i know I’ve seen discussions about this in the past but I’m curious about how some of the married triathletes out there manage the training while still maintaining a healthy marriage. I have four kids under the age of 10 so I tend to train early in the morning. This has worked fairly well as I can get a good workout in before anyone is out of bed. However, now that my long rides are hitting 5 hours and longer the friction is starting again. I told my wife that I would start my ride at 4 am so that I would be back by 9:30 and then it is off for an hour run. Done everything by 10:30 am, I say. But my wife isn’t happy with this claiming it ruins the whole day. I don’t know how else to get these long rides done. I’m not going to start at 3 in morning. I feel that I am not being unreasonable here.Add in the fact that my wife thinks after I do my first Ironman in September that will be it but I want to keep at this. Is it normal to have to deal with this for others training for ironman? It’s quite frustrating. Triathlon is becoming three events for me: swim, bike, run, placate my spouse.
What is more important to you, feeding your obsession for Ironman, or having a happy home life?
Triathlon is more than Ironman. Do some shorter races and have fun. Do an Ironman every couple of years.
One more thing while I am spouting out all these gems of wisdom today. Many people overtrain for the Ironman distance. No need for a 5 hour ride x 1 hour run every weekend from now until September.
Hmmm…I think you are being very reasonable…I hardly see how the whole day is ruined with you being done by 1030. Do you have any other hobbies that take you away from your family? I have managed to keep my family happy by pretty much giving up anything non-triathlon related…like golf, etc.
Spot
claiming it ruins the whole day and it actually doing it are totally different things.
if that’s your Saturday, did you take kid duty on Sunday to let her go out? equity is a good thing. My Fiancee knows on longs rides she’s on SAG duty if there is a problem. But she also knows shopping is after any ride of 6 hours and longer after my nap. Give and Take.
While we don’t have kids, it might be she feels there is no time for her (who hasn’t had that conversation at some point) or she’s not getting the help with kids/home/insert item here she needs, real or otherwise. Are you grumpy after your rides? Too tired to even talk? Some are energized after a workout, some dead to the world. being honest with yourself of what you can do after 6 hours is the thing to do.
I agree that you seem to be looking for a middle ground. Hopefully she hasn’t dug in the heels and one can still be reached.
Funny, I was discussing exactly this same subject. Before I signed on the line for IMFL, I told my wife what my training will be and that we essentially won’t have a summer vacation. (However we will hit the Disney Resorts post race.)
Same thing you’re getting… “We never do anything. This has be the most boring summer.” I reminded her, but here’s what I got… an unexpected camping trip on our schedule. Wife going out of town for a week, coerced into coaching daughter’s soccer team this fall. My kids are 9 and 12 and I don’t feel I can leave them home alone for the six or more hours I need on a Saturday or Sunday.
I mentioned in an earlier thread about calling the sheriff on our neighbors who were beating the crap out of each other at 1:30 in the morning. I was planning to get out the door at six for a three hour ride followed by an hour run. My wife planned to head to San Diego at 9:00. I left at seven and didn’t make it back until 10:00 (53 miles - Santiago Canyon - for those who know one of So. Cal’s favorite routes.) She had the car ready to go and immediately took off with THAT LOOK on her face. I had to get the kids off the TV, dressed and made them ride their bikes 4 miles while I ran. They weren’t real happy about that so later that day I took them to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Sat there in the theater feeling my legs twisting into pretzels.
On and on and on… It’s going to be an interesting Ironman adventure.
I’m not sure what keywords to search for, somebody else probably remembers, BUT…there was a great post a while back giving advice on how to make your spouse want you to go train…something about asking what she’s doing every 5 minutes, tagging along on her girl time, that kind of thing. Good stuff.
In all seriousness though, done by 10:30am seems very reasonable to me. Maybe she just needs some attention in other aspects to make her feel more comfortable with the time you are devoting to IM training.
I told my wife that I would start my ride at 4 am so that I would be back by 9:30 and then it is off for an hour run. Done everything by 10:30 am, I say. But my wife isn’t happy with this claiming it ruins the whole day.
Meanwhile she got up, fed the kids, got them dressed made there beds. You come in at 10:30 but still need to shower --11:00 need to eat 11:30. What time did the kids eat breakfast might be time for Lunch. So know its 1/2 day gone and any day family idea is out the window. We wont talk about a nap or how tired you might be.
