If ST is your deciding factor for whether you should leave your marriage, then yes. You should.

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MS: Exercise Science
Your speed matters a lot, sometimes you need to be very fast, where sometimes you need to breakdown your speed.

Interesting first post.
Troll?

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

There is nothing like that first kiss...and there is nothing like falling in love. I wonder what it would feel like to put in the effort to re-fall in love.

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"your horse is too high" - tigerchik

I left. We had many many other issues though. However, it's been brought to my attention by the people who know me the best that I made those issues bigger than they really were to justify leaving, and that the truth was that I was just not in love with him. I don't know, but I have no regrets.

Read the book Real Love by Greg Baer. You should be able to answer your own question after reading that. He even has a book called Real Love in Marriage that I haven't read since im not married. Check it out!

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Elizabeth

Maybe counseling can help you? You already have "the nicest guy who treats you well" which is probably a helluva a lot harder to get than sex, being a woman.

Do you confront him? What does your hubby say if you want sex?

i told him im leaving. ive been thinking about it for years, but the no sex thing is just weird - its not a proper marriage right?

he wants to try a counsellor which i'll do, if he goes and thinks its worth it, but i think ive distanced myself for so long now i think its past it.
hes devastated and im totally gutted - its horrible, but i feel like a massive weight has been lifted and if we can remain friends thats the main thing.

the thing is im not ''in love'' and when i think about, it i dont think i can bring myself to passionately kiss him again.
its just like ive been in this marriage but its more like we are the best of mates, who never fight and go on lots of holidays, have the best lifestyle, but to me it still just doesnt feel right. i guess i want the intimacy more than the material things.

thanks to all those posts - it definately helps getting peoples thoughts!

That is such bullshit.

You aren't getting any. ok fine.

You break up your marriage. ok fine.

Hey let's be friends. BULLSHIT.

That is the most selfish thing someone can want when ending a relationship, it is so cliche and over used. I don't love you anymore, can we be friends?


If people could put the same about of energy into a relationship as they do ending one, the world may be a different place. Obviously each case is different. Blah, I'm not saying all relationships are the same.

The friends thing just touched a nerve...Its never happened to me, but it's such a cop-out.

You don't want him anymore, give him space and if he wants a friendship then let it happen.

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http://www.GetEndorFit.com
Personal Training and Sports Conditioning
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Nothing that I post on a message board is going to change your mind about sticking with your marriage, but I have to try anyway. Also, you're probably going to get offended by what I say here. I'm not posting this directly to you since I obviously don't know everything that's going on in your marriage, but the little bit that you've posted makes me want to say this. I think you should stick with it and try to work things out. You are not going to find something better elsewhere, but you can make things better in your own marriage. You can find that spark again. You're just going to have to do a lot of work to find it. Marriage is not about having the passionate, intimate, I-want-to-jump-your-bones feeling 100% of the time. Lots of times marriage sucks. Marriage is work. It's freaking hard work. You're not going to be happy all the time. But, the hard work and the difficult times just make the marriage that much more special. You work hard to keep the connection with your spouse and then you realize that just being together is what's special about a marriage. Finding a way to live together and put up with each other's crap and still be happy. That's the magic of marriage.

Marriage is about compromise and finding your space within a relationship when you've been together a long, long time. I'm so tired of hearing about people who walk away from a good thing just because they get bored or they're not getting everything they want from their marriage. If you're not getting what you want, then make it happen. You are responsible for making the marriage work. Find a way to make it happen. I definitely agree that if one spouse is not getting enough sex, then that's a definite problem. But, there's usually a reason that's happening. It's about digging deeper to figure out why and then finding a way to fix things.

A great place to start is marriagebuilders.com. The guy on there has a book that has really helped me and my DH. It's called His Needs, Her Needs and it focusses directly on the types of things you are talking about. Read the book, have your husband read the book and then do the work the book recommends. You married this guy, you chose him for your husband, so now do some work to try to work things out.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's really not meant that way. I'm just a real, big believer in marriage and I think people need to put in much more effort to make their marriages work. Good luck to you. I hope you find a way to make it work.

I think you have half the equation down-one unit wanting to work things out(in this case your husband). Many have said that marriage is hard work. The missing part of that sentence is marriage is hard work for BOTH sides. If you go to counseling with the notion of already giving up(sounds like it from your posts), then it isn't going to work.

I second the whole friendship thing-how it's a cop out that is.

Hey let's be friends. BULLSHIT......Its never happened to me

It's happened to me.

You are misquoting him. What he was saying is that no one has ever said, "Let's be friends" to him; whereas, I think you are saying that you have remained friends with an ex? Hard to tell what you are saying though since you misquoted and then didn't give very much insight into your situation.

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

The way I understood "Its never happened to me" was that he has never remained friends with an ex. I have

Cuds is right.

I've never been asked to stay friends after marriage.... or long relationship.

