I understand completely how you feel, with the one exception that my training and racing "partner" happens to be my boyfriend who also thinks he's my coach. It drives me crazy, and it will be what drives us apart.

I've had a similar experience where I had a terrible, cold (I hate running on frozen stumps), and painful race (he incorrectly adjusted my seat position, the know-it-all that he is). He went on and on how great it was for him, when it was one of the worst for me. Rather than speaking up for myself and telling him to stop telling me what I should have done, I tried to ignore him. It would have been better had I stood up for myself. It would have nipped the "you should do (XXXXXXX) next time" in the bud a long time ago. Instead, I'm still ignoring him.

So in my infinite wisdom of do-what-I-say, not-as-I-do, I would suggest you tell this girl that she hurt your feelings by not caring or even asking about your race. If she still is so self-absorbed and doesn't care, then ask yourself if you're better off training/racing with her or without her. I know, I know, I should take my own advice.

Not everyone trains/races well in a group. I know I don't. I enjoy the peace and quiet of training alone, although I love to talk about it afterwards. If she's a true friend, she'll be concerned that she hurt your feelings. If she gets mad, well, you'll always have your ST friends :).

I'm sorry your friend was so self absorbed. I have had the exact opposite situation. My two best training partners and mentors will almost go overboard when I have a bad day to make me feel better. When I'm weak they'll say, "you need a rest day, are you sleeping enough, how was your eating this week?" They are supportive in every way. Today we all did a race and the friend who won overall master's women was the first to ask me how I did and reassure the women who were disappointed. I would suggest you re-examine this friendship. Is this a one time lack of consideration or does it happen in other aspects? Some times when I don't even want to train, I'll go for the supportive company of my girl friends That's what it's all about. You deserve a considerate friend who is not self absorbed. See how it all plays out and you may want to phase this woman out of your circle as time goes on.

I made a decision several years ago to not have "vampires" in my life. They are the people who take more energy than they give and generally make it hard to be their friend.

Does she do this to you on a regular bases? If yes, then I say step back and spend your time with others who view friendship as an equal partnership. It is hard to let people go sometimes when they have a role in your life but if they take more than they give it just isn't worth it.

If this is unusual then I'd let it slide. Everyone can be a jackass sometimes. Even me. (haha)

It is really difficult to find a training partner so dropping someone sucks but again, doesn't sound worth it to me.

I'm sorry you had such a tough day. It really rots when you go to all the effort it takes to race and you have a bad day. I'd buy you a cupcake if I could.

Do you have a Specialty's Bakery and Deli out by you? If so, I can send you a cookie-gram good for one cookie :-)

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

I'm having a bad day too. Not for the same reason as you, but nonetheless I feel your pain. I've always known it, but it's amazing how all this training can make you a little weaker emotionally (maybe weaker isn't the right word... more sensitive hah).
I don't have a training partner and your story makes me glad for this. Of course, the fact that it's 6:30 and I still haven't gone out for my run yet makes me wish I did. I'm sure it would be loooong done if I did. Depending how important your partner is to you, you need to either 1. tell her how you are/were feeling (if you want to keep her around), or 2. Tell her to f-off (if you want her to f-off haha, obviously).

Now in a total hijack of your post, but in the same realm of topic, I'm a recent joiner of the ST posters. So far, not good. Don't get me wrong, you Womens have been amazing! :D But I'm really surprised at a lot of the guys that are posting and replying to me. Their replies are rather condescending or overly aggressive. I've made just a couple of comments outside of The Womens, both of which have been met with complete hostility. I realize that sometimes things don't transfer well in writing, but still. Jen, I noticed your post about everyone being a little moody lately. I don't have any comparison to other times since I'm new, but there has definitely been a less than welcoming sense to me. Note to self: stay the f away from posting anything other than in The Womens.
So thank you all you Womens!

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

Ok, don't anyone go jumping on me but I'll throw another option out there. Yes, it sounds as though she was/is being self-absorbed but then again there's a chance that you are doing exactly the same thing. For example:

But my friend, who had to know how long it took me to finish, never once asked me what happened or what was going on with me.

and

I realize she was really psyched about winning an award, but can I consider her a real friend anymore after she shows no consideration for my feelings, and doesn't realize that she's freaking rubbing my face in it?

If she is a true friend then my guess is that she was just simply overly excited by her race and in all honestly it probably didn't even register that you had a horrible race. For all she knows you may have come in right behind her because she just simply wasn't paying attention to you - she was paying attention to herself (something I think all of us are guilty of from time to time - I for one know I'm guilty as charged). I think you nailed it when you said that she doesn't even know she's rubbing your face in it. She probably doesn't know and you can either tell her that it's bothering you and she'll stop (again, assuming she's a true friend) or you can let her continue in her self-absorbment for awhile.

