Wow! Weird and tough croud. I don't think most even read the thread. I thought this was supposed to be a place where people could express themselves without all the "pick or it's not real."

I feel for you.

You sound like a really good guy in a bad situation. Whatever transpires, I hope the best for you. When you first posted you sounded like a certain high profile individual that posts here a lot. I won't mention any names (T).

I am not as old as you and I am sure you are more wise and have more experience with life. But we can only take life for what it is and since we only live it once, I always try to make sure that the people around me as well as myself enjoy it to its fullest. I hope good things for you. It looks like you have taken a big step by discussing this with people and this means that you are most likely on the right path.

Good luck with which ever direction life takes you.

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"your horse is too high" - tigerchik

yea but isn't your tool getting lots of action these days?

Ha! Let's just say the last few months have been "nice." :) It's coming at me from all angles, like snipers in a jungle.

If they were good snipers there'd only have been one shot, and you'd never have noticed it. :p

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

First of all, you need to put everything and more into saving your marriage. I know there's a lot of water under the bridge and it sounds like you don't have the energy to really fight for it, but you really need to work on that first. You married this woman. You chose her. Now find a way to make it work.

I believe that there is someone for everyone out there. Lots of women would be attracted to you. But, that's not even going to be necessary because you are going to man up and do what you need to do to save your marriage.

You and your wife have drifted apart. Not uncommon in marriages. Just look around at the divorce rate to see that. But, that doesn't mean you can't find that spark again. It takes hard work and it takes time, but it can be done.

My favorite marriage counseling book is "His Needs, Her Needs". Buy it, read it, answer the questions in it and ask your wife to do the same.

Good luck!

look, i'm not going to sit here on the outside and tell you how to run your life. after all, we are just bystanders.

what i will say is that once you are squared with your marriage, things will begin to change. if you stay married, then you'll be in a relationship. if you're single again, then the universe will probably find ways for you to meet others. this is how it works.

so, once you figure your shit out, the rest will take care of itself. have heart.

;)

I thought this was supposed to be a place where people could express themselves without all the "pick or it's not real."

He asked specifically about attraction, part of that is physical.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

You make a good point, but it's kind of a catch-22. Yes, a good sniper would only need one shot, but I sure as hell wanna notice it when it happens!

Man up

that's code for "do what I want you to do"

Sometimes "manning up" means saying "no." What you've described here is not "manning up." I feel for you, I really do. Been there to some degree with my ex-wife. But, it seems a little weird to me that you're testing the waters here to see if women might find you attractive if you were single. Does that mean if the response is negative you'll stay in a miserable marriage because the chances of finding something better aren't good? Dude . . . that's crazy. Either stay in or get out, but don't make it dependent upon whether you might find somebody else. Sounds to me like you're a people-pleaser (I am, too, to some degree), and you've spent the last 8 years subjugating your OWN needs giving in to your wife on everything. What makes you think that's going to change in a new relationship? You need to decide whether you want to save your marriage or go your own way, but in either case, asking the Womens of Slowtwitch if you're a catch or not is irrelevant.

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''The enemy isn't conservatism. The enemy isn't liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t.''

—Lars-Erik Nelson

i think you have manned up. but it seems you are resentful of the situation, and (granted i'm hearing only one side, which is yours) i don't blame you. personally, i don't know if i could have dealt with the brother in law being an addict and your wife's enabling. those are things i cannot handle (and won't handle).

so, now i'm going against my word. i told you i wouldn't say what to do with your life. but...here goes.

i think you need to get out of the stuff that is making you miserable. you're angry, resentful and sick of it. no wonder, that is alot of shit to put up with. so, what do you want to do?

it seems you're at a turning point. it's either going to keep going as it is, with much the same. or you're going to take charge of your life and make some changes.

meeting a new woman is a diversion. are you afraid of being alone the rest of your life? personally, i think once you got all of this non-sense out of your life things will look up. the reality is that you're already very much alone in this mess.

the hard truth is that it's time for you to make some very tough decisions. it will be your decision to get out of the marriage. and even getting out of a trainwreck marriage will require some recovery time. but, imagine your life without all of that nonsense. if you want someone to say "get out of the marriage", i will say it. it's ok to get out of the marriage if that is what you want!

my best advice is to talk someone for yourself. talk to someone who can help you to understand/talk through how you feel, and help guide you through some tough decisions. chose a life coach, a pastor, a lawyer, whomever. my thought is you could do this for yourself, considering all of the endless stuff you've given, it would be nice and beneficial to have the focus on you for once.

best of luck, this is a sad story, but has a possiblity of really looking up. we've got one shot at life, how do you want to live it?

All of those things you list are wonderful and show that you are someone who put a lot of effort into your relationship. It's what every husband should do. But, what you are not doing is finding a way to make your marriage work. If you are doing all of these things and not getting what you need in return, then you are as much responsible for your situation as your wife is. You can moan and groan all you want about the way your wife doesn't do this or her brother does that, but it's up to you to take control and make sure you get what you need out of life and out of your marriage. I believe in marriage enough that I still think you should work to save this one. You're the one who married her, so take responsibility for that and make it work. It's too easy to walk away when things don't work out. That's why the divorce rate is so high. You put yourself into this situation, now find a way to make it work.

