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Love lost...
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I have debated wether to post here or not at all. I have just broken up with a woman (8 year relationship). She said she did not want a relationship anymore or a man in her life right now and bam there he was. I was angry at first went for a bike ride and put everything I had into it. We talked and that isn't going to work things out. I am having a hard time letting go and moving on. With this frustration I am working out harder so that could be good thing. Keep seeing her in my mind while working out and it just makes me workout harder.
Ladies, how do I move on?

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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You didn't give specifics on how long it's been. There isn't a timeline but having that info will help.


I don't think there is a magic way to move on. Don't have any contact with her, including Facebook, and focus your energy on other things. Don't spend a lot of time by yourself.

I eventually let go of my ex by just letting time pass and not seeking out a connection with him. It was tough because we had a house to sell and other legal stuff that dragged on for over a year after out split but since our last contact in April that's been it and I feel much better.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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That's a long time to be with someone and it's going to take some time to recover from this, but you have to look at it this way: she's doing you a favor. Better that she break up with you now then after you're married. I agree with Jen - cut off all contact. Spend some time doing things that you want to do. Spend time with friends and family. Don't even think about dating again for several months.
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Re: Love lost... [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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It was an 8 year relationship and two-three break up.
Thank you for your reply

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you also DawnT, you are right I end looking for her on facebook, etc. I need to focus on other things and move ahead, thanks again.

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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$.02 from a guy: what the womens said is spot on. It will take time, surround yourself with your good friends and do things you enjoy (for me it was beer). Oh and use the opportunity to crush your training partners into the ground. I speak from experience. a number of years back my training buddy was going through his divorce. He was SO angry with her and he used our workouts to help cope. We used to do these wicked speed brick intervals once a week and he would simply destroy the rest of us (normally he wasn't much faster than any of us). His divorce was the most productive training period I've ever experienced.
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Re: Love lost... [squid] [ In reply to ]
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squid, thanks that is exactly what I am doing, beer, and making my biking buddy suffer hard and my runs are killing me because I am pushing hard, but it makes me get better.
But how the hell do you get that person out of your head ( ya I know the beer helps)?
I hate to make this into a love lorn cry in my beer forum, but... Iwas looking for the female response as in inside of what to do.
Thanks again squid.

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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How long has it been since you broke up?

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Love lost... [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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JenSw, it has been 3 weeks, I guess I need more time.

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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3 weeks after an 8 year relationship is not much time. Just let yourself grieve and don't try to put yourself on any sort of "schedule". And don't let anyone say to you "when I went through xxx, I got over it in xxx weeks." Grieving is very personal and everyone heals at their own rate. It isn't a contest to see who can get over it the fastest. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like she has a new man and so you keep seeing (reading on FB) about her happiness which is in contrast to your feelings. It will be hard, but you really need to stop reading about her life through social media (I know, easier said than done) because it will only increase your pain.
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Re: Love lost... [LoDewey] [ In reply to ]
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Wow, thank LowDewey. I can't believe all the kind words and encouragement I have had from the ST forum.
Yes I guess you can call it grieving, I really am having a hard time letting go.
Thank you all again. I hope to pay it forward to you all either here or the regular forum.

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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Time....simply time. It sucks and there is no other way to get through it.
Your tagline ("You do what...") pretty much says it. Take care of yourself.
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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Not a lady, but here's my $.02.

Sounds like she just doesn't want you any more. Been there done that. Its really hard but in the end you have no choice but to to suck it up and move on. Its always possible you may get back together but don't count on it and definately don't pursue her whatever you do.

But the good news is that eventually you'll meet somebody else and will realize that it was a good thing that the first relationship ended.
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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Sucks. That's it. Sorry you're in this spot & feeling this way.

Others have said it - time. That's the only thing that will make the pain truly ease up & go away.

Until then you might try to cognitively distract yourself a bit, along with using the training to get some of the anger out. Any time you catch your mind wandering to her or see her face in your mind you can change your association or thought process - assign a topic or thought process that you DO want to spend more time/energy on now that you can. The theory is used a lot with people working on addictions & dog training. Example: any time I think about ex, I would make myself think about my swim form or plan my next swim workout. I've also used next meals to be cooked, career objectives & things along those lines. I prefer the distraction topic to be something that has a positive association or positive outcome - the quality workout, good healthy meal or increased career success, so it's a positive reinforcement.

If I want my dog to stop chewing on a shoe I make a noise & throw her favorite toy in her face rather than yell about (& bring focus to) the shoe. She gets rewarded (lovins & attention) when the toy becomes the full focus & the shoe no longer holds an attraction. The positive stuff comes from the toy.

