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on the other hand, i think you just need to remind yourself that you did what you felt you needed to, and to protect your own family (daughter). it sucks to be blamed - and i think i would be super-pissed in your case (like, wanting to go punch an in-law pissed. i would recommend against this though - go for a run instead). in any case, i have to believe it's a better outcome that ignoring your gut, and realizing too late.
good luck, and try not to let it keep you down.
It's his sister. It's up to him if he wants a relationship with her or not, I mean it's his family. She's probably in shock still, and needs some support. Of course she'll call him and not you, that's completely to be expected in your situation. She's probably still going through the grieving process to a certain extent. Give her time and space, have a bit of empathy for her, check the "I told you so" attitude at the door and move on. Don't hold your husband hostage here. He's an adult and he shouldn't have to choose between you two.
My 2 cents.
"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
You said it all right there. They need a scapegoat and it can't be a family member. You're not blood so to them you're expendable. Personally, I'd say screw 'em, who needs 'em. You did the right thing.
As far as my husband, I would never ask him not to have a relationship with his sister. I told him so last night just to make sure he really understood that. I guess what I need from him (and something he plans on doing) is to stick up for me. To tell his sister that 'we are united on our decision' and he doesn't appreciate how she treated me. He thinks the way his sister is acting is crappy - although we both do understand. She needs someone to be mad at, heck they all do....
It just sucks. Back in the day I was a scrapper and my first reaction was to bitch slap her...my mother in law....but I know that isn't the right thing to do. My head tells me to do crazy things but my heart, my soul knows that taking the high road is the right way, and thus the way I know I'll choose. I just have to stop being pissed first. :)
Life is Short...Run Long
Look at them as your source of encouragement when you just want to strangle your sister in law. I don't recall exactly how old they are but you have acted wisely to preserve their innocence and save them from potential harm. They can have a "normal" childhood, largely because you and your husband are smart and care about their well being.
As for your sister in law... Well... She may come around. She may not. She may hate you forever and blame you entirely for everything that's bad with her life. It's not your problem. Just continue to be a strong parent and role model for your girls, protect them, love them, and support them. Do the same for your husband. Everything else is irrelevant.
<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
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Life is Short...Run Long
One thing I might consider: a restraining order against her. If she blames you for her husband's impending imprisonment, she might be unstable enough to act out against you. A restraining order would do two things: 1.) Put her on notice that there is a clear and legal line she is not to cross; and 2.) Empower the authorities to act when/if she crosses that line.
(And, get a Glock 19. Learn how to use it. Serious.)
Pedophiles, all other depravities aside, will deny their crimes even in the face of the most damning evidence. It's weird ... you can confront them with the most irrefutable, conclusive proof and many of them will still deny deny deny.
"In case of flood climb to safety"
Until then, if your MIL, SIL, or any other in-law ever accuses you to your face of breaking up the family I think you should reply with the facts. "I was not the one who proposititioned an 11yr old for sex - that is what broke up this family." Stand by the facts because no matter how much they want to blame you for this situation the truth is that it wasn't your doing. It may or may not sink in with them but it is the truth and it will likely shut them up.
This is not about you.
You and your husband have made some solid choices and seem to be much needed support for each other. Nurture that relationship. Continue to be support for each other. Understand that as this moves forward, your husband will likely be in a more difficult spot than you. Have patience and do your best to remain positive and provide the support he will need.
Try not to attack or criticize any of your in-laws. They will likely continue to lash out and assign blame. Their target will likely be you. Try to be strong enough to shoulder that burden and understand that their pain and suffering pales in comparison to yours.
If you ever are in a conversation where they attack you or blame you, I would suggest that you respond with, "I am sorry you feel that way. This is a very difficult time."
It will be hard but I fear that your relationship with your husband will suffer if you contribute to the "us v. them" mentality that appears to already have been established. Good luck.
But yeah, your husband is in a weird position. He has to stick up for you also. But remember, its not about you and try to remember that. You did the right thing finding out more info.
My BF years ago turned in his own sister to social services as she has 2 kids and was drunk and stoned all the time. Now that was hard, a hard decision to make. Oh but guess who is blamed still for this? yes me. And its fine as I saw this woman turned her life around and did get her kids back and now they are in a safe good place with her. But me? I am not popular to put it midly,and I had nothing to do with it at all! But makes things easier around the holidays, I can go for a long run or ride by myself as I wont go over to those 'family functions' and deal with all that BS. This is way more serious though. But yes TRY its hard but remember-not (really) about you! take care
You are absolutely right, this is NOT about me and because of my frustration I was allowing the bitterness my family is carrying towards me to make it about me. But in all honesty, you are 100% right on. They are all going through a horrible horrible reality right now. Although I do hope that my BIL is sentenced to the fullest amount possible (due to his incredible lack of remorse; praying that the 'time' will help the walls he has built up come down and he gets the help he needs)....at the same time I can only imagine what is going through my sister-in-law's head, her childrens', her husbands'. Their entire world was just turned upside down and inside out and their reality will take a permanent shift.
So, with that said, I've come to terms with my frustration over the situation and I feel at peace more and more now. The unsettled feeling that something wasn't right was confirmed by a jury when they found him guilty. That brings me peace, knowing that when my heart is saying something to me - I need to listen up. My husband and I have protected our children and honestly that is all we ever wanted.
It is not my job to throw the gavel down in judgment. That is up to a judge. It is my job to put out as much positive energy regardless how they have reacted towards our decision. If they don't ever want anything more to do with me, I'm ok with that, and feel so without any bitterness. I know that we made the right decision. I can not control how they react to that decision BUT I can control how I react to them. My plan is to do so in the shadows, not casting any stones, and show nothing but love towards them - in thoughts and speech, and actions.
Thanks for making me take a second glance everyone....especially you Brick.
Life is Short...Run Long
Sometimes we are so close to a situation that it is difficult to recognize when others are hurting more than we are. Your husband sounds like a keeper (and so do you). I hope that both of you are passed the hardest part but I fear the worst is yet to come. Neither of you can control what your in-laws say, do or think. And they will probably say, do and think some pretty mean stuff. If you can, stay positive and supportive and don't demand that your husband "defend" you. You do not need defending. You and your husband know this and that is truly all that matters. Maybe there will come a time when your in-laws recognize what they have done and will seek your forgiveness, be prepared to give it to them no questions asked. Again good luck and I hope it works out for you, your husband and your children. All the best, Paul
On Thursday my brother-in-law was sentenced to 8 years in prision for his crimes. My understanding is that he'll most likely serve at least 75% of that sentence. His entire family was in the court room (even his 3 children) when the judge told him "your family does not want to see what you wrote, said, planned....look at them and know how badly your actions have hurt them".
I'm not sad that he is in jail, but....I'm in no way happy about it either. It is just so so sad....
Life is Short...Run Long