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Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse
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I am feeling horrible because i overheard my husband criticizing me at a recent social event. at least I took it as critical. When asked what he does for fun, he said 'I watch the kids because my wife is always training.' Huh?!

I really felt ashamed and hurt to overhear him say that. Clearly he harbors resentment. But the reality is that I love spending time with the kids (ages 4 and 5), and try to fit in my training between 5:30 to 7:30am, and on weekends I leave at the crack of dawn and am done with my long ride usually by 10am, to avoid interfering with the family and anything we have planned for the day. Two nights a week I swim till 7:30 pm and two nights a week he does karate until 8:30pm.

Most mornings, I must admit, he gets them up and dressed and when I get back they're downstairs dressed. But in return, I bathe them and arrange dinner half the week (he handles the other half). He does his own thing (karate usually) two nights a week. I work full-time and basically support the family, and he works part-time on his own business and it brings in a little - so my free time is very limited and there's no option of being a stay at home mom (I wish!).

lam passionate about cycling, running, swimming and competing and it makes me very happy and excited about life and plans. I don't do ironman races, but have 1 half-iron on the horizon.

This comment he made is just indicative of an overall lack of support and resentment he has about my triathloning habit. I've always run and cycled, even done races for the past 2 decades, but not to the same extent as now.

Does anyone have a similar situation or any opinion/feedback that's not too negative! Thanks.
Last edited by: cyclingmamaof2: Jun 8, 08 8:21
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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                You need to sit him down and have a really long talk about his attitude toward your training.I fear that it has little to do with the time you spend on your sport and more to do with something else that is bugging him.Your husbands comments at the function were unfair to you.If he has issues then they should be discussed with you in the privacy of your home or with close friends and family who know you both well and can provide fair and positive feedback.Men are strange but simple creatures and you need to be calm but straight with him when you ask what is going on or this could turn out to be a real worry.Just my two cents worth.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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You have a problem in your relationship and I wouldn't put the entire blame on your husband. You'd better have a serious talk about this with your husband and try to work it out.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [Ultra-tri-guy] [ In reply to ]
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"need to sit him down and have a really long talk about his attitude toward your training."

Nick, I assume you must be single and without children?
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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Interesting that only guys have responded thus far, but it's nice to have the other side chime in too...

I'll start by saying I'm single, no kids so I can't do pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want. I am not lucky enough to have supportive friends and, as such, have pretty much moved on from them. My dad is extremely supportive (but he also has a sport background). My mom tries to be, but she doesn't really "get it" - that said, as far as I know she has made only supportive comments to her friends/family about my sport aspirations. Good thing I have amazing kitties that love me no matter what (I feel guilty leaving them alone as much as I do between work and training haha).

I feel like it's hard to say whether your husband was being serious, half-joking or completely joking (of course, I've always said that there's some truth behind every joke). When people ask me what I do for fun I always laugh and say, "eat and sleep". It's a joke, but it's also somewhat true.
Talking to him is the best idea. I always try to make my relationship "talks" as light as possible. Just tell him what you heard and ask him if he really feels that way. If he says yes, explore it more - the conversation should direct itself. If he says no, then perhaps you can say that if you were in his shoes you might feel that way. This might give him the opportunity to say the things he needed to without feeling so guilty.
Hope that helps!

(and I hope your salary differences don't ever come up during these conversations!!!!)


______________________________________
I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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My gut reaction was to ask what his expecations of you are. Maybe that's something that needs to be clarified. If you have traditionally been around the house taking care of the kids, cooking, etc and this is a departure from that he might not like the new role you have taken on. It could also be related to his feeling a little less like the man of the house since you earn more money and you are the athletic one.

