“so she’s on her way to her family home, and presumably i’ll go when i can, to lend support and attend whatever services are had.”
Bad idea. The circumstances will make you feel like a dick, but don’t. Just get out. NOW.
You need to stop being nice and tell her what you think and why… if she gets hurt, angry, sad, etc… it’s her own fault, you cannot control other people’s emotions/reactions. As long as you’re not being a dick about it, you will be doing the right thing.
And right now, since she’s moving, you being happy is the only thing that really matters for you.
wow, Tom. the turning on you as opposed to turning to you is a serious problem. perhaps counseling is what she needs for herself. the “don’t bother to come up this weekend” thing is really bothersome to me. perhaps from a distance she can work on herself and you can recover. i do believe that when you live togehter and it just doesn’t work out–that’s a huge sign that it probably never will.
some women are just incredibly complicated and full of insecurity. high maintenance in my book, really is a bad thing. that’s why my female friends are stronger, tougher, resilent–and oddly enough, not married. they feel confident on their own and don’t require maintenance.
while I’m sad for your situation, I’m happy that you didn’t get married or something like this. the realtionship is a sad reality, but man you are so much better of. while I’m reluctant to say it–turning on you is abusive. and no matter how much you do, or how logically/passionately you approach her, it will never be enough.
there’s a better one for you, I promise. let it come to you. you’ve done all you can on this one, now it’s time for you to recover and move on.
even though you have feelings for her, do not allow her to abuse you because her family member died. you are not a punching bag, nor do you owe it to her to take that. let her go, and if you’re upset and she continues to mistreat you, do not accept her calls. your company will support you. again, it sounds mean, but at some point the abuse has to stop–and her doing this to you is abuse.
best, kittycat
some women are just incredibly complicated and full of insecurity. high maintenance in my book, really is a bad thing. that’s why my female friends are stronger, tougher, resilent–and oddly enough, not married. they feel confident on their own and don’t require maintenance.<<
Kittycat, we need to meet. You, I, and our various friends would get along great.
clm
yes, but you also don’t want to be the “her grandmother died, so I decided to stay. that was five years ago, and now I’m miserable in this shit relationship” guy.
the reality is that her grandmother’s passing could easily become a vehicle of excuse for both of you. so, stay the course, offer your support–but if the abuse starts, end it and walk away. do not let yourself take further abuse. her grandmother’s death could become an enabler for both of you. don’t do it–get out before you get stuck.
the writing is on the wall. take control of your life, and do not be the one she takes it out on.
ackowledge the loss, feel it, but don’t be abused because of it–or think you owe her in any way, because you don’t.
kittycat
thanks Cathy. I get good vibes form you too…I’m sure we’d all get along great! (we’re a rare breed, you know 
)
At the risk of sounding sexist…Hot chicks are a pain in the ass, man - are you just now figuring this out? And the hotter that they are, the more insecure that they are. Present company excluded, of course (you have to be pretty secure to a. race and b. race so much that you waste time talking about racing in between races on the internet).
So you dated a girl, it was great, then you got to know her and now it sucks. Is this not how it is for everyone? Am I by myself here in saying that this is normal?
yeah I’d probably think the same, not wanting to be “the bf who ditched me when my grandparent died”.
But to be honest, no matter what, the timing is ALWAYS wrong. If its over, end it and don’t go. If you want, send some flowers or something to the service/parents - if they respect you the way you do about them, I’m sure they’ll understand.
some women are just incredibly complicated and full of insecurity. high maintenance in my book, really is a bad thing. that’s why my female friends are stronger, tougher, resilent–and oddly enough, not married. they feel confident on their own and don’t require maintenance.
Don’t take this this wrong way, but I think this is a pretty demeaning statement. I am as low maintenance, as tough, as confident as they get. And I’m married. And while I see the types of women you describe (hi maintenance, need to be taken care of, etc.), I think it’s a great disservice to associate high maintenance/weak/unresilient/unconfident women with marriage, as if all married women must be “those” kinds of women.
I just don’t like the idea of seeing “married=loser”. For what it’s worth, kittycat, I do see a lot of resemblance between you and me (and others, like Ironclm). I’m sure that’s not what you intended, but it could be read that way…
My 2 cents.
AP
Age difference, if I were to bet - that’s all. I think that kittycat is in that age range in which many women begin to define themselves through marriage, rather than defining themselves and then getting married if they find the right person. It takes alot of age and maturity to be able to do that.
“some women are just incredibly complicated and full of insecurity. high maintenance in my book, really is a bad thing. that’s why my female friends are stronger, tougher, resilent–and oddly enough, not married. they feel confident on their own and don’t require maintenance.”
Where were all these ladies when I lived in Ohio!!! I know, I know Hiding from me right?
You’re probably right. Being 20-something vs. 30-something is a big difference in all those areas… like the 20yr olds who get married and become shells of women…? yeah I’ve seen them too. I can see how the message could have intended something like that.
Ahhh, relationships. You know… it’s all about what’s good for ME. And when it is no longer good enough for me, or a bigger, better deal comes along- it is time to leave.
I feel bad for you, and her. I truly do.
When relationships end I often think, “What do these people think they are going to “find” that they couldn’t create on their own with some time and effort?”
What does the future hold for a couple like Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt? Who will they be with? How will it be any better than what they could have had?
The grass is always greener, people “grow apart” and the world is full of more and more people like me who have conversations with cats and wonder, for years and years, “what if…?”
And I fell bad for you, and sometimes I even feel a little bad for me.
yes, but you also don’t want to be the “her grandmother died, so I decided to stay. that was five years ago, and now I’m miserable in this shit relationship” guy.
Where were you a few years ago? I became that guy, except it was the father who died in a plane crash and it only took me a year and a half to get out. The situation sucks, but you have to understand that you can do nothing for her, you can not control her, you can not fix her. She has to take control of her own life. Trying to get her into counseling only creates a dependency. Taking care of yourself in this situation sounds harsh. However, it’s the only thing you can do.
IMHO, people demand perfection from their mates, and when they turn out to be as flawed as we all are, they nuke the site from orbit. There seems so little patience for putting up with foibles.
But actually, over time, the romantic stuff makes way for companionship and friendship, and it seems to be that is how you build a long term partnership. Much like triathlon, you check your ego at the door and give it your best shot. You have to learn how to be wrong, and accept your own flaws, and how to make way for the other person. And if you can do that consistently, then you have a chance to build something great.
The other thing is that many folks are much happier being single, and it urks me when they are made to feel like they don’t measure up because of this. IMO this is relationship or marriage fascism and I don’t like it.
My .02c worth.
Not to go on a tangent here but…kittycat, why did you stop signaturing your posts with “Meowwwww”? I loved that!
I have plenty to add to this post but I will refrain because others have said some very wise words.