I think Dawn said it's up to you to take control because you are the one bitching about it here. The same thing might be said for your wife if she was the one ranting.

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

I think you're reading too much into what Dawn is saying. There are things that each party to a marriage should do. What those things are is not dependent on whether you're a husband or a wife, nor are they necessarily the same things for every marriage. I don't think Dawn is placing blame here, she's just saying that you need to decide whether you think your marriage is salvageable or not (or whether you even WANT to salvage it) and then act accordingly. The advice would be the same if it was your wife here telling her side.

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''The enemy isn't conservatism. The enemy isn't liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t.''

—Lars-Erik Nelson

take responsibility for that and make it work

what does that mean?

It seems like you were coming on here trying to get sympathy for your situation. I haven't said it in my posts, but you certainly have my sympathy. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It sounds miserable. It sounds like your wife isn't doing too much to help your marriage. You have certainly done what any good husband should do and it also sounds like your wife hasn't done much to be a good wife. Yes, there are things that a good husband should do. He should take care of his wife, he should stand up for her, he should help her with family situations. You've done all that and you haven't gotten much in return.

HOWEVER, you need to take responsibility for your current situation. You married this woman. You have put up with things as they are. If you aren't getting enough sex, then do something about it. If your wife isn't meeting your needs, then do something about it. Don't sit back and moan about it, take responsibility and change it.

I am a big believer in marriage and I think that people should do everything they can to save it. Obviously, I'm not into saving abusive situations or situations where one partner has essentially removed themselves emotionally (which may be the case for your wife), but there are many, many marriages that end in divorce that really shouldn't have. People need to start fighting for their marriages. Do some real work to find out what's not working and then work even harder to fix it.

I'm sorry if my earlier posts came off as "high and mighty". I really didn't mean it that way. I was just trying to give you a different perspective. You sound like you've given up and I was trying to get you motivated to try again.

Interesting thread with many interesting responses. I tend to agree mostly with what Dawn has said. For full disclosure I am a very happily married man with two kids. The following is what has worked for us.

1. Marriage is NOT a 50/50 effort, it is 100/100. Meaning each person gives 100%
2. Your marriage/spouse should rank ahead of every relationship you or your wife have with any other human being. It should be ahead of kids, family, friends, co-workers, everyone. It sounds like your wife does not share this sentiment. You need to tell her something like "I love you. Because I love you so much I cannot support your brother and his destructive habits any longer. I'm putting our marriage first because I want to save it. Is that what you want?" Said kindly, this should hopefully start a meaningful conversation so you can see her side. Maybe you can save it maybe you can't - that is up to you.
3. End financial and as needed emotional support to her brother. Don't give more money. Don't pay the cell phone bill. Don't let him live with you. He is old enough to stand on his own and you and your wife should not be supporting a 48 year old man.

what does that mean?

Many times in marriages when one spouse isn't getting what they need out of the relationship, they stop putting in any effort at all. They figure if I'm not getting what I want, then I'm not going to try anymore. It then gets to the point where the relationship is so soured that they decide to get divorced.

IMO, when you are not getting what you need out of your relationship, that's the exact time you need to put in more effort. It's counter-intuitive because you have to say "I'm not getting my needs met, but now I have to work harder at the relationship?". Often your feelings are hurt and you are angry. That's a hard time to put forward a harder effort to make the marriage work. But, that's exactly what's needed. If you aren't getting your needs met, I think you need to find out why. You talk to your spouse, you read books, you speak to counsellors, you talk to friends. You do whatever it takes to figure out why your needs are not getting met and what you need to do to fix that.

Many times you'll be surprised that the other spouse's needs aren't getting met either. You think you are meeting her needs, but you aren't. That's because what you value and what she values are different. You may be working your tail off in order to support your family, but she just sees you working all the time and not having any time for the family. There's a disconnect there with what's important to each person and therefore, neither of them are getting their needs met.

So, that's what I mean by taking responsibility and making it work. It's up to toolguy to do the work to save his marriage, even though he's the one who isn't getting what he needs out of the marriage.

And how do you think he could know what this 'work' is supposed to be? It is up to toolguy to sit down with his wife and decide on a counselling schedule or a separation agreement, a marriage is a 100/100 partnership, not 0/100, toolguy on his own can't do much, it takes 2 people to want to make a marriage work, not 1.

I completely agree with you, but he can and should take the initiative. Getting your 100% should come automatically in a marriage, but it often doesn't, unfortunately.

This may tough to hear...but because you did "everything" for your wife and forgot your own needs she doesnt respect you anymore...and women dont want sex with a guy they can "walk all over".....

.....you should have calmy said "no" a long time ago....and I doubt that she will ever respect you now beacuse what has happen in the past...not impossible but unlikely...