I am younger, as in entering freshman year of college. I am dating a girl a few months younger than me, and have been for quite awhile. Neither of us are going anywhere.
Her car is 210,000 miles, and more issues than it should have, and it costs more to fix it than is worth. Thus, they enter the world of car shopping. I was talking to her today, and she got a little frustrated and told me “Your family has money, and your lifestyle and childhood are and were very different than mine, and you wouldn’t understand.” Conversation followed those lines for a while, and it got me wondering…
A) Have you ever been in either of our shoes? Or to phrase it another way, have you ever been dating someone who came from a wealthier family or from a less wealthy family? (I know no family is the same- but I’m talking noticable difference).
B) How do you go about this situation? I want to kind of just talk about like, “Okay lets talk about how we were raised and stuff and the differences, the pros and cons and how we feel about it, such that we are able to understand each other better?”
C) Any thoughts? One of my biggest ones is that we don’t get to pick the life we are born into, and that can go any which way. So rather than being upset, bitter, smug, etc, why not communicate and try to understand each other? I also understand that this would be harder on one end than the other, especially when money is tight in one partners life.
I agree with B and C. If you were to be thinking about getting married you would be wise to discuss those things. So why not do it now and find out if it is worth continuing the relationship. The longer you are in the harder it is to breakup. Money is one of the top things that cause marital strife. Sometimes the very thing that attracts you to someone sets you up for problems. For instance they have money but you don’t. But the reason you have money is you are a saver and they are a more of a spender. Partner might be attractive she/he spends money on clothes personal appearance does fun things. Attractive but once you get married starts to irritate other person. I wouldn’t characterize my wife as a big spender but I am more frugal. I had to relax somewhat about saving and she had to relax somewhat about spending for us both to be okay about it. Sounds like for a freshman in college you are pretty mature about this.
People see us and get confused as to why she’s with me (and I’d have to agree with them)
Then she’s with you for your money.
Run away as fast as you can.
I think I misspoke…
I’m definitely outclassed in pretty much every way by her.
And the money that I’m talking about isn’t mine, just the fact that I was raised in a house with more affluent parents.
I grew up poor and my family finally got money when i was 12. Over a few years I went from being super embarrassed of our shitty cars and eating government cheese to having the largest house in the neighborhood and a cabin to go to on the weekends. In my experience, people who grow up with money tend to have absolutely no idea what its like to want or need things that poor people struggle for. It often comes across as being out of touch to people who are currently or have been poor.
If you like her, listen to her and try to not be a jackass about it.
I grew up poor and my family finally got money when i was 12. Over a few years I went from being super embarrassed of our shitty cars and eating government cheese to having the largest house in the neighborhood and a cabin to go to on the weekends. In my experience, people who grow up with money tend to have absolutely no idea what its like to want or need things that poor people struggle for. It often comes across as being out of touch to people who are currently or have been poor.
If you like her, listen to her and try to not be a jackass about it.
Thats the thing. I have no clue what it’s like, and I want to talk about it so that I have a little more understanding, and can be more helpful and supportive. I really like her (quite a lot, actually ) and I really want to listen and understand, and I would prefer to not be a jackass, and I’m always working on that.
A) Yes, for the most part. Her parents were upper middle class and mine working class. She had college completely paid for, and lots of other little perks that come with that kind of money. I had to pay for college myself, had no educational guidance, nor any financial guidance which led to a combination of not having any money, and not managing what little money I had very well.
There were also small cultural differences that we had to get over. For example, she group up where it was common to take your shoes off when entering a persons house. I had never heard of this, and in fact if I stubbed my toe on a piece of furniture, my parents would say, “That’s what you get for not wearing your shoes.” This became an issue because she thought I was being disrespectful wearing my shoes in other people’s houses when I didn’t even know it was a thing.
B) Yes, you can talk about it, but its a very touchy subject that you have to be careful with. The person from the poorer family is always going to be a bit defensive, and the person from the richer family is often going to say something condescending or outright douchey without realizing it.
One small example I can think of was a time when we were getting new countertops installed in our townhouse. My wife said a few things to the person at Home Depot about how we didn’t want anything extravagant because we just lived in a townhouse, and made it sound like it was a pathetic little place because it wasn’t even a real house, etc. She was trying to sound humble, but I had to explain to her that the people she was talking to probably couldn’t afford to live in our neighborhood so its not a good idea to talk down your nose about the townhouses there. (this is a “you had to be there” kind of thing).
C) See above.
The bottom line is, two people from different backgrounds (whatever they may be) are going to have different perspectives and there will be clashing. It may or may nit workout as a result. The best you can do is be aware of the differences and try to see their perspective and hope that they do the same for you. If you approach the situation assuming that the problem is entirely theirs, especially if you are the one who came from more money, prepare yourself to get dumped.
People see us and get confused as to why she’s with me (and I’d have to agree with them)
Then she’s with you for your money.
Run away as fast as you can.
I think I misspoke…
I’m definitely outclassed in pretty much every way by her.
And the money that I’m talking about isn’t mine, just the fact that I was raised in a house with more affluent parents.
Ok.
One of my very few pet peeves is people who are concern with, make judgements about, or otherwise take much notice of what kind of money other people make or “come from.”
It doesn’t matter if the judgement is made about you because you have money or if you don’t have money.
Where I live I’m surrounded by affluence and poverty both and have found that wealth (or lack thereof) has very little to do with each individual person I encounter.
I grew up lower middle class, so did my wife. We are now what most would consider quite wealthy and my eldest daughter starts college in a few weeks so she grew up in a different world than that of my wife and myself. Here’s my sound advice as someone who is self made and my wife who participated and my daughter who is figuring it out: stay the duck out of it on this topic. Both you and this girl are far too young to deal with ‘wealth vs poor’. Unless you’re ready to give her money to solve her problems (don’t) let her and her family sort it out. Get your education and emotionally support her in every way.
If you get married someday then deal with financial topics together. In the meantime, giver her a hug, let her know you’re there for her and stay out of the family finances. I don’t need some college freshman advising my daughter about life and money - and you don’t need it either.
Soon enough neither of your families will be your support system and you’ll both be at ground zero building a career. Equally broke and inexperienced and naive. Regardless of trust funds and family cash. Deal with it accordingly.
A) Yes, for the most part. Her parents were upper middle class and mine working class. She had college completely paid for, and lots of other little perks that come with that kind of money. I had to pay for college myself, had no educational guidance, nor any financial guidance which led to a combination of not having any money, and not managing what little money I had very well.
There were also small cultural differences that we had to get over. For example, she group up where it was common to take your shoes off when entering a persons house. I had never heard of this, and in fact if I stubbed my toe on a piece of furniture, my parents would say, “That’s what you get for not wearing your shoes.” This became an issue because she thought I was being disrespectful wearing my shoes in other people’s houses when I didn’t even know it was a thing.
Lower middle class upbringing. Still, we took our shoes off in the house as it’s not cool to track mud, dog shit and snow into people’s (or your own) houses.
I grew up poor and my family finally got money when i was 12. Over a few years I went from being super embarrassed of our shitty cars and eating government cheese to having the largest house in the neighborhood and a cabin to go to on the weekends. In my experience, people who grow up with money tend to have absolutely no idea what its like to want or need things that poor people struggle for. It often comes across as being out of touch to people who are currently or have been poor.
If you like her, listen to her and try to not be a jackass about it.
Thats the thing. I have no clue what it’s like, and I want to talk about it so that I have a little more understanding, and can be more helpful and supportive. I really like her (quite a lot, actually ) and I really want to listen and understand, and I would prefer to not be a jackass, and I’m always working on that.
Sounds like you’re on the right track.
Listen, show empathy and be understanding
I grew up poor and my family finally got money when i was 12. Over a few years I went from being super embarrassed of our shitty cars and eating government cheese to having the largest house in the neighborhood and a cabin to go to on the weekends. In my experience, people who grow up with money tend to have absolutely no idea what its like to want or need things that poor people struggle for. It often comes across as being out of touch to people who are currently or have been poor.
If you like her, listen to her and try to not be a jackass about it.
Thats the thing. I have no clue what it’s like, and I want to talk about it so that I have a little more understanding, and can be more helpful and supportive. I really like her (quite a lot, actually ) and I really want to listen and understand, and I would prefer to not be a jackass, and I’m always working on that.
Sounds like you’re on the right track.
Listen, show empathy and be understanding
Then have your dad get you a 5 Series.
I’m working on the whole decent human being with empathy thing, one day at a time (:
And believe me, no 5 series in my house (:
Definitely not complaining with my current situation, but I do still work for things I have
) and I really want to listen and understand, and I would prefer to not be a jackass, and I’m always working on that.