I'm 39 with no kids. There was only one 6 month period in my life, in my early 20s, when I wanted a baby but it had more to do with trying to save a relationship than any real desire to have kids. I hated babysitting as a teenager and have a hard time getting excited about anybody's babies except my brother's.

If you don't feel a strong instinct to have kids then don't. I think there is a huge pressure for women to have children as a way of defining themselves but not everyone should be or needs to be a mom. Only women who really want kids, who love the idea of being a mom, should have them. The moms I know who really wanted kids are the best ones I know. Some of them came to that conclusion in their 20s but most always knew. I always knew I didn't want them and my other kidless friends who are my age feel the same.

If you don't want kids, it is OK to not have kids and don't let any female relative tell you that decision is "selfish". Drives me nuts.

My opinion isn't always popular on this topic but there it is. I have no regrets at all. I have a niece and nephew that I can buy cute stuff for and watch grow up and for me, that is perfect.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

I'm 35, almost 36 and I don't think I want kids. I used to know I didn't want kids, and I'm still 99% sure I don't want kids, I think I'm too selfish with enjoying my life the way it is to have kids. Now I won't rule out what might happen if I meet a great guy who I think would make a wonderful stay at home father (and that is what he wanted to do), and he and I thought we could survive on my income alone. I love my nephews, but even being around them makes me realize how that is not a life I really want.

Wow, jenhs, we are one in the same. I wanted kids briefly in my mid-20's then it went away. I too am 39 and have zero desire to be a mom. Luckily my friends and family have never pressured me.

Here's the funny thing though. I would glady be a surrogate. Call me crazy but I'd like to experience pregnancy, I'd just want someone to take the baby once it's hatched. :-)

I'm 41, no kids, I never felt the draw to have any. I have lots of nieces and nephews that I borrow when I feel like I want to do some fun things that they will enjoy (ie, like take them camping).

What Jenhs said :)

Hubby and I took 11 & 9 y/o niece and nephew to D.C. for along weekend. I'm 45. We both came home thinking why do folks have kids? no, really? I know I'll get flack for this position but I think most people have kids to somehow enhance their lives or have mini me's. I meant to add, the folks who set out to have kids, no the "oops I'm pregnant variety" The commitment is HUGE, both psychologically and financially. There's no guarantee you kid won't end up an ungrateful piece of shite as an adult, really, you cannot guarantee that.

I always laff at the folks who say to us "But who's gonna take care of you when you're old?" I mean, really, can you believe that people actually believe that, that if they have kids, that somehow those kids will have an obligation to care for them in their old age?

That said, when we got home, I came away with HUGE ADMIRATION for all you gals here that have kids and train! Egads, how you juggle it all, I cannot fathom. Kudos to you!!!

You and I may be twins....

I'm 20. I can't imagine being pregnant - now or ever. I feel like if I don't have kids, I will be missing out on "something" and I'm also curious what "baby tigerchik" would be like, LOL (hopefully every bit as unusual as I am). But I can't imagine being responsible for someone else 24-7, having to "give up" a lot of MY TIME to take care of someone else. Then there's the whole idea of being fat for 9 months (don't start with the "it's just baby weight" because I can't separate the two... I like my stomach nice and flat thankyouverymuch).

I kinda feel like I am far too wrapped up in me and my interests to be a good mom. I don't think I'd be neglectful, but I resent things that interfere with what I want to do and I think kids that would take so much of my attention... I would resent them for that.

Maybe something will click one day and I will love and adore some tigerchicklets :)

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
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We need more people like you, who don't feel the need to bred for babies. There is a serious over population problem and will only get worse. There is only so much space and a limited resources to go around. It sounds like you have a very rich life without kids. I take my hat off to you for not contributing to the over population problem.

Many have already answered they never wanted kids - which is fine. To your question - at your age it was not even a thought.
I was in my mid to late 20s before ANY thought of kids entered my mind. While many things changed after having kids (at 33 and 35) they are the light of my life and were worth EVERYTHING. They are the reason my marriage was not a waste.

Wanting or not wanting kids is normal. Both sides.

Kids ARE a huge commitment and I wish people needed a license to breed!

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cat
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I think most people have kids to somehow enhance their lives or have mini me's.

I highly doubt that is the motivation for "most" parents. Being a good parent requires quite a bit of selflessness. That is the exact opposite of your hypothesis. Its fine to "not get it", but I don't think its fair to put that judgment on those of us that do.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

I couldn't imagine life without my kids (18 & 23), but the only reason to have kids is because you want them. Too many unwanted babies are born as it is.

I've tended to believe that at least some women who claim not wanting to have kids secretely wish things had worked out differently for them relationship wise and they did have kids. Sort of like people who claim that they're much happier being single.

