I am having trouble with binging. Iíve binged most of my life (since I was 10 or 11 years old; Iím now 30), and eaten in secret. Iíve always been active and while Iíve been plump at times, Iíve never been fat even though with what I eat I really should be.
When I was younger I had some trouble with eating Ė took laxatives, did the puking thing a couple of times (but didnít find it very efficient; I donít think I stuck with it long enough to be good at it b/c I was already using laxatives). Iíd go days only eating one meal, do the eating but not swallowing and spit into a bag thing. I mostly got over it, except that I kept on binging and eating in secret. As an adult, Iíve continued to binge, I binge at home, at work (keep food in my drawer and take bits out and eat at a time when nobody is around to see), I eat in secret and what I eat in public is probably fairly normal. Iíve taken food out of the garbage and eaten it. Iíve been to see various therapists for other things (not currently seeing any therapist though am on seroquel (anti-psychotic)), and when I tried to bring this up as an issue it was always dismissed that I couldnít be eating/binging that much b/c Iím not fat. I used to cut to punish myself or as a release but I think Iíve worked through most of that and donít anymore. I think sometimes food for me takes on what cutting used to. Some days I can be good and eat 1500/2000 calories, some days I eat well over 8000. I hate myself for not having more control.
Right now I am too big; I was injured for most of last year and put on weight. My bf and I were doing our own version of the Biggest Loser (except whoever won on a weekly basis got to get a good favour from the other) to get down to race weight, but weíve stopped as of last night. Yesterday I binged Ė I canít remember everything I ate, I started to list what I remember but itís too embarrassing.
I made myself puke last night, which I havenít done in a long time. It was easier than I remember. Iím stressed out right now about several things. I called my bf after I did it and he came over, and he was so great and supportive.
Does anyone have any suggestions about what to do? I do want to lose weight, but I find when I track food I become very very obsessive, and I want to be healthy and stop binging. Therapy is expensive and so not really an option at the moment; most regular/cheaper therapists Iíve contacted in the past wonít deal with people who are bipolar, even though I donít think thatís anything to do with this though if I am having an upswing the binging definitely gets worse (I was a little up a few weeks ago as I was playing with meds in an effort to try to be able to wake up in the morning to train (seroquel has a strong sedative effect) but I was able to recognize that I was a littleÖ.hyperÖ.and upped my meds a bit and think I am fine now). My mom would possibly be willing to pay for some therapy but sheís retiring this year, and I donít want to ask or frankly to go into it. I have a friend who has gone to Overeaters Anonymous and who has suggested I try that; Iím willing to though I find the whole god thing a bit distasteful and arenít really sure what it will do.