Fortunately for me my therapist will accept "I feel fat" or "I feel thin" as a feeling

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Fat is what a marshmallow feels like, or a snowman. Fat is what an ice climber feels when he dons a down suit. Fat is what a pufferfish feels when it is scared. Fat is what squirrels and bears feel like when they hibernate.

Thin feels like disappearing; thin feels like spinning in a mirror until, even with the ballet skirt on, you are one long line. Thin feels like the sharp edges of bones. Thin feels like a stick person does; or a wire hanger.

Healthy is the awful place ahead of thin where everyone tells you that you look so wonderful and good and you smile, while screaming inside that you want the bony lines back. Healthy is the awful place where you have those annoying pillows of puppy fat referred to as "breasts." Healthy feels like twice the size you should be, an invisible zipper of your spine, the knowledge that any second now, if you wanted, you could peel off the uncomfortable puppy-fat skin.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Can you imagine that?


A person walks into a shrink's office:

P - I feel fat.
T - You can't "feel" fat, stupid. Fat isn't an emotion.
P - Now I feel fat and dumb... :(

---

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

Often if I am "feeling fat" there is some OTHER emotional reason behind it, but the fat feeling is still valid.

An example: if you binge (eat way more than a normal amt of food in one time, usually really high calorie/fat content) and don't purge (you don't make yourself throw up) you will wake up the next day feeling fat. You might also feel mad at yourself for bingeing; happy that you didn't purge (all kinds of medical complications there); out of control; hopeless... but you will also have all the calories from bingeing stored as fat, or glycogen molecules stored with water, and that IS extra weight. And you can physically feel fat.

Maybe it's not an emotion but a physical feeling? Like feeling sick to your stomach?

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I don't deny that plenty of people "feel" fat (or dumb, or short, or anything else that isn't an emotional state).
Neither do I deny that their feelings are valid, or that their feelings have merit and cause.

I just think the little scenario I concocted was funny. :p

---

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

I have a hunch our "expert" on emotions knows how to google and copy and paste.

Khai- I completely agree with you. Who the hell cares what defines an emotion. You feel fat, you feel fat. It's real to you, and that's what matters.

Tigerchik- in response to your original post and what you posted just above, I would have to disagree when you said you're not getting any better. It seems to me that you are able to identify your thoughts, feelings and emotions (however you might define that word) with an amazing amount of introspection. Clearly, your therapy IS working, and you should keep at it, no matter how lows your lows are, or how discouraged you feel.

Secondly, I gather from some of your other posts that you are a graduate student, first year? Well, I do not have an ED, but as a fourth year graduate student myself, what I can offer you is: you must stick with the therapy and concentrate on the positive, and your improvement over the past 8 years. Graduate school is full of professors and other students who enjoy reducing others to a mere puddle, and it's often easy to find yourself feeling out of control. I also caution you, compared to undergraduate where one receives grades, and there are often right answers, graduate school is (in my experience) finding out most of your hard work is wrong, and could always be better. On the other hand, I do believe that it's a time in your life in which your mental and social development goes through key stages. Perhaps you will find that the graduate student environment is exactly what will help you make it a few steps closer to enjoying being healthy.
Good luck.

mellorite,
It is really more of an art than a science. Thank you for calling me an expert, but I have never made that claim and I am not one under the Federal Rules of Evidence. You'll have to excuse me for being particular about my word choices. In my current line of work, misapplication of a word can negatively the outcome of a legal case. If you are really interested in learning about emotions and understanding emotion regulation and dysregulation, I would suggest (as a doctoral student)reading some of Marsha Linehan's work as she is the "expert" on the most effective (lowest rate of recidivism) treatment for EDs, which is dialectical behavior therapy. The emotion often underlying the "fat feeling" is actually shame, but it varies. That said, I did not intend to invalidate any person's emotions.

I can think of instances in which that makes a lot of sense.

Someone on SF suggested DBT to me. I have done CBT which has been helpful.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Mellorite-

I am fantastic at identifying thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I am fantastic at expressing them.

There's a leap from identifying the emotion and picking a positive coping skill, and sometimes that is REALLY hard to do. I have WAY more symptoms than I want right now.

Yup, grad student :D

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

You're defining feeling in a very restrictive way- you're defining it as only an emotion. Feeling can be defined as more than simply an emotion. Having said that, I would agree that strong emotion is likewise involved in the perception.

Progress the last couple days =
No bingeing or purging.
Not undereating by TOO much.

The only problem with the anorexic symptoms is that carrot and pepper sticks get old really fast.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

That's about how I feel about myself too.

Like the AA analogy, I consider myself a recovering anorexic. Depression is/was my bigger issue and I rarely feel like I am hanging by more than a thread or two. I am not sure that I will ever be completely cured, but I haven't been at a medically problematic weight for almost 4 years though I've never really been far off (My counselor considered that to be under 105 at 5'6''). I go through phases. If I am training a lot and have a busy life, I eat healthily. If I am not training much and/or I have a lot of free time, I spiral into my depression and don't eat (I play mind games with myself so that I don't think about food at all and therefore never get hungry and simply don't need food). Sometimes my body image is a little distorted- naked in the mirror is never flattering and I see potential for improvement even though I'm just barely on/off the size chart for most women's clothing (I will have to go to work in a potato sack if The Limited ever makes their 0s and XS's any bigger). I just do my best to keep myself busy, in training, and around friends. That way, I don't have excessive time for introspection or privacy to hide my lack of eating and I feel good physically.

---

---

"When the going gets tough, get going!"

Yay, Tigerchik. Have you ever had your resting metabolic rate tested? I found out I was grossly underestimating my caloric needs even when I thought I was replacing expended energy. No wonder I was having weird cravings. RMR tests eliminates a lot of guess work so you can focus on getting the right mix.

No. I imagine it's probably pretty high - as a kid, I ate a ton and was still reed thin. I think about that sometimes... I probably could get away with eating plenty and still be thin... (and then the eating disorder thought chimes in: or I can undereat and lose weight really fast.)

I've thought about it; could very easily have it done at school. But what if it came back low for some reason? (even if it were the testing equipment screwing up) --- I would develop more fear over eating.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Unstructured time is a huge trigger for me. Retrospectively, I can say that the reason I went from being OK out of high school to relapsing in college was going from a lot of structure to very little.

I have learned to structure all of my time but if I get to some afternoon that I have planned out, and want to read a book instead, I can do it and change that plan. But just having that plan initially is very helpful. Vacations are great for a couple days but not having much to do over them becomes a nightmare.

I've had that need for structure for all of my life - my mom says as a kid I was always asking where we were going and who would be there. On snow days I would create imaginative worlds like playing "ski lodge" and create a schedule for the day (xc skiing, read, snowshoe, etc).

I think introspection - for me at least - is helpful. I spend an hour or so a day writing in my journal about the day and whatever comes to mind. It's a huge part of processing stuff for me.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

First a disclaimer: I'm a guy without an ed and not an expert in the field. I have known several women with ed's very well over the years (and I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, j/k). A couple of thoughts:

1. Tigerchik, it definitely sounds like you have something of a handle on your ed, that is great. Have you spoken with your therapist about why, exactly, you want to be ultra, ultra skinny? It sounds like you can see the reality of your body and health quite well through the ed haze, so a discussion of why you want to be a weight that you know is not healthy might be really beneficial (although you've probably done this already).

2. From my exeriences with people close to me who have eds, you never recover (like others have said). Rather, it seems that most with eds will be in recovery for the rest of your life. Accepting this and not getting down on yourself because you're not 100% "cured" might actually help recovery.

3. Quick and easy exercise to do at home for those of you with body image issues (most of you have done this, I bet). Get a huge sheet of paper (bigger than you are). Trace what you think represents an accurate outline of yourself on the paper (try to make it the same size and shape you think you are). Then lie down on the paper and have someone else trace around your body (in a different colour). Look at the two. One friend I know who suffered from an ed really made a significant breakthrough (not close to "cured," mind you) after doing this. It really helped her to see that her perception of herself was far from reality (she probably drew a size 16 person when she was a size 2).

Good luck to all struggling with this.

I've been undereating for the past five days. Today, I ate like a normal person... three meals, two snacks, one dessert even... and I feel horrible because tomorrow I'll wake up THE SAME. Not any smaller.

Humph.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

But you'll wake up tomorrow with the physical strength to keep going another day.

Good for you.

---

_____________________________

http://konabound.tumblr.com/

I can do that when I undereat too.

It WAS nice yesterday to eat a truffle that dad tossed to me as a surprise - "catch!" it just made me smile; and it felt good (and tasted good) to eat dessert with my family rather than just sit and make conversation [as I usually do when they eat dessert].

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I've never had a problem with just "not" eating nor have I purged BUT I constantly think about what I'm eating, what I just ate and what I'll need to do to work off the calories.

and to answer this question:

ABSOLUTELY. In fact last week I described to my husband 2 separate conversations I had with people.

Person1: You are cold because you have NO fat on your body Leslie.
ME (to husband): Do you know what 'x' said to me today?! He said the most horrible thing. He told me I had no fat on my body?! Why WHY would he say that to me; LIE right to my face. It was so mean.

Person 2: You are so Tiny
ME (to husband): It happened again but this time with a stranger. WHY is everyone saying that when it's not true?

---
I woke up this morning 4 pounds heavier than normal and I AM IN AN ABSOLUTE PANIC. I HATE that my thoughts, and at times my self worth depends on how I perceive myself when I look in the mirror. In my heart I know I'm not a cow I just can't convince my head to listen and I'm exhausted with the internal fight happening. So for the rest of the day (and until it's gone) I'll be obsessing about 4 pounds. Four pounds I have to get off before (in my mind) I'll need to sign up for Biggest Loser.

---

____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long

It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy if possible. It's no fun to walk around all day obsessing about what you've eaten/burning it off.

This is day 9 for me of no bingeing, no purging. I am undereating a little but at least I have 2 symptoms under control. This is the longest I've made it without either in a long time and I am rather proud of myself. (it feels good too :-)

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

You should most definitely be proud!!!

My 23yo daughter has an ED...restrictive eating. She/we tried individual therapy for a year with no improvement. She agreed to go into a residential therapy setting, taking a semester off from college. After 2.5 months, she emerged as a new person. Yes, she still has an ED, but three years later, it is well under control.

I remember her telling us that she never would have come to grips with her condition if she had not been in a 24/7 setting. One hour per day, three days a week just did not work. Having been involved in numerous family therapy sessions, I agree.

I mention this as a suggestion and truly wish you luck!!

---

--------------------------------------------------------

Headed to my counselor tomorrow to have "the talk" among others.

Great job on your 9 day accomplishment. If you don't keep a journal write your feelings down right now so that when you hit a rough patch you can reflect on how powerful you feel during these good moments.

I know that ED are not restricted to women. I often wonder; however, (since women are affected by it more) what is it about us that often makes this problem so prevalent.

---

____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long

The female:male ratio is, I believe, because of societal and media ideals about what women's bodies should look like.

I do indeed keep a journal.

Good luck with your counseling appointment today. For me, onward to Day 10!

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

A happy story; I am glad for your daughter.

I symptom-swap... I may not be b/p right now, I am undereating though. I much prefer anorexic symptoms to bulimic ones. This is one problem perhaps: I only want to recover from the bulimic symptoms, I will happily keep the anorexia part of my head. My therapist looks at me and says "but you can't do that and you know it." Which is true. It is (oooh fun bad joke :-) like having your cake and eating it too. (and not getting fat from it)

Hospitalization is not something I'd consider unless I got seriously terribly ill again.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD