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Post deleted by achilles
Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Sometimes a little nudge is not sufficient. It sounds like there a some major warning signs that should be heeded. Often times in this situation an ultimatum is in order.

Or you can do as my friend and point out all of the hot/athletic chicks that you come across. That way she knows what you like and then she will strive for that. However, I would not give her to much time to get the ship righted if you know what I mean.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Is it the weight gain or the lifestyle that bothers you?

125 is not "fat" for her height... 10 lbs shouldnt be a deal-breaker if you ask me.

(unless you "mistakenly" forgot to post in pink font....)

Jen
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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I took 3 years after having my last child to decide that I was done with being 30 pounds heavier than pre-kid. I can tell you that I would have been HORRIFIED if my husband would have nudged me to do anything I wasn't ready to do. It sounds like your S.O is in a place where she just wants to 'be'. Let her be there. If she was the runner you say she was, she'll come around; on her own terms. I truly believe any type of ultimatum, suggestion, unsolicited advice is only going to make her feel like crap and eventually resent you for it. Love her where she is; she'll come around.

____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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That is a very tricky subject and it really doesn't sound to me as though she is overweight. If she's happy with how she looks and is still a healthy weight (which she is) then i am not sure it's your place to encourage her to do anything. Just leave her to get on with things and there is every chance she will go back to running or a more athletic lifestyle in her own time. You could be in real danger of hitting her confidence if you start suggesting she gets up and running too often. Women to not hear the things you think we hear, surely you don't want her to feel like you think she is not attractive to you anymore?
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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agree with the "let her find her own way", but would try one last thing, first (apart from ignoring amstel): why not invite her to go do something active together? i mean a relaxed-pace bike ride or hike through the local conservation area - hell, even just a walk together around your neighbourhood or the nearest park.

my husband isn't much of an athletic person, but he jumps at the chance to get out for a walk/hike/XC ski/snowboard trip with me...helps us spend time together, and he's starting to get interested in trying some racing - he's doing the bike leg of a super sprint tri with me (i'll do the swim and run) in july!

when you suggest it, do so in the context of doing something together, not "trying to get her off her butt"...and since the examples given above are basically non-competitive things, she shouldn't have to worry about not being able to perform up to par.

cheers!

-mistress k

__________________________________________________________
ill advised racing inc.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Maybe she's burned out on running and the lifestyle and truly wants to focus on her education. How would you feel if she said "honey, all you do is workout, how about a little personal enrichment. Why not take this astronomy class with me?"

She sounds as if she'd be better off without you!
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Since you asked.... stop encouraging her... let her decide when it's time to get back in the swing of things. When I was done with college swimming, I was DONE swimming, and DONE doing anything structured, whether for weight loss, exercise or just to see some pretty blue sky for a long time... like 2 years at least, ands swimming was the last sport that I started up again... sometimes after that long of focus on something, you just need to take a break - from all activity. Being healthy and active and being at her race weight are 2 very different things (race weight can be hard to maintain), but being structured still feels like the same old grind you did for years and years and years and it's hard to turn off the competitive button and just have "fun" exercising. I wouldn't say anything to her at all about being healthy, losing weight, maintaining weight, etc. When she's ready to focus on that again, she will. I liked the idea of going for walks around the block, going for a hike, going skiing, spontaneous, easy, non structured activity doesn't feel like the grind.

**********************
Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Loyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man."
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [vmandel] [ In reply to ]
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She sounds as if she'd be better off without you!

Now that's a productive response

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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Watch out or she will discover that you are more concerned about trying to change her than accept her for who she is right now.

Why not work on yourself instead of her??? Sounds like its your issue, not hers.
Last edited by: Angela K: Feb 9, 10 11:03
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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I have to admit that your post has me a little confused - and maybe that's why she's reacting the way she is.

You started your post by stressing her impressive credentials. So it's clear that those credentials are important to you (I can certainly understand that) and that you are proud of what she's done. You've also said that you've tried to encourage her to get back into running, but that she has no interest in doing so (and that she may not want to because she's used to being "in it to win it."). I can understand her perspective -- after being an elite at something, it can be hard to not be elite but still be around those same elites you used to compete against. (And maybe she didn't enjoy it as much as everyone thought...)

