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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [support crew] [ In reply to ]
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Ok, I misunderstood your intent. Have a good one!

-Mike
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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I'm a working ironmom and spouse of an ironman. It takes a team to make an ironman. Family, friends, riding partners etc are all part of the team. Cheer him on in his quest of a dream--he will do the same thing for you as you persue your dreams. In the mean time, buy a bike and ride his recovery rides with him or go to the gym with him. Join him in his quest to make himself better--and in return make your family better and stronger. My husband is not training for an IM this year, but he paddles the kayak while I ow swim, he rides a couple of hours with me on my long rides and rides my shorter rides with me. I run/gym before dawn while my kids are asleep. Team work is the key.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [ironmom5] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I'm a working ironmom and spouse of an ironman. It takes a team to make an ironman. Family, friends, riding partners etc are all part of the team. Cheer him on in his quest of a dream--he will do the same thing for you as you persue your dreams. In the mean time, buy a bike and ride his recovery rides with him or go to the gym with him. Join him in his quest to make himself better--and in return make your family better and stronger. My husband is not training for an IM this year, but he paddles the kayak while I ow swim, he rides a couple of hours with me on my long rides and rides my shorter rides with me. I run/gym before dawn while my kids are asleep. Team work is the key.

But for the love of all that is good - he can't cross the finish line with you. That $#*@@ will cost you 4 minutes in the name of "teamwork"!!!!!!!

And be careful. We are only a few posts from another R10C proposal.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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I'm not married and this is why! When a girl I'm dating starts to get resentful of my hobbies, I know its time for her to go... cause the last thing I want is a whiny, passive-aggressive wife. Too bad your husband didn't see this coming.

If I were you, I'd be at that race smiling and cheering my rear end off because he may just meet his second mrs. ironwidow

Don't you have some chores to do?
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [support crew] [ In reply to ]
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My husband is bald also! I WAS MAKING A POINT! Judging people based on appearances is shallow. Jusy because someone is overweight OR bald does not make them less of a person! In my mind NEITHER is ugly.

Joe isn't bald he's more aero!
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [bigRingKing] [ In reply to ]
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I'm going to give an opinion from a female Ironman's point of view.

Ironwidow, my husband would've heard you loud and clear. However, before I go any farther, even as a woman, I have to agree with everybody else, even with training, there's no such thing as too tired for sex.
Ok, that out of the way. My husband and I split up for a brief period in Janurary, one of our problems, I train too much and am never around. I agreed to not do IMKY this year. In late February, he saw how much I missed even the thought of doing it and told me I should do it after all. It was game on for me! In June, another split with a "Come to Jesus" meeting. His words to me, " I want the woman that I married back!" I feel it took alot of guts for him to tell me that. This time I said ok and sent in my letter to Ironman Corp. informing them of my withdraw. It was hard. It was painful. I still feel a gnawing in the pit of my stomach over not doing IMKY this year. But I also know my heart would hurt worse over not having my husband for the rest of my life. I had to put things into perspective. I will never earn a living or place in the top 10 of my age group. Ironman is bragging rights only for me. My husband is everything to me. I realise how much he and my family sacrifice for me to do tri's. So I met him halfway. 1/2 IM's and shorter from now on. Don't get me wrong - it sucks not doing what I want to do, but the flipside is much worse.
And for those of you who will probably have something to say to this post - the splits were my idea - not his. I saw we were both unhappy and needed a break to cool off and then clear the air. We can't always get to do everything we want in life. What's more important? Reaching a compromise or losing the love of your life because you couldn't see past your own goals?

Amyfit
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [non_sequitur] [ In reply to ]
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Joe isn't bald; his hair follicles can't keep up with him.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [support crew] [ In reply to ]
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Sue, I always joke with my wife and others that if she got "fat", I would divorce her. This is my joking to try and support
her to eat healthy, do a little exercise, and keep the weight off. She has family issues caused by weight, so it sure makes sense
for her to work at it. I know when she lost some weight a few years back when she was dealing with teeth repair issues, she
really liked the comments she got, so she works hard trying to be good with the food she eats.

But, if she gained weight or anything that was not her fault, I love what is inside the most!!

Dave

Dave Campbell | Facebook | @DaveECampbell | h2ofun@h2ofun.net

Boom Nutrition code 19F4Y3 $5 off 24 pack box | Bionic Runner | PowerCranks | Velotron | Spruzzamist

Lions don't lose sleep worrying about the sheep
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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Might I suggest that you find a hobby?