There's another school of thought that ties in the thought/association with a negative connotation - associating the thought of ex with something painful or negative (bee sting, skunk odor, etc) so that the subconscious learns to avoid bringing about the negativity & the thought process tends to die out. I'm not so much a fan of that - doubling up on pain doesn't really bring about healing to me. Puppies don't learn to leave shoes alone when they get attention for chewing on them - even if it's screaming & yelling, it's still attention.

I've survived some gnarly stuff by compartmentalizing & distraction. Eventually it just fades away & the thought stops causing a reaction. It's effectively a way to make yourself think about something else instead, but you've got to own the emotion & the thought first. Sorry for the psycho-babble.

You'll be fine...just live your good life & know that you'll be better off without her because that's definitely true.

AW
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Re: Love lost... [AWARE] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you AWARE, the thought /association thing seems to work. I have had some oral surgery and the pain takes away any thoughts, also working on my running, I have the endurance, now I am working on the speed. My greatest challange is my part time job, it's a samething everyday job, I try to distract myself with music and the monotany of the job.
Again thank you, and all the people on this forum, the response from the ST'ers have been very positve and helps me move ahead, painful as it may be.

Train and race safe!

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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The cure for broken heart is: time + distance + somebody else.

Wise and true advice from a friend several years when I was having a hell of a time getting over a breakup.
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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If you were with this girl for 8 years then you will take a while to heal and get over the loss of this relationship. Even if it was dysfunctional (not saying that it was, though), it was all yours, and to have her rip that away is going to be a painful thing to deal with for quite some time.

I read recently in the Wall Street Journal that it can take up to 2 years to get over the emotional trauma associated with things like divorce or job loss. You will move through the grieving process at your own pace, and you will be sad, angry, missing her, depressed and eventually you will be indifferent to her. It can't be rushed, and no, you are not a freak if you haven't forgotten her name by now.

Take the time to grieve, work through all the shit (don't suppress it) and learn from this. You will emerge a better person in the long run.
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Re: Love lost... [cjdavids] [ In reply to ]
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QRgirl and cjdavids, and all who have responded, I thank you all.
I have not forgotten her name probably never will.
Everyone has given the best positve outlook, I hope I do you all proud.
and....the door closes.

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"You do what you have to do , so can do what you want to do."
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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As my good friend Vik says, "the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else" hahah! It can work miracles for some people.
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Re: Love lost... [Ski racerz] [ In reply to ]
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I was married for 22 years and have been divorced now for 6 years. It doesn't matter how relationships end, it's always painful. Like others have posted, allow yourself time to grieve and heal. There is no timeline that's for sure. If you need solitude or friends by your side, do whatever you need to do to process what's happened. You'll wake up one day and know you are ready to find love again.
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Re: Love lost... [duron43] [ In reply to ]
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I agree with a lot of what people said. Eight years is a long time. How long to recover depends on you. Find a quiet space and scream, cry, vent (to a good friend) or, journal your thoughts, then, when you're ready, burn that journal.

I went through a divorce 11 years ago (married almost seven years). We didn't have kids, but, the break up hurt, especially when I realized the part I played in it. The two of you do become like one person. It's really a death, and you have to put that person to death, mentally speaking. I did this very thing once we separated. Even though we forgave each other in person (we both made mistakes), I still wrote a letter to her, but didn't give it to her. I then collected all the things tying me to that relationship (pictures, wedding album, etc.) and my letter and had a funeral service. I ended it by burning all of those memories. I wasn't doing it out of bitterness. I needed to move on. Having those things in my sight just kept the wound open. I then asked my parents to get rid of all pictures of me and my former wife.

The last thing I did was move to another state and start a different job. Before I moved, I got rid of all my furniture from the relationship. Once settled in my new digs, I gradually replaced my clothes from the former relationship with new ones. Four years after the move, I replaced the vehicle that was with me at the end of that relationship. I even put "single" on paperwork that asked for my marital status. I don't put divorced if I can help it (it's just another reminder of what used to be). Now that it's been over 11 years, I feel as if I was never married.

The only thing I can offer is to wait a year before jumping into another relationship. Enjoy your singleness and rejoice that you didn't go forward with marriage! That would be even more challenging, and especially if you had kids. A rebound is something some people do, and, imo, is not needed at this time. Good friends - definitely needed! Serious relationship right now - not so much. You're still reeling from the former relationship. I found it good to take time to look at my own crap that I brought into the former relationship. I didn't want to bring that baggage into another relationship again. Hence, waiting it out will be good for you in the long run.

Hope this helps. It will get easier. Hammer those workouts, my friend! It will definitely help your mental state.
Last edited by: Recoverie: Aug 17, 13 0:27
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