Stressed out over eating stuff

Mar 5, 10 10:12

Post #1 of 53 (10393 views)

I have been doing really, really well with eating enough and not bingeing, purging, or starving myself [too much] since mid December. I've had a couple days with those 'symptoms' but for the most part my calendar is covered in stickers (sticker = day w/o symptoms). I'm happy about that, BUT...

Over the past couple weeks, my goal was to stop the "mini restricting" and eat enough. One of my friends in group therapy pointed out "the reason I can't follow my whole meal plan is if I do that, it means I am accepting myself as I am." That was a lightning bolt that I feel the same thing - if I consciously eat enough, I am consciously accepting my body as is. In general I like how I look, but there is still a nagging voice that would like to be thinner, leaner, both. So I've been eating enough, and then waking up in the morning feeling sad that I'm not any thinner than I was the day before, and that I made the conscious choice to do that... when I could just as easily restrict.

I've noticed lately that I've been hungry all the time; my dietician said that my metabolism is speeding up and eating more/enough won't make me gain any weight. This is good news, but I'm frightened because when I trusted her last spring and summer - and upped my CHO and protein intake - I gained a whole bunch of leg muscle that I didn't really want. (So I like skinny runner legs, not cycling legs. And thinking about that muscle being good for performance doesn't help me - it's not a strong enough desire - I'd rather have skinny legs). I am scared that I'll gain the leg muscle back, etc. I also feel like I'm not as lean as I was when I started to see her - I used to be able to feel and see my ribs better through my back; I loved it. My favorite pair of pants used to make my hips and legs look like a clothes hanger; I can't stand to have anything - muscle or fat - filling them more.

So I have a choice, which is
1) Keep eating enough like I have been, approach more normal eating habits and embrace the speedy metabolism I have when I am not in the depths of an eating disorder... and in doing so, repeatedly send the message to my brain that my body is FINE and I don't need to lose any weight or body fat

2) Go back to eating like I was before I started working with the dietician and get skinnier and leaner. I was still at a healthy weight then, just a lower healthy weight and a lower healthy body fat.

I am so, so, so leaning toward the second one right now. Any insight, support, tough love, ideas? I did email my dietician with something similar to this yesterday but she didn't write back yet.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 5, 10 11:18

Post #2 of 53 (10366 views)

This is a real tough one for me to weigh in on. I hope I have not been a bad distraction of late with my current regimen but here are my thoughts.

Option 1 - I think this will be really hard. I think you can do it for awhile but you will need to keep you support base close, keep tabs with your dietitian, and keep going to group therapy (I really wish I had a group I could go to.) The point is I dont think you will be able to overcome the ED voice that tells you to restrict on purge on your own.

Option 2 - My issue with this is that the ED will tell you its a healthy weight but we all know deep down it wont be. I also know its never enough. You will never be thin or lean enough with option 2. I told you about my weigh in this AM but what I didnt mention was that I expected to be so excited but in the end i felt so hollow about the number. It wasnt good enough. I was already wishing for a lower number. I think before I even saw it I knew it wouldnt be good enough. Thats the ED telling me that I need to lose more that If I get a little thinner I will be happy. Happy with my weight, my body, the number. But I dont think I ever will. I still have not set what I think I want. Mostly b/c I dont want to say it out loud.

SO my point is I feel option 2 will just keep you under the control of the ED whereas option 1 is a path that continues your recovery. Of course what totally sucks like a 12.5 amp Hoover with on board attachments and an LED headlight is that option 1 is the hard one and the one im admittedly not taking right now.

so lastly big hugs! I hope this helps some.

________________________________________________

God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [suparuki] [ In reply to ]

Mar 5, 10 15:21

Post #3 of 53 (10283 views)

In Reply To:

Option 1 - I think this will be really hard. I think you can do it for awhile but you will need to keep you support base close, keep tabs with your dietitian, and keep going to group therapy (I really wish I had a group I could go to.) The point is I dont think you will be able to overcome the ED voice that tells you to restrict on purge on your own.

Agreed, and I have support - plenty of it - my dietician also pointed out that restricting now just sets me back more; it's more metabolic damage. I am also trying to remind myself that I am not racing right now: I'm trying to stay injury-free. So I do not NEED to be super lean. I want to be but want/need are different things, and really lean/thin is not necessarily healthy - a minimum healthy weight and minimum healthy body fat are really just the edge of disaster. (right?)

In Reply To:

Thats the ED telling me that I need to lose more that If I get a little thinner I will be happy. Happy with my weight, my body, the number. But I dont think I ever will. I still have not set what I think I want. Mostly b/c I dont want to say it out loud.

