wintershade wrote:
First of all, wow! I just want to express my gratitude for everyone who has weighed in here and shared their personal stories. I must have hit on a topic that many have wrestled with, as I've never started a thread on any forum that's generated so many responses.
To summarize what I've taken away so far:
0) Heed the warning shot. I don't want to end up divorced. I love my wife. She's an incredible person, and honestly I probably don't deserve her.
1) Figure out if my wife's complaint about triathlon is really the tip of an iceberg (which it is, more below)
2) Have an candid discussion about is a "reasonable" amount of training, and potentially focus on shorter distance races (or single sport races) depending on time permitted by wife
3) Try to do that training at more convenient times for the family, and talk about training/racing A LOT less
4) Make it clear I'm putting my family (and work) ahead of triathlon (or any of my other self pursuits for that matter)
There were lots of questions asked of me, which I'll try to answer.
-- Could this be the tip of the iceberg? -- YES, it is. Whoever asked this should be a psychologist! I spoke to her last night, and she said the triathlon obsession is just a symptom of a more troubling disease. When we got married, we promised we'd be "equal partners" in domestic duties since we're both career driven, and she doesn't feel like I'm pulling my weight, especially since our son was born. She's a fast-rising jr partner at a top management consulting firm (works 65-80 hrs/wk with a ton of travel). I also have a demanding high pressure job but her hours are worse. Apparently, she feels like she has "three jobs: work, domestic chores, and now a baby" but I only have two jobs: "Work, and triathlon, which isn't a job because it's fun." So good to know where all this is coming from because now we can address the underlying issue, and I'm going to sign up for more chores around the house. This was all news to me, so if nothing else good comes out of this, at least we'll solve for that
-- Did my wife know about triathlon before we got married? Not really. She knew I was an athlete as a kid through college (and that Ironman broke up my post-college relationship of 4 years), but I was injured when I met my spouse. Except for the last 18 months, I wasn't training/racing. So she might say, "I didn't sign up for this." Shortly after we started dating, I was sidelined by two surgeries from overuse injuries, and didn't train for anything for most of the decade we've known each other. Since I couldn't do triathlons, I started racing cars at a high level (which was also very selfish, time consuming and WAY more expensive), but after a crash that could have killed me around when we started trying to get her pregnant, wife asked me to stop, which seemed reasonable. Needing a competitive outlet, I figured I'd give running a shot again, started with a 10K and worked my way back up to Ironman over about a year.
-- Can I compete at the highest level if I can't run a sub-3hr marathon "yet"? Well, the truth is, that's not what matters to me. My goal is not to be the fastest man in the world, but to discover how fast I can be and how far can I go. I don't yet know my potential, because just when I was getting into things hardcore in college and making progress, I blew out my knee running. My genes are good. My dad held track and field records that were only recently broken. I had my VO2 max tested in college as part of an academic study, I forget the VO2 max number but it was in 99% percentile so I know I have a big aerobic engine. Will I be an IM AG World Champ, probably not. Could I KQ? Maybe. But again, all I really want to know is.... how far can this sack of flesh carry me.
There reason I'm here, asking these questions, is because I know that in the end (having volunteered in hospice when I was younger) is almost everyone treasures most the time the spent with the people they love, not the their selfish achievements. The happiest ones were the once who find balance between feeling like they lived up to their potential while putting their loved ones first.
There is some good advice here about how to do it.
The plan that's resonated with me most so far is -- using shorter events (maybe Olympic distance or a mix of half-marathon + shorter/fun crits or gravel riding) to stay in shape for the next 10-15 years, then retire early and use all the free time to train for Ultraman etc. But key to that plan is keeping the body healthy, especially given my history of overuse injuries which historically have been my main limiter.
It sounds like you know what to do but you don’t like the answer.
I think we understand. We are all driven and give it our best shot.
Think of this as a cramp that will force you to slow down. Once your kids are in school, you will have more time.