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Men rant
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I need to vent feel free to ignore but I just cannot get over this.
A little background - divorced for 10 years, dated including a serious relationship since divorce. Last guy I dated was almost 4 years ago - found out he was still married (first date on a bike ride he told me all about his divorce - i am now friends with the wife). Anyway made me look at the pattern of liars (my ex was a liar). So moved cities, did not date - tried here and there but nothing really.

Finally, now that I have been in one place for 3 years, my kids are teenagers settled in school, settled into job etc I decided to test the waters.

I meet a guy who is also a triathlete - we go for a bike ride all good. Later in week go to dinner all good - chemistry there etc His last relationship they are still friends - he said it just ran its course....

continue to see him - all going well until last week. He gets a promotion at work - good news right? but then something does not seem right I ask if all ok he claims "personal issues" not fun to be around right now yadda yadda.

warning bells going off in my head.

we had plans to get together friday night. Friday midday this text conversation happens:

HIM: Do you mind if I cancel for tonight? I am dealing with some personal stuff that has me stressed and feeling really down. I am no fun to be around right now and just need some time alone. SOrry for being such a downer and for backing out on you.

ME: No problem but would be happy to cheer you up. I don't expect to be entertained. Isn't the point of having someone in your life is that you don't have to go through shit alone? You don't have to just go through alone I am happy to listen and help you process.

HIM: Thanks. Sorry I am so fucked up right now

ME: I don't think you are fucked up but I would rather be included than shut out. I am a family doc :p. I do lots of counseling. Of course I could just distract you too :)

HIM: Don't take being shut out personally. I have never felt like this and I just need some time alone time to think things through. I will call you next week when I get back from XXXX.

ME: k

So I take younger son to dinner with friends and when I get back, get on Facebook and sparky has checked into a restaurant. alone my ass.

ME: If you wanted to go date someone else tonight just man the fuck up and say it. I don't really care but the way you did this is just wrong.

HIM: Wow, I was out with my buddy XXX tonight talking through some shit I have in my life. Yes my ex girlfriend is causing me major issues internally, but I was not out dating somebody. You are the only person I have dated in 6 months., but I am still messed up over being dumped. I really like you, am very glad I got to know you, but no fault of yours I am F'd up.

ME: Rest assured I did not look at this as my fault this is all on you. My instincts were right on. You lied to me. Look up one message you state you want to be alone that was not the case. And you lied about how your last relationship ended. I asked because you talk about her a lot so clearly you admire her. I do not deserve to be lied to.


and nothing since.

Clearly I deserve to be with someone who sees my worth, and he does not seem to be it but I am pissed off - thought I screened properly.....
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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What, you didn't get the answers you wanted/liked in the LR? Yes, they can be harsh over there, but you did ask for feedback.



"Though she be but little, she is fierce" ~Shakespeare | Powered by HD Coaching | 2014 Wattie Ink Triathlon Team | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter
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Re: Men rant [kmh1225] [ In reply to ]
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actually I put it here first - was not sure I wanted the LR feedback - but found here it was read but no response - which is fine just meant to me that I had to put it where the traffic was.

plenty of good responses - all have given me something to think about even the ones I think are off base
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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I just read the thread over in the LR. They weren't to bad, pretty spot on though.

Guys are simple. When they want to be left alone they say so. If they want to hang out with you, they do. You over reacted to his checking in on FB. If he was sneaking around, he wouldn't have. As much as you have "signs" about him (as you should) he has them about you.

Dating sucks, move onto the next one until you find a good someone you like.

Susan Harrell
http://www.endurancezone.com

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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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TriGirrrrl wrote:
Goobdog wrote:
The second the guy refused the offer to be "distracted"... It was a monster sized signal there was a major problem.


I agree

My lesson from this is that my instincts are right on. I hear what those of you are saying who think I overreacted - there is more backstory that makes me disagree.

I chose to have my closure today - called -would have been willing to do it as a conversation but knew from these texts he did not have the nads so got voicemail and left a message that basically said

I thought we should have one more conversation and did not want to just continue over text - but you are not willing to
Hope the new job is going well.
I have had various reactions to the first time sleeping with someone flowers being the most common - pining about the ex that dumped you 6 months ago is a new one - a bit of a blow to my ego. However my self worth is intact enough to know that I deserve someone who sees me for the catch that I am.
I like you thought there was potential but not to be.
Good luck


Feel much better - resolved. lessons learned. moving on

thanks for all the responses has given me food for thought.

I copied this over here for a little straight up woman-to-woman talk. This is meant with kindness and to save you some time and possible heartache in the future:)

Lots of guys, especially guys on line, are looking to get laid. Totally cool if you are too, but then keep it real. Don't say to them, I'm just looking to "have fun" "hang out" etc, and then when you sleep with them, start acting like there's a relationship. In my experience, few women can really do this and follow through. Be honest with yourself about what category you're in.