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http://www.GetEndorFit.com
Personal Training and Sports Conditioning
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did you stay friends anyway?

x10

sounds like you are giving up because your'e not 100% fulfilled all of the time. after reading your post initial post, i talked with my husband for a while about the future, and i told him, "i guarantee we will get bored, i guarantee we will each meet someone who tickles our fancy, and i guarantee sometimes i will feel damned tired of you. but we agreed to be married for life, so as long as we mean that, we'll be ok." what makes marriages end is when someone decides they don't want to work on it anymore.

a man who treats you great is way harder to find than hot sex, in my humble opinion.

and in the words of forrest gump, that's all i have to say about that.

Heavy question for a triathlon forum, but I'll take the unpopular view. I was in your identical situation two years ago. Married 8 years to a fantastic man who treated me like a queen. While I loved and respected him immensely, there was no romantic connection. (And really had never been, even in the beginning.) We were more like brother and sister, and that lack of connection equaled having sex 1-2x/year. Yes, I said year. I thought something was wrong with me. Convinced myself that I wasn't a sexual person, which hadn't been the case prior to marriage. Convinced myself that married people never had sex. Wrong again.

After couples counseling, individual counseling (to figure out why I married someone who was more a friend) and extensive soul searching, I left. It was excruciating. I was solely responsible for hurting someone and it sucked. (We did not have kids, which might've been a completely different situation for me.) I was sad, I lost weight, I spent a great deal of time leaning on my friends/family, and I trudged through some dark moments. Don't kid yourself, everyone HAS to go through those moments. But as hard as it was, I knew in my heart it was the right decision.

Don't get me wrong, if there's the slimmest chance that your marriage can work, give it 100 percent. But, if you're like me and know after much introspection and counseling that it's not what you want, do what you gotta do.

I don't disagree with Dawn in that many people take marriage lightly and aren't willing to work through the hard times, but sometimes it just isn't going to work. And don't beat yourself up about it. A couple thoughts that helped me through:

1. At the end of this life, you will not be assigned a grade. You can live life gunning for an "A" by meeting other people's expectations, or realize that only you know what you want.
2. On the topic of grades... my marriage was a "B". And while no relationship is perfect, I want an "A". Or at least the potential to find an "A". And being alone with that potential was better than spending my life in a "B."

And, my ex and are great friends. It works for one reason, because neither of us wants to get back together. He realized he wasn't getting out of the marriage all he wanted either. But be prepared for most people to not understand that you can still be friends. I set him up with his current girlfriend and that really makes people flip out.

Best of luck, it was a tough road for me, but I've never regretted the decision. Sidenote: I've been dating someone over a year and couldn't be happier. He drives me insane sometimes, but the passion is there and it is awesome :)

I set him up with his current girlfriend and that really makes people flip out.

I'll do you one better: I introduced my ex to her (now) husband and father of her child-they're perfect for each other. And we're all still friends . You're right- it flips people out.

Outstanding! When you think about it, you know your ex better than anyone else, so who better to play matchmaker? People like a nasty, hate-filled break-up better. Easier for them to understand, which is sad...

I'm not on bad terms with any ex's. But not friends...mostly because I've moved 8 times in 5 years. :oP

I'm still in touch with most of them actually.

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http://www.GetEndorFit.com
Personal Training and Sports Conditioning
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Thankyou so much for your post!
I sound exactly in the same situation as you were.

After much discussion over the past few days - i know deep down im making the right decision. I have tried so hard to make things work in that department, only last night did he say he'd see a doctor (5 years too late im afraid) many of you will think that i should try. But its like ive put my defenses up and have been rejected in that dept for so long, my confidence has been knocked so i think its gone too far for me to ever be able to get fun back in the bedroom. Its not like there was that much in the beginning. As you say its like we are brother and sister!! that is exactly it.

Im in my early 30's and feel life is too short for me to wait/put up with my situation for another 10 years when i know it should be fixed now.

I truely believe even if we were to fix things - it will only take a matter of weeks/months for things to drift back to the way they are now.

I know marriage takes work but i think because we treat one another like brother/sister we just arent really compatible in the bedroom. I think i'd rather be happier living by myself than not feeling 100% in my marriage.

This is going to hurt -

You're a fucking horrible person!!!

You've known for FIVE years and haven't done anything about it until now???

That's FIVE wasted years that your husband could have spent finding someone who knows how to communicate.

Jason

PS - Ladies, I apologize for entering your forum.

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*****
It's a dry heat!

f*ck off!!

hes known for 5 years and hasnt done anything about it. only last night has he decided to go to a doctor!!!! its too late.

if you ask me at least i have stayed the length of time i have rather than jumping ship just cause i wasnt getting a sh*g! at least i can say ive tried!!!!!!

WOW! Thank you to both of you. Reading a lot of these relationships posts lately has gotten me depressed about the state of humanity. But reading both of your sentiments, I realize that my wife and I are NOT the only people in the world that feel this way. Agree 100% with the above posts.

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MS: Exercise Science
Your speed matters a lot, sometimes you need to be very fast, where sometimes you need to breakdown your speed.