How does your nuclear family do adult free time?

Jul 5, 22 7:26

Post #1 of 36 (2415 views)

This has come up before on here. I just want to make sure I'm not trying to argue an invalid point on my behalf with my spouse.

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with being given crap about when I do things. You can't both say I can't get up early to do things and say you can't do things during the day.

I have a good job, with good hours, good pay, and good vacation. I wake at 6:30 and start driving at 7:15. Very very very reasonable. I get given crap about that. You're too loud waking me up that early blah blah blah. What is early about 6:30? Mind you I do nothing for myself these mornings, nor do I get up earlier than that during the work week.

Then the weekend is "no you're not waking me up early on the weekend to do something after you woke me up going to work all week".

My spouse is not on a weird shift work schedule or anything affecting a schedule. I almost feel like they sleep too much. Like, who needs to sleep 10:30 to 7:30 everyday?

Every reasonable person (in my eyes) with kids seems to get up a lot earlier than we do all week long to do "their free time" stuff. You literally see the folks in the neighborhood walking dogs, jogging, whatever in those hours. Like, totally average joes. But on those weekends I swear we're never out of the house anywhere before 10am. And it drives me absolutely nuts.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:09

Post #2 of 36 (2356 views)

Who’s life are you living?

STRAVA INSTAGRAM

Post deleted by burnthesheep [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:25

Post #3 of 36 (2323 views)

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:36

Post #4 of 36 (2294 views)

You need couples counseling.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:39

Post #5 of 36 (2283 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

All I want to do is Sat/Sun get up at 6:30 ...

Do you set an alarm on the weekends? Because those never wake only one person

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:41

Post #6 of 36 (2273 views)

Not for nothing, but I hope your wife isn't aware of the ST forum. Surely she won't be happy knowing 1) you're airing your dirty laundry online, and 2) making it look like she's the guilty party in whatever dynamic you've got going on in your household.

Maybe I'm old school, but some things aren't meant for public discourse.

eta: that said, IME there's very little likelihood that what she's complaining about is what she's really mad about. You need to figure that out first.

Last edited by: Mudge: Jul 5, 22 8:53

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [Sean H] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:43

Post #7 of 36 (2269 views)

Sean H wrote:

You need couples counseling.

I would suggest trying separate sleeping arrangements, for starters

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 8:52

Post #8 of 36 (2239 views)

You may already use this but Just a suggestion for an alarm which should only wake you, is set in on your watch to vibrate. My Fenix 2 just vibrates and shouldn’t wake anyone else up. I’ll never go back to a phone alarm.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 9:06

Post #9 of 36 (2200 views)

Marriage counseling has been beneficial within my marriage. (My wife has an account on ST and may at some point read this.)

I think there is a big stigma about "needing" counseling. I'd like to turn that on its head and say: I think everyone should seek out couples counseling, early in their relationship and be very open to revisiting it later.

Likewise, basic counseling in something like cognitive behavioral therapy is something I think virtually every person could benefit from. It's a shame there is still stigma involved in "seeing a counselor."

If I could encourage that you take other folks advice on here, I will. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Anecdote: I personally feel best getting nine hours of sleep per night. I don't choose to do that, but I do feel best doing it. I also coach many folks who are struggling to achieve whatever they're working towards (fat loss, sport performance, productivity, etc,) to increase sleep hours up towards 9 per night, FWIW.

Dr. Alex Harrison | Founder & CEO | Sport Physiology & Performance PhD
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Last edited by: DrAlexHarrison: Jul 5, 22 9:08

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [Mudge] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 9:10

Post #10 of 36 (2186 views)

Mudge wrote:

eta: that said, IME there's very little likelihood that what she's complaining about is what she's really mad about. You need to figure that out first.

Wisest words on this thread.

Dr. Alex Harrison | Founder & CEO | Sport Physiology & Performance PhD
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
📱 Check out our app → Saturday: Pro Fuel & Hydration, a performance nutrition coach in your pocket.
Join us on YouTube → Saturday Morning | Ride & Run Faster and our growing Saturday User Hub

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 9:13

Post #11 of 36 (2176 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

My spouse is not on a weird shift work schedule or anything affecting a schedule. I almost feel like they sleep too much. Like, who needs to sleep 10:30 to 7:30 everyday?

Is your wife actually falling asleep at 10:30pm? Maybe she doesn't sleep well and is well up past midnight which causes her to want to sleep in more.

My wife doesn't sleep well and sleeps in much later than me. We may get in bed at the same time (9:30-10) but she typically doesn't fall asleep before 11, sometimes even later. She's a light sleeper and has an overactive mind which keeps her up at night. I'm typically exhausted from work/training so I fall asleep much quicker. I'm also used to operating on <7 hours of sleep regularly (swimmer growing up) while she is not. I don't claim to be a morning person but I'm motivated to get out of bed early to get my training in so I can get to work during the week or spend time with her on the weekends. She's not a morning person in the slightest and it takes some time for her to get into "operating mode". She can do earlier if she has to for work obligations, travel, etc.... but it's not something she enjoys.

I would suggest having an honest and candid conversation with her about your feelings. And really listen to her to try to come to some kind of compromise that works for both of you.

Last edited by: stevej: Jul 5, 22 9:15

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 9:19

Post #12 of 36 (2159 views)

Our dogs irritate and annoy my husband in the night. They lean on him. He doesn’t like it, and it wakes him up. Then he wakes me up to complain. I started taking the dogs to a couch, but my sleep was suffering. (I tried re-crating the dogs once but it made the little one depressed. Our big dog is too big for a crate.)

So I just set up a whole separate bed for the dogs and me. We had a spare one in the garage, so I dragged it out. I set it up a foot away from my husband’s bed! Last night the dogs and I cuddled and leaned to our hearts’ content on our bed. I think we all slept great. My husband woke up and was gone early, early. Dogs and I slept in.

We have to meet everyone’s sleep needs. Your wife might work with greater intensity than you during the day. Or maybe she has many tasks which are constantly interrupted by other tasks— it’s challenging or emotionally draining perhaps. Or maybe she just needs more sleep because she’s not you. You’re either going to let the problem persist or you can try to mitigate it. Try some different ideas.

ETA: There’s no shame in talking about this. Anyone who works odd hours understands these challenges. Couples have different sleep needs sometimes.

Last edited by: Clara Roberts: Jul 5, 22 9:26

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [Clara Roberts] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 9:46

Post #13 of 36 (2103 views)

Clara Roberts wrote:

We have to meet everyone’s sleep needs.

It's a fair point. On different sleep needs.

For Mudge above, some of it could have been excluded. That's fair.

The part that gets me is the including the kids in it. Having them stay in their rooms, doors shut, until 8 on a weekend. That part isn't resolved by me using a vibrating watch alarm, or using a different bed, or even ceasing to exist. I know for sure our oldest is up in his room around 6:30 on Saturday. Nobody woke him up.

There's been times in summer it's flipping hot. And I'd like to take them somewhere in the morning, so they'd need to be able to get ready. Even taking them alone myself this still poses problems waking someone up. As I know I've heard complaints about our oldest waking at 6:30 on weekends to go pee.

All I can think of also is why we ever stopped using a sound machine at night. I thought we used to do so.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:12

Post #14 of 36 (2056 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

The part that gets me is the including the kids in it. Having them stay in their rooms, doors shut, until 8 on a weekend. That part isn't resolved by me using a vibrating watch alarm, or using a different bed, or even ceasing to exist. I know for sure our oldest is up in his room around 6:30 on Saturday. Nobody woke him up.

I guess she is projecting her own sleeping needs on the kids.

Our kids have to stay in their beds until 7:00, otherwise one of them will get out of bed real early. It’s not a hard rule (6:30 is also fine), as long as they don’t annoy each other / become grumpy because of a lack of sleep.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:13

Post #15 of 36 (2048 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

You're too loud waking me up that early blah blah blah. What is early about 6:30? Mind you I do nothing for myself these mornings, nor do I get up earlier than that during the work week.

Then the weekend is "no you're not waking me up early on the weekend to do something after you woke me up going to work all week".
.

As others have said, there is likely a lot more here than just the sleep. However, on the sleep point itself - my spouse and I are often on different schedules. Some nights I sleep in a different room if I want be sure I get a good sleep. Other days, I make sure everything I need is laid out and out of the room before I get up - so the second my vibrating alarm goes off I get up and go with a minimum of disruption. Other days I just accept that I might get woken up earlier than I want. Earplugs and a sleep mask also work wonders.

There are lots of options to make it work.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [The Guardian] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:21

Post #16 of 36 (2026 views)

The Guardian wrote:

Earplugs and a sleep mask also work wonders.

There are lots of options to make it work.

I wear my AirPods and put on some nice Ambient streams; then I pull a bLuff over my eyes & ears so it works like a sleep mask, but also keeps the earbuds in place

My room is next to MILs bedroom, and she makes a LOT of racket when she goes to bed and uses the bathroom

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:38

Post #17 of 36 (1982 views)

The sound machine sounds good.

Also, I used to tell my kids to wake up & read in the morning, too! Ha ha! They’ll become really good readers, which in turn means they will learn easier. Plus, if you quietly sneak out and they keep reading, mama can still sleep. Win/ win/ win.

Sometimes I want to take a solo vacation so I can finally get some sleep. I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [RandMart] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:40

Post #18 of 36 (1976 views)

RandMart wrote:

The Guardian wrote:

Earplugs and a sleep mask also work wonders.

There are lots of options to make it work.

I wear my AirPods and put on some nice Ambient streams; then I pull a bLuff over my eyes & ears so it works like a sleep mask, but also keeps the earbuds in place

My room is next to MILs bedroom, and she makes a LOT of racket when she goes to bed and uses the bathroom

Ok, you have one-upped me there on that one!

Either way I think we stopped using our sound machine when we thought we both ceased snoring. Maybe we should fire that back up and start using the watch alarm thing.

That's gotta be worth something together.

I also just found online that "split sheets" exist and are a thing. You getup to pee or anything, your sheet side only moves with you and not theirs.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:41

Post #19 of 36 (1971 views)

Strategic versus Tactical problems

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 10:55

Post #20 of 36 (1935 views)

Get a new spouse (pink....maybe....maybe not)

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [Rideon77] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 11:06

Post #21 of 36 (1914 views)

Or just go without; no one says you need one

And a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 12:52

Post #22 of 36 (1785 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

Clara Roberts wrote:

We have to meet everyone’s sleep needs.

It's a fair point. On different sleep needs.

For Mudge above, some of it could have been excluded. That's fair.

The part that gets me is the including the kids in it. Having them stay in their rooms, doors shut, until 8 on a weekend. That part isn't resolved by me using a vibrating watch alarm, or using a different bed, or even ceasing to exist. I know for sure our oldest is up in his room around 6:30 on Saturday. Nobody woke him up.

There's been times in summer it's flipping hot. And I'd like to take them somewhere in the morning, so they'd need to be able to get ready. Even taking them alone myself this still poses problems waking someone up. As I know I've heard complaints about our oldest waking at 6:30 on weekends to go pee.

All I can think of also is why we ever stopped using a sound machine at night. I thought we used to do so.

Given that she’s dragging the kids’ sleep patterns into it seems so out there that I’d bet there’s a lot she’s excluding. I wouldn’t be surprised if her beef has nothing whatsoever to do with sleeping

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [Mudge] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 13:52

Post #23 of 36 (1679 views)

I think this is right. My spouse and I used to have mild issues around sleep and wake times, but it was actually related to her feeling she was missing "family time" because her schedule was different from the rest of us. Once we figured out the real issue it was easy to resolve.

In your spouse's case, I am inclined to say that when you have young kids you should have zero expectation that you will ever get enough sleep. It's not their fault they wake up early. That's just how it goes.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 21:46

Post #24 of 36 (1497 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

I also just found online that "split sheets" exist and are a thing. You getup to pee or anything, your sheet side only moves with you and not theirs.

If you want to share a bed, you can just use separate sheets and blankets. It works... and is especially nice if you have very different temperature/heating desires.

Re: How does your nuclear family do adult free time? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Jul 5, 22 23:55

Post #25 of 36 (1418 views)

Every person has different sleeping needs and it seems you and your wife have different sleep patterns.

Personally, I'm much more like your wife although I do go to sleep later (12-1 PM) and wake up at maybe 8.30 or so. I work from home though so I can afford this. I never get up before 8 unless its a dire emergency.

My current girlfriend has about the same sleep pattern as mine so it works out.

I admire early birds like you, but if I had to get up at 6.30 every single day I would be absolutely miserable and depressed. Also, even on weekends I never leave the house before 10 AM. It's barely been 30 minutes after breakfast at that point!

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