Craig Preston - President / Preston Presentations
Saving the world with more professional, powerful, and persuasive presentations - one audience at a time.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [support crew] [ In reply to ]
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I don't know SC... As for the OP: I smell a copy-and-paste...

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Some are born to move the world to live their fantasies...

https://triomultisport.com/
http://www.mjolnircycles.com/
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [amyfit] [ In reply to ]
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What I do not understand is why does one have to do so much training for an IM? I did 6 hours per week
and had a decent race. Could you not have put a goal to do the IM to have fun, no time goal, and
only train like a person who is doing it for fun?

I know I stopped my long stuff not that I could not do well, or do not train for it now, ( I now average about 15 hours a week training),
and only do Oly or sprint distance stuff. I do the training that I enjoy, and fits into the family schedule. Not how many hours I am supposed
to do for what distance. I do the training to try and stay healthy. The racing is icing on the cake. Now, with the shorter stuff,
my wife does not have to waste any entire day for me. We go, I race, and we get to have lunch together, and home in time
to still do something during the day.

Oh well, took me a while to figure the above out, but we both are much happier.

Dave

Dave Campbell | Facebook | @DaveECampbell | h2ofun@h2ofun.net

Boom Nutrition code 19F4Y3 $5 off 24 pack box | Bionic Runner | PowerCranks | Velotron | Spruzzamist

Lions don't lose sleep worrying about the sheep
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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you can't be my ironman widow, she can't spell as good as you.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [amyfit] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
However, before I go any farther, even as a woman, I have to agree with everybody else, even with training, there's no such thing as too tired for sex.

Ok, I'll be the first to fess up ~ not that my sex life isn't good, but sometimes I really am just too tired for sex.

...and I KNOW you guys (and gals) are lying if you say you're not! ;-)
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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To all those who took my post seriously, thank you. Your kindness actually brought tears to my eyes. It helped to read that the end of training can look the bleakest. We're five weeks from race day, and--obviously--I'm cracking. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only spouse to lose it at this point.

My husband is a lovely person. We've had many discussions about these issues over the years, and things do get a bit better for a little while afterward. But when my blowups blow over, he has a tendency to descend back into the pit of Ironman obsession, where it feels very hard to reach him. It isn't even just the 25 hours a week he spends training (though that doesn't help); it's his apparent inability to think or talk about anything but IM even when he's not in the middle of a workout. It's wearing me out.

And for those of you who think I'm not supportive enough, you're wrong. My husband would say--and does say, behind my back, where I know he means it--that I'm very supportive. I even took up triathlon myself, which was something no one would have EVER predicted I'd do. I have plenty of hobbies, I'm an awesome mom, I have interesting work. I just really, really miss my husband.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [h2ofun] [ In reply to ]
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Just so we're straight, your wife has "family issues caused by weight" and you joke that if she ever got "fat" you'd divorce her?


Thanks to Euro-Sports for my H3Cs.

http://www.euro-sports.ca
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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People who think their life has NEVER been out of balance due to triathlon are probably either single, divorced, or slow. IMHO, slow is the best option. This post does serve as a reminder to all of us about keeping the balance.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [boney] [ In reply to ]
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Bad choice of words. There is no real weight issue even though anyone can get fat if they eat too much and do not exercise correctly.
They have some risk for diabetes (?), which having excess weight does not help the odds.

Now my wife started giving me a bad time when I lost weight for boston. I smiled and told her I still weighed about 20 lbs
more than when she knew me in high school..

I was just offering to Sue that we all joke on stuff. It will not be long before I shave my head since it keeps falling out
and at some point I give. :o(

Now, I do believe we have a BIG issue with weight in our society, and we need to be honest that many are not for any reason other
than they eat too much. I still think we should be charged for our airplane tickets by weight. I might as well get something for
being such a bean pole. Smile

Dave

Dave Campbell | Facebook | @DaveECampbell | h2ofun@h2ofun.net

Boom Nutrition code 19F4Y3 $5 off 24 pack box | Bionic Runner | PowerCranks | Velotron | Spruzzamist

Lions don't lose sleep worrying about the sheep
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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Dear Ironman Widow:

It does sound like your husband has a serious addiction issue. There is more to life than Ironman. And he will unfortunately realize later in life just how much he has missed because of his obsession. It is no different at times than an alcohol addiction.

The only way to break the addiction though is either he is going to admit that he has a problem (no one should consistently train 25 hours a week), or worst yet he will be forced to stop training and racing due to health issues.

I am an IM athlete, and competitive, and I also (like other female posters on the list) have had to adjust my training around the family. The family does not adjust around my training, and I also am fortunate enough to have a husband who is as fast as I am so we can train together from time to time.

Family should always come first.

I've retired from IM racing for a few years (or for forever unless my son decides to do one) because I have found that they just aren't that much fun to do anymore.

My question to everyone on this list who does them - is an event where you have to focus on managing your resources really a race? I mean the goal is to get to the finish line in one piece, and hope that you had a better day than the next person in front or behind you. Is this a race? It's a race for yourself, but that's about it in my opinion. BORING.

A real race is where you start and go as fast as you can....then see who is the fastest at the end. It's where you don't count calories, don't keep HR in zone 2, and where all you see is red all throughout the race. That is a race.

Debi Bernardes

Owner, UCANDOIT Coaching Group, LLC
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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Is that you dear?

Did Oprah have a show recently about living with an Ironman? Is this causing you to see things that aren't really there? Did you hear about how much training many people do for an Ironman and convince yourself that I would need to do the same? Did you read somewhere that all Ironmen train for 30 hours a week and lose all zest for life? Did you read somewhere that in order to do an Ironman one must hire a coach and spend money recklessly on all things swim/bike/run? Surely you were informed that the only way I can get through all the training to do an Ironman is to have weekly massages and physiotherapy and yoga, lest the pain become unbearable? Did somebody tell you that holdiays would be cancelled once I sign up to do an Ironman? Did someone mention that training for an Ironman will make me so tired that they will skip all chores, ignore their wife and kids, and become a cranky grouch?

I'm sure you have been told all of these things, and others. You must have been, since that is the only reason I can think of that you would believe it all and it has become, in your mid at least, a self fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps I shouldn't have signed up to participate in an Ironman this year. I'm sure that if I cancelled the two trips to the pool each week, the 3-5 hours of running that happens each week while you're sleeping, and the 2 or 3 times I ride my bike each week I would free up enough time to play with the kids twice every night, give them 2 baths a night, get up with them twice in the middle of the night, feed them breakfast twice, take them to school twice, feed them dinner twice, mow the lawn twice (once each way, you know, to get the nice checkerboard pattern), take the kids to swimming lessons twice as often, and maybe even be rested enough to work up the nerve to make advances on you and be rejected for sex twice a night. With all the money we save from my indulgent habit we could probably even go to Europe twice, what a better education for the boys than to walk the streets of Rome and Paris and London - once they reach adulthood, in another 13 or more years they'll look back so fondly on this time, as will we, I'm sure.

I don't think you sound mad, a little selfish, maybe. I know that when I put on my glasses in the morning, the world looks quite a bit different to me...
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
To all those who took my post seriously, thank you. Your kindness actually brought tears to my eyes. It helped to read that the end of training can look the bleakest. We're five weeks from race day, and--obviously--I'm cracking. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only spouse to lose it at this point.

My husband is a lovely person. We've had many discussions about these issues over the years, and things do get a bit better for a little while afterward. But when my blowups blow over, he has a tendency to descend back into the pit of Ironman obsession, where it feels very hard to reach him. It isn't even just the 25 hours a week he spends training (though that doesn't help); it's his apparent inability to think or talk about anything but IM even when he's not in the middle of a workout. It's wearing me out.

And for those of you who think I'm not supportive enough, you're wrong. My husband would say--and does say, behind my back, where I know he means it--that I'm very supportive. I even took up triathlon myself, which was something no one would have EVER predicted I'd do. I have plenty of hobbies, I'm an awesome mom, I have interesting work. I just really, really miss my husband.
IMHO
If your issue is non training conversation then you definitely need to workout w/ said hubby on recovery days.
There is an old runners adage: talk about running when you are not, talk about anything but running when you are.
cycling is pretty much the same and it just to hard to have an intelligible conversation when you are swimming...


...
Run like you stole something
Formerly Fueled by ZYM
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [h2ofun] [ In reply to ]
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Gotcha. As for the societal weight issues.....living in Canada, I am scared of "your" (U.S.) McD's super sized meals, they are jsut plain frightening.

And, so as not to hijack, the OP is a troll, or in a relationship that will fail soon.


Thanks to Euro-Sports for my H3Cs.

http://www.euro-sports.ca
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Working, cooking a nutritious dinner every night, keeping the house clean and in good repair, paying the bills, showing up at all the kids' activities
So you are both working - but he is not contributing to the chores or going to the kids' events? He has decided that household/family duties will not cut into *his* triathlon hobby, but it's okay that they cut into *your* hobbies?

