do this.
Oh good, a cliche. Always nice to get those on the table.
What part is the cliche? That people say (and do) this? (They do) or that it’s a terrible decision? (It is)