Ya if you dont do things as a family on the weekends she can dash out at 10:30 or leave at 9:00 and get a baby sitter, but my guess is she was talking family events.
Im just trying to point things out from her perspective. I really think you need to talk this over with her and discuss this togeather. I have always looked at my marriage as a team, and we both have goals and support each other on them. But it does take communication.
Oh boy Im going to hear it for this one.
My 12 year old daughter babysits our 9 year old son when my wife and I go out ( she also babysits alot of the kids in the nieghborhood). This is at night, and sometimes we get home as late as 12. Take your cell phone and pay the oldest to babysit when your wife will not be around. This is a great time to be a parent (they want to show you that they can do it), enjoy and go ride.
In the Marketing Research world asking this question to this forum is what is know as “Sampling Bias”.
And yes I hear the same shit at home.
I’d have to chime in and say her real or perceived needs aren’t being met and she doesn’t like it. After your six hour workout, are you helping around the house or watching the kids while she goes grocery shopping (or going grocery shopping yourself)?
Your schedule sounds reasonable, so I wonder what she’s missing out with you? Having you go to Starbucks and bringing home a Saturday morning coffee? My husband used to to that when he was training for a marathon and I loved it. Does she really want Saturday morning as her one day to sleep in? Analyze it as honestly as you can and then talk with her about it. You’ll be able to work it out.
Halfspeed, with respect to being an hour later than agreed to so you can get your bike ride in, yeah, that’s rude. You left your wife waiting (and fuming) for an hour because you decided your schedule is more important than hers.
Not good after all of the things you said she and the family feel they have given up for your dream. You couldn’t cut your ride short and finish it up later on the trainer?
It really is a fine line; especially when young kids are involved.
Welcome to my world. Although it has been better of late, it has been incredibly difficult to juggle training, working f/t, almost-18month old daughter and husband. I get up at 4am to train so I am done by a reasonable hour. I still get that look. Plus I cook dinner each night and do most of the cleaning. Plus I am the breadwinner. You tell me how to be more reasonable? Sigh.
I am trying to spend time with the hubby though, so I do ZERO training on weeknights, that’s our time to spend together after kidlet is in bed. I have made a go of it, and think I will do OK at IMWA. I think he too is starting to see how difficult it is for me to manage all this, and is lightening up a bit.
I worry about my last 14 weeks between my 1/2IM in Spokane and IMWA, when it will get ugly (training-wise). Hopefully he can stay patient with me until it’s all over.
AP
i know I’ve seen discussions about this in the past but I’m curious about how some of the married triathletes out there manage the training while still maintaining a healthy marriage.
Generally we don’t try to combine equitable conscientious parenting of 4 tiny tots with obsessive training for the faux holy grail of Ironman, that’s how. I’m reminded of a proverb…what was it?..oh yes…You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Also, we don’t piss and moan about our cherished life partner in bars, at work, or in internet forums.
Hey, you asked, and all I can do is answer truthfully.
Taking the bullet for Dave and Erik - you guys are on the right track but you soft pedaled it a bit too much…please say a kind word over my soon to be charred corpse.
I would say being done by that time shouldn’t ruin a whole day. Just what else would be going on that has to happen or in reality would happen before that time. If big things would happen, then you might have to adjust. I’ve had some guilt, but as usuall the kids get busy on cartoons and the wife lays in bed until 11 and the reality of doing something just is not what would happen anyway. If you cleaned the garage and mowed until that same time, would this make for peace. I think she’s a little jealous over how you are spending your time and nothing will help that but her changing her attitude–good luck on that one. Make sure you’re plugged in the rest of the time however. I always think I could be a hunter or fisherman and be gone even longer, so just because what I do is not the norm doesn’t make it a waste of time.