Just a shot in the dark but that's what crossed my mind.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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Where can I find someone like you? :)

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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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You may be blowing an off-hand comment out of proportion -- he may be proud of your discipline and was conveying that in a flip remark. In any event, you need to ask him whether he thinks that your training is interfering too much with your family and if he says yes, figure out a way to either make him understand how important it is to you and how important his support is to you or change your goals to something that requires less time. I would caution against cataloging all you do versus all he does -- marriage, IMHO, is not about whether the burden is shared 50/50 equal or who takes on more responsibility in various areas of your life (except in the extreme examples where one spouse does everything and the other virtually nothing). It sounds like you guys have a pretty good division of labor going and it also sounds like you structure things to minimize family interference, which leads me back to my initial point -- you really may have misinterpreted his comment. Ask him and tell him to be honest.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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my gut reaction is it doesn't sound to me like the issue is who watches the kids. he sounds like he's feeling emasculated, whether it's by watching the kids, being self-employed, making far less money than you, whatever. sounds like a power issue to me. kiddo ~~ ya gotta pretend like he's in charge! that's the only way i can figure out to keep my personal DH happy ~~ somehow convince him that he's big and strong and good and needed and all-powerful and all-wonderful blahhditttyblahblah. happy DH, happy me. :) i put the little game in the category of *woman's wiles.* no harm, no foul. above all, if the relationship's pretty intact, i'd advise against serious conversations. DH never really listens anyway if i'm in serious mode.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
"need to sit him down and have a really long talk about his attitude toward your training."

Nick, I assume you must be single and without children?


Yes,I'm a dateless loser who likes Sex and the City,Desperate Housewives and prefers chick flicks to action movies.I did however have a Hugh Jackman movie night last night with a mate.My macho meter took a real hit when we started watching Van Helsing and my first comment was that I really liked the girls outfits in that movie.My mate told me that I really need to get laid.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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I think you two should have a sit down, and discuss the balance of responsibilities. It may just have been a flip remark, or your husband got caught in an off moment. However, you know your husband the best, and you seem genuinely concerned. Talk about it - diffuse the situation instead of worrying, you will feel better and the whole issue will seem smaller once it is addressed. Then, you can work on an agreeable solution.
We have two little guys (5&3), and my husband plays competitive volleyball. We joke that we keep records of our "sport time" on a spreadsheet to ensure equal division. We've also found creative ways to handle childcare. Our pool has a lap lane open during swim lessons- I can swim while the little guys are in lessons. I've also traded weeks with a tri team member. I'll have her daughter over for a play date at our house during a long group ride, then we switch the following week. Spouse has taken the kids to the sand courts with beach toys. He can play and watch, while the kids dig in the open neighboring court. You could also look into getting a babysitter for long bricks a few times a month.
Remember both of you look better, feel better, and are setting a great example for your kids, because you are athletes. It is a challenge - but you gain so much by making your sports a priority. It's rough right now, but it's worth it. There is nothing better in the world than family, sports...and books. Take care of yourself. It gets easier! :)
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for the feedback - I'm not sure if it's a serious problem - yet! - but that thought that it's partly my fault has crossed my mind. It's hard to fit everything into a short little 24-hour day! I'll probably cut back on the training after my half-iron race in July and take more days off. That'll make his life easier I'm sure.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [tri2volley] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for the feedback, Mrs. Tri2volley. Actually I mentioned it to him, and he was not supportive - said that it was true, and he didn't want to go to any more of my social events.

I'm envious that you have a workable balance, so each of you can do the things you love and, and include the kids too! I didn't even konw that there were competitive volleyball teams. Sounds like a fun sport. Do you train for triathlons too, with little 5 & 3 year olds? I can't wait until mine are old enough to swim, or to go running or biking together. THey're just learning to get their faces wet in the water, and learning to ride with training wheels. Maybe when they're 8 or 9. But I'm glad to see them interested in getting outdoors and being active, even at this young age.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [Local Star] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Where can I find someone like you? :)
In couples counseling.. :)
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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It stood out to me that you brought up the salary discrepincies between you and your husband even though they weren't necessarily related to the conversation. You could have just as easily said that being a stay at home mom was not an option - which many of us would completely understand - but instead you highlighted the fact that you bring home the family income while he works part-time and makes very little. That to me sounds like there is a larger "balance of power" issue going on in your relationship. The comment about tri training may just be a symptom of a much larger issue.