If you like a guy and you think he likes you and he is breaking a date with you, he may very well like you and just need his space, or he may not like you and is blowing you off. Either way don't press it. Don't--not even one time--offer to distract or anything else. Even though you mean it with kindness and it can seem like the right thing to do, it can come off as needy, intrusive, and desperate.

In general, men like to chase. This is going to sound stupid, old fashioned, and all sorts of things to many, and guess what? It's also true. Don't call them right back. Don't text them right back. Get off of Facebook. (The advice about not dating a guy who does FB--I love that, btw.) Be a little "unavailable".

You have great intuition. Again, trust it. When that little voice tells you that there has been a shift? Yup, there has. A guy might be lying? Unfortunately, probably.

You sound like you have some pretty strong self-worth, which is AWESOME. Honor that.

The phone message that you left may have given you closure, but it also gave him closure. You assumed he didn't take your call (maybe he really couldn't get to the phone) and then proceeded to say things that probably made him feel like he had made a good choice. I understand why you felt the need to call. I really do. In my experience that phone call doesn't ever make it better.

Again, all meant to hopefully save you some trouble moving forward. Best of luck :)
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Re: Men rant [Push] [ In reply to ]
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thanks

I see your points

so not sorry I made the call - I needed to for me
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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My situation is very similar to yours. Ex left for me for a dude (didn't see that coming). Had a few relationships, nothing really worked out. Raising kids - now one out of college, one in college, one in HS. I did not want to date really when raising kids, because my kids came first and I didn't think that'd ever be healthy for any relationship.
Now, I have to say, I'm just happy by myself. I think society is constantly giving out messages that it's not ok to be alone. Well I am ok w/ not being part of a couple. For one, I now have trust issues - like all of us who've been through a divorce, relationship breakup yadda yadda. But I do think there are some good guys out there, and if I run into one by mistake, I'll give it a go. But I'm at the point in life where, after raising 3 kids by myself and putting everyone else first (I'm in medicine as well), that I now like taking time for myself. If I want to bike for 5 hours on Saturday, then that's what I'm going to do and not have to worry about anyone else for a little while.

Good luck w/ your journey. I hope you find what you're looking for. I wrote the above just to give you another option. Some people need to be in a relationship. If you're one of them - good luck. I am not one of them.
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Re: Men rant [Push] [ In reply to ]
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Push wrote:

In general, men like to chase. This is going to sound stupid, old fashioned, and all sorts of things to many, and guess what? It's also true. Don't call them right back. Don't text them right back. Get off of Facebook. (The advice about not dating a guy who does FB--I love that, btw.) Be a little "unavailable".

In general, perhaps, but not all guys. I don't like to chase. If you don't show interest I will move on (or would have when I was single anyway).

Now, with regards to Facebook, don't add the guy you are seeing on FB. You have his phone number, so you can call or text him, you don't need FB contact as well. You'll just see things like his check in and read too much into it.

How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?
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Re: Men rant [nad] [ In reply to ]
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I fully agree about liking being alone

I do think I want to be in a relationship - not living together - don't see that - but I like the idea -

will see how long I last at this dating thing - certainly not willing to settle to be in a relationship
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Re: Men rant [nad] [ In reply to ]
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I'm with you 100% on being single. My 15 years marriage ended 2 years ago and I've had 0 desire to start dating. Some of it is residual issues but a lot of it is enjoying my freedom. I'm 44, been there done that with marriage, and now want my life to be more self directed. Society does emphasize being part of a couple and sees being single as something that needs to be "fixed." It would take an incredible guy falling into my lap to get me to start a relationship again.

I have a couple women friends who are over 40, single, and more than happy with that.

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Jen - @ultragrrl

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Men rant [BLeP] [ In reply to ]
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BLeP wrote:
Push wrote:


In general, men like to chase. This is going to sound stupid, old fashioned, and all sorts of things to many, and guess what? It's also true. Don't call them right back. Don't text them right back. Get off of Facebook. (The advice about not dating a guy who does FB--I love that, btw.) Be a little "unavailable".


In general, perhaps, but not all guys. I don't like to chase. If you don't show interest I will move on (or would have when I was single anyway).

Now, with regards to Facebook, don't add the guy you are seeing on FB. You have his phone number, so you can call or text him, you don't need FB contact as well. You'll just see things like his check in and read too much into it.

Wait a second. You were the guy who got bullied as a kid and now has a moose fettish?

This obviously also impacted your dating life, and you don't have the cahones to approach women. And you're Canadian, so there's that.

Totally kidding.