You're a 21 yr old college kid. Don't even think about kids until you're ready for them.

You might change your mind when you're a bit older and you might not. The good thing is that you don't have to worry about it now and you have choices in your life. That's one of the best things that the women's movement has done for all of us. We have choices that earlier generations didn't have.

Having kids is the best thing ever - and the hardest thing ever. You should be ready for it. I don't think it's a good idea to look at other people's kids though and make a decision based on that because it's totally different having your own. It's a kind of love that can't be explained. When you meet the right guy and get a little older you might start to really want kids but if not then I think there's nothing wrong with that. People shouldn't pressure you to have kids if you don't want them but as a parent I really want to get some grandkids out of my girls someday!

I think it's good you don't want kids yet at 21, it's too young!

"If you don't want kids, it is OK to not have kids and don't let any female relative tell you that decision is "selfish". Drives me nuts."

I'm a 28 yr. old guy and this, too, drives me nuts. It makes no sense.

My friend (who has kids) says, "If you have them, they are a joy unparalleled. If you don't have them, you won't miss them."

Me three. It's just as selfish to decide to HAVE kids as it is to decide not to. I'm not saying it's a bad thing--some kinds of selfish are good things--just that it's equally selfish. (Actually, in some ways it may be more so, as there is no NEED for to add any more kids.)

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
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My favorite quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert was when the author's sister told her "having kids is like getting a tattoo on your face. You'd better be pretty sure you want it." (Or something like that!)

To quote myself: I know I'll get flack for this position

Katy, what is the motivation, and I mean that sincerely? It can't be propagation of the species, as the planet is overpopulated I thought for a minute or two I wanted them but think it was society's expectation. And then when I found "the one" we briefly thought, oh, it'd be cool, but quickly changed our minds.

You are very right, to be a good parent it is the most selfless thing you can do. The child will factor into every decision one makes. I still can't help but believe there is some element of egoism that goes into becoming/being a parent.

I still can't help but believe there is some element of egoism that goes into becoming/being a parent.

You're probably right for many people. I don't think having children is completely selfless - I do think there is a bit of selfishness in there. I had children because I wanted them. I wanted to raise children. I love being around children and always have. I wanted to experience the joy of motherhood and the challenge of raising a child the way I believe is right. I truly believe that I am leaving the world a better place because I have children. I know that sounds kind of conceited and sappy, but I really do believe that my children make the world better. Can't explain it any more than that.

There are many people who should not have children, but I think you'll agree that if every person in North America suddenly decided to stop having children, then our lives would certainly not be better. A healthy middle-ground is needed, I believe.

Raising a child involves selfless acts (or, at least if you're doing it right ;-)). The decision to HAVE children, IMO, is largely a selfish one.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

boy, you have a big ego. " I truly believe that I am leaving the world a better place because I have children. " Maybe this world would be a better place if all you mommy want to bee's go collect all the thousand and thousand of kids that are dumped like stray animals. Do you think your kids will be the one's who find a cure for aids, or solve the oil crisis, or the water crisis or hundreds of other problems this world faces? What bubble do you live in? Where I live, most of the kids do not have fathers they know, and are being raised by single moms. And the rest, have fathers, but also brothers and sisters from other mommy's. And a few actually have a mommy and a daddy, that have sex with each other like its supposed to be, instead of the whole neighborhood. . Have fun continuing to live in that bubble.

You can't negate biology. Its a drive most of us are born with. Beyond that, for many there is immense joy in family. Your earlier post talked about no guaranties that your kid won't grow up to ba an ass. That is not a factor at all. Trust me, my brothers have brought a ton of grief to my mother, but not for one minute does she regret having them and raising them. In my experience there is no equat to the parent-> child love. Not even child->parent really comes close. When I had my daughter I understood my mother a lot better.

How many things do we do in life that don't entail a certain amount of egoism? But its crazy to think that is a primary motivation for most. I guess my problem with your post is really that you made a sweeping (negative) generalization about parenthood. Putting a disclaimer in front changes nothing.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

I knew it was just a matter of time before someone blew my statement out of proportion. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your children.

<edited because I was a bit cruel the first time>

"The decision to HAVE children, IMO, is largely a selfish one. "

I'm totally baffled by this comment. Enlighten me please. You sacrifice a lot in some ways (but gain in others) when you have kids, but I don't see how this is a selfish decision.

I once had a guy tell me that he didn't want to have kids because he wouldn't then be able to afford his Audi. To me that's sefish, but quite OK because he would have made a lousy father. At least he realized it.

Welcome to the first thread on The Womens where someone is verbally attacked in such a harsh way. This is why girls play better together than boys do.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce