Hearing some of the conflicts that arise in training regimen, lust for more and more bikes, and escalating race costs, I feel very fortunate and blessed I have not only an understanding SO, but an encouraging one too. I know others have found encouraging SOs who are there for them and I am lucky to have found the same. Yet I have a question.
Our situation has her working in the gulf coast area while I finish up grad school on the east coast (I worked while she was in grad school, so she’s not a sugar-momma). We don’t see each other often, but she’s willing to fly to be by my side for a half IM next weekend in VA and the FLA half in May. She’s not a triathlete, but avidly runs and is getting into cycling, and insists she loves the atmosphere, event, etc. As you all know these race weekends are filled with scheduling, traveling stresses, etc. However, for the FLA half, we’re trying to work out a day at Disney World the day before.
I try to do my part and support her in her things in life (she says I do that just fine), but how do you all show your appreciation to the one who puts up with you being gone all Sat afternoon, coming home late on weekdays, and the PMS-like overtraining state every few weeks? Sure the rock on her finger ‘buys’ some of it, but I think I’ve used up all my credits
What are your stories of how you’ve given back to the one whos given you so much?
She really is great, and I just want to let her know that. This is a serious matter and not just a lovey-dovey thread. Taking someone (or something, eg. talent) for granted is probably something everyone here is guilty of at some point - the less any of us do it the better we all are.
I can speak from the viewpoint of the supportive SO. I have never found it a good idea to mix race weekends. I prefer to devote a race trip totally to the race for the good of both of us. Trying to fit in “other” activities has never worked for us. Sure, I find things to amuse myself at times, but I don’t expect my husband to “cater” to me. He is there to race and it is all about helping him do his best. I have made a lot of friends on my own over the years and I am never bored.
Instead I refer to enjoy non-race weekends that are totally to ourselves. A cruise, a beach weekend, visit friends, etc. Our kid is 26 and on her own so we do have the luxury of being flxible. Destination races, we tour after the race. These trips I get catered to…
After a race weekend, be especially attentive to her needs. If she likes flowers, bring her some after you get home with a “thanks for your support” card.
What do you want to go to Disney for? Its such a “Mickey Mouse” place. Plus they allow people to bring their kids and it ruins it for us adults.
tell her every day that you love her - that you appreciate her support and that by her being at the races means the world to you.
No use mincing words - just tell her as it is - it will mean a lot to her to hear it.
And on race days - and the days leading up - don;t let her feel un-fit because she is surrounded by athletes - tell her that she is more than capable of doing all of this too - but it doesn’t matter to you if she doesn’t - that you love her just the way she is
Flowers for “no reason” will melt almost any female’s heart. Anything outside of birthday, valentine’s, anniversary and ‘I’m Sorry’ is considered “no reason”. If they can be delivered to the work place where co-workers can see them, extra brownie points.
Oh, and they don’t have to be a huge $100 bouquet of roses. Simple and sweet.
I try to do the little things that others have mentioned. Make sure that every time we leave each other that we say “Love You”. Fresh flowers around the house. Setting up candles and incense in the bedroom to set the mood for romance. Fixing dinner and doing the dishes when she has had a long hard day at work.
In all honesty i could never pay Julia back for all that she has done for me. I did IMUSA in 04 and she contacted all my friends and family and had them send little words/phrases of encouragement to her work. Then when iIwas at the athletes meting she taped the signs all over our hotel room. And I do mean all over our hotel room. All the athletes staying at the hotel stopped by our room for inspiration. She even made a sign that said “It is not the size of the cat in the fight, but the size of the fight n the cat” She had taken our cats and placed thier paws in an ink pad so that the cats actually signed the sign.
I even made her spend 14 hours with my family the day of the race. She had met them for the 1st time 2 days before.
All I could do was ask her to marry me about 10 days after the race.
When I met my wife we were training for a college bike race, like little 500. I thought, wow…a girl who likes to ride! We married and have been in love ever since.
She doesn’t ride, dislikes exercise. She was only doing it because it was college. But she supports me in my pursuits. She even understands that her ring costs much less than any of my bikes.
The one thing that has allowed us to stay so happy is this…I respect her and encourage her to talk to me when she feels neglected due to my training or if I am neglecting the family. I wake up every day and evaluate my life. Am I spending too little time with her or the kids, am I spending too much money? I have to constantly evaluate my performance as a husband and father just like my performance as a athlete. I have decided that my role as a husband and father is more important than my role as a athlete.
You must make that choice everyday. If you cannot put her before your training and racing…then don’t get married! Don’t get me wrong…she has to give too.
The bad news is triathlon is a very consumptive sport on the time and money fronts. The time and money commitments go way beyond just the obvious.
The good news is it is a pretty healthy activity overall, very fullfilling, exemplery and if you don’t get too carried away something that can be part of your life for a long time.
Personal experience, has led me to be a bit wary of a SO’s, “total support” for your triathlon or any activity that chews up 10+ hours a week. You may be getting “total support” now, as you start out, but think down the road, 5, 10, 15 years or more. What will the situation be like then? What happens when kids come along? What happens when job commiments start to escalate significantly for one or both of you? What about aging parents? Who will have time to look after them?
I was listening to a radio talk show the other day about gambling addiction. There were several expert’s in the field of addiction talking specifically about gambling addictions and in general about addiction behaviour. What was somewhat scary was that if you line-up some of the behaviour of your typical triathlete, it’s skating pretty close, or in some cases over the line, to what could be called a clinical addiction to something!
My apologies for the sobering thoughts. Something to think about though.
It isn’t buying her flowers when she doesn’t expect it or negotiating some split of “this is mine this is yours”; it is telling her honestly - only if you can - that you’d give up triathlon in a heartbeat if she really wanted you to. And if she doesn’t want you to, make sure she knows that she could ask - and get it - any time she wanted.
I have to second Barrio’s post. Do little things for her all the time rather than one big thing every couple of months. Do stuff without her having to ask you. Make the bed, do the dishes, take out the garbage, make things easier for her to do her workouts (just because she’s not a triathlete doesn’t mean her workouts aren’t just as important), occasionally cancel a workout just to spend more time with her, make her breakfast, etc.
Also, massages are a great way to pay her back. Pick up a book on giving a great massage and get practicing on her.