Maybe chase is a bad word. Challenge? There's interested and then there's too interested. I think this goes for both men and women.
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nad and JenSW--very nice:) If I found myself single again, I could definitely see being very happy to not date.
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Re: Men rant [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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I couldn't imagine being single and actually enjoying it. But maybe my wife might. :-)

The five years I spent single between my two wives were the most confusing of my life. Wouldn't want to be there again. Guess I just like the stability of a long term relationship. Plus I'm twenty years older than I was then. It would be probably be quite a bit harder to find somebody now than then. People tend to get more set in their ways as they get older.
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Re: Men rant [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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I'd have to dig up the reference but I read that men are quicker to re-marry than women are. My ex is living with someone, don't know if they are married. He was dating pretty quickly after our split. Whatever his reasons, I know he wasn't single for very long. As much as he liked to consider himself independant he can't handle being on his own. Never was able to.

I find this time, now that I'm clear of my marriage and divorce, to be clarifying, not confusing.

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Jen - @ultragrrl

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Men rant [Push] [ In reply to ]
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Yes, I am all about the moose.

My wife actually chased me. It made my life a hell if a lot easier.

How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?
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Re: Men rant [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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JenSw wrote:
I'd have to dig up the reference but I read that men are quicker to re-marry than women are. My ex is living with someone, don't know if they are married. He was dating pretty quickly after our split. Whatever his reasons, I know he wasn't single for very long. As much as he liked to consider himself independant he can't handle being on his own. Never was able to.

I find this time, now that I'm clear of my marriage and divorce, to be clarifying, not confusing.

Of everyone I know who is divorced, I would have to agree.

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Men rant [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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 "I read that men are quicker to re-marry than women are."


Dunno. There are some people that seem to be incapable of being on their own. They jump from one relationship immediately into another. I've seen this with both women and men.


When I separated it wasn't long before I was going out to bars or playing the personals (before internet dating). In contrast my ex waited two years. Unfortunately she seemed to latch emotionally on to the first guy that came along after she decided to date again and that was a disaster. In contrast I had a lot of female friends and dates but didn't immediately get involved even though I was meeting lots of nice women.

What I have read is that its usually women who are the most enthusiastic about getting married and then less so during the marriage. Now that I would believe. :-)
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Re: Men rant [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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my ex husband got married (number 3) 4 days after our divorce finalized.

I won't marry again
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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"I won't marry again"

Understand totally how you feel now, but never say never. Maybe you won't, maybe you will. You just don't know where your life may take you. Let the cards fall where they do.
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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"my ex husband got married (number 3) 4 days after our divorce finalized"

Red flags much? You've got to wonder what #3 was thinking? My wife's ex dumped her for an office fling which didn't last more than a couple of years. Now he's a fat bald guy. Revenge is a dish best served cold, especially if you've already let it go.
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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For a long time after I was divorced, I said I'd never marry again. Now I say slim possibility. Not against anything. Like I said, if the right guy came magically into my life I'd consider it. I just don't have the energy needed to seek out such a man.

I think most men worth marrying are married. I question every guy that isn't married and the fact that a guy my age isn't married is already a red flag. Probably not fair to men, but there's got to be a reason why they're not married - right?

Also, and I'm just putting this out there for conversation and cause I think it in my head a lot. I'm a 50 yo female. That usually means I'm going to date a guy 50-60 yo. I've been caretaking for my kids for 20+ years. I still have to take care of my aging parents, and I'm a nurse practitioner so I care for my patients. And I'm a triathlete which means I'm on the healthier end of the spectrum. The last thing I want is to get involved w an aging guy that I have to end up caring for in his old age and then I'm alone again.
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Re: Men rant [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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cerveloguy wrote:
"I won't marry again"

Understand totally how you feel now, but never say never. Maybe you won't, maybe you will. You just don't know where your life may take you. Let the cards fall where they do.


my mother always says never say never but even she does not think I should marry again.
Involved - the right person sure.
cannot even imagine living with someone.
The NYT had an article 2 weeks ago about married couples with separate apartments - and I TOTALLY got it!
Unless the guy is wealthy enough for us to have a big enough place that I get my own wing separate places makes sense to me.
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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Unless the guy is wealthy enough for us to have a big enough place that I get my own wing separate places makes sense to me.

This statement is awesome. :)
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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"The NYT had an article 2 weeks ago about married couples with separate apartments "

I have a cousin that's been dating the same gal for twenty-five years. They both maintain their own residences. I asked her about it one time and her explanation was that she'd have my cousin over when she wants to be with him but can send him home when she doesn't. She described it as the perfect relationship. Works for them.
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Re: Men rant [TriGirrrrl] [ In reply to ]
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TriGirrrrl wrote:
Unless the guy is wealthy enough for us to have a big enough place that I get my own wing separate places makes sense to me.

This would be the solution to all my problems with marriage. Love him, but just want my own (little) space where I can organise everything just the way I like it.
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Re: Men rant [nad] [ In reply to ]
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nad wrote:

I think most men worth marrying are married. I question every guy that isn't married and the fact that a guy my age isn't married is already a red flag. Probably not fair to men, but there's got to be a reason why they're not married - right?.
Men, like women don't marry because it is either not important or wanted. Why the red flag?


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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