Things that make me happy: doing well in school (which is really hard right now), exercise, reading, writing, feeling creative, feeling playful, feeling energetic... being thin DOES feel good though. I agree that it's so easy to get trapped into not feeling thin enough, ever, or lean enough ever; there is still something happy to me at being at that min healthy weight or body fat. (I do not, btw, know what I weigh OR what my body fat % is ---- I'm judging by clothes).

It's like: being at a minimum healthy body weight/ composition is not as skeletal as I'd LIKE to be but it's like a compromise and the idea of gaining weight and muscle freaks me out, even though they keep telling me it won't happen. It's like camping in the woods and they can tell you there are no bears that wlll come eat you in the night but you are still afraid of the bears!

My head just feels a mess. I did eat enough today (I think. well we just had dinner and my tummy seems to be grumbling again. But calorie wise I THINK I ate enough). This whole "refeeding" process is so anxiety-producing.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 5, 10 17:41

Post #4 of 53 (10247 views)

just fucking eat.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [damien] [ In reply to ]

Mar 5, 10 20:21

Post #5 of 53 (10209 views)

In Reply To:

just fucking eat.

A cheeseburger

____________________________________________________________
Link to my photography
http://davidsavoiephotography.blogspot.com/
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Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 5, 10 23:11

Post #6 of 53 (10189 views)

I'm not a medical person, but I think Option2 would be a really bad idea. I don't think the issue is about your weight, I think it is about changing your self image. I also feel really strongly about looking after yourself now so your body and mind are healthy as you get older. It's a tough road, but hang in there.

Lisa

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [Mr + Mrs C.C.] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 8:01

Post #7 of 53 (10139 views)

In Reply To:

I'm not a medical person, but I think Option2 would be a really bad idea. I don't think the issue is about your weight, I think it is about changing your self image. I also feel really strongly about looking after yourself now so your body and mind are healthy as you get older. It's a tough road, but hang in there.

Lisa

Thanks, Lisa. You're right that it's an image issue - focusing on what I eat or what I don't is a "distraction" from the real issue.

I am working on the self image / body image thing and have been for a long time; it is getting better. I am just in a current freak out :P

I had a good workout this morning and that was affirming.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 8:29

Post #8 of 53 (10134 views)

I'm curious as to how much narcissism plays into eating disorders. I've read bits and pieces about ED's but I still can't wrap my head around them or other types of addiction either. I can understand the control thing, but to the "I like my skinny legs more than muscley legs..." my response is (and I don't mean this in a "hater" sort of way) get over yourself. ED's seem to be about me, me, me...what I can't eat, what I cant eat, let's talk about me and how I look and how much I weigh or don't weigh....

I would love a flat stomach, smaller boobs and skinny legs, but that's not what mother nature or my genetics gave me. I've got curves even when I'm thin and that's that. Do I love my body all the time, no, but I do the best with what I have and I'm thankful for it. As I've aged I've realized there is so much more to life than how I look and that beauty comes in many shapes and forms. Embrace who you are, strong, smart with so much ahead of you and what sounds like a caring family.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your ED TC, I have no idea what that is like. My hope for you is that you can "get over yourself, your weight, your boobs and your legs" and learn to love who you are for what you are and focus your energy on something positive other than your looks.

Last edited by: QRgirl: Mar 6, 10 9:53

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [QRgirl] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 9:16

Post #9 of 53 (10123 views)

right said, QRgirl.

just get over yourself and eat. There is a bigger world out there.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [damien] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 9:41

Post #10 of 53 (10119 views)

I have dealt with similar issues, not ED for me but alcoholism. I still struggle, but I can tell you that option two is your mind trying to justify what you want, not what you know you should do. It's the harder road but you need to stick to option one, option two is you enabling yourself, been there done that.

Jim

**Note above poster works for a retailer selling bikes and related gear*

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [QRgirl] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 14:41

Post #11 of 53 (10061 views)

I can assure you that Narcissism has nothing to do with actual anorexia. The silly little girls that complain about looking good for spring break and purge for a week beforehand then put on their Prada accessories....Narcissistic probably.

The people with real disorders are altogether different. It's very similar (perhaps related) to OCD. It's a compulsion that can't be 'gotten over' by will power. Simply saying "get over yourself" cannot help and does hurt. If it had any part with Narcissism then they wouldn't pursue thinness to the point of being unattractive. Narcisists need to be the hottest thing going.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 14:43

Post #12 of 53 (10061 views)

Hopefully I'm chiming in to offer encouragement. I have never had to deal with an eating disorder myself but I often feel like it wouldn't be that hard to get one. I look a LOT like my mother but lots thinner and well, I often hope I never get a body like hers. I'm always around triathletes that are leaner and faster than me and I often think I should lose some weight so I can be leaner and faster too.

