Another off topic relationship post

Triathlon Forum
1

Okay first off I’m posting mostly to give myself an opportunity to explain myself to myself. Also, I just love how it seems both parties get grilled on this forum and I am looking for that kind of feedback.

Here’s the sitch… the new love of my life (one month to the day into it…) hosted a Super Bowl party yesterday. The previous night I had enjoyed one too many cocktails and was suffering a bit of the cocktail flu as a result. Not ill, just felt about 20% of my normal energy and pretty brain dead.

So anywho, the party’s going on and she having a great time holding court with all of her guests. She’s totally ignoring me and… I notice and plan to speak to her about it later but I’m not upset given the fact that I’m pretty much incapable of conversation and dead wood at the party. I thought it was pretty much not an issue.

BUT also given the fact that I’m dead wood and not really contributing anything to the going’s on, or to her enjoyment, I feel like going home. It’s a 25 minute round trip drive so no biggie right? I catch her attention and let her know that I’d like to go home and do a couple of things and then I’ll come right back. Well, right away she’s upset so I ask, “Why is this a big deal?”. She pulls away and leaves me standing there.

So I do exactly as I had stated. I went home and came back. Well during my brief absence my, well intentioned I’m sure, but misguided, friends take it upon themselves to let her know I left because I was upset. Note that I had not expressed to them any such emotion. They just decided they knew what my motivations were and that it was appropriate for them to speak on my behalf. Also note that they had no clue about what my motivations were. So upon my return she pretty much continues to ignore me and continues to hold court… except for the fact that she tells me that my friends said I had left because she was ignoring me and that I hurt her and we are going to ‘talk’. I tell her they were not speaking for me and whatever they related to her had absolutely nothing to do with the reality of why I left. She pretty much dismisses this and seems to want to cling to her anger towards me over what my friends have said.

I’m thinking I’ll just head upstairs and go to sleep in a few. About half an hour goes by… right about then she pokes her head in the room (I’m vegging in another room on an overstuffed chair) and she informs me that I am not leaving and that we are going to talk later. I think to myself, “Odd, you’d think she ask instead of inform.”

This kinda planted a seed. After she issued her declaration I started thinking to myself, "Okay, I’m exhausted and there seem to be two possible outcomes.

  1. She’ll wake me up at God knows what hour when she’s done holding court and we’ll proceed to have a potentially unpleasant and long drawn out ‘talk’

  2. I can go home and get a very badly needed restful night’s sleep.

Option 2 sounded immeasurably more appealing to me than option 1. So, again I garner her attention and privately ask her to give me a reason to want to stay. I’m hoping for something like, “because I care about you”. Well let’s just say I was optimistic. No response. Still I’m completely confused because in my mind the only thing that has happened is… I was at a party and not contributing much so I decided to remove myself. She’s a tad tipsy as well as upset and so I decide any ‘discussion’ at this point can only lead to bad places. I tell her goodnight and she follows me out. She says, “If you leave that’s it we’re over”. I’m think to myself, “Uhoh the ultimatum”. She pretty much guaranteed the fact that I would be going home with that. We talk nonconstructively for a few minutes and I drive home.

So dear triathloneers and advice columnists… What’s your assessment?

Mine is to give her a call today and see if we can do some constructive talking.

2

One month and she’s already dealt out an ultimatum?

Do I need to explain what I think any further?

Can I possibly make another statement in the form of a question?

3

This one is easy. This Super Bowl party was a big deal to her. You got drunk the night before and were “hung over” or whatever and not able to be an active part of the events. If you really cared, you wouldn’t have gotten that drunk Saturday night or, you would have made a better effort to at least try and be more sociable. You only think about your own needs and are selfish (this will be her assesment, not mine). Admit to being totally at fault and promise to never do it again.

Good strategists lose battles and win wars.

Brett

4

Fuck that dude, if a relationship is gonna last and both parties are gonna be happy, then neither will have have any problem making small compromises to make things work. There shouldn’t be any battles or wars or winning in a truly happy relationship. The behavior you just described i might expect from some stupid/immature high school or even some college chicks. The day a girl ignores you is the day you get the hell outa that relationship. This girl’s silence towards you is screaming emotional and social insecurity, cont your blessings that it showed up this early and get outa there.

5

Sounds like a misunderstanding to me. She was upset based on what your friends told her which apparently was off base. Throw in some alcohol induced grumpiness and you have a good fight brewing. I say talk it over now that everybody is sober and/or recovered from the cocktail flu and see how it goes.

