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Kids or no kids?
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Okay, this may sound strange. I have been on and off with a guy for six years! He truly wants to have children, and would marry me tomorrow if I could commit to wanting the same. He is am amazing man, and would be a wonderful father. I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a parent, it hasn't really been something I considered. Other people I've been in relationships absolutley did not want kids, and I was fine with that too. Having children changes everything, and I don't want to lead him on if I don't know what I want. I know we would have an amazing life together. Anyone have some imput for me?
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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I think you're going to have a lot of opinions expressed here, but none of them matter further than... follow your heart (or mind hah).


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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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To start, you are going to get a lot of eloquent thoughts/ideas on this subject. I'm more cut to the chase.

Spend time really thinking about what you want out of life (kids or no kids)...commit to it (whatever side it may be)....jump off the fence and never look back.

Best of luck to you. Both my husband and myself were in the 'no kids' category until 7 years into our marriage and literally at the same time, switched teams, and now have 2 daughters...a decision we'll never regret. Either way...you'll be happy...you just have to get off the fence first.

:)

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Life is Short...Run Long
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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Having children does change everything. My sister did not want children at all. Now she is with a guy who wants children and after spending more time around my children has decided she would like to have them as well. The question is do you want them? Children are a lot of responsibility, they take a lot of time and commitment, what was once yours is no longer just yours. They are also a blessing- the unconditional love, the hugs and kisses, the memories. I have never heard anyone say I wish I never had children.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [leslieW] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you so much for your imput. I know I would be so happy if I had kids, I just want to do lots of things in life. Plus I want to be married for at least 5 years before having children. If anyone else has anything to add, please do so!
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Re: Kids or no kids? [nutty] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
They are also a blessing- the unconditional love, the hugs and kisses, the memories. I have never heard anyone say I wish I never had children.

not every child turns out to be an unconditionally loving well adjusted adult. I am sure parents of people in jail, or living on the street due to addiction, or estranged due other issues etc. might not be recalling their decision to have kids so fondly.

Personally I think that unless you have an extremely strong drive to have kids you shouldn't, the planet is already crowded enough, and kids are so much hard work and responsibility that if you are not really sure you want to have them you probably ought not to. This said it is in our genes to want to reproduce, and our genes have a lot of tricks up their sleeve to have you bond with a child when it comes, so you're likely going to be ok either way :)
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Re: Kids or no kids? [Marco in BC] [ In reply to ]
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This said it is in our genes to want to reproduce, and our genes have a lot of tricks up their sleeve to have you bond with a child when it comes, so you're likely going to be ok either way :)

This is very true. My sister has never liked kids much, and never planned on having any. Until she changed her mind. But even then, she wasn't going to be "one of those" parents.

I'll be damned if she isn't as batty about her 6 month old son as any mother I've ever met.


I'm sure that you'd lead a happy and fulfilling life without kids, and have the opportunity (and means) to do a lot of cool stuff. With kids that changes things a bit, but chances are you'll find yourself equally happy - just in a different way. I wouldn't use the prospective guy as any sort of a yardstick as to whether or not to have kids, but if after you've examined what you want out of life you determine that you do want kids, he sounds like a stand-up father.


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Re: Kids or no kids? [Marco in BC] [ In reply to ]
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They are also a blessing- the unconditional love, the hugs and kisses, the memories. I have never heard anyone say I wish I never had children.[/quote] I bet there are a lot of people who wish they never had kids, but no one is going to say that because you'd look like the biggest a------ ever.

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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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Yes, kids change everything. But, having kids doesn't mean your life is over or you can't have goals and dreams of your own. You just adjust. I've never heard anyone say they wish they didn't have kids. I have heard people say they wish they did have kids. But, only you know whether or not it's right for you. When they're little, it's tough to do things for yourself, train, etc. But, it's still manageable. I know a lot of moms who do a lot more than I do but I managed to train for an IM with a husband that travels a ton, a special needs 3yo and a 9yo who's social life is more demanding than mine. I didn't set any world records or even get to Kona but I had a blast, did fine, and also managed to not miss one single thing my kids did. You just have to get organized (and live with less sleep ;) ).

On the other hand, I have a couple of friends who just don't want to be moms. That's fine and it's their choice. I respect them for their decision and sticking to their guns. Having kids is a ton of work but they are so much fun.

Good luck whatever you decide. Follow your gut and your heart. This guy may be great...but, he may not be "great for you" in the long term. He may be though---only you can figure that out.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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My husband was adamant while we were dating that he wanted kids. I wasn't opposed but wasn't dying to have kids; however, I knew I loved this man and wanted to grow old with him (still do) ... so I agreed. We have an amazing 9 year old son who is so much fun to hang with - he was raised on tris, running events, mountain biking, skiing etc. and he simply adds to the fun we have.

If you love this guy and can see a life with him, sounds like kids is not a negative.

Tri Hard !
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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I don't have children, but I am very close to a friend who has 3 young ones. I have been there with them from day one, feeding, burping, diaper changing, babysitting. Its a joy like no other. Sure it isn't easy, but when you love them, its irrelevant. Seeing them grow day by day and develop is better than any other experience I have had.

Might I suggest that you interact with children of friends, and see how that feels, though I guess if there was really a strong maternal desire, you would already have done so. I know women friends of my friend with kids who have almost no interaction with the kids when they visit.

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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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I vote NO KIDS!!!

Also - can you send some of your friends who don't wants kids my way? I thought every Womens wanted kids. Good to know there are some who don't.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [BeeHunter] [ In reply to ]
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This may not come out the way I mean it to sound, I love my kids!!!! There is a hugh amount of stress in raising children, and it never ends, or atleast feels that way to me. Mine are awesome , girl 22 , boy 19....both out of the house, but the phone keeps ringing with problems from a far. I think it's something you really need to put a lot of thought into. I started young, got married at 20, had first at 25, second at 29. Now I am 48 and I do get to do what I want now...I am glad that I started early, but like I said, they are great....but the stress is endless!!!!!!

It could always be worse.....
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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My husband and I waited about 7 years before having our first (we have two now and that'll be it). I'm not wild about kids other than my own and probably could have gone either way on having them. Kids really didn't change our life all that much, but we're pretty conventional folks -- no wild partying, no urge to travel for months at a time. Kids are also pretty flexible -- you can do a lot with them and you can raise them in lots of different ways without screwing them up. Pay attention to them, feed them, clothe them, educate them, and love them -- that's pretty much the basics. And I will say, kids are pretty interesting -- imagine growing a human, birthing it, and watching it develop into a real person. I can't wait (sort of) to find out what kind of guy my daughter will end up dating in high school. How in the world is my son supposed to function in the world if he can't remember that he left his underwear at the pool?

If you're anything like me (and, of course, I have no idea), I wouldn't recommend hanging around kids as a way of figuring out if you want kids. Like I said, when they're not yours, they're really not all that charming.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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This is certainly a compelling issue. I started a thread a while back posing a similar question, which may be a good read for you:
http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...%20children;#2041154
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Re: Kids or no kids? [BeeHunter] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I vote NO KIDS!!!

Also - can you send some of your friends who don't wants kids my way? I thought every Womens wanted kids. Good to know there are some who don't.





Come crawling faster
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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Yes - think long and hard then think some more. Do the thinking on your own, away from his influence. Take your time and make sure you are doing the right thing for you, not for him. This is a dealbreaker for some people and it sounds like this is the case with him. That isn't the reason to have kids though.

I've never wanted kids and neither has my husband. We made the decision before we got married and haven't regretted it. We celebrated our 12th anniversary this fall and both will be 40 in a couple months. This was the right decison for us without a doubt.

