The sacrifices that you've made would be for nothing if you don't do the race. Do it in honor of your furry children. Take a few days off to relax mentally and get back in it. You've work this entire year for this race and you are almost done.

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http://trainingoferic.blogspot.com/

You've lost two close friends in a very short period of time, you have to allow yourself to grieve! I can completely identify with your struggles right now (my Mental Health Day yesterday was tough - but apparently necessary) and I keep being reassured that this is the hardest part of getting ready for these races. The long hours, the sacrifice in our personal lives and the pressure we put on ourselves.

It sounds callous, but ask yourself if having spent more time with the pup or with the horse would have changed the outcome? I doubt either animal felt unloved or unappreciated and it sounds like they both lived good lives. Don't beat yourself up too much of the Big Man's plan - we can't change it no matter how much we try. We make the decisions we do based on what we know and believe at the time to be best for all involved, including the furballs.

I say give yourself a couple of days to help start the healing process, or to allow yourself to wallow and feel it. Both are perfectly acceptable. You won't do any drastic damage to training if you shorten a workout or skip one altogether. It sounds like you're well-prepared for this race, use the memories to help boost you along. Maybe it sounds corny and way too female, but would they want you to quit because you're sad?

Hang in there....

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AW

Great advice from these two posts already. Listen to them. I just want to add that there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing something for yourself from time to time. Women often have trouble being a bit selfish, but there's nothing wrong with it. Doing an IM for yourself is a really great thing. It wouldn't have changed anything if you weren't training, so stop beating yourself up. Do your race and have an amazing day. Your first IM is a life-changing experience. Enjoy it for what it is.

I completely agree with what everyone has said. I highly doubt your kids were neglected, they probably lived better lives than many! I don't think for a second you are being selfish by racing. If you're not healthy and happy, you can't keep everyone else healthy and happy, which by the way is many womens' job in our society.

Have a great race and dedicate it to your kids.

P.S. Awesome job on the 65 pounds!!

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Come crawling faster

I use the grief and sadness over loss as a motivator to live my life to the fullest. For me, that includes the challenge of training for Ironmans. I feel very engaged in my life when I am training and I always keep in my head and my heart the loved ones that I am honoring by being engaged fully in whatever I choose to do. The only way to deal with making sense of death, for me, is to use it as a constant reminder of the importance of truly LIVING your life.
ETA: My opinion on guilt...it serves no purpose. It will not bring back your loved ones. If you think you did something wrong, change. If you don't (and I do not think you did ANYTHING wrong), then don't change. Feel sad. Miss your loved ones like crazy. Grieve. But don't feel guilty. It holds you back, and your loved ones would not want you to feel that way. I promise.
Jess

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Jessica

Thanks so much for all the responces. You all are right,most women feel guilty for doing things that improves themselves or takes them away from caring for others. I appreciate all your kind words.....

C,
I am sooooo hugging you right now. I lost my "once in a life time" agility dog two weeks ago and am missing him terribly. Also, two of my three horses are 21 and I've had them all since they were born so I can relate to them being your children. One of my older horses was just diagnosed with Cushings. It came on him very quickly and has progress just as quickly. I understand your grief and guilt. My dog what only 4 years old and he was closed outside of our gate while I was not home. I've thought many times that if I'd just not gone out that evening, I'd still have him (although it was to pickup my daughter). At the same time I am listening to my vet tell me that if my horse doesn't show improvement within a month, we will probably be making "the decision" regarding him. I'm not sure why things happen the way they do but I can totally empathize with what you are feeling.
My thoughts on choosing to train...I work full time, have a teenaged daughter, tri train as much as my schedule allows, have dogs and horses, compete with both...but you are the best for others when you are at your best. For some that maybe something other than tri training but for some of us, that's it. We train. If you were to give up some of your training, you wouldn't the same you. Please let go of your guilt most all because it can just eat you up believe me. Just as you take time for yourself to train, you need to let your self grieve. The first week after my dog died, I would sob uncontrollably when I would run. The sadness is hard enough to deal with, don't beat yourself up over something you couldn't control.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time
Hugs
S

Thank you so much for your gracious thoughts. Animal people are as devoted to their furry babies as any human baby. I had my boy for 11 years(not long enough). I sure will be thinking of your boy and wishing him well. I appreciate the hugs! I suspect training helps us tolerate all the slings and arrows of life...I suspect I better bring along a box of kleenex to IMF as I know everything will be flowing there and it will feel good.

Don't stress it. I feel for your loss. It's always sad to lose a love one, even animals. I have 2 cats and a dog who are very much apart of my family with one of my cats very sick and dieing to. But you have to HTFU and get on with your life! Give it a week to morn and move on, you have a race to do. I say this with the best intentions as I to lost a loved one. 3 days before my Muskoka 70.3 race 3 weeks ago, my Grandma died. Talk about bad timing! I had a choice of what to do. My race entree and room at the Deerhurst was paid for, credit for that matter which will take me at least a year to pay off as I'm still paying off my last race at IMLP which was paid on credit. ( for me to be able to do any of these M-dot races and having to enter a year in advance I have to use credit and pay it back on time.) So now what do I do?? Do I go to my race or go to all the showings and funeral of my G-ma? Well I tell you it was a tough decision. I didn't want to leave my hotel room empty and not race, and I needed to be with my family through this tough time. Call me selfish, but I put a lot of time and effort in getting ready for this race even knowing I couldn't run the race because of my foot injury. So I did the only thing I could. I did both! I went to Muskoka to secure my room and register for the race on the Friday, (thanks to Mitch and Janet,) they let me register early so I could get back to Toronto for my G-ma's showings with family, and the funeral the next morning. I had friends take my bike and rack it for me as I couldn't get back in time to do it. My wife and I missed the whole weekend of events including the welcome dinner. While in T.O. I tryed to stay strong the who day, but when my grandma's coffin was being lowered down in the hole I cryed like a baby. I then decided I will do my race in honour of her. I didn't get back to Muskoka until late Sat night. And with only a few hours of sleep I was up at 5am to get ready for my day. When the rain started, I knew and felt the rain was a reminder and tribute of my G-ma, mourning her death. I swam thinking of her, I rode thinking of her, even cryed a bit on the bike? don't really know if it was because I was thinking of her? or because of the frigging hills!!.... and ran/walked thinking of her all the while it poured rain. At the end of the race when I finished, I felt cleansed and refreshed, happy I raced. Along my long walk/run I had lots of time to reflect and think of G-ma, I felt she was looking down on me and cheering me on to finish knowing how difficult it is for me to run on my bad foot. I'm glad I did the race. I did it for myself, and because of her death as a tribute to my grandma. May she rest in peace.

C:
its taken me several days after first reading your post to reply because I could not write without tears. I think all of the animal lovers of ST know exactly how you feel and can relate. Most of us have lost a beloved pet and have had to deal with the extreme grief and sometimes guilt associated with the loss.
I also understand your weariness now to train and lack of motivation for the race. I have been faced with similar circumstances in the past prior to a big event like IM and have gone both ways in my decision. You need to ask yourself if you are in the right frame of mind to train the next couple of weeks and toe the start line or if this race is not in your best interest mentally to try to focus on. You are the only one who can make that decision. If you are physically trained and healthy to race then I think once you get to the race you will be ready mentally to do the race. Your thoughts will be filled with so much race day and a lot of those thoughts will be of both of your lost pets. That is understandable and a good thing. You can remember them on a day that is special to you. If you chose not to race you may regret that later because you have sacrificed so much to get to where you are. I hope you can think through this and make the decision that is right for you. Either way, it will be the right one for you.
I will be at IMF as a volunteer. Let me know your race number and I will come by your transition spot and say hello.
Just remember how blessed your animals were to have you in their lives and know they were happy.
Jana

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Put a picture or two of the horse and dog in your jersey for the bike and run (not the swim! :) ). It may help motivate you during the race.

Go and race! Spend the day celebrating all the wonderful times you had with your animals. One of the things I love about Ironman is where your mind wanders during the race - it is a long day to think and be by yourself with your own thoughts, memories and dreams.

Deb, I hope it's going a little easier for you now that a little bit of time has passed? Are you still planning IMF? You get my big old cyber self with you every stroke, pedal, and step of the way. God's blessings!

k

I just wanted to send you a big hug. Grief is tough work!!! Trying to deal with guilt just makes it harder. YOu were doing something you loved which made you happy. When you are happy you can give more to the ones (people or animals)you love. I hope time will help you give yourself a break.

Thanks for all the responces. I sure am happy to know the many animal lovers out there can also be triathletes too! It has been a little over a week and I miss him so much as I know I will for a very long time to come. So I had a sweatshirt embroidered (orange and teal) "Powered by Jet and Cayenne" that I will wear at the race.....hopefully at the finish line!
Just finished my last 4 hour run today and thought of my babies the whole way. It will be a good day at the race!
Thanks so much for everyones warm thoughts,
C