I guess what I'm trying to say and not doing so well - I'm just not convinced that this gal is doing any of this to outwardly bother you. She's doing what all of us do from time to time which is just be really happy with how we preformed and completely oblivious to everything else around us. In which case she really isn't a bad person, she's just guilty of being human.

As for dealing with a bad race I've certainly had those days - best of which was DNFing and then standing around waiting for my husband and friends to go on and have the race of the summer last year. That was an ego killer. But I believe you can either make a decision to wallow in your disappointment (ok - at least a little wallowing is probably a good thing but not too much) or you can choose to realize that all of us will have a bad day from time to time, be proud of the fact you pushed through it, and celebrate in your friend's achievement.

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http://smallfoodbiz.com
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Not to be less than supportive, but I don't relate at all.

So you had a bad day, we all do. Why should your friend not be happy about having a great race? I am happy for my friends when they do well, even if I totally suck (which is the case lately). The last time I raced I actually pulled out early. Then stayed on the sidelines cheered for my friends/teammates.

Whether she is right or wrong in how she relates to you, you should be responsible for your feelings. I don't particularly appreciate everything said all the time by all of my friends, but I generally let it go. Its better for me.

We do this for fun, right?

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

Of course, the fact that it's 6:30 and I still haven't gone out for my run yet makes me wish I did.

That's how I feel a lot too. Training partners tend to get you going (though sometimes too early for me). Days I train by myself I procrastinate like crazy. Days I train with others I curse them from the time I wake up until I get 3/4 of the way through the workout.

But I'm really surprised at a lot of the guys that are posting and replying to me. Their replies are rather condescending or overly aggressive. I've made just a couple of comments outside of The Womens, both of which have been met with complete hostility.

I think that's why the womens forum was created. I think I've posted more since it was created, even though when it was first created I didn't really get it. I don't think I would have posted the top ten list or the pizza/eye story/race report in the main room. I could have, but I tire of the same comments over and over. A couple guys did ask me if I wrote a race report and I told them it was in the Womens room. They cursed and swore never to look. In real life most of my friends/training partners are men, but online they get old. Or maybe it's just I think I need more female friends so I hang out here a lot :-)

Funny. I only have 1 female friend, and she is my best friend's cousin so we just kind of gravitated to each other after he died. Glad I'm not the only one feeling this. Thanks!!!! :) (and keep the posts coming, cuz I've definitely found yours clever and a good read. And congrats on the craziness that was Az. What a gong show!haha)

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

x2

I can see how this would be a frustrating situation and do not mean to be negative or flame anyone. However, there is clearly a very high rivalry between these training partners if one can't be happy for the good performance of the other, and in stark contrast goes on a rant about how everyone should be paying attention to her bad performance. Who is the selfish one here?

Just trying to put it in perspective, not start a flame throwing contest.

Jodi

Thanks for everyone chiming in. Some of you get it - and have some good comments. I don't think my friend is being a vampire, as this is the first time she's done something like this. I know she wasn't trying to make me feel bad. But yeah, it's an example of a real self-absorbtion that will cause me to take a step back and examine our relationship. I certainly failed by not saying something to her at the time.

I don't appreciate the comments that amount to me being a bad sport, selfish, etc. Friends care about each other's feelings, and friendship isn't a one-way street. That's really my complaint. Jodi, I never said that everyone should be paying attention to my bad performance- I said that my girlfriend should have at least cared and inquired about how I raced (which people who I'm casual friends with did). I also never said I wasn't happy for her good performance, though I will tell you it's a lot happier to be someone when they're humble and not bragging about how they're not even sore after a race. You are right, Jodi, in that we have a rivalry, which in the past has been friendly and supportive. Sometimes she beats me, sometimes I beat her (less often), and we hug and high five at the end and it's all good. I noticed leading up to this race she was making a lot of comments that would minimize any flaws in her performance come race day, which rubbed me the wrong way early on because really, I didn't want to focus on racing (it's freaking April), just on working really hard and having fun. This is making me feel like the friendly rivalry has a toxic element, at least for me.

Oops, somehow the editor deleted my attempt to respond to this. Is Specialty's the sandwich chain based out of SF that has freshly baked bread, great muffins and yummy cookies? I used to work right next to one and go there all the time. MMmmmm. Peanut butter & banana sandwiches. We don't have any great West Coast style sandwich shops where I live now :(

I get what you are saying and would be pissed too. It's why I have issues with the whole team thing and bike racing. I want to win. Or more correct is probably I want to beat people. I don't want to give up a chance to win for a teammate to win.

And, 'we do this for fun'? HELL NO! See above about winning and beating people. Which is why I buried myself to take the sprint for 6th place yesterday.

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

So here's my question to y'all (I realize my emotions are a little raw right now) how do I go on being friends with this girl? I realize she was really psyched about winning an award, but can I consider her a real friend anymore after she shows no consideration for my feelings, and doesn't realize that she's freaking rubbing my face in it?

First, I'm sorry you had a bad race. It happens to all of us. My initial response is to day HTFU, go out and kick some butt next time. That will make you feel GREAT!

What I don't understand is why you're considering ending an friendship over a bad day for you/good day for her? Of course she's going to by psyched, she had a fantastic day. By being happy for herself, I would guess there is no intent to rub your face in anything, as you stated above she doesn't realize that is how it's coming across to you . You can certainly feel sorry for yourself (I would for a bit) but shit happens to all of us so be happy for her too.

You can't control other people, but you can control how you react to them. If you had had just an average day out there (as opposed to a terrible day), I bet her behavior wouldn't have bothered you at all. Just take a big breath and let it go. There's no need to keep pent up anger. It's not doing you any good. Don't ruin a friendship because of this one incident. If this is indicative of what your relationship is like all the time, then maybe it's time to get some distance from her, but it sounds like it was a one time thing. Lots and lots of different things happened to make the day turn out like it did.

Use this race as a motivator and a learning tool to get better, so things like that don't happen again (or at least you can try to minimize them). You've also got a glimpse at how those of us at the BOP feel most of the time when we're 12th out of 13 in our age group. Maybe you'll cheer a little louder for us at your next race when you're already done and we still have 2 miles to go!!

Also, don't get upset about other people replying here who disagree with you. They are just trying to give you a different point of view. It's often useful to look at the situation as an outsider. No one's attacking you here. Just try to see if through their eyes and maybe you'll gain some perspective. You posted this issue on a public forum, so you have to be prepared to get replies from all different stripes of people.

JDti -- the season is still young. I hope you have some great races to make up for this.

As far as the hurt feelings situation with your friend, the most disturbing aspect of your report is the comment about "not even being sore" after the race. WTF??? That just reeks of undermining. It was that easy, eh? I just don't get how a person could say that. Are we racing or not? Maybe I am amplifying this b/c i was not there, but that just strikes me as a little 'something extra' that didn't need to be said.

One nice part about triathlon and doing it with friends, is, that there are 3 chances (more if you include transition) to express yourself. Even if you don't get the faster overall time, sometimes it is a consolation to have the faster [insert sport here] split. Because that's "really" your speciality ;-)

Also, I agree with a previous comment about feelings being a little raw when we are in hard training/race mode. Hang in there and may your next race be better.

PS -- A little humor goes a long way....obviously the moment has passed but if it comes up again during a training session (gloating or whatever) , you could do the eyeroll, groan and say something like "can you rub it in a little more about how great your day was while meanwhile mine was in the crapper..?", etc etc....

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I don't have a training partner, but I emphatize with your *sucky sucky race* feelings. It would be awful if I felt like somebody close to me was shoving it in my face. I had a really miserable race this past weekend. I must say, however, that my sherpa, the dear DH, and my new coach, were *WONDERFUL* about putting a positive spin on my abysmal day. So maybe the thing you might benefit from is having some ultra-positive energy around you to offset the negativity that Madame Gee I'm A Wonderful Racer is throwing at you? If it hadn'ta been for DH & Coach, I'd be sitting in a corner with my tail between my legs (if I had a tail) sucking my thumb in a fetal position. They make me actually feel proud for giving a sucky race my best shot.

Just a thought.

Dawn, you're like the girl Yoda of ST.

I love you and your always wise advice ;-)

PS -- A little humor goes a long way....obviously the moment has passed but if it comes up again during a training session (gloating or whatever) , you could do the eyeroll, groan and say something like "can you rub it in a little more about how great your day was while meanwhile mine was in the crapper..?", etc etc....

I suggest you go into all races in the future telling her "this is not my A race" then when you beat her you can make her feel like crap, since you 'took it easy' ;-) I do have some friends who use that line all the time.

That's the place! Those PB, banana and cranberry sandwiches are to die for!! My mouth is watering just thinking about it.....

I hope you are feeling better today! I understand sometimes you just need to vent a bit and look for a sympathetic ear. I hope you see this as the supporting place that it is.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

:)

I also dont really relate to this.
Did YOU congratulate HER on a good race?
She likely did not ask you as she maybe felt uncomfortable and waited for you to say something, like, list some of the excuses you list here.
It was the first race of the season.
And it sounds like a lot that went wrong was within your control , tires, no warm up, not enough drink, etc.
Suck it up and quit whining. This may sound harsh but its my honest reaction when I read this.

hey...it's hard to respond without knowing both sides.
maybe she was so stoked about her race, a race she may have had misgivings about.
if you feel this is worth pursuing, that she is a good training partner.....then you HAVE to
talk to her about it...and depending on how the conversation goes....you either have your friend
and training partner back or you cut her loose!
remember, not all races go our way and just use it as a learning experience (i know that sounds
hallmarkish!!)
have a great season, and share your race stories with ALL of us!