Getting done by 10:30 am is very reasonable…BUT…DO NOT COME HOME AT 9:30 AM and HEAD BACK OUT for an hour run. This is a recipe for disaster. Once you are home, you are home. You need to make the training as transparent as possible. You’be be better off driving your car 1K down the street, finishing your long ride at 9:30, throwing the bike in the car and then running for 60 min and then driving home at 10:35. I only have an 8 year old, and the moment I come home he does not want me to head out. With 4 kids, the problem is x4 worse (or likely x16 worse). Train early, get done early, but don’t come home and go out to train more. This NEVER works !
sounds like you should have been more forthcoming with your training schedule when you decided to start. the fact that your wife thinks this race is it for you and you are planning to continue to train for more races shows you’re keeping your wife in the dark assuming it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission. this is likely to come back to bite you later. realistically, a 5 hour ride takes longer than 5 hours plus the 1 hour run is then followed by several hours of recovery so your wife’s comment is not totally off base. make a calendar with all your other family commitments first, then see what time is left for you to train. As your kids get older, it will only get more complicated as they start participating in sports, plays, etc. that you will want to attend.
When I found my training causing friction, I organized my long rides around my wife’s long training rides and my daughter’s activities, trained less and picked shorter races, trained later if there was a morning commitment, get my chores done during the week, do my share of the cooking and all the laundry.
As someone who works long hours and has two kids under 6, I know where you’re coming from. I suggest seriously considering a Computrainer and PowerCranks together. If anyone knows of a more time-efficient way to train for the bike and the run, I’d like to hear it. Yeah, Powercranks are incredibly humbling at first, they’re expensive, and the computrainer is expensive and pretty boring, but how much would you pay for homefront tranquility and better performances? Also, take a tip from Dean Karnazes – train at night after the kids go to bed. Just a thought.
One other thing, check out Michael McCormack’s views on efficient training – very interesting. http://www.triathloncoach.com/index.html
I sat my wife done last October and told her I wanted to do an ironman and that to expect some long bike days . Up until then any training I did whether it be for running races or just general fitness was done at 5 am-7am. As far as the household is considered I don’t train since I do it all while everyone sleeps or during my lunch hour at work-never after I get home from work at 6pm.So basically, it is like I am only training for 4 hours that actually cuts into time I would normally be around. That’s my point.Once I’m back and I’m back. No naps, just whatever we need to do. I’v even offered to take care of the kids/house all day Sunday to free the day up for my wife if she wants. This weekend after 140km on the bike Saturday and a 2 1/2 hour run Sunday morning we took the kids mini-golfing. My legs were dying but I got my training time so it ws only fair that I didn’t cut into more of the weekend.That’s how I’m trying to work it. Every other day (except Saturday) I make breakfast for everyone and many weeknights I clean up after dinner and bath the kids and put them to bed so my wife can play tennis or visit friends etc.Still I get the flack about how this summer is ruined because of my training.
I try to stay our of this arena since I have not trained for an IM. If your heart tells you that you are over-commiting to what is essentially a hobby and depriving your wife and little krumb krunchers of their spouse/father, then really put some serious thought into that. Gosh, when I think of 4 little ones under 10 waiting for me, it kind of melts my heart. Man that is just precious. I really miss those times and you don’t want to have any regrets in that area either. Maybe tell her that you want to do this IM but after that cut back to Oly races. If you are not getting paid for it, it is just a hobby so treat it that way.
Somewhere along the line your wife AND yourself decided that you wanted 4 children in your life. And then after they were already in this world you decided you need to do an Ironman, and while I am completely in favor parents having their own hobbies and interests-you chose a family that in most instances will not support an Ironman every year, unless you can do it on minimal training.
I think your wife is great for saying her needs and checking you on yours. You should be able to do your Ironman, and it is great that you are getting up at 4 AM to get it all done, but you will need your family LONG after and MUCH more than any Ironman status or goal.
I say all of this because I grew up in a family of 4 children, and my dad is an avid hunter. Gone every Wed, Fri, and Sat to the country or to fish. He is a great man and provided well for us, but not for our emotional needs or physically being there for us. My mom never said spoke up, and she found herself a VERY lonely person when all her kids were gone. And what did my dad do? Bought more hunting land and a farm for his grandkids. I am in no way judging you and your wife’s relationship, but just stating the harm my dad’s hobby did me. He SO MUCH needed his time he never came to my cheerleading or soccer, unless it was on Sunday. So now my dad SO badly is trying to make it up for his grandkids for which I am excited.
VERY god advice, I do that, I’m gone until I’m done. I even have started showering at the pool and eating before I come home.