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Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea)
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Everything in my life is positive.

I have an active and healthy lifestyle, eat well, sleep well and surround myself with positive people. I love triathlon, a sport that I believe is one of the most inclusive and enjoyable I have ever participated in. When I am on the bike, running, or recovering on a lane rope, everything is clear to me, and I am at peace. I don’t want to sound like an idiot here, but a hard ride or run, followed by a coffee or breakfast with my training partner (and one of my best mates), is an almost spiritual experience.

And then I go to work for 50hours per week, and must closely work with a person who is the complete antithesis of everything I try to do with my life. She puts people down instead of encouraging them, and is the master of the snide look. She feels threatened by the contribution of others, and is protective of her work instead of sharing. Where I look to give pats on the back, she revels in underhanded emails to colleagues.

It is getting past a joke – and I am at wit’s end. I have tried to be inclusive, have her see that I am not trying to be a threat to her, and would prefer to work in a harmonious environment rather than one characterized by negativity. All to no avail.

Am I the only one experiencing this? What are my options? I would prefer to avoid an all out verbal assault, and to retain my job. (After all, it helps me buy fun tri gear!!)
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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Wow! Great question and what a dilemma. I've thought about this on-off for a couple of hours and have no easy answers. Sounds like you have already tried some compassionate confrontation -- if I was acting an a** its what I would want. You have to wonder what its like to live inside her head...

After the confrontation what if disruptive/destructive person insists on being even more of an a** how does one live? Your best efforts at detachment and avoidance, the "shaking the dust off one's feet approach" is futile because the instigator lives and or works in your environment! Man that is tough. I find my own resources stripped by experiences like this, similar to an IM run. I have to look for help beyond myself. Not trying to be a pious Joe hear...just honest. Prayer and meditation brings enough peace and centeredness to ready myself for the next round. Maybe she'll get it, maybe she will not, that's largely up to her. In the end knowing that may be as freeing as anything. If she doesn't get it, ultimately such behavior is going to bite HER in the a** and justice perhaps even change will be achieved. Good on ya for willing to tough it out and deal with her. Hanging around her makes the survival shuffle look like a walk in the park!
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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I struggle with this, too. Negative waves actually are more noticeable - I think - because multisport folk are almost always so genuinely supportive of each other, side to side and top to bottom.

A remedy that comes by me from time to time pertains to not obsessing over it, giving it no more than its true weight and otherwise accepting its presence. Two anecdotes come to mind: 1) In the book "Clay's Quilt," the lead character observes that he used to think that people who hurt others will eventually "get theirs," but it doesn't happen. They're always with us and they're always hurting someone.

2) When sharing my own situation (much like yours) with a very talented consultant with whom I was working, she smiled and observed that "All gardens have weeds."

I cannot attest to the value of these points of view, but I can assure you that if you occupy your mind with debating their validity, then you have directed that much time AWAY from the main pain already. Good luck!
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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There is a great Arabic saying: "Has the cow dung changed to carmel yet?" The message is: Negative people stay negative. The nature of a person is just that- their nature. While THEY may be able to change it, no amount of kindness or facilitation on your part will motivate them to change. It has to come from inside them, and chances are, it won't. Other than adopting a healthy dose of acceptance and some sympathy for a person who leads a perpetually empty and miserable life (although they probably don't even know it) there isn't much you can do. Except go for a run and try to forget.

Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [martyg] [ In reply to ]
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Well I'm guessing that by Oz in your name and calling your friends mates your in Australia. If so I have a solution for you. I spent about 4 months in Australia about tens years ago and I'm dying to go back and show my wife. Just take your co-worker, throw he in an old bicycle travel case and ship her here to the states.

I'll come down and have my wife take her job. Your co-worker can have my wifes job, a nice swap and you'll come out a winner and I'll get to have my kids grow up in Australia. Don't worry, my wife has a great attitude and I'll go on some training rides with you.

Just write me if you need some cash to cover the shipping charge.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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My philosophy is to always be the first one to apologize, be gracious, or forget the incident, EVEN IF I am sure I was in the right. Don't let their negativity, spitefulness, etc. drag you down. Don't carry grudges, we have a lot of other things to carry through life--it's like backpacking; just gid rid of everything you don't really need. When you kill the negativity with kindness, you transfer it to the other person. You then have the peace of mind of knowing you are the better person.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [tri_bri2] [ In reply to ]
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My Momma says, "Inner peace comes not from knowing you are better, but admitting you are not." :)

Just a little thought to consider.

-Jay
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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You can't change her but you can rise above her negativity. Keep doing your own thing. Be happy. Enjoy life because it's way too short a journey no too.

Imagine how awful it would be to be her. Forgive her (and mean it) when she hurts you. It's not going to be easy but when you look back on this part of your life you won't regret your actions.

-Jim-

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [martyg] [ In reply to ]
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I'm very impressed by martg's contribution with the link supplied in the post.

Tom Demerly
The Tri Shop.com
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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I'm a generally happy go lucky guy. When I come across a negative person, I just get even more happy. Chances are, they will never change, so I kind of enjoy being their antethesis.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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Hey Oz -

Love your first line. Think about how blessed you are to be able to make that statement truthfully. We are all so fortunate to do what we do ... follow our obsessions and meet amazing people along the way. By finding something that we love, people that support us in our endeavors, and support from strangers with the same goals, life can seem a bit to good to be true sometimes. I can not imagine life without sport.