You have to mentally 'buck up' and overcome. You have to decide in your mind that you want to do option #1, you have to decide you want to be healthy more than skinny. You have to fortify yourself to have your mind swim upstream. Because that is what it will feel like. Swimming upstream.

Keep a 3 x 5 card in your pocket with a motivational phrase on it and take it out and look at it every so often.

I have this posted on my desk at work "I have to fight this battle with the army I have, not the army I want" which reminds me that there's some things I can't change about myself.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 14:54

Post #13 of 53 (10056 views)

I agree with QRGirl in that you really have to get outside your own head. Look at what you listed as making yourself happy:

doing well in school (which is really hard right now), exercise, reading, writing

These are all very solitary. I'm not sure it is narcissism as much as not seeing the big picture and one reason you aren't is that you spend so much time inside yourself. It is extrememly hard to have perspective when the only person talking to you is either yourself or someone talking to you about your problems. Do you have people you spend time with? Friends that have nothing to do with your ED and you can do silly things with?

I understand that an eating disorder is an illness but you really need to find a way to stop focusing on yourself so much. You are missing out on a lot of incredible things.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [determination] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 14:58

Post #14 of 53 (10052 views)

In Reply To:

You have to mentally 'buck up' and overcome. You have to decide in your mind that you want to do option #1, you have to decide you want to be healthy more than skinny. You have to fortify yourself to have your mind swim upstream. Because that is what it will feel like. Swimming upstream.

I think I'm at a turning point: I can either suck it up and keep eating like I am supposed to (and reap all the positive health things from that: like I got bloodwork results back today and those are all okay :-)

... or continue/choose to have an eating disorder (which does suck but has some reedeming qualities.)

Today is the first time I've thought of it as that turning point: either keep eating enough/stay in recovery... or slip back into it. It feels more black and white, less confusing then when I wrote this yesterday. If that makes sense :P

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [JenHS] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 14:59

Post #15 of 53 (10050 views)

In Reply To:

doing well in school (which is really hard right now), exercise, reading, writing

These are all very solitary. I'm not sure it is narcissism as much as not seeing the big picture and one reason you aren't is that you spend so much time inside yourself. It is extrememly hard to have perspective when the only person talking to you is either yourself or someone talking to you about your problems. Do you have people you spend time with? Friends that have nothing to do with your ED and you can do silly things with?

I love the people I work with (other grad students in my office) and like some of the silly stuff we do. I probably do not do social stuff often enough - I've been actively working on that lately thought.

Thanks for the kick to keep doing it :P

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 15:05

Post #16 of 53 (10046 views)

When I was unemployed for 4 months last year I sent WAY too much time by myself and started to lose a lot of perspective. My husband would kick me out of the house and make me spend time with friends. Huge difference. Got me thinking about other things aside from how much it sucked to be unemployed and what was happening on Days of Our Lives.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 10 19:03

Post #17 of 53 (9989 views)

Hi tigerchik,

I have a lot of eating issues. I struggle with it all the time. I don't have any kind of network of people I can talk to about it, and I don't really know if I could actually talk if I was in a group like that. This might just be the first time I have actually admitted out loud that I have a problem. Right now, mostly I am a mess, but working on getting better. I may not be the best person for giving advice!!

I am not sure if this helps at all, but I find that when I am facing something that seems overwhelming, I break it down into smaller pieces. Option 1 doesn't seem so bad if you only have to do it for a day, or half a day, or... the trick is to extend the time period again and again. But for now, just concentrate on sticking to it for the smaller do-able time period. Just keep going a little longer...

Think of the effort you have made up until now, all the hard work to get that metabolism going speedier.

I know it sounds easy. I also know it is not always easy to do.

Good luck. You can do it!!! I have my fingers crossed for you!!

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 7, 10 17:08

Post #18 of 53 (9850 views)

Hi Tigerchik,

I love your honesty in all your posting, it's refreshing!

I like Option 1: creating - through hard work - healthy mind habits; trying to create a positive association with food input/body output, self-acceptance. You are obviously a high achiever in many areas of life, i guess one time when you were younger you "achieved" also in the area of restricting dietary intake successfully - and now that you're older and emerging into the real world, you have realised there is something unhealthy about your approach. I struggled for a few years in my teens with weight and calorie intake. i severely restricted myself and was so proud of my slim body and being able to see my hip bones. Through pressure from family and friends over a few months I caved and began eating - though it took a few years to really establish a "healthy" eating pattern and sutainable weight. Now I look back and realise I screwed my metabolism for quite a few years. It probably got back on track around 5 (or more?) years later....and now I also look at young women with eating disorders and feel so sad for them - it is a hellish mental place to be in.

