I wasn't planning on peeing while on the bike. I always told myself that pissing on yourself is for winners and fast guys. Why soil your shorts, socks, shoes, water bottles to save a few minutes?
But then I got about 2 hours into the bike and I was having a pretty good day. "If I stop to pee for a few minutes, it's going to hurt my pace." I went back and forth for a few minutes in my mind. "Too pee or not to pee?" One of the things I have been telling myself in races about things that start to feel funky (shoes, heart rate monitor, goggles, etc) is "Fix it or forget about it. Dwelling on in for too long is going to hurt your pace more than stopping for a second to fix something."
So there I was. I had bottle of EFS Liquidshot on the downtube and a bottle of water on the seattube. "Man, I'm gonna piss all over my nutrition. Screw it, I don't think the taste of my own urine is going to kill me. And I'll make sure to wash it off with water really good when I am done."
I looked around and I was in no-mans land. No one in front that I was threatening to pass right away. No one behind for a while. I was approaching a slight downhill.
I tried to "prime the pump" while sitting down, but that didn't seem to be working. Maybe I should stand up. Ahh, there we go. A few grunts and a little struggle and then I was a member of "the club". (Men, it was a little like trying to pee in the morning when you go to the bathroom a little "excited". Not impossible, but takes a second to get things flowing.) My shorts got wet and warm. Then my legs, socks, feet, shoes.
"Holy hell, that was nasty. BUT DAMN did it feel good." I grabbed my water bottle and emptied it all over myself and made sure to give my EFS bottle extra attention.
I probably didn't have to make sure nobody was behind me. It didn't really spray all over the place.
I repeated the "Bike-A-Potty" process 3 more times over the 112 mile ride. Each time, it was easier. And I was less and less concerned about washing myself off with water. Apparently I have the bladder of a small poodle, but I was pissing like a race horse. (That might have to be my signature line on here).
I don't plan to ride again for a few weeks, but I might take my bike out in the yard and piss on it just for fun.