Hello ladies,
I'm in the process of changing my name right now. I have a chosen name (It's kinda odd to just change your name, lets say later in life), and my wife/roomie is mad that I have decided to change my last name too. I am trying to leave that life behind and start anew, and I feel dragging my last name with me will always be a source of unnecessary baggage.

So, do I change my whole name, or just my first?

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

What exactly is a wife/roomie?

As the ladies above have pointed out already it is a personal preference. I'm pretty traditional and so changed my name. Didn't think it was that big of a hassle and I haven't regretted it.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that, Mrs. MOP. ;-)

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"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."

This may sound weird. But my husband wasn’t keen to change my last name; he said my maiden name will always remind him of how we met in high school. According to him if Spiderman gets married to Mary Jane, he wouldn’t change it to Mary Parker or Mary Jane Parker cause Mary Jane would always remind him all about his high school days and every moment he spend with her as Mary Jane Watson.

When I think of Mary Jane, Spiderman is NOT the first thing that comes to mind.

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

My wife (Ex, but still legally married)
My roommate.

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

well gee thanks for that insight. Marriage is not a biological necessity but since you have not noticed we live in a society. While you and your family are fine with all having different names, I am not. YOU find it a bit odd but for centuries it has been the norm. Thanks for the science lesson.

I'm left he's right...heh-heh...

My family and I don't all have different names. We all have the family and given name that we have had our entire lives. You're the one who decided one day that you needed a different name. Your insults notwithstanding, not wanting to swap names is not indicative of not living in society. You could, if you were inclined, learn a little more about naming conventions (and marriage, for that matter) in various societies, both historically and in the present day. Your preference is not "the norm". It is a single convention among many, nowhere and never universally practiced. I've already said that anyone (you included) is welcome to call themselves whatever they like, and I'll respect their choice, but if you are bothered that I find the urge to change one's name midlife bit odd, then that's an insecurity you'll just have to deal with.

uhm you insulted meuf - I do not see where she insulted you.

and really you think your sister's version of each kid with a different last name does not prompt people to think different dads or divorce???
we live (or at least most people in this discussion) in the US of which the 'norm' has been that women change their name at marriage - thus maiden name on forms etc. you can deny that all you want but it is still a fact.

at the end call yourself whatever but I think you attacked meuf for her statement that she got married to have kids - many people do that.

She was insulted that I said I thought changing one's name in adulthood (something half the posters here wouldn't want to do, something she herself doubts she'd do again) was a little odd? Lucky I didn't say it was very odd, she'd be in trauma counseling for life.

Yet saying that I haven't noticed that we live in a society wasn't meant as an insult? - sorry I missed the compliment plainly intended.


Who knows what some whackos think. They are well known and respected in their community, they are happily married and great parents, so I can confidently say that no-one who matters thinks that. If someone is clueless and thinks (the horror) "different dad or divorce", so what? Would you prefer that they actually be divorced, but my sister and her son have her ex-husband's name so that ignorant people might be fooled into thinking "same dad, no divorce"?

It might not fit into your cherished "norm", but I'm pretty sure what is best for children is a mother and father who love them and each other, not favouring one naming convention over another and the "traditional" marriage first, divorce later route.


I'm sure that the fact that more than 96% of the world live outside the US, and might not precisely follow your conventions, is confusing and frightening to you. But you also have the problem that these "norms" that are so important to you are not even followed by a huge proportion of your fellow Americans. Have a look over the whole thread. There's a lot of posters (including meuf!) who either haven't, or would not in the future, change their name at marriage. I'm not denying facts, I'm merely reading the views of your compatriots.

I suppose you think Alexia, Megan, mdraegerpnw, JenHS, (now) meuf and (millions of) others are unAmerican? Here's a norm I'll bet you hate. The US for a long time (less so now) had a reputation as a supporter of individual liberties and freedom of self-expression. I'll bet you'd be proud to hammer a few nails in the coffin of that ideal.

I recall saying that myself.


And you're wrong. I didn't attack her for her statement. I pointed out that it is not necessary, there are other successful alternatives. Getting married won't do anything to help children, changing names won't either. Being together and committed to the family will.

My answer to the poster's original question is the same as I'd answer to most of life's important questions. Focus on what matters, on what works, on what you really want (or if you become a parent, on what your children really need).
Your response of course would be: socially regressive strangers might make false assumptions based upon superficial misreading of things they don't understand, so you need to focus on that instead.

let me make my views perfectly clear for you BoneIdol

I changed my name when I married as I wanted my children to have the same name as me. I, like TriGrrrl live in the US - not the other 96% of the world, and I do find it odd when children and parents have different last names.

I still have my married name - my maiden name is my middle name.

I have NO intention of ever marrying again.

But I have no plans of any more children. That would present a different dilemma but happily I am fairly certain those days are done.




oh and since you did not seem to notice before your diatribe, the OP was asking married ladies and this is the women's room - not the lavender room.

this is the women's room - not the lavender room.

With all due respect, there's not a rule precluding men from posting here.

From my experience, I would advise against it, unless you really, really want to, or have some really specific reason to change it.