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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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Hi - The others all make good points. Without seeming negative or positive for either side, I can tell you this. I have heard this scenario many times before. I have seen some pretty abysmal situations improve if and when the DH gets included more. And I don't mean, have him volunteer for a race and cheer more for you. But to be patient, put out the bait and see if he takes it. What would he do if you asked him to share your lane for a swim? No, really. Or, maybe train for a 5k together.

I honestly have seen that work a few times when nothing else does.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [lilpups] [ In reply to ]
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Lilypups - I know- I felt silly about writing that and edited it out - totally irrelevant to the topic. But obviously it's an issue for us. I'm glad I posted this somewhat personal subject. It got the subject off my chest in an anonymous kind of way, and I appreciate not being trashed in the feedback.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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"I'm not sure if it's a serious problem - yet!"

I'm sorry if it appeared if I jumped on you a bit, but as someone who has been previously divorced, in retrospect what seemed like small problems at the time, manifested themselves into larger issues. This my not be your case, but my advice would still be be to address it ASAP and be sure that it's not really a problem with your significant other.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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I think this is my first participation on the womens... do i get a cookie?

Anyways, sometimes, its all perception. My wife complaints once in a while (she is a stay at home mom but with 2 small children thats a hard job, but thats for another time)

My wife sometimes has complained that I train too much... in her mind she has perceived this :) (I dont, my average is like 7 hours/week now and it got up to 10 last year). I usually do a lot of my training like you, start at around 5:30 to 6AM and done by 7:00 usually on weekdays. I run commute back from my office 2 or 3 days a week and it takes me literally like 15-20 minutes longer only if I was to either drive back or walk to the metro station and take the metro back.

On weekends if I looks like i'll have the time i go on a group ride or if not start really early by myself. I am usually done one way or the other by 9:30AM

Now, one of the issues and this one is true and really hard to fix since my daughters wake up at random times is that she has to get up early to take care of them because the woke up toooooo soon. Its a numbers game, sometimes I am done before they are up sometimes I miss it. If your husband has an issue with this, it probably doesnt matter if you start early or not if his issue is that he has to wake up earlier than he wants to since you are out training.

I explained to my wife that my time training during weekdays is pretty much the same amount of time I have to spend walking the dog. Or that I could be pretty much watching the news at 7am for 1h (she wouldnt complain about that) but instead I chose to be running or riding for the exact same hour.

What I do sometimes to gain brownie points is that I take my older daughter around with me (and we have a blast) and leave the baby with her since she prefers that so she can rest or do stuff that she couldnt do if I am not watching the kids, therefore if I was training she couldnt do it... see perception. So i take my daughter with me for hours to do stuff I needed to do anyways (bike shop, supermarket, etc) or if the weather is OK, i take her for my run so I kill 2 birds with the same stone.

I try to fit workouts while together (running on the treadmill while watching a movie), doing swimcordz while watching the NBA finals or if I am needed at the house 100% instead of going on a planned ride i use the trainer. That way perception changes and you are there to help in 2 seconds and not "out training all the time". Sometimes I have to split my long run so I can be home for sure before the kids wake up so she can sleep in on sundays. Sometimes I go out really early and she doesnt even notices I trained that day. Its all perception.

Maybe the times that you are out are more inconvenient than other possibilities, maybe he wants to sleep longer and he will be OK if you train in the afternoon at some point.

Conclusion, you need to find out more

PEace

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"Bros b4 Hos, man" House MD

Team Aquaphor 06-08
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [dreaming~big] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
ya gotta pretend like he's in charge! that's the only way i can figure out to keep my personal DH happy ~~ somehow convince him that he's big and strong and good and needed and all-powerful and all-wonderful blahhditttyblahblah. happy DH, happy me. :) i put the little game in the category of *woman's wiles.* no harm, no foul. above all, if the relationship's pretty intact, i'd advise against serious conversations. DH never really listens anyway if i'm in serious mode.

