How to Handle No-Thank Yous

Apr 12, 08 17:18

Post #1 of 27 (8260 views)

So I'm guessing some of you Womens out there have sisters, eh? With kids? Well, I'm the childless aunt who couldn't be more different than my sister. Hubby always sits in disbelief that we grew up in the same household a mere 4 yrs apart. Me oldest, she youngest.

Anyway, not sure how to handle this. Won't digress into the bizarre parenting of sis/weird bro-in-law as there's no abuse, etc, just weird. (hyper religous, kinda not very tidy -- but then again I aspire to be Monk so my opinion is prolly skewed :) )

So my 13 y/o niece gets accepted to a fine arts camp this summer for clarinet that you have to try out for and gets a $250 scholarship, so I send a card and match that with $250 and hear nothing!!!

Even today, I stop by her house and neither my niece, nor my sister mention a thing about it. No thank you, nada. Not the first time either.

I'm sorta feeling like "you ungrateful little beyotch" but then again don't want to penalize my niece, who prolly doesn't know any better b/c she's never been taught to send thank yous for gifts.

and then there's the old "you don't have kids so you don't know what it's like" scenario I fear if I broach the topic with my sister. I so want to say, "hey, sis, ya know, this is kinda UN cool that the kids never acknowledge gifts."

So you're the parent, and you need to hear this, how to say it w/out her getting defensive?

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 12, 08 17:27

Post #2 of 27 (8249 views)

First things first, you did get a confirmation at least that they received it, right?

You know, if this was 20 years ago, I would have said that your sister is my sister-in-law (married my twin).

Behold the turtle! He makes progess only when he sticks his neck out. (James Bryant Conant)
GET OFF THE F*%KING WALL!!!!!!! (Doug Stern)
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Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 12, 08 17:48

Post #3 of 27 (8235 views)

Wow.

I would confirm that she did get the check as parkito suggested. If it was received I think I would say something. I'm al for playing the guilt card as in "I'm SO excited that you were accepted to camp, but my feelings are hurt that you didn't acknowledge the gift I sent." I'd say this to your niece, she's old enough to know better. I've been sending the occasional gift and cash to my niece who is in college and let her know straight away (I sent her cash last fall and heard nothing back) that it is NOT acceptable to not call/text/e-mail or write a thank you.

Maybe for her next gift get her a pack of cute thank you note, a couple sheets of stamps and an address book. Get her one on etiquette too.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [QRgirl] [ In reply to ]

Apr 12, 08 19:00

Post #4 of 27 (8206 views)

In Reply To:

Get her one on etiquette too.

LOL - screw music camp. Send her to finishing school!

All joking aside, that's pretty weak. I will admit to being pretty lame when it comes to cards and notes in the mail (pretty much anything that makes me handwrite), but a call or an email would suffice. If you're certain that she got it (cheque cleared?) then mention it. "You don't have kids" is a BS excuse and anyone who pulls that shit knows it.

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
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Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 5:50

Post #5 of 27 (8126 views)

I think you should tell your sister that her kids need to learn to write thank you notes. Your niece didn't write one because she doesn't know she should. I remember my grandmother used to give us really nice stationary with our names engraved on it when she thought we were old enough to begin writing thank you notes. Maybe it is time to give your niece a box!

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [QRgirl] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 6:02

Post #6 of 27 (8124 views)

I second this approach- there is a small chance that maybe they didn't get it? I can't believe them not saying anything at all but this is a good way to broach the subject.

Question: do you feel it's appropriate to send an email thank-you? getting kids to actually handwrite something these days that's more than a begrudging "thankyou for the Birthday money/gift" I'm debating this one as we speak...

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [Snap!] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 8:09

Post #7 of 27 (8095 views)

I don't think an e-mail is as nice as a hand written note, but in the case of my niece, if I send her $50, I'd be happy to get any sort of thanks (e-mail, phone call, text) to acknowledge it.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [Snap!] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 8:11

Post #8 of 27 (8093 views)

I think email's too informal. I'm 21... email is for day to day writing and keeping up with things, but a nice gift deserves a real, written thank you note.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 9:47

Post #9 of 27 (8067 views)

I agree, it is totally OK to ask if it was received safely.

Although there are many situations where a non parent cannot possibly understand "what it's like", I think this is the exact opposite. As a parent, I find it apalling that a $250 cash gift could go unmentioned. My boys have been scrawling thank-yous since they could put their paws in fingerpaint, or as babies, been propped up on the sofa and photographed holding a sign that says "Thank you".