I decided to change my name, because we had been living together for 9 years before then, and it seemed like a pain to have different names, and I liked his last name. I just thought it would be easier to pay bills, apply for loans, do all that stuff with the same last name. So, I decided to change it. What a pain in the ass!!! You have to tell everyone. Every credit card, every bank, every loan, social security, dmv, passport, work, EVERYONE. It takes a looongggg time to do this- I really had no idea it would be such a pain. I think I just really, really hate doing that kind of crap, so I may be more irked by it than most, but it has made me kind of regret changing my name. My decision was also tough because I have a good number of publications under my maiden name, as well as a lot of race results, and there were only 2 of me on google. Now only I can connect the dots and I am no longer as unique as I once was, lol :( I didn't think I would care about these things beforehand, and I actually did think about it, but after I changed it, I now think it would've been smarter to stick with my maiden name- just my $0.02!

X2.

And I have to admit I'm pretty surprised at how the tone of this thread has just gone right off the rails. BI, meuf - just agree to disagree and move on eh?

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

I didn't change my name as I find it insulting. Why would you? I reckon he should take your name.
Audrey

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Coaching - Future Endurance

I appreciate the ladies who are more traditional. I find women who keep their maiden name, or use their maiden name at the office, to be almost unaccepting of the fact that they are married to a man. Almost like they want to be married but keep their independence. What, you'll lose business because people won't be able to remember your new name? When I see parents of my kids friends with two different names I think they were divorced or remarried or that the woman doesn't really respect her husband. Like they are not a real family unit - It's not like the man wouldn't be the one stopping it, but I think it's more like she doesn't want to be a family unit. There is no rule that says you have to keep your maiden name, but you will get a lot of raised eyebrows from traditional people thinking it's a bit ridiculous to be married and not have one family name.

Why should I? I am not my husband's property which is pretty much where the name change originates.

Wow, that's a bit harsh on family values, don't you think? Anyway, I don't totally disagree - that is what the entire marriage concept and process is about. The bride being given away at the wedding - ie being given to the groom even by her own father. The creation of a family unit for the purpose of having children etc. The man's responsibilty to support the household and the woman's to be bearer of children and to manage the household... Even the standard vows in the marriage ceremony imply that the woman is now "protected" by the man. Some women today view marriage like a partnership, like they are equals. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to be a stickler for the finer points, marriage is where the woman technically becomes the man's property. That is the ceremony. If you didn't like the part about the last name, I'm surprised you accepted the part about the marriage concept. Unless, you thought marriage was about showing love, or only about the legal benefits. In which case, love and most legal benefits can be acquired without marriage.

it was a comment on the tone and being attacked for marrying to have kids - not the fact that BI is male.

Neither your paranoia nor your self-righteousness are doing you any favours.

Get over yourself. Nobody attacked you. If you can manage it without fainting, read what was written again. Is that seriously what has prompted your increasingly shrill responses? Then see where you borrowed my use of the word "odd". By your standard, that could only have been a deliberate "attack", right?

I did actually notice that this is the women's room and not the lavender room - see how I pointed it out in my post? And I agree that the post title is addressed to "married ladies". But neither of us is a married lady, are we? So your comment was pointless, and you don't have the right to decide who can respond to your inane posts.

BTW, given that societal "norms" are the source of your sanctimonious attitudes, it's interesting that you have no apparent respect for a long-standing "norm" of parents staying together to provide a stable home for their children. That's a "norm" that actually provides a real benefit to children and society. I suppose you figure you can follow a couple of meaningless "norms", act condescendingly towards those who don't, and then ignore far more important "norms" that don't suit you. Excellent plan to not marry again or have more children, I'd say.

You are a good example of how often self-righteousness and hypocrisy are exhibited at the same time.

Hmm, apparently not.

Although it's a futile attempt, let me try to get this straight: You think that a woman who uses her given name is a) not accepting her marriage, b) wants to keep her independence (whatever that means), c) doesn't want to be a family unit and d) doesn't respect her husband.

WOW WOW WOW WOW.

Michele Bachman, is that you?

First of all, I apologize for spelling Mrs. Bachmann's last name (oh sorry, her HUSBAND'S name) wrong on the previous post.

In all seriousness, to answer your question, it's incredibly important in academics (for example) to have a strong citation record. Once you are published in your given name, you can't go back and edit those journal articles to change to your married name. You are ranked based on your citation record, therefore, it's not advised to change your name in the middle of your career.

Many women change their names legally but still use their given names in their professions, and if you think that's a sign of disrespect, well, that's sad. Although I suspect you're a general nonbeliever in women having professions in the first place, which I won't get in to.

But there are good reasons to still use one's given name, and "losing business" is not the primary one.

Do you also expect a women to stay home and be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen??

Your views on us poor women are pretty pathetic. I got married married for various reasons - love certainly being one of them - but I don't need to be "protected" nor looked after by my husband. I work, I was fine for all those years I was on my own - imagine that!!

For people who can't have kids, are they not fulfilling your ideals of a family unit?

Oh I also don't live in a country where I get any legal benefits by being a common law spouse. As others have already pointed out, not all of us live in the US and certainly don't have the same mentality about women and their place being lower on the totem pole.