I am not one to make excuses for folks, mostly because I can not think about any reason to be negative or spiteful. That being said, you, yes you, might be the person put in her life that makes the difference. Even through her negativity, she probably respects you more than you know. Maybe even to the point of jealousy. Be the example. Your actions are powerful. Be the example. Options, you ask? Live the crede that started your post - "Everything in my life is positive ..."

CH
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Tom Demerly] [ In reply to ]
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"I'm very impressed by martg's contribution with the link supplied in the post."

So am I. My 18 year-old is working through the same issues in summer league baseball, so right now there's a copy at home waiting for him to get up. It's after lunch here, so it shouldn't be long now......
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Dave in WI] [ In reply to ]
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I've always been more of an "Eye for an eye" type myself. ;-) Just kidding, Dave. I couldn't resist. I like your post.

I've got to go with the Golden Rule here for OTG. Just make sure that you continue to conduct yourself well and with dignity when dealing with this person. Take the high road, lead by example... you know the drill. If it gets so bad that a confrontation or "discussion" occurs, and it looks like it just might, this is not necessarily a bad thing. As a matter of fact, problems are only resolved when they are dealt with. Meaning you can't continue to try to overlook or ignore the offending behavior. The question is how can you address this with the person in a way that is acceptable? If someone had a problem with you, how would you like them to address it? I'm the type of person who likes to be confronted with an issue so that I have the opportunity to talk through and address it. (I'm infuriated when people go "over my head" or try to address things in a round-about way, but that's me. Obviously not everyone is like that.) How you address this issue really depends on your relationship with this person and the dynamic of your environment. The only advice I can give you is to address the problem sooner rather than later and make so that you do so in a manner that is respectful and in which you can be proud of your behavior. I wouldn't concern myself with how she reacts (unless it would be potentially harmful). Her behavior is her responsibility, yours is yours.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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You can't cope with negativity. It will always be there. It will always win out over positivity. Your life will never get any better than it is now. It can only get worse. Your nemesis will probably end up running the company and fire you in the end.

JUST KIDDING.

I think my grandfather summarized Marty Gaal's article a long time ago when he told me "If you get a group of thoroughbreds together, there's bound to be a horse's ass somewhere". Granted, this statement contains no advice but if your opening statement is correct and this is the most trying situation in your life you are a very lucky person, indeed.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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I hear what you are saying.

I encounter people like this all the time - in the real business world there are many people that are like this. Perhaps it's just a face or an attitude that they adopt for business. Who knows? Away from the office and maybe these people are all stand-up comics! But I doubt it.

My arm-chair social view is that not enough people experience positive benefits of participating in sports - any sport. If they did, they would take a much better overall view of the world and the people they work with. The work-world is a competitive place, but, to many it is like a life and death struggle and their attitude is comensurate with that. If they had taken part in sport and had good exposure to positive role models in sport they would know that there is always another game, another race, another day. You win and your loose. Actually, you loose a heck of a lot more than you win in business these days, so you better be ready to role with the punchs and keep an optimistic attitude.

Just like training for an endurance sport, in business you need to enjoy the journey or else it is going to be a long and miserable road.


Steve Fleck @stevefleck | Blog
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [martyg] [ In reply to ]
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Good job, Marty. Nice read and nice advice.


**********************
I was, now I will tri again!
...
Any time is a good time.
God Bless you my friend.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Goodtime] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks everyone for their thoughts. I am sure that you all understand how awesome it is to be able to come into work in the morning, and read all the posts that you guys have contributed whilst I am sleeping.

Talk about a great start to the day!!
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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You need a finger puppet. I have lent Son of Bun to many friends and acquaintances who have needed a release from such negative people. One person put him on her finger and (in a cartoonish voice) asked her coworker "Why are you being such a b*tch?". The coworker steered clear of her and treated her with much respect afterwards. The morale in the office went up four bazillion percent, as someone finally had the chutzpah to go against this person. And this person was put in her place. Win/win, as I see it.

Everyone needs an alter ego. This can be a positive thing. Also, one technique that I have always used is to write the source of my stress on the bottom of my trainers and go for a nice, long run. Run until the name wears off. You will have eradicated this person in your own way whilst doing something positive. You just won't take her tirades and such quite so seriously. You may need to repeat the process a few times.

While I can't lend Son of Bun to you (though he would love the wowie neato cool Aussie women), I hope I have helped in some small way.
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Oz Tri-Guy] [ In reply to ]
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I will probably get blasted for this !!!



But it sounds to me like she needs a man. Find a needy friend to do her a favor.

The Cuban Comet
(Comets are unbelievably slow over Cuba)
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Re: Coping with Negativity??? (Half rant, Half Plea) [Tom Demerly] [ In reply to ]
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thanks Tom, Goodtime, Flybaby. it was a trying time and that little blurb wrote itself...I like the moral idea of turning the other cheek but unfortunately my experiences have shown that that results in a pair of bloody cheeks. due unto others (kill them with kindness)... seems to work in some cases. in others though just get out of the situation and move on.

Marty Gaal, CSCS
One Step Beyond Coaching
Triangle Open Water Swim Series | Old School Aquathon Series
Powerstroke® Freestyle Technique DVD
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