Wow.

Thanks for your courage to speak your mind. I hope it has helped you to define or articulate feelings to express to him directly.

[Winter/"offseason": His turn to do all the household and child duties?]
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [support crew] [ In reply to ]
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FYI - you can love someone but lose the physical attraction when your partner balloons to 180 ... that is not shallow.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [MuffinTop] [ In reply to ]
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Absolutely, I understand the point you are trying to make to all of the Ironmen out there BUT I have a huge issue with you NOT taking this up with the one person who it really should be brought up to...YOUR HUSBAND. I think the act of you posting this exemplifies something that might be a deeper issue than this race and the amount of training your family is dealing with. My father wasnt around a whole lot as a kid because he WORKED and TRAVELED as much as I train for my ironman (and your husband probably does)...but my parents knew how to communicate (and my mom had a huge pair) to be able to say, HEY, YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME FOR A LITTLE BIT...its not being a bitch, its being up front, honest, and DIRECT. Men don't react well to emotional rantings or indirect conversations so stop whining, be creative in your relationship and figure out how to make it work because the love someone has for an ironman race isnt the same kind of love for another person...but its damn near addicting...As a woman and as a triathlete i'd really like you to step up and be the kind of woman an Ironman needs...someone who has endurance and strength whether it be physical or emotional.
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Re: Letter from an Ironman widow [IronWidow] [ In reply to ]
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IronWidow,

We were just having a discussion about someone stopping IM Training on the TRI-DRS email list; they chose to take a DNS because the training was just getting to be too much. I once made the mistake of going too far, and shared that story. Even though this could be the ultimate catalyst at a place like ST, I've got nothing to lose by sharing it.

Have your husband read this. I hope it helps.

---------------

I never wrote a race report for Ironman USA 2003. I did write a short Xtri piece, but that was it. There was so much going on outside of IM - so many things - I had no business being there.

I've never written this out, but after 5 years, I think I can probably talk about the backstory. Some of you know, but most of you don't.

After IMC 2001, I had decided with Lynda that I wasn't going to go back to IM until we'd had a baby. That after 4 years of racing IM's every summer, now it was time to step back and be a regular person for awhile. We'd just bought our house, and it needed lots of work. She'd been an IM widow every year in June, July, and August since we were first dating, and now it was
time to finally give the big stuff a rest.

Until Tupper Lake 2002. We spent some time in Lake Placid after Tupper Lake, and I got sucked back in. Hanging out there eating ice cream while watching people train all around me, I wasn't strong. I didn't even try to fight it. I turned right back around on everything I said and promised and asked, "Can we come back?"

There was no baby yet. We'd been trying for 8 months, but it would work out sooner or later. The house still needed lots of work, but there I was, asking to go right back into the Ironman summer once again, as if everything would magically be okay. That somehow I'd be able to work the hours of training into everything else we were already doing.

Of course, St. Lynda said yes. She knew it mattered to me, and even though I still think she didn't want to say yes, she said yes.

It would be great. I was determined to make this one great. I rented a house, and filled it with friends. We'd do it right. We'd have a great time.

When Spring of 2003 rolled around, there was still no baby. The house still wasn't done (foolishly, I hadn't yet learned that the house is never done). The stress level was picking up. Questions were starting to come up more and more. "What's wrong with us? Why isn't this working?" It wasn't helping that friends all around us were suddenly pregnant, and always asking, "So what's going on with you guys?"

It should have been easy. It should have happened already.

We started going to doctors, looking for answers. All while I was trying to train. Trying to focus. Trying to find energy that was suddenly no longer available, because there were too many things fighting for my attention.

In May I seriously started to think about bailing, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't imagine that not starting an IM would be better than finishing one, even in bad shape. So I pushed on, even though I was starting to hate the workouts. It didn't help that it was a brutal Spring; record rainfall. Every ride was wet. Every run was wet.

The training was not an escape anymore - the training was a sentence. Something to be endured. It wasn't fun.

But I stuck with it. I had to. I didn't know how to back off. I didn't know how to stop. I saw the signs, but ignored them, foolishly thinking that if I just kept going, everything would be fine. It was one of those strategies that, while fine for a race, often backfires in real life.

So race week finally arrived. We had a house full of friends. It was going to be great, yes? Of course it would. Eric and Amy, Tricia Richter and Skippy, Katie Hobson and her Mom, Matt Hennigan and his girlfriend Tracy. Eric and Amy had their newborn son, Benjamin, all of 8 weeks old.

Lynda and I spent a lot of time looking at Benjamin. Holding him as he slept. Watching Eric and Amy hold their little new life.

Lynda and I also spent a lot of time upstairs in our room, crying. Wondering. Asking, why? Why is it do easy for everyone else, and so impossible for us? What if that will never BE us?

It was then that I realized that I'd taken us completely down the wrong road.

I had no right to be here when my life needed more attention in a completely separate direction. I had been selfish, stupid, shortsighted, and completely forgotten the most important thing - family comes first. And now it was too late; there we were, with nowhere to go. Stuck watching two close friends hold their new son, wondering why nature was turning her back
to us. Stuck with no way to back up time and say, "Do over!"

When the rains came on race day and we were all out there fighting through the endless waves of wind and downpours, all I could think about was Lynda, Matt, Tracy, my Mom, Rich - everyone I'd brought there, and for what? So they could stand out in the rain for 14 hours, watching me come completely unglued? So they could watch me have a personal worst? So instead of
counting out time to our first child, they could stand there and watch a countdown that mattered to no-one, not even me?

On the second lap of the marathon, way out in the far reaches of River Road in the darkness, between the spotlights, I finally had the nervous breakdown I'd been waiting for. I was so far back, it didn't matter. There wasn't anyone to see it. I just curled up in a little ball of Mylar at the side of the road, and lost it. I just went to the zoo and let it all flow out. Screams, sobs, knee-hugging, meltdown.

For the baby we weren't having. For the group of people I'd brought there for such a miserable day. For how I'd managed to completely lose the plot for my own selfish goals - and I didn't NEED it! I'd finished 5 IM's already! What the hell did I want with
another one when there was so much more I needed to be paying attention to?

It wasn't more than 40 seconds or so, but it had to happen.

For years Ironman had been the thing that had built me up and made me believe I could do anything I wanted. But now Ironman was showing me that I'd gone too far, and asked for too much.

IMC 2001 had left everything on a high note; I'd PR'ed. We'd had a great vacation in Olympic National Park. It was our "last trip" before the baby would come.

IM-USA 2003 would be the race that would burn all those good memories to the ground.

I had no business being there. I hadn't been able to train or concentrate. I wasn't ready to race, and never was going to be. The rain just served to drive that point home. I never should have gone to the start line that year. I didn't have the right mindset, and didn't have enough room in my life to try and squeeze in something as all-encompassing as Ironman. But I
didn't think about it - I just assumed that everything would get out of the way, like it always had before.

Stupid, selfish, short-sighted. A mistake on the scale I hope to make only once in a lifetime.

I did finish that day - I had to. Once I made it to the second lap, there was no quitting. After dragging Lynda through another summer I promised there wouldn't be, a DNF would not be worthy. It was a personal worst, but ironically, it turned out to be my best finish picture in all my IM's. I think it was the only time I smiled all day.

http://www.bobmina.com/.../IMLP2003_Finish.jpg

The next day, the sun came out. The sky was a beautiful, clear, perfect Adirondack blue. Eric and Amy packed up little Benjamin, and headed for home. We would head to the awards dinner, but I don't remember much of anything. I just wanted to get out of town, and forget about it all.

We didn't know it, but there would still be two more years of torture to go. 24 more months of heartbreak on the 28th day of each month. We were stuck in what our doctors call "The 2% Club," where there is no known reason for it - you just have no luck when it comes to being pregnant. With each failure, I thought back to the months leading up to IM-USA; what if we'd had
a chance there, and missed it?

Of course, Katie would find her way to us. She was a last-chance baby. After 4 years, we were surrendering to the fact that it wouldn't work for us. And you all know how that turned out; she's so much baby, she's kept us awake for most of her life to make up for lost time; an embarassment of riches, so to speak.

I know I'm lucky to have her. I know I'm lucky to have Lynda. Above everything I do in racing and training, I know they come first. From that brutal summer or 2003, I have learned to look at the balance of life first. To look at the longview and ask, "Can I really do that?" I'm training less, racing less, but going faster. I'm having more fun.

It took the worst summer of my life to learn, but I like to think that I have gotten better about it.

I applaud Richard for his choice to stop, because he won't have to learn about balance the hard way. He won't have to hit bottom and spend months climbing back.

Richard already knows what I had to learn the hardest way possible.

So in the end, for all my histrionics about weather, I know I can handle rain.

I don't think I could ever handle being a disappointment to my wife again.

Hurricane Bob
* I feel better now. How about you? *
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