And this is posted to a triathlon forum for what reason?

Record10ti, that is very, very sad. I feel terrible and sad for you.

There is this numbness you feel, protecting something maybe, and it is ponderous. Ponderous because you think that is not how you should feel. But you are your father's son, and regardless of what may have transpired he would want you alive, and well and happy. That is what all living fathers want, and presumably all departed ones also. Things often change in life.

I remember my father well, but he tried to kill our family and emptied a handgun at me before he was jailed, then hospitalized. I saw him once more, then in his casket. 23 years later. He was mostly a fine man, sometimes a disturbed man. He died, I cried briefly, did three 100 mile rides three days in a row, then felt fine. To this day I remember him well.

Unlike our bikes, the ruthless nature of time is that it can neither be accelrated nor deccelerated. You must endure it as it ambles toward its eventual healing effect.

I hope that time is graceful for you my friend. and remember that your friends are here on thsi screen, behind this keyboard, and where ever you find them.

My best wishes Record10ti. I hope for better things for you soon.

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Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com

 "And this is posted to a triathlon forum for what reason?" And you're a real sensative guy (not). One of the amazing things about the net is that you can sometimes talk to total strangers who can relate to you and be sympathetic. Maybe sometimes there is no one else to turn to. When you post a lot on a given message board you get to know the other people quite well even though not meeting face to face. Forums like this like this are sometimes more than just to discuss bike groupos , etc. I can be a place to turn for an ear when one is needed.
Record, my sincere sympathies. Both my parents are age 80. I couldn't have asked for better parents and even though I am not religious I do thank God for keeping them well this late in life. It's difficult for me to accept that they won't be around for ever. I dread the the day when I'll have to deal with what you are currently going through. Again, my sympathies.

"And this is posted to a triathlon forum for what reason?"

it's not posted to a triathlon forum, but to a lifestyle forum that happens to be inhabited by triathletes. all kinds of stuff gets posted here, and i'm grateful that it does.

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Dan Empfield
aka Slowman

"Odd thing is....I dont feel bad for him at all."

throughout my life i've always had inappropriate responses to situations like the one you're now in. i don't know why. maybe in retrospect they weren't inappropriate. they just were what they were.

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Dan Empfield
aka Slowman

Record10, your feelings are not odd at all. I can only imagine that your father's wishes at this moment are that you do not feel bad. Talk to him. Be with him. Comfort him with your presence. Not sure of anyone's faith life here with this strangely close-knit group of folks, but you both will be in my prayers.

Steve

My thoughts are with you and your family.

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"your horse is too high" - tigerchik

record10ti

your feelings are yours and that makes them right and the way you deal with them doesn't make them wrong of right because they are yours. I've lost both of my parents father mid 70's lung cancer anf mother 82 natural causes these events were tough and I still feel some guilt because I didn't live close enough to be there but live goes on as it will for you. You will have wonderful memories which will bring you joy and occasionally sorrow. Your post has caused me to reflect on my parents which is joyful and sad which I consider a good thing so thank you.

best wishes mike edmond ok

mate,

we had "words" in the past...but I truly feel for you...
my wife's dad is in the same situation...stomach cancer...fell in a coma today...matter of days, maybe hours...
looking for a reasonable flight back to France like tomorrow...
good luck

My own thoughts are that you sometimes don't feel bad for the folks that are/have passed away because you realize that they lived a wonderful and gifted life and were able to accomplish so many things that death seems to just be a good rest after a long days work.

When my grandfather passed away it was really hard for me, because we had been able to spend time together while I was growing up and had lots of good stories and such. But he died the way he would have liked to - out living his life. He'd already been to war, been home, raised a family, traveled the world more, made friends, worked hard and taken care of teaching a bunch of rascally grandkids the finer points of being a "sour kraut" as he liked to say. Nothing can take back his life, and nothing can take back the honor that I feel knowing I am related to him.

I'm sure you are surrounded by many many people who care about your father and your family, it seems to be the way Iowa works. I hope that the time you have left with your father is full of family, peace, love and happy rememberances.

Take care,

Josh

I lost my Dad 4 weeks prior to my racing IM-Florida last fall. I can relate to what you are feeling. I did not feel bad for him, since we felt that he was going to a better place. He was really at peace with this fact and "ready to go". He had been battling cancer for 18 months and his time had come. I dealt with the loss in much the same way Tom did, with workouts. In fact I did a 2.5 hr run only hours after he passed. It was a release and a time to think. I guess I really never thought about how much stress I purge when working out. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It really helps to think about the good times.

Tom,



I'm not trying to intrude, but your brief description sounded a lot like the dimensia that accompanies Huntington's Disease. There are so many unfortunate afflictions out there that often defy the blessing of an easy diagnosis.

Whatever the case, I'm glad you've found peace (or are finding it). Record9Ti--best wishes, amigo. Seriously.

Scott

Record10ti,

Sorry that you are in that situation. No matter what you feel, it is obviously bothering you.

Francois,

Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I would advise that you call AirFrance directly (in Miami). A few years ago, they gave me like 50% on a last minute flight to attend my grandmother funeral. I had to fax them paperwork afterwards. Your situation is different but they may be willing to help.

thanks for the hint...I'll give them a call...
merci.

Thanks for sharing! Best wishes to you and the rest of your the family...

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For one who has no objective, nothing is relevant. (Confucius)
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Because we are a wierd family here and I give a big damn what happens to Record.

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customerjon @gmail.com is where information happens.

We all handle death diffrently. Since childhood I have known many people who have died and seen alot of deaths. What I have learned is it is very personal how you react. You never know till you get there. Same thing goes for taking a life. Don't doubt how you feel. You and your Dad's relationship is really only known to you two. Just accept who you are.

We all love you dearly and my number has been posted if you need anything.

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customerjon @gmail.com is where information happens.

It's not an uncommon feeling, perhaps you are ready and so is he, love with open hands. Prayers of peace for you and your dad, your family.

My wife was unable to say goodbye to her father, him being in England and us being in the States. We did get to the funeral, and it was a surreal experience. He dropped dead (seemingly) out of nowhere. Funny thing is, I don't know which way is better, lingering or suddenly dropping dead.

I don't quite know what to say for you, as every experience I have had in the area of a loved one lingering on a machine was that I couldn't wait for it to be over for them. Was it innapropriate? Who knows? But after struggling with the guilt of feeling happy for them, I knew in my heart that their suffering was over. Life does go on, it just seems to take a bit longer in the sad times.

But from what I understand (and that is a VERY limited understanding), he is blissful in this state.

You feel what you feel. There isn't a right or wrong feeling.

You have my sympathy for this trying time.

R10Ti,

Bummer. At the risk of providing unsolicited "advice", let me share a few thoughts about what I went thru last August. After 6 months of battling a rare blood cancer (myeloma), my dad suffered from a major pulmonary embolism. I jumped on a plane from FL to NJ and made it to the hospital while he was still alive via machines. My brother didn't make it in time.

Anyway, while he was hooked up, it took me a little while (half hour???) to get comfortable with holding his hand and talking to him. The eyes open, no blinking, machine breathing thing was more than a little freaky, and I had no idea what to say. Anyway, after some time, I sat down and just started talking to him about my kids and whatever else came to mind. Since my back was to the various monitors, and they didn't have any alarms set up, I didn't notice that he slipped away while I was talking to him. I have no idea what I said, what he heard or anything like that, but I do know that if I had waited any longer and missed the chance to say whatever, I would have been very upset.

For a while, I felt bad that I didn't feel worse. I'm a pretty pragmatic guy that doesn't like to dwell on trying to can't change things that have already happened (you can't), but that doesn't mean that can't feel bad that they happened.

I hope you and your family make due as best you can. If it makes you feel better, you can still buy my rocket tt7 to add to your collection...:-)

Stevie

"At the end, I didn't cry because it was over, I applauded because it existed in the first place"

There's no "right" way to respond to things--it's unique to you, your situation and your relationship with your father.

My sincere thoughts and prayers are with you (and Francois).

Matt

I am not sure if this is going to help, but I think you will find that the grieving process extends for a long time. I found I grieved in little pieces over a few years after my father died from his stroke.

Best of luck in making your decisions about continuing care for your father. Those put incredible strain on my family --- It took us several weeks to come to agreement and our emotions were extremely charged.

-Marc

I can only offer my condolences. As others have said, we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. You will find your way.

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Record, I am mostly a lurker, but have read enough of your posts to hear your "voice." My thoughts (and a lot of others from your endurance athlete family) are with you. In a way, we have a big advantage over our non-athletic friends and family. We get to work out a lot of our grief, stress, other stuff on those long runs, rides, and swims.

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David