Hang out with her as long as you can handle that the touching etc are because you are like a brother to her....
sorry

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cat
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i didn't like my husband at first. but he worked hard to get my interest, and it's impossible not to like that. IMO, you should be upfront and sweep her off her feet.

If you want to stay her friend and that will be enough for you, then continue what you've been doing. If you want more than that, then stop how you've been acting and start acting like someone who wants more. I think she is having trouble seeing you as a boyfriend because you have already filled the friend role. If you stop being the friend, then she will start seeing you differently. Stop seeing her after work unless it's a real date. Be less accessible and make the times you are together more meaningful. Good luck.

I concur with DawnT. Some women need the challenge. If you back off she figure out soon enough if her feelings for you go beyond friendship once she starts missing you. Either way you'll know for sure.
Good Luck,
Leslie

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Life is Short...Run Long

kittycat - any specific suggestions? Should I continue to have drinks or dinner or help her paint her apartment, etc. To DawnT's point, I do like her idea of limiting my time and make it only seem like 'date' time but my thoughts are if I spend more time with her and do things that are more than just dinner & drinks after work then she "might" see me in a different light such as 'oh he's really handy or oh he knows how to cook, fix the toilet, good with kids, etc.

Or I should really look for a sign from god.

Thx wolffpack but we do work together in the same building so there is a chance for us to see each other everyday so I don't know how much she'll miss me :)

If you knew definitively that you had 100% no shot with her, would you still do things for her (paint her apartment, etc.) and hang out with her in the same fashion (drinks or dinner, etc.)? If the answer is yes, then keep doing these things. She's obviously a valuable friend, if she can be nothing else. If the answer is no, then stop. Doing all this with the hope that she might one day change her mind about you is a disaster waiting to happen - trust me, a friend of mine had this issue with me and no we don't even talk anymore :(

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

>>then she "might" see me in a different light such as 'oh he's really handy or oh he knows how to cook, fix the toilet, good with kids, etc. <<

Like a handyman???

Seriously, like Dawn said, back off. Cut out the after work stuff, unless it's a real date. Be "busy" and let her wonder what she's missing.

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Seriously.........

Is it possible for two straight people of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship?

The only thing that keeps me "friends" with a female "friend" is my 20 year marriage to my best "friend".

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Hurry Up Every Chance You Get

(formerly LuctorEtEmergo)

Absolutely it is. My closest friends are guys. I think you're really missing out on something if you can't have platonic relationships with someone of the opposite sex - I know I sure would be.

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

clm - like I mentioned earlier, she's a newbie triathlete and I'm currently helping her train for her first race. Would it be a shitty move for me to say 'sorry I can't help you any more?' I'm thinking I might come off as a major jerk if I did this.

you put yourself in the "friend zone" a long time ago...little chance you will recover from that....sorry to break it to you but that is the way it works...

women will not like you because you do nice things for them....women will only like you more if they are ALREADY attracted to you and you do "some" nice things or romantic things....guys screw this up constantly...especially young guys......

do yourself a favor and vow never to do something nice for a women to TRY and make them LIKE YOU...

if you do nice thing for an attractive women it screams "needy" to them....women like confidence...someone who is having a great life and may invite someone to come along with them...and by the way....looks are very secondary to women...confidence and a man that is a challenge comes first with attractive women....

Well, then listen to what Steve-Oh said.

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Has this happened before with another girl "friend"? Do you find yourself hanging on to friendships with women you can't have romantically? Just want to make sure it's not a pattern, which would be a problem in itself.

Yep, you'd come off like a jerk.

I think alot of what SteveOh Said is right. Being freindly gets you friends. Been down that road myself.

There's not a damn thing wrong with telling her how hot she looks in her Tri-Top. Be a little Coy with it. With you helping her with her training there has got to be tons of opportunities......Ya gotta flirt man......Let her know you think she's attractive. Just don't go overboard, keep it light. Tell her what a great form she has and that her running looks great too. It's awfully hard not to be attracted to someone who finds you attractive. I'll bet even Cuds may admit......her friend, had he played his cards right may have been able to turn the tables. My guess is he became overbearing and couldn't dial down his feelings which ended up getting in the way. And, sometimes, personalities just don't jive and it ain't gonna happen. If she's looking at you like a brother......well, your sleeping down the hall.