6

canneberra you have really got to kidding here.

you show up hung over late in the afternoon at a party the girl is throwing.

you are at 20% and contribute nothing to the party.

you are miffed because she DOES contribute to her own party ( “holds court”)

you say you are going to leave a big party for home 1/2 hour away, and when she indicates this is disappointing to her you leave anyway.

you come back, and go take a nap. (! wtf )

you yourself issue a demand " give me one good reason to stay " - and actually expect a sweetheart answer and you don’t get it are futher sorry for yourself.

she is at the end of her rope with you - and you turn it around into making her “issueing an ultimatum”. truly, a Piece of Work, that bit.

where, exactly did you think the girl was going to lovy up to you? when you were hung over and blah at her party? when you disdained her entertaining her guests? when you went home? when you came back and took a nap ??? etc etc wtf, dude?

7

Usually when a person thinks someone else is being selfish, they are too.

Ultimatums bother me. It’s essentially saying “If my way or I quit”, rather than working it out, or making a compromise.

I’m assuming the relationship is more than just a casual boyfriend/girlfriend by the language in the first paragraph.

Bro, I’m not saying to apologize for something you don’t feel you are sorry for. But, even I know if your lady is throwing a party … so are you (like it or not). Remember that for next time. Lady is throwing a party = you better mingle your ass off and act like it’s the happiest day of your life.

I wasn’t there, so maybe the ultimatum was just a flippant remark and nothing heart felt.

8

t-t-n,

I’m feeling the need to clarify a tad. But I lovin’ the viewpoints I’m getting, it’s exactly why I posted it, to get the views I obviously couldn’t get on my own.

I didn’t “Show up” I spent the night at her house (which is where I was drinking, with her the previous night. I just should have eaten dinner as I only had 4 cocktails).

I spent the morning spending time and money getting her house ready for the party. Happily I might add.

I wasn’t at all miffed at her enjoying her own party. It was her exclusion of me that had me a little bothered and I intended to talk with her later about it. (I had made several attempts to join in on her conversations with her and her guests and you know how you can either be included in the fraternity or not… well I was not and that’s what I wanted to discuss with her later).

I asked her to tell me why she was upset when I told her I was going to leave and return shortly, thereby giving her an opportunity to address the issue and she instead chose to walk away from me.

I didn’t take a nap, but I needed one badly. I was vegging out with her two sons in the other room.

I did issue a demand I guess, I told her what I needed and gave her an opportunity to care about what I needed (a reason to stay). But I don’t think I used a tone you infer when you say I said, “Give me one good reason to stay” What I said was “I need a reason to want to stay” but I can see how you could take that out of context since tone can be everything.

I’m not even going to address the “… her issue an ultimatum”. Although I do wish I had the power to direct other actions at times. :slight_smile:

And even though there was no disdain for her at anytime you make a good point about when did I expect her to be lovy (sic). Although I would have settled for just some acknowledgement.

Appreciate your views though, they do give me a perspective I wouldn’t have been able to manage on my own and offer some insight into what she may have perceived so thanks.

9

canneberra you have really got to kidding here.

you show up hung over late in the afternoon at a party the girl is throwing.

you are at 20% and contribute nothing to the party.

you are miffed because she DOES contribute to her own party ( “holds court”)

you say you are going to leave a big party for home 1/2 hour away, and when she indicates this is disappointing to her you leave anyway.

you come back, and go take a nap. (! wtf )

you yourself issue a demand " give me one good reason to stay " - and actually expect a sweetheart answer and you don’t get it are futher sorry for yourself.

she is at the end of her rope with you - and you turn it around into making her “issueing an ultimatum”. truly, a Piece of Work, that bit.

where, exactly did you think the girl was going to lovy up to you? when you were hung over and blah at her party? when you disdained her entertaining her guests? when you went home? when you came back and took a nap ??? etc etc wtf, dude?

I was going to post a reply and saw the response from ttn which says it all.

Try looking at from this perspective

Boy has party (which he spent alot of time and effort planning - and was very excited about it) - may be first time everyone sees bf and gf as a couple - bf cares what people think about his new gf.

Boys new gf is hungover and functioning at 20% - boy is embarrassed about very quiet hungover new gf - but continues to be the perfect host and maybe people won’t notice.

Gf then leaves party despite boy asking gf to stay (boy has to explain to all friends why hungover gf has left the party to go home and do some stuff - what can possibly be so important ?)

Gf comes back and goes to sleep (Boy has to explain to all friends why hungover gf who left party has come back, but has now gone to sleep)

Boy gets upset when hungover gf who left party, came back, went to sleep and now woken up accuses boy of issueing an ultimatum.

I gotta be honest I think you blew it and were in the wrong. Apologies and flowers all round are the order of the day

11

Female point of view - call her, apologize for not being more participatory (which you admittedly weren’t) and have that constructive talk.

12

Advice? You don’t need any advice. You need to GIVE ADVICE!

I don’t know where my list was I printed off about being a “No More Mr. Nice Guy” post here, but you are doing good.

(Cue the Richard Wagner symphony…“Ubermensch”…)

It’s only the sentimental, “soft males” who have relationship problems. You are confident, selfish, intelligent, analysing, self absorbed and probably scheming, all qualities, by the way, a successful, “fiery” triathlete, will have to have for training purposes, should you really get deep into a relationship. You set boundries. And don’t go by hers. You put yourself first. Although a personality like this is often under moral attack, and ganged up on (“her friends”), in the long run, they will be jealous or envious of your power(s).

You correctly spurned her before she went “histrionic” on you, a tactical success.

Expect a phone call from her, in fact, many phone calls.

Her statement: “If you leave, that’s it, it’s over” what that means is, “if you leave and spurn me, I’m not going to tell you this directly, but I am secretly at a loss of power to you, and I will do what you tell me to do, at your beck and call.”

13

Was there a stripper at this party?

14

ttn pretty much hit it on the head.

You need to call let her know that you were being selfish, you felt uncomfortable and in result made of a fool of her and yourself and that you are sorry.

Say something like “I know the party was important to you and that I would be meeting several of your friends for the first time. My behavior left much to be desired. It is inexcusable and must have left an awkward impression with your friends. Words cannot heal or erase what happened, but with time and your understanding and help I would appreciate another chance with you and your friends.”

People love helping other people. So the next time you are are going to be in a situation that will make you feel uncomfortable; ask her for help. Let her know that there may be times when you will get quiet and give her the reasons why you get that way. A mate that can recognize and support your through your weekest times is a mate you want to spend your life with.

15

This is after a MONTH? ONE MONTH? Time to take out that fishing pole and try to catch another. Think about what the potential is after a year.

16

She’s a self-important control freak. Cut your losses. Take it from someone who didn’t and paid the price big time.

17

Damn Tom, calm down buddy. I think I could feel you slamming the keys as you were thinking about this Ex of yours.

You are however right…this one needs to go.

18

Holmes… chill out and cut that off now. Sounds like you are in for an emotional roller coaster w/ this one. Should you give her the benefit of the doubt? Maybe… I wouldn’t. But then again, I am less compasionate as I have been burned b4.

HOnestly, sounds like a sketcy sitaution becasue it simply should not be that complicated.

Don’t let your emotions tie your shit up. Cut her off and make her chase you down. It might be hard, but don’t call her for a week. And see if she calls you.

Take some advice. Find another one. There are so freaking many hotties out there.

19

dead on tom, i think anyone who has been in, or narrowly avoided relationships with those kind of girls can recognize the warning signs immidiatly.

21

Head to head? More like Shimano looking up to Campy…

22

May I offer some insight into the female psyche? This is my guess:

Girl throws a party after one-month evaluation that the new guy is worth introducing to society. Let’s call it a SuperBowl party rather than “Boyfriend Presentation PartY”-> women don’t always say what they want, right? So in her mind your role is to be the gorgeous, handsome, outgoing, socializing, admirable, desirable, perfect-looking star of the party. She is expecting some Oscar-worthy performance from you - all that well in sync with her stunning appearance. She would never tell you though because that would be too direct and you would all of a sudden become self-conscious while this expected behavior is supposed to come to you naturally - just because it is you. (Female logic at work - in case you cannot follow…)

The desired post-party reaction from friends to her is something along these lines:
“You look so gorgeous together.”
“Oh, he is so cute.”
“You guys are going to be the couple of the 21st century.”
“Have you introduced him to your parents yet? Oh, your mother will be so excited!”

And you somewhat did not live up to the expectations and did not really meet the secret role requirements. No real blame on you - and preparing the house was really nice of you but you should have also taken those aspirins/had a McDonalds milk shake or whatever your most effective hangover remedy is and just pulled yourself together instead of being the shadow boyfriend who did not work the crowd…

Now, get out your fancy outfit and take her out for dinner to a yuppie place - or whatever place where you two TOGETHER can be seen and earn those “Whow, what a perfect, gorgeous couple!”-looks.

Ok, ok, I may have exaggerated a bit but only a bit…

I don’t think this is a lost cause yet - as long as you can live with being a trophy boyfriend for now and she does not show immediate warning signs of a real bitch. In order to assess that you might have to present her to your trusted circle of women friends (all those who always qualify as “being one of the guys”) and you will get that invaluable honest insight into your girlfriend’s (female) psyche…

More than you ever wanted to know…
Maybe you want to go on an all-guys group ride now instead…