But then there's the discussion of weight (always tricky). From what you've said, when you encourage her to get back into running, she hears you say "you're getting fat", but you have said that you don't care about weight.

But then you tell her that you want her to have an "exercise regimen" so that she can stay the weight she wants to be. You then ask how you can encourage her to stay athletic.

And so here's where I get confused. Of course, there's a lot more that's been said between you two than what is in a post (that's just the nature of things) but it sounds like you have somewhat tied your encouragement to weight loss. (e.g., "can stay the weight that she wants to be.") That would cause a lot of people (myself included) to assume that you were telling me to get off the couch and burn off that burrito. But then your question is tied to athleticism. So it also sounds like you're missing the person that used to run, and that you found that person very attractive. I think it might help to ask yourself a few questions about that: what was it about her when she ran that got you going? Was it her independence, her zest, her confidence, her competitive streak, your bragging rights regarding her accomplishments, or her legs? You might have other issues you need to overcome, or perhaps there are other things that you two need to talk about.

Bottom line: I think you need to really figure out why you want her to run. If you are really just interested in her remaining healthy, a 5'4" woman at 125 is not going to set off any bells and whistles regarding heart health (barring any other issues). I'd leave her be if that's really and truly your issue. Take others' advice and go hiking, or see if she wants to go on an "active" vacation. If you think there are other issues that need to be addressed, maybe talking about those would help -- thinking about them certainly wouldn't hurt. And if she doesn't want to run because she doesn't want to be mediocre at something she used to excel at (or maybe doesn't want old competitors to see her suck?), see if there are other activities that she would be willing to try with you where she won't have preconceived notions of what she can do ... and where she'd be anonymous.

Just my two cents.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [squid] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
She sounds as if she'd be better off without you!

Now that's a productive response


Sounds like this dude was is in love with "the athlete" and now that she's given up that part of her life he's no longer interested in who she is as a person. Which is fine, but if that is the case then yes they are both better off without each other.
Last edited by: vmandel: Feb 9, 10 13:57
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
How do I encourage her to stay athletic?


As someone who frequently trains alongside his wife, I have to wonder if your encouragement includes the two of you training together or are you simply trying to get the GF off couch so you can watch something besides house hunters on HGTV? Smile

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Last edited by: ms6073: Feb 9, 10 14:18
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [vmandel] [ In reply to ]
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[/reply]

Sounds like this dude was is in love with "the athlete" and now that she's given up that part of her life he's no longer interested in who she is as a person. Which is fine, but if that is the case then yes they are both better off without each other.[/reply]



That's the impression I got too...

However, if that is NOT the case, and I hope so- She's over running. It happens. You burn out. At the end of my swimming career I hoped every day I would break my arm so I could quit the team. That's when you know it's time. Collegiate athletics is an emotional, mental and physical drain. She might come back around, but it may take years. Or it may never happen. Good for her for focusing on school.

I am SHOCKED no one has yet mentioned bike riding. I know a billion (well, maybe 10) extremely competitive runners who got burned out or injured and then fell in love with cycling. If you are really committed to her enjoying the 'athletic lifestyle' - buy her a bike!!!! Oh yeah!
Last edited by: mellorite: Feb 9, 10 17:11
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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First, I agree with all of the above posts. Chances are that she is burnt out...let her be and re-examine why you want this for her. Is your heart really in the right place? Why do you want this for her? I also find it a little odd that you know how much she weighs and her racing weight...but your post has been picked apart enough ;)

Assuming your heart is in the right place, I'm suprised no one has suggested joining a team sport. Would she (and you) have any interest in Ultimate, soccer, kickball, volleyball etc? Maybe adding more of a social aspect to exercies will help improve her interest level. It's easy to forget how fun it is to play team sports!
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [vmandel] [ In reply to ]
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if that is the case then yes they are both better off without each other.