So - how to crawl out of it? I liked JenHSs point a lot. It is introspection that leaves you struggling to clamber out of your mental hellhole. "Me, myself, and I" can be an unpleasant combination for someone like yourself it seems (even if you think you like it). Perhaps challenge youself to a social situation which may make you uncomfortable at first - but will provide you with a better perspective on life. Go hang out at the paedeatrics ward, or the cancer ward of a hospital, volunteer for sick, terminally ill kids, learn to apprecaite nature/gardens, think about how you want others to see you in 10 or 20 - or 30 years time. Do you see yourself with a loving husband, children, travelling solo, owning your own house with a garden to care for, a pet, helping others, setting an example in society in some way? Do you want to still be stuck in a pattern of letting food control your life?

Regardless of how you choose to approach it, I believe a number of factors will unltimately contribute to your success - renewed self belief and understanding of your body's abilities, expanding your life socially, choosing to enjoy solo and group activities, therapy etc. It won't be easy - even afterwards be prepared to accept there will still be "fat days" in with good days. But you seem pretty tough - hang in there and believe that one day you will have a healthy view on your body and really appreciate good food. I wish you much luck and success in your life!

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [cherelli] [ In reply to ]

Mar 7, 10 18:32

Post #19 of 53 (9826 views)

You make a very good point. I always struggle with the therapy thing, where you take responsibility and work on things. So often they suggest things to help you, but get you to "focus" on your problem, like 95% of your waking hours. I don't think that is healthy. Whether you are doing the thing you don't want to or focusing on all the reasons not to do it and winning, it's still focusing on the "problem". Developing other positive areas of your life where you enjoy the outcomes and rewards is very important. Eventually that can outweigh all the negative energy of your disorder and motivate you. Negative energy is a bad thing, and focusing on an eating disorder, even when you're winning your battle, can be negative. Developing other areas of your life can create positive energy, and get you into a positive spiral.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 7:12

Post #20 of 53 (9744 views)

I know what it's like to struggle with an ED, i have done so myself but it is surmountable. You do not want to wake up one day and realise that you have wasted most of your life on something so pointless that has made you so unhappy. You only get one shot TC, you should life your life to the utmost and enjoy it, and i believe that only option 1 will eventually get you to that place. Option 2 is just a step backwards. You know it and you know what to do. Just be brave and keep taking steps in the right direction, a little more each day. Being thinner won't make you happier, it will never be enough and while you feel like that, nothing will ever make you truly happy. You can do it. x

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 11:11

Post #21 of 53 (9696 views)

the stockholm solution.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7MZOx4eHf0

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [dirtyharri] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 11:39

Post #22 of 53 (9687 views)

Being thinner DOES make me happier though. It is one of many things that makes me happy.

That's kinda where I get hung up. I wasn't happy when I was skeletal, but I am happier when I am thinner/leaner.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [Bamboo] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 11:41

Post #23 of 53 (9685 views)

Trying, very hard. Yesterday was NOT a good day. Today is not good either but not as bad as yesterday. I am snacking and trying to get back on the wagon... am substitute teaching and that is forcing social interaction and, thank god, giving me something to focus on.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 12:11

Post #24 of 53 (9673 views)

So today is good. You are doing better than yesterday!! You are snacking!! You are getting back on the bandwagon!! You are interacting!! You are doing great!!! Just keep it up a little longer... the next hour, until you get home, until you finish x... until bedtime!!

You can do this!!! I know you can.

Re: Stressed out over eating stuff [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]

Mar 8, 10 20:35

Post #25 of 53 (9589 views)

Tigerchik,

One thing I've found...given time and the option to stress out over weight/food/training/etc. always led to some bad juju. But, doing other things and getting involved in other things that are worthwhile and make me feel good on the inside...it really helped me out. What are you studying and is there any option to do anything that may be tied to your intended career path? I always find it really worthwhile to volunteer (animal shelter, hellllo!) or doing things with kids or ... even visiting a country (my dad travels a lot and is in the foreign service) where people have...nothing. It's kind of refreshing to see and to realize what you take for granted when you see stuff like that.

Alternatively, have you ever heard of NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School)? I did a Semester abroad (in Australia) and I swear...it changed my life in a lot of ways...but I did not have a single glimpse of myself or a mirror for 2.5 months. That was HUGE and really taught me to appreciate my body because of all the gifts and everything that it has and offers...super super super awesome. I came back feeling like a better person because of it and was super duper confident in myself as a result..mostly of my ability to not shower for 2.5 months and...to let go of training and finding the real "me." Stripping away all the comforts in life, mirrors, good food..you learn a lot about yourself.

Good luck to you.

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