Not everyone is so clear and my personal advice is if you aren't sure, don't have them. There is too much at stake to have kids unless you really want children. If you can't commit at this point, after having been with this guy for 6 years, you need to face up to the fact that you both might have different visions of your lives and if so, move on so you can both find partners to be happy with.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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This is a cool thread. I'm 21, too young to think about having kids my roommate and I talk about this a lot... she's practically engaged, has always said she wants about 6 kids. So we are always talking about why she wants them, why I think I don't. With her it's this maternal instinct thing, all she can tell me is "I want kids!!!"

I've worked at summer camps for 7 years. Those kids run me ragged. I love it at the end of the day when I send them home. I can't imagine having to deal with a kid alllllll day when they're on summer vacation and stuff, I am far too wrapped up in ME to want to think about taking care of someone else all the time.

I like babysitting, like the summer camp thing, I like kids in small quantities. I love my little brother and like taking care of him for a weekend or so now and then but I get excited when mom comes to pick him back up, too.

The one time I've wanted kids: last winter, I went out to eat with my boyfriend - at a table near us, there was a mom and her two kids. The three of them were all sitting on the same side of the table and sharing a dessert, mom between the two kids, it was just this picture of love... I would love to know what that feels like, it looked amazing.

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Re: Kids or no kids? [LovePugs] [ In reply to ]
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???
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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I may get my flamed for this, but this viewpoint needs to be said.

My wife wanted kids, I didnt. I loved her, so we now have a kid. I love my child more than anyone in the world. There are certainly no regrets in bringing the little guy to the Earth.

But, to be completely honest, I absolutely HATE the lifestyle changes that has come along with it. I despise getting up at all hours of the night to calm down a screaming baby, making myself wiped out in the morning. Screaming kids drive me freaking nuts, even though I have had to learn to tolerate it from mine occasionally. My clean house is now strewn with all these dang toys, the car is packed with baby crap. Every decision we make is based around that little screaming dude. From what house to buy, what car to own, where we are eating, what my next career will be, every decision big and small is influenced by it.

I must love the little bugger to pieces to keep from running for the hills and never coming back.

This is a man's point of view, I pitty what women have to put up with. The wear and tear on the body, the sickness, the hormonal changes. I really wonder how the worlds population is as high as it is. There must be some magical "maternal instinct" to force women to go through that agony.

To be clear, I do not regret our little guy, I love him. In a short period of time, we have had a wonderful time with our son. Yet, there are certainly a lot of times where I say to myself: "Damn, this sucks".
Last edited by: GOKARTN: Nov 22, 08 10:55
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Re: Kids or no kids? [GOKARTN] [ In reply to ]
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Kudos to you for being so honest. I don't have kids nor will I have any in the future.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [BeeHunter] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry Bee... my computer acts psycho on me occasionally.

My reply was that you'd be surprised how many women, even on this site, don't want kids. I'm in my 30s and have never once wanted children. I have a godson who is 7 months old and I love him to death, but after spending time with him, I'm ready to return to my life.

We are in the minority though, as most women and men do want to have kids. I think it's a deal breaker for a relationship. I'd never ask a guy to change the way he feels and I would expect the same.

I vote no on kids and yes on dogs!

We're out there, you just have to look ;-)





Come crawling faster
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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You haven't said how old you are? If you're in your early 20's it's different a lot from your late 30's and pondering the question about having children.
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Re: Kids or no kids? [jenhs] [ In reply to ]
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Same here. Turned 41 this summer, wife will be 40 in the spring. Neither of us wanted kids and never regretted the decision for an instant.

I think the key is to decide what YOU want to do before making any decisions. Selfish? Maybe, but better to be selfish now then realize in 10 year when you have two brats running wound that this is not what you wanted.

===============
Amen, bitches!
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Re: Kids or no kids? [texastrigal] [ In reply to ]
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Best of luck in whatever direction you go.

I DO KNOW THIS...Nothing...not one personal, athletic or business accomplishment would have been as sweet or meaningful without having my children share in that success. They drive me and inspire me to be a better person...every day.
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