Now just keep in mind your getting advise from a 43 yr old who is celebrating his 20th anniversary this year. I may or may not be a little out of practice ; )

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Hurry Up Every Chance You Get

(formerly LuctorEtEmergo)

So I'm going to go against some of the women here and tell you to back way off. You aren't suddenly going to stop liking her romantically and it would personally turn me way off to have some guy constantly after me romantically when I've made it clear we are just friends. Don't be a jackass, just don't invite her to dinner. If she needs help at her place, tell her you've got a commitment if it would mean an all day project. She needs to understand that you aren't going to be a boy toy who she can exploit to get her ego stroked or her apartment painted.

I know, this sounds really really harsh but having a guy with a crush who is willing to do anything you want them to do can have its benefits. But there is only a benefit if he is willing to have the crush and keep it quiet.

This sounds contradictory so let me try explaining again. Have a guy with a crush who is willing to do anything asked can be great for the ego and great for company. Having that same guy constantly reminding her that he loves her is annoying. Finding the balance between those two opposites means walking away because it would be dishonest to keep your feelings to yourself and you really don't want to hold out hope and follow her around with crossed fingers.

Maybe absense will make the heart grow fonder.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

Thank you everyone for your 2 dollars (adjusted for inflation). Keep them coming!!!

At this point I am leaning towards the separation route. We have a couple of events already planned so I will need to bow out of them gracefully and hope she will understand. I don't want to be someone's whipping boy and I need to explore other options so that I'm not stuck on her. Like I told another poster in a PM, this woman falls into the "i can see myself married to her" bucket so it's going to be painful to separate but I need to. It makes it doubly hard since we work together but what is life without challenges. One good thing about all of this is that I am glad to re-discover all these great feelings and it certainly makes me feel alive.

if I were in your shoes I would make other plans and just let her know that you had something else you wanted to do.....keep it "no big deal"..she will likely wonder "what happened" as you go on to find something else to do...

then I would just go on and live your life....just treat her like a "bratty little sister" when you are around her and keep it very light and playful...

no more favors....

no more compliments...

if she approches you some day and asks you "whats up, what happened?" just smile and ask her "are you getting ready to propose to me?" (very playfully!)...tell her she needs to "go buy a ring" and do it properly....(with a huge smile) and then go away and go about your business....

its not likely, but you might get her to see you differently if you keep your distance, go flirt shamelessly with others and keep this approach up...

you never know...she might come around but either way you will be flirting and having fun with other girls....and she may need to get a number and stand in line... : )

Ohhh, I'm sorry for the situation you are in, it can be brutal. I have a male friend who chronically gets in this situation, he even married a girl who didn't really love him at one point, so I'm familiar with how out of hand this situation can get. I'm going to say a few things you may not want to hear...

Right now, you are living in fantasy land with this woman. She likes your attention and she will continue to accept it until another man comes along and then she will string you along a little while longer because she is addicted to the attention you are giving her, but chances are very high that she will not end up with you. If you keep giving her attention, she may kiss you out of guilt or if you get drunk together you might get a little action but that will only make things worse in the long run because you will be encouraged and she will be feeling the same.

It's great that you are experiencing feelings that make you feel alive but when you meet your match, a true life partner, you will be doing so much better than where you are right now.

I would encourage you to put some time and space between you two, see about dating some other women, and then re-evaluate your feelings. Please don't be like my friend who is now in his early 40s and still chasing women he can't have. It's really tragic.

Don't get in the friends zone with women because more often than not, they will keep you there for good.

Best wishes to you!

Another lurker jumping in here...

She's just not that into you. Sure you could play some games to get a couple of dates, but she's known you long enough to know what you have to offer and if she's not into you now, she won't be into you once the game stage is over.

Concur with DawnT but don't leave her in the lurch with her first race.

Also, be very fast in said race. Us girls are easily impressed by very fast guys. :)

I agree with what jenhs says...

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move on- not cut the relationship off completely, but certainly eliminate the "opportunities" that seem to present themselves so often. The less you subject yourself to it, the easier it will be on you.

As for the "avoid getting hurt" thing, I think it's too late for that. So do the best you can to ease the disappointment.

Good luck!

I'll be yet another woman who would have to agree with Steve-oH's advice in this situation. Since you are already good friends and she really enjoys your company, I would think you have a shot if you play hard to get (sad that people need to play these games sometimes). Don't be a jerk, by any means, but just make sure she realizes that you have other interests that may take precedence over spending time with her (i.e. don't be clingy or needy). Be confident. She needs to realize what she's missing out on and needs to see a little challenge in getting your affection and attention back. Self confidence is very attractive.

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Racing Ironman for Athletes in Tandem...http://www.firstgiving.com/...manworldchampionship