I am an elite age grouper and am entitled to go to Kona. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve raced for a few years. Thanks to my trust fund, I’ve got the best equipment money can buy including at least seven different bike devices with “power” in their name, a custom made titanium frame which is the bomb, both an on line and in person coach, my own personal wind tunnel and a personal dietician who prepares all my meals. I don’t even know how to use half the things I’ve bought. Hell, I even pretended to have asthma so my doctor could prescribe me an inhaler.
I’m fast, damn fast. I usually win my local races unless that decrepit old prick, Jerome, shows up (ex pro). And that is my problem with you ex pro’s. We don’t stand a chance against you. A couple of years ago in Bend, I raced flying high on EPO and fish tranquilizers, against you Mr. Larson and I had the best day of my life yet still didn’t come within sniffing distance of your chamois. Even if you had the worst day of your life with secretions seeping out of your every orifice, I still couldn’t beat you and that is the problem. I’m entitled to a Kona spot and ex pro’s are unfair competition to us elite age groupers. I’m willing to earn my spot but I feel I should be able to handpick my competition.
Which brings to mind another of my pet peeves… Jim, Steve, Jerry, Frank and all you other jerks who screwed me out of a Kona spot the last couple of years, what the hell are you thinking? You should be pros, you are fast enough and just because you are too big of a pussy to compete against them you shouldn’t have a right to compete against us elite ag’ers. Don’t give me this crap about work and family commitments; that is one of the reasons I got a trophy wife, just to shut you guys up. (BTW, the trophy wife is the best thing I’ve ever done. She meets me at the end of races, gives me a cold one, prepares a comfortable chair and gives me a foot massage). Any so called ag’er who is around 10 hours in an IM is a pro whether they are declared or not and thus should not be able to take my Kona spot away.
And what about you fast swimmers who suck on the bike? You guys piss me off. I’m sick of hearing about how you swam competitively at some Div III tractor pulling, shit eating, mid western college. When me and my buds are riding in a pack, we’re entitled to a clear path and we don’t appreciate having to swerve around you guys. If you cannot hold your place coming out of the water then get the hell out of my triathlon. Enter a masters swim meet if you want to relive your glory days.
Women are also a big problem as evidenced at 1/2 Vineman recently. Some of my buds from older age groups complained about how they spend most of their bike ride passing up the women from earlier swim waves. How would you like to live with yourself knowing that your slow fat butt caused me to lose a precious second while I attempted to pass you, causing me to miss out on my Kona spot? If you ladies cannot compete with the big boys then get the hell out. Enter your Danskin female only races and keep the course clear for us elite age groupers.
Basically all you slow people are pathetic. I should have the ability to qualify for Kona at the race of my choosing and one that is convenient for me and my training schedule. Based on how my training is progressing during the Spring, I should be able to hand pick my qualifier race but all you slow people filling up the races a year ahead of time really cramps my style. You guys are just like those lame team in training types who feel they have a right to fill up races so they can walk their way to some type of personal vision quest at the expense of us real athletes. So what if you are 80 years old with two hip replacements (cry me a river), you should not get a Kona spot when you finish 5 ½ hours behind an elite athlete like myself.
People of color? Fortunately our sport does a good job excluding you already due to the economics of the sport. It would probably be wrong to codify this and I guess having a sprinkling of non white males at a race shows that the sport is open to all which is a good thing, blah, blah, blah but I know one thing for sure, I’m sure as hell not going to lose a spot to some black guy.
Thanks for listening, I’m heading back to my wind tunnel. I’m testing out the aerodynamics of clipped fingernails vs my patented aero nail design. I bet you are jealous.