That's an overly simplistic response that ignores the complexities of relationships. Having said that,
I agree that the OP should give her space to do as she pleases.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [squid] [ In reply to ]
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Plan an active trip like hiking Switzerland. (where we are going in May) or Colorado. I bet she will become self motivated and get in shape for something like this.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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OK, I was in a similar situation. I sustained injury in 2005/06 which prevented me from running until late last year. Over that course of time, I gained about 20 lb because of a complete change in lifestyle (no more tri, running, etc.) and I went back to school so was quite busy. My husband would try to get me active because he knew that exercise was a major way I dealt with stress and it generally made me happier in mood. But I didn't listen to any of his suggestions, and refused to go on hikes, etc. because I just wasn't interested. I am very stubborn. And I think I was kind of in mourning because I had been pretty much given up that I would ever be able to run again based on what docs had said and the long rehab process. I was dealing with a lot of issues in my head because I had sort of begun to define who I was on my athletic involvement. Looking back, it wasn't necessarily healthy to do that, but the injury gave me an opportunity to re-evaluate. Last year, I went in to a new gym that opening in town and they were running a 'Biggest Loser' competition and for some reason it really piqued my interest - I think I was just ready for something competitive again and it was something I would be doing for myself without feeling pressured by my hubby, etc. I lost the 20 lb that I had gained, and am now training for Ironman (I wanted to do it before my knees got too old and messed up).

My point is, it might be more complex in her head than you a perceiving. If she says she is happy with the way she looks and feels, then continuing to push her is not going to do much but question the relationship and your feelings for her. The thing you might be able to do is sit her down and talk to her about the reason she gave up running (I think someone else mentioned it) but talking to her doesn't necessarily that she is going to really want to talk about it if she feels like you are prying for information as to why she isn't as fit/thin as she used to be. And no, 5'4" and 125 lb. is not overweight at all. I am 5'5" and weigh 140, and I'm still in the healthy range. When she is ready, she will go back to running or get more active, but it's not really up to you.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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This post is an awesome example of man-woman communication...

Guy says: I don't care if she's 10-15lbs heavier, I just would like her to be active and healthy...

It means: just that...

Half the women jump on him, and hear 'you're telling her she's fat, which she isn't'...

Getting the popcorn ready to watch that train wreck.

———————————
3 slots available for motivated athletes
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [Fraussie] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
This post is an awesome example of man-woman communication...

Guy says: I don't care if she's 10-15lbs heavier, I just would like her to be active and healthy...

It means: just that...

Half the women jump on him, and hear 'you're telling her she's fat, which she isn't'...

Getting the popcorn ready to watch that train wreck.


If he didn't care, why did he even bring it up?

However I wasn't one who jumped on him for the weight thing.

It's more of "I want to change her to be what I want, not who she is now"

Which is why I say end it. If he can't accept she's over that part of her life, it's best for both parties involved. Though really if things are bad enough to ask for relationship advice on a forum, it's probably already over.

oh and whoever said buy her a bike. Yes. Buy her a bike!!!
Last edited by: vmandel: Feb 10, 10 10:51
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [vmandel] [ In reply to ]
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How dare he encourage her to be active and healthy??! Yeah you're right! What if your SO wanted to wear pjs all the time? Or eat cheeseburgers only?
But it's different here. He wants her active and healthy. What a dumb
idea ;)

———————————
3 slots available for motivated athletes
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [Fraussie] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
How dare he encourage her to be active and healthy??! Yeah you're right! What if your SO wanted to wear pjs all the time? Or eat cheeseburgers only?
But it's different here. He wants her active and healthy. What a dumb
idea ;)


that is funny. I am laughing. Nice work.
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [Fraussie] [ In reply to ]
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I guess for clarity sake, if someone seems to be losing weight it's ok to be concerned about eating disorders. when things go in the opposite direction just keep it quiet as there are no underlying issues. I mean, really... at what point is it enough of a concern to mention something? 15lbs? 30? 50? there's a breaking point for everyone where on either side of the weight issue it's a cry for help/attention/concern. the knee jerk reaction and defensive "it's only 10-15lbs" is laughable. if he had said his SO lost 10-15lbs and was concerned the responses would be sympathetic and he'd be considered a caring adoring partner who is rightfully worried about a serious issue facing women of all ages. of course, weight gain isn't considered a problem here soo.... I guess the guy's a douche for saying something... LOL

When they kick at your front door, How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun
Paul Simonon
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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [vmandel] [ In reply to ]
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Though really if things are bad enough to ask for relationship advice on a forum, it's probably already over.

So if a couple has an issue in their relationship, that means it's over?!?!

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Re: How to encourage her without her hearing "I think you're getting fat!" [achilles] [ In reply to ]
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Tell her there will be no sex until she is back to race weight.
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