I think this is terrible advice. Honesty and communication are key in any relationship. Not avoiding it, or playing a "little game" as you put it. If you can't have a serious conversation with your SO... then wow. I'm sorry.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [lisac957] [ In reply to ]
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thank you Doctor Phyllis.

kindler & gentler. kindler & gentler. kindler & gentler.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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I see this a LOT in relationhips in this sport. I've seen the training spouse go to great lengths to please the other, but usually to no avail. And here's why:

It's called jealousy. It has no reason or logic. The unhappy spouse sees the amount of energy and passion the training spouse is willing to devote to something other than their relationship. To something that seems trivial and silly. That the training spouse is willing to get up at 4 am only makes matters worse in their mind - would he or she have gotten up at 4 am for "me?"


Coach at KonaCoach Multisport
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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6 Months ago, I could have written your post.

My DH was equally unsupportive. I didn't say a word to him about it. When he remarked about how much I spent on my bike, I commented on his plasma tv. I let it lie. Then, he came to my first race, drove the course with me, pointing out potential pitfalls - and sat out in the rain at the finish line when no one else was there.

I thanked him and let him pick the food on the way home. For the next race, I told him I appreciated his support, but he was welcome to stay home as the kiddo was at grandmas and he could sleep in. He was standing on the porch at 6 am, hungover, but ready to go. He missed the entire race, on a quest for breakfast (course marshalls lied and wouldn't let him back in, after they told us he could). He made it back in time for the finish, and took me out for breakfast. When we ran into one of my old co-workers at breakfast, he was quick to point out that I had just done a tri (I wasn't going to say a word). I think he was proud.

He's my pit-crew, and biggest fan - now. But it wasn't always that way.

That said, if and when he realizes it's important, he'll help out. And maybe he won't. But you can and will find support elsewhere - like here.

Don't be so easy on yourself 'cause this one might be all that you have left
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [cyclingmamaof2] [ In reply to ]
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After reading many of the responses here it seems that reactions and situations are definitely as personal as each individual. I can share some of your concerns as well because most of the time I tend to think that my husband isn't very supportive either, and that he is sometimes resentful of all the time I would spend training. However, he is proud of my accomplishments and the first to point it out to people.

That being said, he has also made very similar comments as your husband -- that he never sees me because I'm always training. Now that I have my own business I'm the one home in my office and more in control of my schedule. Since I've been plagued with accidents and injuries this spring I haven't had any opportunities to take any advantage of this, unfortunately. I still spend a lot of evenings out at workouts and clinics while he is home. I try to keep it down to two nights a week.

On the spectator issue -- my husband has come to a couple of races. He'll come to the short ones sometimes, and came to one Ironman. After that he proclaimed it was one of the most boring spectator sports because he just didn't have enough to do all day while waiting for me. He then refused to come to any more races and said I had much more fun with my friends. So when I finished my next ironman after a particularly grueling and hot day I got back to my room only to find that he had left 3 voicemails, downloaded the photos from the ironmanlive site, and had called my family and friends with updates as the day went on. Go figure! He seems to like to watch from home and actually is more involved that way.

Social events -- lets face it, you get a bunch of runners or triathletes together and that's all they talk about. That's pretty hard to swallow for someone who isn't interested in the sport. Give the guy a break and go by yourself. You might surprise yourself that you are both happier that way as long as you still find time to do things together. I think that's the really important part - being able to share so that you each have time to do the things you want to do and find some time to do things together.
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Re: Triathlons and family- unsupportive spouse [Terra-Man] [ In reply to ]
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i don't think it's jealousy at all. rather, i think it's about the other partner having to shoulder responsibilities because their mate is out riding a bicycle for hours and hours on end, week after week, month after month.

it is very difficult to have it all, plus be in the sport of triathlon. the reality is that something has to give.

sometimes it's the relationship, time with the family, career, household responsiblities or cutting the grass. something has to give, nobody can do it all. from time to time there are pressure points because of the demands of life and tri on top of that can make it difficult. i rarely find these obstacles are due to jealousy.
Last edited by: kittycat: Jun 11, 08 10:39
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