That said -- I doubt you'll change your sister's mind about the importance of Thank You's.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 13:15

Post #10 of 27 (8022 views)

You are a great aunt!! I would ask if she received it also. I don't think it's out of place to expect/ask for a thank you note. Your sister will probably get defensive, but it will probably make her think about it.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 14:45

Post #11 of 27 (8006 views)

It's really a shame that children are not taught these basics of good manners. In our household the gift, toy, book etc, is not played with until the Thank You note is written. My daughter is now ten and loves her collection of stationary. Sometimes we take pictures of her with the gift and include those with her cards. My son who is thirteen does not enjoy it as much, but has learned to write a nice note. It's not your neice's fault her mother has not taught her good manners. Next gift, get her some cute thank you cards or stationary with her name engraved. It sounds like she needs a guiding force like you in her life. Hey, Monk has a lot of great habits!!

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 17:25

Post #12 of 27 (7966 views)

holy crap, we have the same sister and niece!!!

I've just given up at this point. I gave my niece $1000 for HS graduation to buy clothes for college. no thank you note, nothing. instead, she got pregnant in Sept and ended up dropping out of school in Dec. $1000 on clothes she will never be able to wear again (she's a couch potato so I have a hard time seeing her losing the weight). I do always get a written thank you from my nephew though. sadly, some people have no basic social etiquette.

maybe get your niece an Emily Post book for her birthday or Christmas? her mother isn't teaching her manners, maybe you can try?

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 18:50

Post #13 of 27 (7940 views)

Wow, I would have a fit! Then I'd probably say something tactless and make a bad situation worse so I should probably avoid giving advice. You do have to say something though, letting something like this go without comment would be a bad idea.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 13, 08 19:19

Post #14 of 27 (7933 views)

Ive NEVER got a thank you from my sister, niece or nephew. Ever. Figure that is the way it will be so I send them thing that I WANT to send and never feel that I 'have to' or 'should'....as they dont feel they have to or should say thanks. Well I think my sis has said thanks but never the kids, and never anything written. It would be nice but if I said anything Id ge them same thing too, like 'you dont understand you dont have kids Im so busy'...I always ALWAYS have to say: did you get the card/parcel to make sure they did get it, otherwise Id never know, then I get a thanks.
Maybe send them a box of thank you cards? or maybe presonalized stationary for the kids?
I have thought of maybe sending some personalized stationary to the kids but I dont think kids even write letters these days? maybe this suggestion is completely outta touch. But I know when I was a 10 year old girl I would have loved some stationary, I used to even buy my own girly notes and stickers, etc.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 14, 08 7:06

Post #15 of 27 (7876 views)

In Reply To:

and then there's the old "you don't have kids so you don't know what it's like" scenario I fear if I broach the topic with my sister. I so want to say, "hey, sis, ya know, this is kinda UN cool that the kids never acknowledge gifts."

So you're the parent, and you need to hear this, how to say it w/out her getting defensive?

"I sent Susie a $250 gift to go towards clarinet camp? Did it arrive?" is a way to point out that you would have like to have heard SOMETHING.

Another way to handle it is to casually mention the situation to Grandma. If your mom is the one who taught you about manners, she might be willing to give her granddaughter a little lecture. (When I got this lecture from my grandma, it went something like this: "Your Aunt Ruth sent you a birthday card with money in it. It's been two weeks since your birthday, and she hasn't gotten a thank-you note. You need to send one to her NOW so she knows you got it.")

"Real winners aren't content with yesterday's victories"

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [SaraJean] [ In reply to ]

Apr 14, 08 7:47

Post #16 of 27 (7862 views)

That's an interesting idea about grandma. Though it makes me wonder what went wrong, I mean did my mom give up after #4 and forget the manners lesson for my sis 4 years my junior?

I think I'll do what I know has to be done, confrontation :) First I'll ask if she received the gift (which I know darn well they did) and then talk about thank yous.

Oy. I'm just afraid of the "What, yer trying to tell me how to raise my kids?" scenario.

I dunno when etiquette went out the window, but don't even get me started on the endless showers where the honoree slaps envelopes at each seat where you fill in your own name and address for your thank you! Here lemme give you a stamp, too.

Tnx for all the comments and ideas!

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 14, 08 8:15

Post #17 of 27 (7853 views)

In Reply To:

Oy. I'm just afraid of the "What, yer trying to tell me how to raise my kids?" scenario.

"Would you rather she hear it from me, or would you rather have her make ettiquite mistakes out in the real world? The music industry is very political, and offending people by neglecting to write thank-you notes can have an adverse impact on one's career."

"Real winners aren't content with yesterday's victories"

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 14, 08 11:23

Post #18 of 27 (7777 views)

Red-faced, guilt ridden, and sheepish -- but okay, I'll chime in here. I have about a 50% success rate on sending or having my kids send thank you notes. I was raised right; my mom always made us write the notes. But I get busy and overwhelmed with my life and my kids and we just sometimes don't get to it. If your sister is normal (sounds like that might be a big if), she's already feeling guilty. You could call and confirm she received it (even though it would be an obvious ruse if the check's been cashed) and it might motivate a better response in the future.

I do think it's a little odd not to receive any acknowledgment for such a generous gift. For stuff like that, I always make my kids call the sender.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

Apr 16, 08 14:28

Post #19 of 27 (7556 views)

I honestly don't know what I clicked to get here with the womens.

But anyway, if you really want to give someone something for them to enjoy then why does it matter if you got a note?

If you gave it to them because you wanted to bask in the gratitude (and I have done this) then was the gift really for her or was it for you?

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [Kevin in MD] [ In reply to ]

Apr 16, 08 18:48

Post #20 of 27 (7527 views)

I agree....if a gift is truly a gift it comes with no strings attached....let it go....if you dont want to give in the future because of this then dont, but quit expecting others to conform to your ideas of whats "proper"...why confront your sister and niece? ask yourself: what are you trying to achieve? and then ask yourself if confronting her will achieve that. I guess if you want to communicate "your a poor mother" then go for it...but dont be surprised if you damage this relationship with you sister and perhaps you niece.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [CamR] [ In reply to ]

May 2, 08 20:18

Post #21 of 27 (7213 views)

In Reply To:

holy crap, we have the same sister and niece!!!

I've just given up at this point. I gave my niece $1000 for HS graduation to buy clothes for college. no thank you note, nothing. instead, she got pregnant in Sept and ended up dropping out of school in Dec. $1000 on clothes she will never be able to wear again (she's a couch potato so I have a hard time seeing her losing the weight). I do always get a written thank you from my nephew though. sadly, some people have no basic social etiquette.

maybe get your niece an Emily Post book for her birthday or Christmas? her mother isn't teaching her manners, maybe you can try?

OMG! I can't even believe this. Preggers? make her buy (condoms, just kidding) a nice crib with the money. Take the clothes back. anything! Aaaack!

As for the thank you notes: first make sure the check was cashed, if it was ask if she got it, then confront them. That is just plain RUDE!

--------------------
Jeanne Roth
Team Timex 2007/2008
http://jeannejeannie.blogspot.com/

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

May 3, 08 5:40

Post #22 of 27 (7183 views)

I have a niece with two children who are surely old enough to acknowledge presents. None of them ever do. Although I'm not holding the affront *close to my heart,* it really does affect how I feel about continuing to send 'em gifts. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. Everybody likes to hear thank you! But the thing about family is you gotta love 'em regardless.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

May 5, 08 12:06

Post #23 of 27 (7003 views)

That's ridiculous. I just don't get it with some parents these days. I don't care how freaking busy you are, it doesn't take that long. Sheesh, my 9yo boy sat down and wrote the thank you's for his birthday. Sure, I made it easy for him and wrote it out for him to copy but he still sat there and did it. And, he wasn't allowed to go play until they were done. Not teaching your kids manners is just plain lazy IMHO and not helping them out for later in life. And, we wonder why there's such a sense of entitlement with some kids these days. Argh.

Anyway..if it were me, I'd flat out ask my sister if they got it. Just ask if they got it because you were wondering since you hadn't heard anything. If they don't say thank you THEN, I'd be royally pissed and probably snarkily say, "Well, you're welcome." No, it's not your niece's fault b/c obviously she's not being taught to do so but still...if you're sister gets pissed, you can reply that it's better she learn now before she offends someone that isn't family.

Just my $.02.

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]

May 6, 08 9:18

Post #24 of 27 (6837 views)

I think QRgirl's response is entirely appropriate-qualified by 32 years of parenting and six years of grandparenting...

"I would confirm that she did get the check as parkito suggested. If it was received I think I would say something. I'm al for playing the guilt card as in "I'm SO excited that you were accepted to camp, but my feelings are hurt that you didn't acknowledge the gift I sent." I'd say this to your niece, she's old enough to know better. I've been sending the occasional gift and cash to my niece who is in college and let her know straight away (I sent her cash last fall and heard nothing back) that it is NOT acceptable to not call/text/e-mail or write a thank you.

Maybe for her next gift get her a pack of cute thank you note, a couple sheets of stamps and an address book. Get her one on etiquette too."

Jay

Re: How to Handle No-Thank Yous [JBR] [ In reply to ]

May 6, 08 14:36

Post #25 of 27 (6743 views)

Thanks for the replies. After the boys responses above, I was a bit puzzled and thought, hmm, well, there's another point of view.

but Oh, man I'm sucha a nonconfrontational weenie. She drops the ball. BUT I have another opportunity to address it because a gal-pal whose daughters also did the camp has some uniform shirts she's gonna give to her. THEN for sure I'm going to bring up the thank you issue regarding pretty much a complete stranger's generosity.

The whole "no thank you" IMHO is just producing a generation of youth who believe that they're entitled to all of this rather than realizing the good fortune they're experiencing. OK, off my soap box now. :)

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