Maybe split a flight with her for her to come see you?? I'm not female, bitter, or single. I don't listen well.

YES, you are definitely not alone on this one. Especially since I'm still finishing my master's degree, and most of my girlfriends my age are now married and popping out kids now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for them, happy to send a gift when I can.

But they also know I'm not working full-time, and my friends have always been gracious when I could not send a gift or attend a party/wedding. If your friends can't do the same, they're acting selfish. You could (if you wanted, not out of any obligation) send a little gift card or something, with a note saying 'drinks are on me, have a great time!'. Just to take the high road... (which you'd never regret).

Jen

Erin, there was a Sex and the City episode about this topic that was genius. Carrie held a party for herself and suggested a very expensive gift that her friend should buy for her. It was awesome. I'm sorry you are struggling with your friend but sometimes no feels better in the long run, even if the short term is awkward. Take care and don't you dare feel selfish about this.

I agree that you should in no way feel selfish. You can't do everything and you've been at a LOT of her life milestones even though you're so far away!

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I remember the episode, I think it's the one where her shoes get stolen and the friend (Tatum O'Neil)has to replace the Manolos.

I'm not feeling selfish about it, just frustrated that she was not very understanding. She's a lovely person but can be a major prima donna sometimes.

Seems kind of ridiculous that she's be so upset. It's not like you're driving distance. Unless you already told her you'd come and you're backing out at the last minute?

Loved the SATC episode, too! I'm about to hit wedding/engagement season big time.

You can't make anyone feel any particular way, so let it go. It's her problem, not yours.

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

I got it a lot when I lived on the mainland. Now, not so much. Another benefit of living in Hawaii... people think of it like another country...way too far away. And they plan big celebrations out here.

I still have it with my family though. My brother's family expects me at every kids birth, Christening, 1st birthday etc. But he won't bring them out here until they are all old enough to behave on a plane...and then they keep having kids.

I have a couple of girlfriends (one married; one single) who have been making such good money for so many years, they've absolutely forgotten that there are some of us who cannot throw money around the way they have come to do.

Neither of them can seem to come up with an activity that costs less than $30 or $50.

One of them came to *my* fortieth - only to complain that I should have had my party in a "swank hipster bar" somewhere rather than in my house. (And I actually live in a great house for parties.)

So I stand my ground. I explain (nearly every time) that I simply don't make enough money to splurge like that. And I have to be the one who comes up with the activity ideas. A (free) hike? What a concept!

One of the two has finally seen the light somewhat, to the point where she is finally coming up with reasonably inexpensive activity ideas on her own.

People who make over $100k/year are probably in the top 3% or so of money earners, yet they somehow start to think that almost everybody lives like this. (Median US salary is shockingly low: about $22,000.)

It's not healthy for people to live in a bubble like that. You are doing them a favor by bursting it for them.

I have a friend who moved out of town for work last year and initially expected me to come visit for her 40th. She had a change of heart and is currently crashing in my spare room as she came here to celebrate.

If she had persisted I would have told her that flights and hotel would cost $600.00+ and asked if she really expected me to pay that much for her birthday present. We normally drop about $20.00 on each other. Luckily she's reasonable and would have got it if I put it that way.

That's a parenting thing - not an age thing.

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Yeah, right. You blew me off on my birthday, too!

bitch...

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
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Get your FIX today?

They are very well behaved kids. I think having 3 and 4 years olds cooped up in airplanes and airports for 13+ hours, the kids need to run and play at some point. Heck I do when I fly on long trips and but I have a little more control over myself and my emotions.

Agreed - kids need time to play and run around. Many if not most airports do have play areas for kids however - it's just a little harder for parents with small kids (say under 8) than for those without/with older ones. I've traveled with kids a fair amount, and while some are definitely more challenging that others, 90% of the so called "problems" are related to the parenting and upbringing of the child, and not the age of the child. I've also spent more time than most on airplanes. :p

13hrs sounds like your family is East Coast - sometimes I forget that Hawaii isn't as "close" for most people as is is for those of us on the West Coast. Still, if they refuse to take them over purely because the kids are too young to behave, that's a cop-out.

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

Yes, east coast. I agree it's a cop out. I keep thinking I need to 'stage' my wedding to get them to visit. But everyone knows I'm gonna elope when the time comes.

WOW. that is crazy. Don't feel bad at all. I think a friend shouldnt lay a guilt trip on you like that.

I don't think it's so much a "bitter single girl" thing as a "I can't believe that a close friend is acting like this" thing. Seriously, in this economy and at this age, no one should be giving anyone flack because they can't afford to fly down to LA for a big birthday bash. As someone else about to turn 40 this spring, I'd hazard a guess this is more personal fallout (i.e. if I have the perfect birthday bash I won't feel bad about turning 40... ) than something that you've done. I'd try talking to her about it, if you think it will help. But for what it's worth, it doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong here.

M

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

by the way... are you having a big 4-oh b-day bash?

Nope, I'm going to Orcas with M and the hubby for some kayaking, bike riding and quiet sobbing. ;-) I thought about having a big shin-dig, but this was much more appealing.

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

As a man, I can't really reply with an answer to your dilemma, but I am not sure I understand the cost isse in regards to the flights? If you are looking at big box carriers like American, Continental, and Delta, then yes, that will be expensive but depending on the lead time, Soutwest offers flights from both SeaTac and Spokane to L.A. with fares as low as $109 each way (web only), which after adding in TSA's take is still sub $260 round trip.

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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is a classic problem with men and women - she didn't ask for you to solve the problem. She wanted someone to listen/commiserate.

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

I fly out of PSC. Southwest doesn't service here.

It's not so much a huge $ issue, but the flight times were bad, putting me in late ound out really early. If I"m going to drop $400 on a flight to SoCal., I want to be able to spend a fair amount of time with my friend.

Khai is right though, I wanted my peers to commiserate. At this age, I've willingly dropped serious coin on friend's "life events" and was just sad that she was so upset for missing this one.

LOL

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

You know you're really a womens, right? ;-)

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com